My mom speaks very good English. But when you learn a language from textbooks, there are some parts of the language you don’t pick up. Words like hoebag. And cunnilingus.

Every movie, my mom always picks out the worst things and asks for a definition. ie

“Julia, what does ‘dyke’ mean?”

“A lesbian, mom.”

5 minutes go by.

“What is ‘cunt’?”

“Another word for vagina.”

“Is this a bad word?”

“Yes, this is a very bad word. Don’t use it at the office.”

10 minutes go by.

“What does ‘fisting’ mean?

Christ. “I’m not going to tell you.”

“Julia. You’re very not nice.”

30 seconds.

“What does it mean, ‘she was a squirter?'”

I feel sorry for whoever had to sit with her through Clerks.

they’re making pants tighter now, right? because i don’t know…cuz i’m not…i don’t wear jeans…

and then, he says IT. the line literally brought me to my knees with laughter. i spent the summer of 2003 showing people this scene, because they just needed to know. apparently coke is a hell of a drug.

that was a beautiful summer.

this is probably one of my favorite secrets, something that always makes me laugh, along with drunk guy.

Open letter to David Hassellhoff:

1. Don’t dance. Ever.
2. Stop the plastic surgery. This is getting crazy.
3. How does one man’s ego get so big that it can suck it’s own dick?
4. Tell your editor to stop playing with video effects from the 80’s.
5. Don’t you have a hamburger to eat?

(video find courtesy of effing the ineffable)

A Few of My Favorite Surreal Life Quotes:

(as the gang gives the backyard of a battered women’s shelter a makeover)
Janice: “You’re not screwing fast enough.”
Bronson: “You said that last night, and I think it’s rude either time.”

*****
Omarosa: Most people call me a bitch, but it doesn’t matter because I’m more brighter than Donald Trump.

*****
Omarosa: (To Jose) Doesn’t that make your penis small? I hear steroids make your penis small.
Jose: That’s a misconception. It’s your testicles, not your wiener.

*****
Janice: (About Jose) I hope he rips his pants when he bends over.

This Week’s New Releases:

12 Donkeys

Bruce Willis plays a man from the future who goes back in time to that fateful night in Tijuana, where an errant flying banana at a donkey show takes out his eye and gives him a case of eye-crabs that destroy his marriage. Unfortunately, he goes back too far and is mistaken for a male sex slave and is imprisoned by the club owner, so that on that fateful night, it is he who is the opening act that his past self is watching. See Meryl Streep’s Oscar-Nominated performance as a pair of crotchless panties.

Dude, Where’s My Colostomy Bag?

Aston Kutcher and Clint Eastwood pair up in this buddy comedy. After a nurse accidentally replaces Clint’s oxygen with a tank of nitrous oxide, Clint and grandson Aston go on a binger to end all bingers, waking up with no clue as to where Clint’s colostomy bag and Aston’s acting career went. They attempt to retrace their steps while meanwhile, a group of evil alien models offer humans oral pleasure in exchange for a missing anal probe that turns its recipients into raving O.C. fans.

Kill Billy Elliot

After The Bride kills the man responsible for the deaths of her friends and fiance, she turns her vengeful eye on Billy Elliot, her too-cute-for-his-own-good childhood arch-nemesis from ballet class. Lucy Liu returns as a pair of evil leotards.

Animal Farmhouse

John Belushi is resurrected to find his beloved frat has been turned into a barn. He leads the animals in a revolution, decreeing that “All Keg Stands Are Created Equal, But Some Keg Stands Are More Equal Than Others,” especially the one that leaves you naked in the trunk of a car, lying in a pool of your own piss. After making a pact with the pigs, the gang slaughters the other unsuspecting animals in their sleep and have a huge cookout with the all-wet-tshirt/all-the-time sorority down the street. Hillary Swank appears in a cameo as a horse.

4 Weddings and a Funeral and an Eye-Gouging and a Twelve-Dollar Blowjob From a Hooker in a Porsche

When Hugh Grant’s constant eye-batting turns Andy McDowell violent after their first week of marriage, she gouges out his eye with an omelet spatula. Without his good looks, Hugh sinks into a dark depression that sends him on a downward spiral that begins with a twelve-dollar blowjob in the front seat of his porsche, and ends in a police shootout in a crackhouse in Detroit. Wackiness ensues.

Being Julia Robert’s Bitch

A piercing documentary about the life of Danny Moder.

My Post on Craig’s List (2/08/05)
aka A Rant About Crushing Down, Supply & Demand, the Lustfest That Is the Modern Day Coffee Chain, and Ugly Men & the Women Who Love Them

I’ve noticed something strange. You get a group of people who are confined to the same place for enough time, and a sexual hierarchy forms. Suddenly members of the opposite sex you wouldn’t normally give the time of day to become absolutely coveted because they’re the best of a raggedy bunch.

What I mean is this. I went to a small high school which didn’t have a lot of goodlooking guys. The goodlooking ones were given god-like status, the okay but funny ones had their pick of girls, and even the nasty ones got girls. And we would seriously FIGHT over them. And then we graduated and realized, whoa…there are other guys out there, and we look back and wonder, what the hell were we thinking????

Same thing happens in offices. You work at a small office. There are only two single ladies–one is average in every way (maybe even really boring), the other is fat, hairy and has a severe hygiene problem…the guys in the office will go APESHIT over the better looking girl, just because within the available pool, she’s the best choice and pickin’s are slim.

You get what I’m sayin’?

So I go to the same coffee chain every morning and sit for about 45 minutes trying to swallow my hatred for work before I actually go in. One day, while idly watching the people in the shop, I noticed that the dynamic was at play here. Over the months, I’ve noticed one single man who is about 40 and decent-looking. He’s not someone you would notice on the streets or someone who would wow your friends if you brought him home. But what works to his advantage, is that he’s in there EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. At about the same time. There are other people who are there every day, but of the men who aren’t wearing wedding bands, he’s the only one who isn’t old, ugly or homeless.

I’ve started feeling like an anthropologist watching the mating ritual of baboons, as I’ve gotten into the hobby of observing the dynamic that is at play. The thing is…women are ALWAYS hitting on him. And sometimes he pays attention to them, and sometimes he coyly ignores them, and it seems to drive the ladies crazy. They watch him and approach him and flirt with him like he’s a celebrity, when if you take him outside of the confines of the coffee shop and placed him in a larger pool of available males, he would NOT be the top pick. He’s a 3rd or 4th rounder at best. These girls even get a bit competitive with each other. I’ve witnessed many an evil eye directed at whatever particular pretty lady is getting his attention by one who is not. And what’s sadder is that these girls aren’t ugly. These women aren’t desperate recent divorcees (though some of them seem like it). These are women who should be out of his league, or girls who are too young to really want him for anything other than playing out some weird getting-daddy’s-attention deal.

So…why, people, why? You are coffee shop groupies. Please cease and desist. Because…it’s weird.

It’s like people get so crazy competitive when put in one place that they have to get the alpha male/female, even if that person isn’t an alpha in the grand scheme of the world.

I admit, I’ve fallen prey to this. I’ve worked in an office where there was only 1 single guy and about 20 girls so we all fought over him and he managed to sleep with a large percentage of the office. And then someone from “the outside” met him and said, “THAT’S him?” And later admitted that he was kind of butt ugly. He shouldn’t have been able to get any of us, but lucked out by placing himself in an arena where supply was devastatingly lower than demand.

I’m just saying…if you find yourself lusting after someone who by all necessary criteria isn’t in your league, someone you would probably be embarrassed taking home to your friends or family, just BREATHE, baby, and imagine if this person would still be attractive to you outside of the confined setting and amongst the general population. If the answer is no, then stop feeding the monster! You’re just bored. Do a crossword puzzle. It’ll save you the embarrassment of actually catching what you shouldn’t have been chasing in the first place.

So this is how it went down.

I’m in the kitchen, vehemously scrubbing the dishes with soap and a sponge like an obsessive-compulsive, opting not to use the dishwasher because I was awashed by my hardworking-Asian-in-the-fields ancestor roots and wanted to work with my hands. There’s a joy and naturalness to doing something that takes great manual effort. I was also very high.

Lauren is listening to her phone messages when she turns around and says, “Some brother…just left me a message saying, ‘So this is how it’s gonna go down bitch. You haven’t called me back.’ I think it’s this guy I met a long, long time ago.”

So she’s a little bit rattled and I’m telling her that guy sounds insane, especially if he’s been harboring anger at you for not calling him for this long of a time. Because it means he sat there and stewed about it obsessively. And I’m starting to freak out for her.

She wants me to listen to the message. I’m thinking I’m about to listen to a message from someone unstable enough to be a bona fide psychopath; she puts the phone to my ear and indeed, I hear a man say, “So this is how this is gonna go down bitch. You haven’t called me back.” Then pathetically, “So call me…bye…”

I started cracking up and said, “Lauren, that was a gay man. That brother’s gay.”

“So this is how this is gonna go down bitch“?

Honestly, he sounded like some girl trying to start a catfight.

So now Lauren’s a little embarrassed because we’re about to make fun of her because some guy who’s OBVIOUSLY gay but in complete self-denial was pissed at her for not calling him.

I say we need Brian’s opinion for verification. He’ll know if the guy’s gay.

Brian listens to the message and then starts cracking up, throwing the phone back to her. “That’s Colin.”

Remember Colin and his raging boots from a few posts ago? Dude, he’s most definitely some beautiful-black-but-psychotic stalker. I was totally freaking out that Lauren was being stalked by a maniac.

Happy Stupid Celebrity Gossip Eyewitness Day!!

Today is officially Stupid Celebrity Gossip Eyewitness Day! While this isn’t a national holiday, Dec. 3rd is a day to be celebrated, according to me. This special day is in honor of all the stupid people (mostly in LA), who will say the most asinine things to be quoted as the unnamed “eyewitness” in celebrity gossip blurbs.

Example:

The New York Post says that Mary-Kate Olsen‘s ex-boyfriend, David Katzenberg (son of DreamWorks tycoon Jeffrey), flew to Los Angeles last weekend in hopes of bumping into her and perhaps wooing her back.

But Katzenberg’s plan supposedly hit a major snag when he had an ill-timed run-in with Mary-Kate’s current squeeze, businessman Ali Fatourechi.

And the Stupid Celebrity Gossip Eyewitness says! :

“They were both at [the L.A. restaurant] Toast, sitting across from each other at separate tables,” an eyewitness tells the paper. “They were staring each other down — it was really uncomfortable.”

Ooooh. Deep thoughts. By non-celebrity attention whores.

So in honor of this special day, let’s all proudly show our colors as Stupid Celebrity Gossip Eye Witnesses!

Here are some eyewitnesses in all their glory:

-Dennis Quaid was spotted at a light in West LA driving a late-model metallic blue 7-series BMW. According to an eyewitness, “When the light turned green, Dennis did not abide by merging rules and instead, sped up to merge in front of me instead of behind me. It was really uncomfortable.”

-Queen Latifah was recently seen dining at [the LA restaurant] Toast, exhibiting behavior that shocked fellow diners. Said one eyewitness, “She ordered the salad/soup combo, but she wanted her dressing on the side with no carrots and extra croutons, but she wanted the salad served before the soup with a decaf nonfat vanilla latte to follow. And then she asked for a lowfat blueberry-lemon muffin to go! To go! What? She can’t eat at the table like the rest of us human beings? The most atrocious thing was when the waitress cam back and asked if she needed anything else, and the ‘Queen’ quickly whipped out her credit card and asked, “Do you take American Express?” Are you KIDDING me? Who the hell does she think she is??? There were CHILDREN in the restaurant! Needless to say, and I think everyone else in the restaurant will agree with me, the whole episode left a very bad taste in my mouth.”

-Ben Stiller was seen at a concession stand of a movie theater, looking puzzled at the menu. “It was like he didn’t know what he wanted,” said one eyewitness who was in line behind him. “I mean, there are only so many things that a movie theater offers. It’s not like there’s gonna be any surprises. And the longer he stared at it, the more it started creeping me out. And his wife just stood there and didn’t say anything! Looks like either someone’s on the verge of a breakdown, or a marriage is on the rocks to me…”

-Michelle Pfeiffer was seen in the Palisades picking up her son from his speech therapy appointment. According to one eye witness, “Let’s just say, she was driving a car, but it most definitely wasn’t a minivan. And when she pulled out of the driveway, she couldn’t even be bothered to put on her turn signal! I’m not judgmental, but I think most people would agree with me that someone who hasn’t had a box office hit in years doesn’t get to act like a *$&@ing diva.”

-Adam Sandler was recently spotted playing basketball at a public park in Westwood. One eyewitness observed, “He was wearing a heavy cotton-blend golf shirt while playing basketball. Who does that? And it was ugly, too. Frankly, I was appalled. And you know what else I think? Closet case…

– At a Lakers game last month, Jack Nicholson was overheard mumbling, “His beady little eyes were dwarfed by his superior forehead and further deanimated by his angular, slacked jaw. But his skin was soft and translucent, like a baby rabbit’s ass. Mmmm…baby rabbit ass. Wouldn’t YOU like to know where I’ve hidden the baby rabbit ass, you beady-eyed robot man! Don’t test me, kid. I want to wear your skin…” While the official word from Jack’s people is that the actor was merely utilizing doctor-prescribed peyote in order to finish an erotic-western novel in honor of National Novel Writing Month, others believe he was actually commenting on former teen actor James Van der Beek, who happened to also be in attendance that night. Van der Beek, on the other hand, was apparently causing quite a stir. An eyewitness at the game confided, “At one point, the ball flew out of bounds and hit that Dawson’s Creek kid on his forehead, but he didn’t even blink. Not even a change of expression! And by the way, I saw him eating nachos AND garlic fries along with a bunless hot dog. Atkins my ass…”

-Ron Jeremy was seen backstage an Ashlee Simpson concert, fervently pitching a coming-of-age romantic-comedy to her agent. Kindly, he took the time to pose for pictures with fans and gawkers. But according to one eyewitness who wasn’t so impressed by the man’s numerous film credits, “He smelled funny. Kinda like a freezer-burned corndog.”

-Zach Braff and Mandy Moore were spotted in a Century City movie theater canoodling at an opening-night screening of Kinsey. Despite the fact that the extraordinary actor turned writer/director triple threat has used his new found fame to snag (shag?) younger post-teen up-and-comers, the fame has not gone to the young man’s massive orange-on-a-toothpick head. He was overheard graciously agreeing to have his picture taken with a group of fans (even though this promise must have slipped his mind as he and Mandy sprinted out of the theater as soon as the credits rolled). Though one eyewitness noticed, “He shushed someone in the theater for laughing too loud, even though I could have sworn his guffaws were the ones overpowering everyone else’s in the theater over the clit joke.” When asked about Mandy Moore’s reaction to the scene, the eyewitness recounted, “I don’t think she noticed. I think Peter Saargard’s flaccid penis magnified on a large movie theater screen was making her uncomfortable.”

-Sources say, Gary Busey was found passed out in an alley behind a Hollywood dive bar last weekend, laying in a pool of his own vomit and urine with his penis exposed. When Robert Downey Jr. was questioned as to why he was found behind a dumpster only six feet away with an empty syringe needle still hanging from his arm, he was quoted as saying, “I suck dick for crack. What’s your point?” An eyewitness at the scene told this reporter, “My Secret Santa got me Robert Downey Jr.’s CD for Christmas last year. I tried to sell it to the used CD store and they gave me a buck sixty for it. I used that money to buy a Mounds bar and a taquito at 7-11. The taquito burned my tongue. I guess I ate it too fast.” Calls to either celebrity’s publicist were not returned.

Queer Eye for the Straight Girl

Brian is rabid about getting me on this show. His evidence:

“We have a Teletubby sitting in a baby rocking chair that she pulled out of the garbage bin and a TURTLE in the dining room, and an elliptical machine with a sequined cowboy hat hanging on it in the bedroom.”

We have to tell them about a big event that’s coming up so Brian offered:

“You had that big thing* where you ‘pretended’ you were coming out. We should just say you’re coming out. Colin would be happy to email them and tell them that you’re a lesbian, with the fleece vest to prove it.”

[*our friend Andrea surprised us with a visit from New York, so I told everyone I had a very serious announcement to make, and they had to be at my house at a certain time, in order for her to walk in and surprise them. Colin had bet money that I was coming out because, “lesbians love drama.”]

Brian’s requests of the show:

“Bring equine tranquilizers or somethin’ cuz this bitch ain’t gonna let you throw out her stuff without a fight. And can you figure out a way to keep her pants up? Get her butt implants or SOMETHING.”

On one hand, I would love the makeover they do to your place. I’ve been saving up money to redo the lighting design in my condo (Brian: “the lighting is SURGICAL”). On the other hand, I don’t want to be the butt of a reality tv joke. And I don’t want them going through my underwear drawer, and other, more private drawers.

But on the other hand, free stuff.

But on the other hand, they throw out my random, eccentric stuff.

But on the other hand, free stuff.

How spoiled are we when our biggest quandary in life is whether or not to apply for a reality show?

Fucking Americans.

An Open Letter to a Spam Sender

Dear Mr. Tweeter:

Thank you so much for your kind email today (Subject: Make your scallywag massive!); I can’t tell you how much it means to have a stranger take such interest in my vanity and be willing to help me make the improvements necessary for me to be an outstanding member of society. You have hit the nail on the head when you asked me if I dream about adding inches to my scallywag. In fact, just yesterday, I showed my mother my scallywag shortly after we exited our shower together, and she said, “Julia, you have a beautiful scallywag. But you know what would make it a GLORIOUS scallywag? More inches.” The universe must be synchronized, or God is looking out for me, because I opened up my inbox this morning and like a miracle, there was your email!

My only concern is that you say your product only adds 2-3 inches, and I’m afraid that 2-3 inches would still leave me with a below-average sized scallywag. Do you have a maximum strength version of your product? Or prosthetic accessories that can be purchased along with your product? I would not need anything drastic–Lord knows that I don’t want to go around with a bigger scallywag than those on the people I date. But just a big enough scallywag to give me a respectable bulge in my pants.

I would greatly appreciate more information on your product, as I think this is the very thing that could improve my quality of life! By the way, would you happen to know CuM_N_YoUr_PaNtS? He sent me an email yesterday (Subject: Horny Housewives Need Big Cock Now), but I accidentally deleted it instead of spam from that damn Christian Dating site that somehow got a hold of my email address. Sick motherfuckers. Anyway, I wanted to introduce him to steve b who sent me an email (Subject: Sluts Love Horse Cock). I thought those two might be able to join forces and help each other out.

So please get back to me ASAP. The more I think about it, the more I’m feeling inadequate about my scallywag.

Yours truly,
Julia S.

The Most Serene Republic of Shets and Giggles

Following a link on Mr. Spencer Watson’s site (
http://www.nationstates.net/cgi-bin/index.cgi), I created a mock nation for some simulation game.

Let me acquaint you with my nation (the computer wrote the description based on my answers to a questionaire. My FAVORITE line is the last line):

Name: The Most Serene Republic of Shets and Giggles
National Motto: “Do it like the monkeys.”
UN Category: Inoffensive Centrist Democracy
Civil Rights: Good
Economy: Reasonable
Political Freedoms: Excellent
Location: the South Pacific

The Most Serene Republic of Shets and Giggles is a tiny, devout nation, remarkable for its absence of drug laws. Its hard-nosed, intelligent population of 5 million have some civil rights, but not too many, enjoy the freedom to spend their money however they like, to a point, and take part in free and open elections, although not too often.
The enormous government juggles the competing demands of Religion & Spirituality, Law & Order, and Healthcare. The average income tax rate is 29%, but much higher for the wealthy. A very small private sector is dominated by the Trout Farming industry.
Crime is moderate. Shets and Giggles’s national animal is the volkswagon bus, which frolics freely in the nation’s many lush forests, and its currency is the children.

Excerpts from Dinner with My Mom

Mom: I always accidentally bite my tongue when I eat. Is that an illness?
Me: No. It’s stupidity.

Mom: This guy at work asked for a raise. He said he’s embarrassed that he’s working full-time but still needs his family to help out financially. If he had just asked me for a raise by listing everything he contributes to the company, I would have probably said no.

Me: I need to ask for a raise. “I limit my nodding off strictly to afternoons. And sometimes the mornings. But I always wake up in time to answer the phone.”

Mom: That might work. Maybe your boss has a sense of humor.

Me: I’m serious. It’s what I do.

Me: taking lives
Me: good theater movie because there are some scary moments in a dark theater but not a good movie
Me: though angelina is hot
jckurily: yes, she is
Me: and moved me a few more percentage points towards lesbianism
jckurily: nice…
Me: i want to be domestic with her
jckurily: thats always good to hear
Me: and run through fields of wheat
Me: in slow motion
jckurily: who doesnt
Me: we’ll bake cookies and get into a flour fight
Me: then we’ll collapse on the kitchen floor, exhausted, giggling
jckurily: go on
Me: i’ll notice that our clothes are covered with flour and dough so i take off her shirt
Me: and she takes off mine
Me: WAIT A MINUTE!
Me: this is supposed to be an innocent fantasy
Me: about domestic life with angelina jolie
jckurily: thats what they all say
Me: so we’d take off each other’s shirts and throw them into the laundry, but i would make sure that I select the “small” setting so that we conserve water. at this point, maddox has shit himself so she has to change him, except that we’re out of baby powder
Me: she gets hysterical saying that she has to have some, but i say, just don’t use it, we’ll get it later, and she’s crying and screaming at me for being callous and I say, there are cookies in the oven, i’m not running out to the store which is a 20 minute drive away
Me: and now she’s curled up on the bed, rocking herself and moaning, and maddox is in his play pen, naked from the bottom down, wailing, and I feel that red rage boiling up within me so I’ve gotta get out of the house
Me: i drive down to the 7-11 which is closer than the store but they don’t have baby powder, but by then, i’m feeling passive aggressive and don’t want to get the powder anyway because deep down, i know she loves that baby more than she loves me, so instead, i buy a pint of the cheapest whiskey they’ve got and sit in my car, drinking it while listening to the classic rock station
Me: they play don’t fear the reaper which is OUR song, but at this moment it only makes me hate her more, because I’ve drank the entire pint and I’m 10 days off of antidepressants anyway, and so all I can think about is her and that damn baby, crying into each other’s arms, maddox probably having shit all over himself because i know angie won’t put on that diaper until she has the powder
Me: and that’s when i decide, i can’t take this anymore
jckurily: what happened to the taking off shirt part
jckurily: and getting wet and wild
Me: reality, baby. reality happened

Not only did Brian try to send me to the gym this week wearing a handwritten sticker on my back that read, “I [heart] being a bottom,” but he has taken to writing little witticisms on his rent check, such as, FOR “Rent and Sex.” If I merely had to deposit these checks at the ATM, this wouldn’t be a problem. But today, I had to deposit the check with a teller because I had to take care of a minor issue with my cash reserve. So I’m holding his check that says, “FOR June Rent and Good Doggie Style,” and I have a 50/50 chance of getting either the old Armenian woman who barely speaks English, or the cute college boy who I flirted with mercilessly the last time I was here. As I get closer to the front of the line, praying to get the Armenian woman, College Boy looks up and smiles. Fuck. He remembers me. I’m praying and I’m praying to not get him as my teller, because as much as I joke about these things, I’m actually quite modest and I have a feeling that as bored as he is with his job, he’s going to notice that unusual little notation on the check. I end up getting the Armenian woman who didn’t seem to notice, but if I had gotten College Boy, I would probably have a great anecdote here about a ten-minute babble to a stranger about how I’m not a prostitute followed quickly by a mid-afternoon neurotic panic attack. Love your sense of humor, B. Love it to tiny, tiny, sharp, jagged bits.

Today, I asked my brother what he wanted to be for Halloween this year, and he said, “A gay FBI agent.”

???????????????????????????????????????????????

Wat?

Hump Day Means Office Productivity Day

jckurily: what other bad movies did we see
Me: i don’t know about bad but we saw red dragon (where you threatened to punch me in the head)
jckurily: in the face, julia.. not the head
Me: that’s right, in the face
Me: i’ll remember your fist when i try not to get scared watching gothika
jckurily: trust me, you wont get scared from gothika
jckurily: you will laugh and hate yourself for renting it
Me: self-loathing…the best kind of effect from a video rental
jckurily: it is… thats my motto
Me: if it doesn’t make me want to kill myself from disgust, then it’s not worth renting
jckurily: they have a whole section dedicated to that area
Me: like next to Special Interest and Academy Awards?
jckurily: exactly… but you have to show a special card in order to rent these movies
Me: you mean your anti-depressant prescription
jckurily: or a used condom
Me: if you have a used condom, you don’t need self-loathing videos cuz you’re getting some
jckurily: unless, you were so desperate, you pretend to get a used condom because you really cant get any so you need to get these videos to fill the void
Me: whoa
Me: we’re theorizing about someone bringing a used condom to hollywood video
Me: that’s funny, because i was seriously thinking about the psychological elements of what you just said
jckurily: and what is that?
Me: that someone must be real fucked up in the head to fake a used condom to take out a video. 🙂
Me: not considering the fact we’re probably real messed up for theorizing about a world where one must present a used condom to take out a video that is recommended to having the effect of making one want to kill himself
jckurily: or people who talk about people who theorize about people who would go to HV with a used condom to rent movies that are bad
Me: or people who think about wanting to talk about people who theorize about people who would go to hv with a used condom to rent movies that are bad
jckurily: or people who point out people who think about wanting to talk about people who theorize about people who would go to hv with a used condom to rent movies that are bad
Me: or people who passively sit by and encourage people who point out people who think about wanting to talk about people who theorize about people who would go to hv with a used condom to rent movies that are bad
jckurily: or people who unjustly accuse that a person is passively sitting by and encouraging people who point out people who think about wanting to talk about people who theorize about people who would go to hv with a used condom to rent movies that are bad
Me: or people who never explained the dangers of prejudice and ignorance to people who unjustly accuse that a person is passively sitting by and encouraging people who point out people who think about wanting to talk about people who theorize about people who would go to hv with a used condom to rent movies that are bad.

jckurily: have you seen my baseball?

My baby brother, Michael, likes teddy bears. And so in an effort to teach him social skills, my mom names his bears things like Manners Bear, and Soft-Spoken Bear, and Patience Bear in hopes that they will “teach” him these attributes.

So I thought of some other bears that might be good teaching models for him:

Don’t Take Candy From Naked Strangers Bear
Hide The Kitchen Knives When Daddy’s Been Drinking Bear
Don’t Touch The Dog Like That Bear
Don’t Pick Your Nose At The Dinner Table Bear
Touching Yourself In Public Is A Sin Bear
Be Nice to Grandpa Because He Can Still Change His Will Bear
Help Your Big Sister Find A Rich Boyfriend Bear
You Don’t Need To Know About Sex So Stop Asking About It Bear
Stop Looking At The Naked Men In The Gym Locker Room Bear
Be Kind And Rewind The Porn Tape Bear
Hands Off People’s Bottoms Bear
Mommy and Daddy Don’t Love Each Other Anymore So Stop Crying Bear
Stop Asking “What’s That Smell” Bear
Where On The Bear Did The Bad Man Touch You Bear
Shitting In The Middle Of The Living Room Is Not Okay Bear
Sometimes Men Like To Hug Other Men Instead Of Women And That’s Okay Bear
One Drunken Incident In College Does Not Make Your Sister Gay Bear
Handcuffs Are Not Toys Bear
Don’t Scratch Yourself When You’re Being Baptized In Front Of The Whole Church Bear
Tongues Don’t Go There Bear
Boys Pee Standing Up Bear
Don’t Drop The Soap In The Shower Bear
Being A Male Prostitute For One Week To Pay Some Bills That You Blew On Coke Booze And Gambling Is Okay Bear

More not-working-at-the-office fun:

Me: the family guy scripts are funny
Me: are they for sure bringing the show back?
jckurily: i dont know for sure
jckurily: i know there was talk about a movie
Me: oh. my. god. that would be AWESOME
jckurily: i know.
Me: do you watch that show?
jckurily: i have like 33 ep in my tivo
Me: nice
Me: you should dump them to tape to save room
Me: for things like queer eye and the oc
Me: i’m just kidding
jckurily: but how did you know…
Me: jake, we ALL know…
Me: there never really was an intern between sean and you, was there?
jckurily: no.. that was an imagination
jckurily: and jamie was a boy
jckurily: oh, god..i feel so dirty
jckurily: but i feel better for talking about it
Me: don’t worry, many many many MANY young men enjoy being greased up by their employers and playing cabana boy during the afterwork hours
Me: it’s pure metrosexual stress relief
Me: i won’t judge
jckurily: oh… i am sooo relieved that I am not alone..
jckurily: maybe i can start a union for this
Me: you should
Me: Greasy Cabana Boys Who Are Not Gay But Still Really Really Love Their Overweight Bosses Association
jckurily: GCBWANGBSRRLTOBA for short… i think it will catch on
Me: LOL
jckurily: it just rolls of the tongue

Spending 40 hours a week next door to a mall is rotting my soul…

jckurily: hey, i was wondering if you wanted to have lunch tomorrow…
Me: sure thang
jckurily: cool
Me: can you come by century city mall?
jckurily: yup
Me: yay
Me: we’ll talk shit
Me: about fat people
Me: and ugly people
Me: and sometimes fat ugly people
jckurily: thats the only way to feel better
Me: but the best way is talking shit about people who can’t walk good
Me: because…you know…they can’t walk good.
jckurily: thats just wrong julia

This was a transcript of an IM session that gave birth to a movie idea. The topic beforehand was about a sexy guy.

Me: will there be imminent lovemaking?
LaurenAHooch: how could he resist my charms..
Me: that’s what i’m talkin bout
LaurenAHooch: imminent..i like that…sounds like some sort of plague or something
Me: the Black Imminent Lovemaking Plague of 2003
Me: oooh…how so many succumbed!!
LaurenAHooch: you are making me crack up here
Me: we should write a script about it
Me: it would actually make a great porn movie
Me: the country shuts down as people are self-quarantined in their bedrooms with the black imminent lovemaking plague
LaurenAHooch: sign me up for service
Me: it opens with a woman, her clothes in tatters as she just barely escapes a frenzied mob of men showing symptoms of the plague, screaming into the camera, what about the children?!?!
LaurenAHooch: im ready to be all that i can be
Me: and then someone points to a writhing pile of flesh and appendages and says, they’re in there!
Me: it’s sick but true
Me: it’s a work of non-fiction
LaurenAHooch: is this still a porn? needs to be more sex
Me: it is more sex!
Me: it’s one big orgy that spills out into the streets!
Me: they keep bringing in the national guard but they too succumb to the plague
LaurenAHooch: ohhhhhhh……im liking the sound of this one
Me: mmmm…men in uniforms
LaurenAHooch: who would play the lead…
Me: why we would co-lead, of course!
LaurenAHooch: that’s what im talkin about
Me: we’ll be the people who are originally infected with the plague on a trip to amsterdam after getting free tickets to a suspicious yet deliciously raunchy show in the backroom of some seedy hostel
LaurenAHooch: more…more
Me: another aspect of the plague is that people turn homosexual when exposed to water (like in gremlins) and autoerotic when they eat after midnight