The truth is, it was inevitable from the moment I saw you.

i am a powerful being, but i do need to be tamed. the softer i am in the tiniest of places, the stronger i am in the most expansive.

1. you can take the girl out of texas. but you can’t take texas out of the girl.
2. i love a man who has prepared for me.
3. i love a man who lets me win but never lets me know.
4. i love a man who glows.
5. i love a man who brings out the gentlest and strongest parts of me.
6. i love a man who makes me feel we’re two parts who believe in the same thing.
7. the more i look for you, the more i find of me.
8. the more i find of me, the more i find of you.
9. you shouldn’t wait to cross the bridge.

wow, this guy really makes me realize that my greatest love is my brother. something inside me just curls with happiness when he’s around.

last night i dreamed i was somewhere between australia and atlantis and the guide i was with wanted to see something underwater. so i went down to the sandy bottom and noticed the people with me were wearing diving gear and i was only wearing a mask. but i started breathing and it was the most natural thing in the world. i saw a world at the bottom of the ocean that looked like a child’s idea of what’s under the sea. yet it was very real. i was mildly afraid of the small red octopus, but i stayed out of his way and he didn’t notice me. i was sitting on the sand at the bottom, understanding that this was both a dream and a training exercise, but still utterly amazed.

this just reminded me of the dream the night before, where i was at a house with a bunch of random people (both people i knew and strangers). i was inside the house with my best friend, a guy with dark hair, when someone evil set loose a killer robot alligator and a killer wolf outside. i saw him setting them loose, and they’d tried getting into the house but i’d locked all the doors in time, getting people nearby inside as well. but then i realized my dad was outside by the pond, so i ran out to save him. ended up finding all kinds of people still out there and telling them to get in the house. couldn’t find my dad but ended up having to battle the alligator, which was scary, but in the back of my mind i knew it was a dream so i was able to neutralize the alligator by remembering i can do anything i want with it. so i fought it off, but didn’t give it too much attention. i even managed to psychically gain the trust of the wolf and neutralize him. he became loyal to me. i woke up as i was helping people over the fence into the house.

some nights, the only way i can fall asleep is to imagine laying my head on your chest, listening to you breathing, letting the rhythm of your heart lull me to sleep. sometimes, you feel so close, so real, that i can almost smell your skin.

Shining like a work of art
Hanging on a wall of stars
Are you what I think you are?

You’re my satellite
You’re riding with me tonight
Passenger side, lighting the sky
Always the first star that I find


You’re my satellite

Elevator to the moon
Whistling our favorite tune
Trying to get a closer view

You’re my satellite
You’re riding with me tonight
Passenger side, lighting the sky
Always the first star that I find
You’re my satellite

Maybe you will always be
Just a little out of reach

-guster

one day, if you ever meet a december 20, 1975 kiwi named gareth who works on a boat, he will tell you about the night he met me–what i did to his world, how badly he wanted to draw my eyes, what came over him when he laid his head on my shoulder and closed his eyes, what he felt when he rested his hand on my leg, how much he wished he could hold my hand, what it meant to look me in the eyes and be so completely seen. he will tell you how he’d never felt so drawn to a woman so quickly and so completely, how badly he wanted it, to feel her insides, to feel her heat and pulse, to know that she is real and she is here…with him. for him. and he’ll tell you how i shared a warmth that was so truthful, such a flood of unadulterated joy, yet still disappeared into the night, adamantly untouched. he was a boy usually accustomed to getting what he wants who somehow found his hands tied. but he’ll always smile whenever he remembers that night.

tonight was the second night in a row the possibility of sex was blatantly on the table. and just as i’m confessing…the need to hunt is becoming overwhelming. tonight, i was in a familiar place, one which featured a stuffed leopard on its altar. i could have had anyone just by looking at him. he would have even walked himself over. and still, i was gentle, i was kind, and i waited. none of them were you.

one day, when your friends look at me and comment, “that woman…she really loves you,” you will be aware of an entire sea of time and an echoing expanse of universe, and realize all over again how profoundly lucky you are.

through these oceans of words i can feel you.

i almost thought you were here tonight, and stood watching someone who looked so much like you, from 18 feet i could almost imagine how it will be when it’s finally you.

i know your energy. i know your smile.

you will know me because i’m glowing.

you will know me, because i part the crowd like a sea.

you will know me, because you know me.

but the question is, the bridge.

how will we build this bridge?

12 is showing the 9 how to use its past to understand the future.

12 is helping 9 get to 22.

i was thinking the other night that what i need is a loyal watchdog type. what my leopard used to symbolize for me. every queen must have a trusted man who protects her and carries out her will.
then last night, i dreamed of fighting evil shadow figures alongside snake eyes from gi joe. that was really cool. i had ninja skills just like him, except i could make things happen with just my mind. and we both wear black.

love is not possessive or selfish. love is the river that flows underground so serenely you forget its presence, until the nights you lose yourself in restless sleep, and it slips into your room, a familiar stranger, one cool hand taking yours, leading your dreams out of shadow towards moonlight.

i can see the future. i’m just waiting for the part where you walk into it.

when the head chases the tail, you are going in circles.
when the head chases the tail and the tail chases the head, you are manifesting infinity.

catching snowflakes with bare hands
an exercise in ephemerality
futility
beauty
an intriguing lesson

presence catches but holds nothing

as does prescience, in other worlds

time is interpretation.

i think my ultimate peak experience in life would be, floating a paper boat down a forest river, and after some time, years if it has to be, when i least expect it, it floats right back to me from the opposite direction. and it’s brought someone familiar with it.

maybe you’ve already met the right person, just at the wrong time?

you always move forward, you never go back, but you recognize sometimes life circles back in the future, and that’s always quietly given you hope for things let go. right now, you’re terrified of letting go of the strongest energy spot you have, but you have to believe that if you let go, you can still come back to it later and it will still be here for you. maybe you’re not ready for it yet. or there’s something else you have to do first, before you can claim it the way you want to claim it.

personally, i would like to come through the early morning window, slip under your covers to touch you in the realm between waking and sleep, all moonlight and skin and something much darker and richer.

i need a motivation.

There’s an urban legend that when the Indians first saw Columbus’s ships, they weren’t able to perceive the ships because they were nothing they’d ever encountered in their world. The validity of the story is often debated, but i think what the story really opens a discussion for is the idea of perception. a guy posting as silas sparkhammer on the snopes boards had some good comments:

Again, go into a forest (if you have never been in one) and you will have a great deal of difficulty finding your way around. This confusion won’t last for mere seconds, but for hours and hours. It takes time for the brain to figure out entirely new patterns.

Take someone who doesn’t know how to play chess. Take another person who is a master of the game. They both see exactly the same light patterns reflecting off of the pieces on the board…but they perceive *very* different things.

There’s also this experiment in visual cognition. Check it out. Did you see it? I saw it.

And that’s the thing. Perceiving people on multiple levels. Keeping an eye out for the WTF.

Last night, when I was out people watching, I was thinking about those Indians not recognizing the boats. Maybe there are certain people who are around in your world, but you can’t see them because you haven’t enough perspective to recognize them. So you recognize they’re people, but you don’t really “see” them. But when you get into a different place, different eyes, different frames of reference, you can suddenly recognize them. Through your connection with them, they suddenly bring your life to a different level.

last night’s dream featured an appearance from the man who’s more familiar to me than time. except this time, he appeared as my friend, max, an actor with an electrifying smile i haven’t seen in almost a decade. max had the most amazing smile–it was like a disco ball lighting up a dark room. but he was a really quiet guy, kind of strange. and he used to call me and not talk, so we would have these long, uncomfortable silences. he once gave me a ride to the airport at 6 in the morning. on his birthday. and my friends swore to me that a guy wouldn’t do that unless he likes you. but he told me he was really shy, and in terms of initiating anything, i’m very shy, so at the end of the day, neither of us was willing (able?) to initiate anything. or maybe we both intuitively knew we weren’t romantically compatible. i think over the years, life’s been hard for max. i once wrote him an email to say happy birthday, and he wrote back a strange email about how he doesn’t know much about this world, but he knows that i am a really good person, and there aren’t a lot of truly good people in this world. it made me think there was something going on in his life that he wasn’t willing to talk about. even recently, we connected over facebook and he mentioned that the last year has been really tough but didn’t go into details. he was always like that. a beautiful smile hiding a dark enigma.

so in my dream, i ran into max and he looked the way he did, 10 years ago, with that same smile. but i knew it wasn’t really him, it was the guy from my dreams, and when we hugged, it felt like home. my heart cried in relief. he said he’d spent this time apart getting things ready, and had finally bought a home for us. that he hadn’t moved in yet, because he needed to find me first, so that we could start our new lives in this new home together.

he took me to it and it was a duplex by the beach, but the construction wasn’t completely finished. you had to use the communal bathrooms outside. it was dusk, the sky a rich blue, those few moments before night where it’s not dark, but there’s a complete absence of light. i didn’t want to go into the bathroom because it was crowded, i was wearing socks, and it didn’t look clean. so i turned around to go back to the house, but it was empty. he was gone again.