Don’t Accidentally Have Sex on the First Date

I just read today’s articles on MSN’s homepage where men and women weighed in on sex on the first date, sex and serious relationships and taking your time. I noticed that the men were older and either divorced or never married…personally I would have liked to have seen the opinion of a guy who’s happily married or someone closer to my age group, but whatever.

I’ve never been a one night stand person, but I’ve never been a serial monogamist either. I just kind of feel that who I am is valuable and what you share with me is going to be an incredible and unique experience, so I don’t want to give it away, but I also don’t want to commit to giving it to someone if I don’t know that they deserve it.

I do know that sex on the first date really complicates things and puts a lot of pressure, so I’ve never done that either. I think the approach though depends on the person and what that person wants. If a person isn’t interested in pursuing a relationship at that time in their life or is “test driving” people/relationships to figure out what they do want, I don’t see a problem with how they want to handle their sex life, even if it’s a series of one night stands, as long as how you behave is aligned to what you truly want, so you don’t end up working against your goals or what you feel comfortable with. For example, if you really want a fulfilling relationship but you find yourself giving it up right away and guys don’t call you afterwards or they’re jerks who end up pursuing only the sexual part of the relationship, then you probably have to ask yourself what you’re doing to contribute to your not being able to get what you’re actually looking for. But on the flipside, if what you really want to do is figure out what you want romantically and sexually, but you feel uncomfortable with sleeping around so you pursue series of relationships that stifle you when what you’re really trying to figure out is what you want, then maybe you have to not worry so much about being judged or judging yourself. Just be safe but have fun.

For me personally, there are all different kinds of sex involving different kinds of connections between two people, but there’s only one kind that I’m interested in enough to put in effort. I only like it when I can feel a deep connection with someone where you’re so connected, you don’t know where one person ends and the other one begins when this experience happens. And it’s no holds bar, straight passion. You won’t be able to have that kind of thing with just anyone…it has to be someone you have that deep connection with, someone who turns you on and someone that you have enough trust with and respect for to want to share something this deep and sacred. Because it’s all-encompassing and amazing, almost an out of body experience, and it’s worth waiting for. If I feel that connection with someone, I’ll take my time, because I want to deepen the spiritual/emotional connection first, make sure it’s real, make sure there’s trust, and then let us go wild. It’s the best sex imagineable, because you’re deeply connected and you’ve withheld that energy for so long that it just completely takes over you in that moment when the dam breaks and you guys get together. It’s a sacred, private connection between two people, something I don’t talk about with other people, because it’s only between you two, and I don’t allow just anyone to experience that with me. That person has to show me that the truth of who he is, is that he’s special and he’s open, and he can truly appreciate an experience like this. It’s because of the connection. It wouldn’t be as amazing of an experience if you shared it with anyone, because inherently, it involves a very specific chemistry.

Everything else to me, if that connection isn’t there, if that passion isn’t there, is like scratching an itch. It’s a lot of work for a little payoff and it’s boring. I go long periods of time without sleeping with anyone because no one’s struck my fancy and I enjoy being celibate because I’m more creative…all that blood is diverted to my brain. I know I can get lazy about it, but if I don’t feel like someone is a deep connection with all the other elements there, I just think of sex as an obligation or work. It’s like getting on an exercise bike. So I don’t do it. I can look at a lot of guys and appreciate their looks, their warmth, their charisma, etc., but there are very few people that I’m sexually interested in, because I’m looking for something specific. So until something comes along that I feel is something I want to pursue, I like to talk about it and think about all the what-if’s of crazy nights of passion and scenarios, etc., but overall, I don’t bother to realistically pursue anything because I would rather save myself and my energy for the real thing. It’s just personal preference.

The Game [For Women]

The Rules are bullshit. Here are some of my personal, proven monkey-psych tips for dating and the art of the pickup, in honor of V-Day. This covers stuff outside of getting a one-night stand because I don’t think anyone needs tips for that because getting a hook-up is really easy.

Body Language

* If someone is interested, he will mirror you. If you’re not sure where the guy you’re on a date with stands, do small gestures and see if he follows. I usually take a sip of water, or whatever beverage I’m having. If he takes my cue and is unconsciously motivated to also pick up his glass and take a sip, the game is on. [sidenote: FAKING IT. You can make a person think you guys are on the same page so you must have awesome chemistry or let a guy know you’re interested in him by mirroring him. Do the small unconscious gestures that he does, or sit/position your hands the way he does. He won’t pick up on it, but his subconscious radar will]

* Watch where the guy angles the core of his body. This is the line that runs through the middle of his torso, from his crotch to his chest. When he’s talking to you if he directs his core at you, that’s really good. If he angles it away from you, that’s not good. Note: If you have a boyfriend and he’s cheated on you, is thinking about cheating on you, or has a secret that he’s afraid to tell you because he thinks it’s going to affect your relationship [ie your willingness to give him some] he will defend and hide his core. This is something to look out for if you suspect that something’s not right in a relationship.

* A guy who is sitting with his legs open (as opposed to crossed) or crossed in a way that leaves his package area open and framed (by his legs and his hand placement) is probably interested. At the very least, in hooking up.

*Find a reason to touch him. Just a gentle brush against his arm or a playful bump as you’re walking. If you want to be a player (I’ve recommended this to people and it works really well), whisper, “Don’t move.” Then lean in slightly (within dangerously close kissing distance), gently touch his cheek with your fingertips as if you’re brushing something away and then look him in the eye and say, “You had an eyelash on your cheek.” This creates an opening for some mad muggin’.


* It’s all about your date. This sucks but if you want to play the dating game, this is surefire. Talk about him. Ask him a lot of questions. Maintain eye contact. Really process what he’s saying. Ask follow-up questions. The best conversationalists are good listeners. Then after the conversation, the guy will feel really good because pretty much, he got to talk about what he cares about most…himself. If you don’t want a guy who’s a narcissist, then pay attention to whether or not he reciprocates by asking you a lot of questions about yourself. Usually this technique is also a good gauge of your date. I’ll ask a date a lot of questions but if he doesn’t reciprocate, chances are that he’s selfish and/or narcissistic, which pretty much correlates to being disappointing in bed.

* Demonstrate that you remember the things he says or the things that are important to him. If he mentions that his best friend’s name is Rob, then if he mentions later on something like, “My best friend came over last weekend…,” ask, “Is this Rob?” Do little thoughtful things that show that you remember things he likes or doesn’t like, or opinions that he has by referring back to them, mentioning seeing/hearing something that made you think of something he said, or giving him gifts/informations (tokens) that show that you listen, remember and care.

* I hate monikers. People who constantly refer to the person they’re dating as “babe” or such when they talk to them bug the hell out of me because it shows detachment and often fear of intimacy. I’m usually very careful about getting involved with someone who does that; it’s a red flag. It’s the same psychological coin as why we refer to certain people by nicknames (ie The Hot Black Guy, Orange On a Toothpick, Troll, Office Whore, etc). We’re not really dealing with the fact that they are people and it helps us keep from completely relating to them as such. If I respect someone (and especially if I respect and care about someone), sub-consciously, I’ll use his god-given name a lot. I’ll say, “Thanks, Brian” instead of “Thanks, babe,” even though I do use monikers every once in a while. Under the surface, people do notice when you call them by name and it makes them feel good, almost in the same way remembering their birthdays does.

* People trying to distance themselves emphasize differences. People trying to get together emphasize similarities. Finding shared qualities or outlooks correlates with the basic tenets of companionship and understanding, which is what dating or relationships are predominantly about. So emphasize similarities, but don’t be too obvious about it. You should have a somewhat general idea of the guy and his personality when you go out, so try to show the aspects of yourself that share similar likes, dislikes and perspectives. If you know that the guy is interested in a certain type of music, then mention that you went to the concert of a band that he’s likely to like. If he’s into sports (as most guys are) mention that you used to play or that you love the Lakers or something. Throw out stats and he’ll probably ask you to marry him. Don’t wait for him to ask, what kind of music do you like, do you like sports, etc. Throw it out unsolicited, and if it’s a hit, he’ll think you’re pretty awesome. Also, be observant of the things he says and does. If the guy talks about his family, he’s probably family oriented so you’d be better off mentioning something about your family to show that you’re also family-oriented. If the guy’s got a stamp on his hand from the strip bar he went to last night, you’d probably score points by telling a dirty joke or two or hinting at things you find to be a turn-on. You’ve got to custom-tailor your interaction off the cues you get.

* Sports, video games and movie quotes. The way to a man’s heart. Ladies, just try. Follow one sport casually, or watch Sportscenter at the gym. You just need to know a little bit to impress. Here are some current comments that should win you some points: 1. Did you see the Pro Bowl? That was insane. The score was like a college basketball game’s; 2. LeBron should have at least made reserve on the All-Star team; 3. It sucks that in Grand Theft Auto Vice City, you can’t bang hookers in your car; 4. Did you see the half-court game-winner that Nick Robinson made against Arizona? [note: Nick Robinson plays for Stanford]; 5. When’s Halo 2 coming out? 6. Any line from The Simpsons, Half-Baked, Office Space, The Godfather trilogy or Scarface.

* Sex. Guys are intrigued by girls who hint at it, joke about it, are somewhat mysterious about it, but are not overt about it. Being overt plays to the lowest common denominator and shows low self-esteem (you have to use the easiest way to get attention). But if you have an open attitude about it and can be witty about it, that’s cool.

* Mix it up. Don’t feel like you have to present just one image. Show the different sides of you. Maybe this is just a gemini thing, but like Meredith Brooks says, I’m a bitch I’m a lover I’m a child I’m a mother I’m a sinner I’m a saint, blah blah blah. But don’t be schizo crazy. Just don’t be afraid to show different facets of yourself. I jump back and forth between sinner/saint. Not intentionally…it’s just the way I am. But it works pretty well.

* Be self-assured but don’t brag or name-drop. Exercise some humility. Because people who brag and name-drop are pretty much waving a huge sign around that says that they’re really trying to impress people but have no confidence. They don’t feel like people will like them by just g
etting to know them, so they have to list achievements just to let other people know that they are worthy of being admired. It’s really annoying. This goes hand in hand with not talking too much about past-relationships/sexual encounters. You would think this would be obvious.

* Dumb, boring people are the ones who play it safe by not talking and playing it standoffish. You can do that if you’re just looking for a hook-up, but you chance hooking up with the kind of really shallow guy who wants dumb, boring girls who have nothing to say (because these are the only kinds of girls who won’t make him feel inferior). Very importantly, shallow guys tend to be bad in bed because they aren’t in tune with what a partner likes but more with what they’ve seen in movies or what things they’ve had reinforced as pleasurable for a woman by girls who were faking it to be nice.

Date Ideas

* Start off the first date with something where you’re interacting or sitting side-by-side. Physical closeness with low lighting does wonders for instant comfort and intimacy. Getting coffee sucks unless you need to get to know this person better, because the situation (sitting across from each other with a barrier) can make more intimate things harder to initiate later on or may require a second date. But it’s fine. If you want to get more comfortable, a movie and then coffee is better, or a comedy show and then dinner. I prefer a comedy show because humor loosens people up and gives you something to talk about over dinner/coffee. I usually take dates to The Groundlings improv show.

* Competitive activities. Okay, I’ve been accused of using basketball as my MO but it’s true. Basketball involves contact, friendly competition and sweat. And you can check out your date in shorts when he’s not looking. Or feel him up when you’re going for a rebound. This usually works and is a great simulation (teaser) for…other physical activities to come. And you can create little bets [ie…if I win, you buy dinner, etc] Board games are good, too, as well as go-kart racing, going to the batting cages, or tossing a baseball/frisbee around at the park.

* Just do something. The only thing I’m against is starting off a first date with dinner, coffee or some other awkward, contrived situation where you’re just sitting across from each other with a table in between you and talking. This creates a higher chance of each person presenting more of a persona, and less opportunities for guards to come down and having honest, spontaneous interaction.

Above all, the most important thing is to be yourself and imperatively, to have confidence in yourself. Don’t “present” because most people can tell when someone else is not presenting his/her true self and usually that’s related to someone not feeling comfortable with himself or herself. What a huge turn-off. Confidence is the sexiest thing in a man or a woman– it’s the magnetic energy that draws others to him or her. People who don’t have a good sense of themselves or true confidence are pretty much guaranteed to not get the quality of partner or interaction that they want. Good luck!

Okay, so Hot Big Black Guy* called and I can’t decide if I should call him back.

*name withheld because if I start naming boys, I’m start thinking about them as people and pretty soon they’re gonna be walking around like they own me, pissing in the corners of my house and wanting to talk about feelings and the future and sales at Pottery Barn and shit.

I mean, the guy threatened to bitch out a waitress and was spearing food off my plate on our first date. On the other hand, he’s pretty freakin’ hot. Hmmm…this decision really shouldn’t be this hard… (it’s not)

On the other hand, Brian’s New Year’s resolution of becoming an alcoholic is working out. He came home after 4 drinks at Robert’s bar last night and teetered around for a bit. I felt like lighting a match would have set off our place ala Backdraft. It’s actually quite comforting. With me aiming to be a shallow drug addict in 2004 and Brian aiming to be a self-centered alkie, I think in 2005, we can safely transition into crack whores. Blaxploitation crack whores. Who love their mamas.

Here’s a story about the honor killings in India which are on the rise:

Some sick shit.

Today’s mood: Comically bloated