One night, last week, I called my coworker late at night. He was going through this gall bladder flush program that removes gall stones and improves your joints. He had just taken a mixture of epsom salts and grapefruit juice followed by olive oil and grapefruit juice. According to everyone else in my office who’s done it, it’s some horrific stuff.

“How’s the flush?”

“Oh man, my body is a war zone.”

I laughed.

“You think you’re gonna make it into work tomorrow?”

“I don’t know, I really don’t know.”

“Well, I hope it works.”

“So…how was your gym experiment?”

“Really fuckin’ cool. I could see everything, man. How people were interacting, what kind of people they were just by watching them. And these guys kept trying to talk to me, but it was like something about me was making them all confused and stupid. They were kinda like little boys.”

“So red works, huh?”

“It’s unbelievable.”

“I don’t think it’s the red, honey. I think it’s you.”

“I know.”

“No, I’m serious. You’re like creating crazy energy right now and people are magnetized.”

“I know! It’s the craziest thing.”

I start laughing and can’t stop.

“It’s like their mental compasses go haywire. You should see their eyes.”

He laughs.

“Man, you got mad game.”

There’s a silence.

“So what are you doing right now?”

“I’m taking pictures of myself in my underwear.”

He cracks up.

“I’m really glad you didn’t tell me that at the beginning of this conversation, because I wouldn’t have paid attention to a single thing after that.”

There’s a silence. I change the subject.

“I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. It’s been getting really hard to focus on work. I mean, how the hell are we bettering the world by selling driver’s license scanners?”

“You’ve just gotta think of this as a small step in the master plan. You’re here so that you can do this while you get ready for what you really want to do with your life.”

“We’re completely wasting our potential.”

“Yeah, I know. I know…”

“Man, I’m in such a good place in my life.”

“Yeah, you can tell.”

“People just need to be themselves.”

“You seem totally different from the way you used to be, even at work.”

“Was I a jerk before?”

“No.”

“I was a jerk, wasn’t I?”

“No…you were different. You were more mysterious. Like you would talk, but then it was like the conversations didn’t reveal anything. And we just didn’t know anything about you. And you were always hiding in your office.”

“Yeah, I wanted to be left alone. I don’t think I was very happy.”

“No. But now you’re opening up a lot more, and you’re letting more people into your life which is a great thing.”

“You think I am?”

“It sounds like it.”

“Hey, what’s being a Scorpio like?”

“Hey hey, I can’t give away game plans. Snoop says, your game is to be sold, not told.”

“I’m not asking you for game plan, just what it’s like.”

“Well, we only do things for selfish reasons. I don’t do anything unless I’m expecting to get something out of it, or that it’s going to pay off in some way. You’re always talking about how you do things for people and don’t expect anything back…nu uh. I think of everything as an investment.”

“So everything you do has a motive.”

“Exactly. So us talking, just remember that I have a selfish motive. It’s not necessarily a bad motive…it’s just selfish.”

“Well, here’s the thing though. Us Gemini’s…if there’s one thing we know, it’s to never, ever let anyone catch you. Because if someone catches you, they can own you, and then you’re fucked. You have to be consistently one person for the rest of your life and we can’t do that because we’re all these people trapped in one person. It’s the guys in The Prestige…these facets inside us are all trying to act consistent enough to seem to belong to the same person, but it’s actually a bunch of different people that share one communication hub. They’re all in here and the reason we seem so enchanting to people is because we have so many different personalities, but we know the death of our spirit is for someone to catch us, because they couldn’t keep switching. Only one personality will be allowed to survive and that would mean the suffocation of the others. So we’re driven by this horror and we’re fucking fast. And you’ve gotta be able to catch us first. But no one’s faster than us.”

“Shit, we gotta catch you, too?”

“You can try. But no one is faster and more determined to not get caught than a Gemini. Except maybe a Pisces. Damn, Pisces are hard. I can’t stay away from Pisces. Maybe that’s the thing, Geminis are off chasing Pisces but can’t catch em, Scorpios are chasing Geminis but can’t catch them, and somewhere behind you, you’re driving some poor girl crazy.”

“Maybe a Virgo.”

“I can see that. You’re probably driving a lot of myspace girls crazy…”

We ended up talking about how each sign’s game plan differs, the secrets of how we draw people to us, but he was pretty serious about me keeping it a secret so I won’t post it. But I think if you really meditate on the symbols of astrology, you will find that they really really resonate at the core of people.

The hardest thing to live with in life is regret.

Every 29 years, we go through this thing that’s called a Saturn return. This is where Saturn returns to the position it was in when you were born, after it’s taken a tour through every aspect of your life and being, teaching you lessons and making you stronger and more disciplined. When Saturn completes its cycle, you go through a period where you evaluate who you are at this point, what you’ve done with your life. You look at if you have been living the life you want and have become the person you want, or if you’re living a life that doesn’t belong to you or is untruthful. If you have been doing the things that move you along your path, you’ll feel good, and this period is a proud and celebratory one, like a major graduation. If you haven’t, you’ll realize that your life has been one disappointment and regret after another. Some people refuse to look at it, so after the Saturn return, they go through another 29 years of numb living, collecting regrets and disappointments that they may or may not be conscious of.

Aubrey read an article somewhere saying that statistically, suicide rates are high amongst people going through their 2nd Saturn return (around ages 58 to 60), though statistically, rates are highest amongst people 65 and older. The article said that this is because by the 2nd return, if you haven’t dealt with things well during your first return and set yourself consciously on your true path, then by the time it comes around again, you’ll review your life and realize that you wasted it and you didn’t live up to your full unique potential.

Sometimes I see people and I see that they’ve ignored the signs that direct them to their path and their place of ultimate self-expression. They walk around numb or angry or bitter, but always refusing to admit that in truth, they have full access and ability to take control of their lives and fulfill themselves with the reality that would make them the most content. Often they take this power (this choice) for granted, and when the universe takes away their ability to choose, when it deals them the bad life-changing cards that are inevitable and binding, they realize what a blessing they’ve squandered. This is a missed opportunity that you can never rewrite, revise or redo.

Pay attention, people. That’s all I ask. If you’re unhappy, ask yourself why, and ask yourself if you have the ability to change your situation. Then be truthful with yourself about fear–if you are afraid of changing your situation, then ask yourself what you’re afraid of, and if this is a beneficial and protective fear, or if this is one that is irrational and hindering you. Let in the people you should trust, and keep out those who you know just allow you to continue an unhappy experience, even though you may prefer that because it makes you feel safer.

We are here to live life, encouraged to make the mistakes that allow us to grow and let in the mentor connections that point us towards the right direction. When we resign ourselves to embodying the idea that our past mistakes compound more mistakes and at the end of the day, we’ve lost our chance to live the life we’ve always wanted to live, then basically, we are just waiting for the day that our dreams and potential actually die, so we can miserably say, “See? It was never an option for me.”

When I’m gone, I hope people say, that person made every effort possible to live her life and realize her potential, to bring positive energy, understanding, compassion and unconditional positive regard to those around her, to learn from her mistakes and set a dignified example, to stumble but always stand up, and to commit to always trying her hardest and to hope for the best, because hope is the life force that keeps us expanding and growing. I hope no one ever says that I gave up, in any way, even when giving up was the easiest decision to make. I hope that people will remember that message of my life, and it will give them the strength to make the most out of their lives, and together, we can all help each other become stronger, more positive and more open with each other.

You can’t help having regrets and disappointments; it’s a part of life and the growing process. Just be aware, that if you’re in the midst of creating a future regret but refusing to admit it, ask yourself why you are allowing yourself to do this and setting up this kind of future, and if this is something that you really want to burden the future you with. Be kind to yourself, because 2 months from now, 2 years from now, 20 years from now, there won’t be a new actor playing you. It’ll still be you, and whatever you put into play now, you will be the one who’s gonna have to deal with it later. So just be conscious and be kind, and do the things that take good care of yourself.

My Self-Exploration Continues:Why I’m an AWESOME Girlfriend (if I could find someone willing to date my crazy ass…)

Venus in the sign Cancer indicates people who are deeply sensitive in their romantic feelings. Their extreme vulnerability means their feelings can be easily hurt, but they hide this vulnerability behind a dignified exterior. Of all the Water signs, someone with Venus in Cancer is likely to be particularly nurturing and caring in relationships. These people are attentive to their partners’ needs and particularly to their emotional well being. They are able to tune in sympathetically to their partners’ moods and offer unobtrusive emotional support.

Your whole nature hides in a protective shell till you have taken the emotional steps that make you secure; then it unfolds graciously, like a flower in the warm sun, and beautifies your whole world. The fear of being hurt by love is very strong. You like sentimental gestures only if you think they spring from sincerity. The forced kiss, the dutiful embrace, mean nothing to you. Your emotional polarity is not primarily physical; and though you can respond to ardor, you can take it or leave it. Someone with Venus in Cancer will easily reach out and touch those she cares for as a gesture of love and affection. Within a relationship, these people will want both to give and to receive a lot of gentle and loving physical contact. They want to be held, stroked and cuddled. (they’re often better than sex for me….)

This person may ‘mother’ his or her loved ones in all kinds of ways. These people may literally feed their partners, finding great pleasure in cooking them their favorite meals.

In relationships, you are most concerned with security and permanence. Quality, not quantity, is important to you in love relationships. The emotional bonds you form with a partner are strong and enduring, and the commitments you make in love are forever. Once you are involved in a relationship, infidelity is simply unthinkable. You are extremely possessive and jealous, and couldn’t bear to have your mate be unfaithful to you. Even if your relationship is unhappy, you will stay in it for the emotional security it provides; and nothing could be more devastating to you than to have your partner leave you.

You invest totally in your lover, and expect the same sort of unquestioning devotion in return. You want to share everything with your partner. If your lover has several planets in Taurus, Cancer or Scorpio, this symbiotic existence may work out fine; but someone whose chart is dominated by Arien, Geminian, Sagittarian or Aquarian energies will feel smothered by such closeness. Nevertheless, when you like someone, you like that person a lot, and you show it. You are a very faithful friend, and you will never do anything to hurt someone you like unless that person hurts you first – in which case you are very likely to strike back. (Never with the small things but definitely if I were betrayed, manipulated or taken advantage of. Then seriously…hell hath no fury…)

Within the context of your relationships, you are highly emotional, though if your Sun is in Gemini you won’t show this emotional side of yourself to anyone other than your lover. In order for you to be content in a partnership, you must be able to form a strong feeling connection with your mate. You want to be so entwined that you can intuit each other’s needs and desires, and don’t even have to speak.

Killing with kindness is sometimes present. Ties of friendship will be long-lasting. Love and affection will be focused on the home, and a great deal of money will be spent carefully to make it comfortable – although often cluttered and untidy. (haha…I haven’t seen the surface of my desk in years)

Your family is the most important part of your life and your reason for living; thus, you may spoil your children and sacrifice everything else for them. You love children – your own and everyone else’s – and may devote much time and energy to caring for them.

If the Sun sign is Gemini, this Venus placement heightens the level of Geminian emotion; and, provided the subject doesn’t overrationalize the feelings, these will be marvelously and romantically expressed, showing kindness and a cherishing quality. The sex life must be lively and stimulating. The subject is considerate and a good communicator with both friends and loved ones.

What they leave out is that I need the freedom to flirt with EVERYONE and talk to EVERYONE and be trusted, but I expect my partner to loyally wait at home for me and be so secure in himself, that he’s okay with that. Because I won’t cheat and you’ve got a death wish if you cheat on me. Doesn’t seem fair? Yeah, that’s why I stay single. I take relationships really seriously and don’t like wasting my time on stupid people, but I can’t bring myself to demand that kind of relationship, even though realistically, it’s probably the only kind that I’d be able to stay in long-term. And also, I hate that in every relationship, guys start to expect me to mother them and they become such babies (some more than others). I prefer a balanced relationship where we take care of each other and look out for each other.

More Explanations for My Freakitude!

Been reading some updated psychological astrology research articles, which I haven’t done in a while. This stuff is INSANE!

My moon in 2nd House:

Garrulousness with this position is an indication of serious sexual frustration. (raise your hand if you’ve noticed how I can’t shut up).

Sexual fulfillment is extremely important to this position. They are generally powerfully attracted to potential sexual partners. (hee!…you don’t say…) If, for some reason, this attraction does not bring them a fulfilling relationship, it will cause a variety of mental and emotional problems. (Naw…) Both sexes seem to radiate sexual energy. (Yup.) They are very aware of sexuality in others from an early age. (Hey, L…remember the “Pants Down Game?” Uh…I don’t either) The Moon’s sign and the aspects to it from other planets will show whether this is a positive and healthy development, or if it leads to repression and a fear or hatred of sex on the one hand, or to a cynical exploitation of it on the other. (Repression or fear of sex? That’s not me…)

Some women have no qualms about taking anyone who pleases them to bed, maintaining all the while a virginal fa├žade and a total and lifelong silence on the subject, even to best friends. (Holy Crap!!!!!!!!!!).

Love is very necessary to these people, although it may or may not be directly connected with sexuality. If others show it, they may make fools of themselves for love. Powerful attractions that are hard to deny and may last for years. Artists with this Moon position will seek a ‘muse’ or love object for their talent to revolve around. (WHOA. I’m a secretive love fool. I’ll never tell a muse that I’m in love because I don’t want them to fall from the heaven I’ve placed them in and become mortal. Without love, yearning and denial, there is no art)

Venus in 12th House:

They may love someone to whom they can never declare their love – someone unavailable for one reason or another, whom they can only ever love in secret. This could be someone they know, who is in their life in some way but has no idea of how they feel…(dude…story of my life. If I truly love you, I’m not gonna tell you. I don’t know why, but I just won’t)

They may choose to remain uninvolved. This might be a conscious choice to be celibate. (hee!)They may long for a ‘pure’ spiritual or mystical love experience. (definitely) Or they may prefer to be alone with a fantasy rather than to be in any real relationship. While this can be a lonely option, their fantasies around love can remain ideal; untinged by reality, they can create the perfect love in their mind. (couldn’t have said it better)

They are often extremely sympathetic and compassionate people, and can be drawn into loving out of pity. (You don’t say…) Venus in the 12th also denotes the love of what other people reject; the love of the downtrodden, the underdog, the criminal who really has a heart of gold, the person nobody else understands, etc.. (Or someone really, really ugly inside and out? You wouldn’t happen to know any of my ex-boyfriends who fits this description, would you? Because if you did, you should probably tell him to stop being a stalker and GET OFF MY SITE)

Sun in the 11th:

Generally attractive, they can be intensely charismatic, in some cases projecting an almost godlike quality of higher knowledge, inner strength, or supernatural wisdom. (my ego doesn’t need this)

Expressions of care must be powerful and total, to penetrate your own power center. Curiously, to feel loved, you must love. You cannot conceive of being loved by anyone for whom you don’t feel love. Equally paradoxical is the fact that you are not receptive to courtship unless you’ve already chosen the courtier as your beloved. (HA! I have to be interested in you, before you show me that you’re interested, and then you have to be the one to initiate and be very, very clear that you are interested. Otherwise, I assume everything short of a clear, absolute declaration to be gestures of friendship) Yes, you are susceptible to flattery (sometimes too much…), but unless you actively love the individual already, compliments are interpreted as simple friendship.

Uranus in the 3rd House:

Uranus in the third house can indicate that you have unusual sisters and brothers. You may have one or more siblings who cause you a great deal of unrest or worry, someone very bright and unorthodox, or very troubled, or both. (!!!!) A natural stress can occur in electrical passageways and connections within the brain that can manifest as insomnia, inability to integrate sensory stimuli, speech difficulties, ‘switching’ between the left and right brains that leads to disjointed, random thought processes. (Whoa. I’m telling you, I need subtitles when I watch DVDs not because I can’t hear, but because it’s easier to process sounds into words if I can visually follow along)

How to Look Up Your Own:

Go to www.astro.com . Register and fill in all of your birth info. This only works if you know your EXACT time of birth! The site will compute your chart and give you which house certain planets are in. Open another browser and go to:

http://groups.msn.com/interpretations4/general.msnw?action=get_threads

On the left panel, will be lists of planets in houses and their interpretations. Have fun!