Things I Will Do:

1. Finish Secret Life of Lies.
2. Publish Bleeding Blue.
3. Win an award for Off the Strip.
4. Write a successful personal empowerment book.
5. Become a recognized healer.
6. Become a powerful speaker.
7. Before I die, lay it all down in The Guide to Recognizing Your Soulmates.
8. Meet a man named Chauncey.
9. Find the blue man with olive skin.
10. Be surprised when it happens.
11. Own the luxury writing cave with a balcony facing west with views of the water.

Classes I would like to take:

1. Photography
2. Spanish
3. Mythology
4. Comparative Religion
5. Behavioral Neuroscience
6. Ballroom Dancing
7. Photoshop

In the spirit of Amsterdam and my hotel room offering free hardcore porn, I decided to explore…

Things I Think Are Hot:

Button-Down Shirts with Ties – call it a dad fetish or whatever. But when I see a guy with nice shoulders in a shirt & tie, all I can think about is taking it off. Doesn’t work with old fat, married fucks, but any clean-cut guy in a shirt & tie makes me imagine taking his clothes off.

– Left-Handers – the minute I see someone is left handed, I automatically assume they’re creative and hold some kind of right-brained secret knowledge that us right-handers don’t possess. And I want it. I crumble at the hands of left-handers with dark, expressive eyes, and whenever a left hander is writing, I’m always staring at his hand like it’s the most fascinating thing I’ve ever seen.

-Pisces they are my poison. I feel like I was born part Pisces and whenever I want to express to them that I think we’re alike, they crash me into the rocks like a ship caught in a storm. I can’t help that I was born in the wrong place. I just want to join your camp for a little while so you can give me some pointers.

-Twins – I was in love with a twin for a long time. I would have had no problem if that relationship needed to involve both of them. They say that Geminis need two of everything. That’s definitely true in my life. I even have two toothbrushes (both green). In terms of relationships, I can only handle one commitment. But as long as I haven’t made a commitment, all’s fair in love and war, and I think two is better than one.

-Candlelit Showers – alone or with someone else, these could take hours…

-Falling Asleep to the Sound of Someone’s Heartbeat -this is one of the most comforting things in the world.

-Men Who Have the Ability to Get Up Early – because they can get up before me and make me breakfast.

-Thunderstorms – the best is to wake up at dawn on a Saturday morning to the sounds of a thunderstorm outside, and know you have nothing to do today but to stay under the covers.

-Hands – a guy once told me that he’s never noticed a girl’s hands before, but that I had beautiful hands. After that, I started noticing people’s hands. There’s something really sexy about a guy with strong hands and nimble fingers.

-Eyes – when I look into a man’s eyes and it’s like tumbling into a deep cave. You can glimpse an entire universe, moving through him like a powerful river. It’s unbelievably hot when a man opens up so you can see this universe through his eyes.

-Lavender – brings out my soft, feminine side.

-Strangers – entire universes to explore with no obligations. Anything goes…

-Sports – adrenaline + sweat + physical contact + endorphins. You may as well have sex as the perfect afternoon cap.

-Wits – if your mind can hang with mine and you can keep up, then you’ve already mastered the foreplay.

-Kissing – I am totally orally fixated.

Agenda for the Year of Fearless Living

1. Dance more. Both publicly and privately.
2. Meet new people with great smiles and fascinating stories.
3. Kiss in the rain
4. Successfully drive to the basket (and finish) without having an ounce of fear in regards to my knees.
5. Train like a professional athlete.
6. Spend money like water
7. Tell people that I like to cuddle without immediately following up with the dismissal, “I know that sounds gay. “
8. Enjoy the company of others
9. Finish what I start
10. Does there have to be a ten? I feel like if there’s a ten, I would be compelled to stop at ten, to make this a nice even list of ten. But even if I had other things that I wanted to accomplish, I would push those to the back of my mind until they no longer existed, just so I could have a nice even list of ten to post. Which would make this a skimpy year of fearless living, and deep down, I would always feel like I cheated myself out of something important, and I would probably live out my life in extreme passive-aggressive resentment at myself. But thankfully, there isn’t a ten, so therefore, I can have as many action points as I want. So anyway…
11. Travel more. Particularly to places where I feel that people are warm.
12. Never be afraid of walking away from something or someone if I know it’s not what I want.
13. Learn to play the piano.
14. Don’t be shy about singing.
15. If you like someone, tell them. Because it’s not committal, it’s just a compliment.
16. Tell Baron Davis that he completes me.
17. Don’t be afraid of not answering the phone or being MIA. Those who matter know I always come back.
18. Have fun. Have fun being myself and being ecstatic about that, even if my current urge for expression is to go to Costco for an economy size tub of non-dairy creamer, and spend the entire weekend lighting it on fire.
19. Consider how the fact that you always switch between first person and second person narration could be too revealing of the fact that in your head, you have two personas who have a ball talking to each other, and sometimes like to complete each other’s sentences.
20. Fall in love with the sound of my own typing all over again.
21. Start my own business the right way without worrying about my capabilities. I can deal with the issues that crop up as they come. I just need to trust my resourcefulness.
22. Truly understand that I am not responsible for people just because they love me.
23. Meet someone who takes my breath away.

New Year’s Goals (in no particular order)

1. Finish a feature script by March
2. Finish said script’s outline by December
3. Complain less at work.
4. Yell at boss less at work.
5. Remember to close office door when yelling at work.
6. Learn to be vicious without raising my voice like Meryl Streep in Devil Wears Prada.
7. Afford Prada.
8. Make six-figures and not spend it all on bubble wrap for de-stressing.
9. Go to gym more.
10. Go to gym for more than 20 minutes more.
11. Have the guts to take dance-oriented aerobics class and not feel like that fat girl in junior high who split her pants in PE.
12. Strengthen my knees so I can drive to the basket more.
13. Dribble better with my left.
14. Dunk
15. Windmill dunk
16. 360 windmill dunk
17. Stop using the same water bottle for 3 months.
18. Think of clever name for a restaurant.
19. Open said restaurant.
20. Quit job to sit in corner of said restaurant with laptop, thinking about wanting to write as I sip my own overpriced cappucino.
21. Expand J&R’s Lemonade.
22. Learn web design to aid expansion.
23. Buy a manufacturing plant.
24. Enforce a hair net rule.
25. Find a doctor who can help Michael with his weird allergy symptoms
26. Find Michael a job.
27. Buy a Treo and get organized.
28. Learn to back up files.
29. Learn Adobe Photoshop.
30. Make animated penguin movie where they all have my face.
31. Set aside time every week for fun reading.
32. Stay in touch with people better.
33. Figure out what I want to do with my life.
34. Buy another condo.
35. Learn more about property management.
36. Shoot something on HD.
37. Eat a gallon of ice cream in one sitting.
38. Throw it all up.
39. Ponder how hard/easy life must be for Nicole Richie.
40. Direct another comedy show.
41. Be nicer to Reggie.
42. Spend less time surfing the net.
43. Find a direction that I’m comfortable with.
44. Be okay with not doing anything.
45. Be more focused and limit multi-tasking to only when it’s efficient.
46. Update He Looks Like at least once a month.
47. Blog more.
48. Limit snoozing to less than 4 times each morning.
49. Get up earlier so I can sleep longer in the shower.
50. Don’t be so afraid of people.

Older and Wiser
(…or more so, older)

Yesterday I turned 27. Here is a list of things I’ve learned in the last year:

1. Do not set a toaster oven for 12 minutes when making toast.
2. Be careful of mixed company when making jokes about KY, cucumbers and My Little Pony.
3. Two women in a relationship = high drama within a 25 mile radius.
4. Europeans hate us.
5. I have the capacity to keep mayonnaise in my fridge for over 8 months after it expires.
6. My turtle was a girl.
7. You never know who might come back into your life.
8. You never know who might suddenly leave.
9. People are more onto you than you would like to believe.
10. Never complain about your job on the internet when it can be traced back to you.
11. Stalking is an artform if you do it with class.
12. Your past has less power over you than you think.
13. You’re probably doing things that are results of old unconscious wounds as I write this.
14. Sometimes God speaks through the kindness of strangers.
15. Sometimes you just have to let yourself take the leap off the cliff and trust people.
16. The friends you make in life ARE your family.
17. There are a lot of really fucking funny people out there in this world.
18. It doesn’t matter if some people don’t “get” you; there are enough who do.
19. You can always find something that will make you smile.
20. Soul food will make you fatter but happier.
21. Sometimes you can have people in your life you don’t even like, yet you don’t realize it’s okay not to have them in your life anymore.
22. Not everyone in your life wants you to do well.
23. Cherish the people who do.
24. My favorite poker hand is a hand that has all red cards.
25. You’re never too old to make crank calls.

I’m off to Europe in a few hours. I’m up late trying to load up my brother’s new iPod for him but I managed to erase 9 hours of previously loaded music when I had to switch computers because his is virus-riddled. [Is it possible to add songs from a 2nd computer’s library without erasing the songs already on there? The only option I seem to be able to find is to replace one computer’s library with the other. What if someone has two computers?] So now he has 2 CDs on his. Utterly pathetic.

Since I’m out of the country until the New Year, here are my resolutions:

-fix my back
-fix my bank account
-finish open writing projects
-less cussing
-less cussing at work
-less bullying of superiors at work
-find moderation between being adamantly reclusive and manically outgoing.
-find moderation in inviting fucktards into my life
-find moderation in Costco expenditures
-find moderation in number of weird situations I purposely get myself into for the sake of the crazy stories
-better anger/anxiety management
-less time spent sitting in traffic
-be conscious of trying not to be influenced by people around me who cuss a lot or are very angry.
-get out of my head as much as possible
-travel more
-visit friends
-hang up on my downstairs neighbor at least once
-worry less about the things I can’t change that may or may not happen, and use that time and energy to be more productive, like training my turtle to be a champion turtle racer.

Merry Christmas and happy new year everyone.

If I Were to Move…

I’ve made a random list of criteria for an ideal place to live (numbered, but in random order of importance):

1. Has forests and decent rainfall, yet is close to bodies of water.
2. Has seasons (preferably mini-seasons such as in the Pacific Northwest where the summers/winters aren’t as harsh as on the East Coast).
3. West of the Mississippi
4. Very intelligent and open-minded population
5. Low poverty/unemployment level
6. Low crime
7. Strong and diverse culinary sampling
8. Diverse population
9. Community-, family-oriented atmosphere
10. Good venues for live music
11. Has an NBA basketball team
12. Good gyms
13. Good 90s music radio station
14. Good hip hop radio station
15. Minimal traffic/commute to work
16. Diverse religious background
17. Strong artistic community
18. Where my future life partner resides

If you guys have any recommendations, let me know. I have some free Southwest vouchers so I’m going to be checking out cities. I already know that I love Seattle.

This was important to me…that people be educated. Ignorance breeds small-mindedness and at the very least, I prefer that the people who make up the personality of a city be educated:

Of that list, places I’m willing to consider:

1. Seattle
2. Austin
3. Albuquerque
4. Portland
5. San Diego
6. Denver

But in honesty, I don’t think I have the guts to move. But in an ideal situation, I would love to rent out my place, quit my job and just live nomadically while I can since I’m still young and have limited responsibilities.

A friend of mine is writing a creative piece on what would happen if you were able to know every person who has ever had a crush on you. I’m reluctant to write more about it as I don’t want anyone out there ripping off her idea in any way and having her not be able to be my Suga Ma’am if she sells it one day. Anyhoo (don’t you hate people who say “anyhoo?” they’re the same kind of people who wear light-colored J Crew mock turtlenecks into cool bars and order chardonnays)…so as a little exercise in humility (or lack of sense…take your pick) and to fulfill a challenge, I will list my crushes for the world to see, in hopes of inspiring all those around the world to do the same, so that we can break down these walls of silence and hate and prejudice and bad Saturday night television programming to join hands in making this the LoveFest that our brethren in the Cult of Jesus Bob and Mary intended (yes, Bob was his real father. Immaculate my ass). May I also mention that I am drunk off of Captains n’ Coke and life, and have to sober up enough to return to the party? Perhaps it’s worth a tiny mention. Some names are not completed because I still know them, and want to be able to face them tomorrow morning.

Rollin (6 years old) – Probably my first love. He was my best friend at the Challenger School for the Gifted and Talented and taught me long division with fraction remainders at the age of 6. And we loved to play Doctor…I stomped on the bees and brought them to him half dead and he was supposed to bring them back to life, but after a whole afternoon of this, he got really frustrated because they kept dying. And now he’s a doctor (I give my sadistic self all the credit). God, I hated him and talked so much shit about him to my mom. But that’s because I didn’t know what love was. Until Foreigner showed me.

Linus (7 years old) – remember the Pants Down Game? I know you do. Because when you moved to the town that I had moved to and we met up again 8 years later, you asked me if I remembered that game and I pretty much mumbled and shifted my eyes for a few minutes to avoid answering. Plus, your girlfriend had a death wish against me.

Josh (4th grade) – He flipped me off when he found out I liked him. Yeah. But I’m not the one who hid behind the equipment room picking my nose.

Michael Cloud (6th grade) – Yeah, he was right. I did cheat off of him on that one math brainbuster. But damn, he was smart. And that’s hot.

Philip (7th grade) – he turned out to be a total dick. And then dated a fat chick.

Justin (7th grade) – he was my friend and I really liked him. One night, our softball team had a slumber party and called him up and told him that I liked him. They put me on the phone and he asked, “Is that true?” I think I hung up on him.

Nate (8th grade) – Naaaate. I dug his t-shirt about not farting and sneezing at the same time. He was cool. Just saw a recent photo of him and he’s still damn cute.

Erik (8th grade) – I think our whole softball team had a crush on him. And then I saw him years later after he went off to college and turned out gorgeous. I went back and told everyone that he looked like a freakin’ Swedish God. He was one of the nicest people that I’d ever met, too.

Corey (9th grade) – I had a HUGE crush on him. For two years. Bad hair, pegged his jeans, but still. Walked by him every day between second and third period and never said anything. But then one day, he smiled and it was beautiful. So I told my friend who was friends with him and she told him that I liked him and he told her to have me call him (yes, it IS that complicated). So I did and I was scared shitless and talked to him for a few minutes. At the end of the call, he was kind about it and said, “Hey, you don’t have to be so nervous.” That was nice. But I was too scared to call again and never looked him in the eye again, mostly running away if I passed him in the halls. Yes, that’s my way. I was the master seductress.

Chris (10th grade) – baseball player, wore a baseball cap EVERY DAY. Really cute. He’s married now.

Kent (10th grade) – HOT ass legs. Played basketball at the gym with him every day the summer I turned 16. He was a few years older than me but really cool. We met up once in Thailand a few years later and he told me that he always wondered if I had a crush on his friend who also played basketball with us. I never told him how I felt about him. We kept in touch for years and were even living in LA at the same time after I graduated from college, but by then, he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend. I think he’s married now; he’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met.

Francis (11th grade) – DJ at a dance club. Awesome legs. Kickass style. Yeah, I have a thing for legs.

Joe (12th grade) – a pretentious asshole who treats people who treat him well very badly. I wrote him a detailed letter telling him how badly he treats people and he called and talked to me about how the letter opened his eyes and made him realize the changes he wanted to make in his life. And then he went off to college, became some kind of activist, decided that his family was too bourgeoise for him since he grew up in the “ghettos of Redwood City,” and dropped out of college. To this day, I hear he’s still a self-absorbed, self-important asshole.

Simar (12th grade) – not sure if he ever knew. I think every one of my friends has had a thing for him at some point. We’re good friends now.

Gabe (college) – he said the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me: “I’m your monkey. If you want coconuts, I’ll climb up that tree and get you coconuts. Cuz I’m your monkey.”

Gordon (college) – creative and comic genius. I think everyone knew about this one!

Brian (college) – Maryland Brian. The crush of my life. The guy I broke my own heart over. Cisco…the newspaper…finding out that I lived across the street from him and could see into his living room…saying hi to him from my window as he walked to class…this guy taught me a lot about integrity, leadership and forgiveness…6’5 with beautiful brown eyes and the kindest smile…he believed in me…the bitch letter that nearly ruined it…Grosse Point Blank…pictured in the paper with my handcuffs…the aphrodisiac article…green M&M cookies…I was in love with you but was too scared to admit it…sorry that I asked you out and then never brought it up again and then acted like a jerk for the rest of the semester…took years to get over you when it was my fault…I still think about you when I hear Mighty Mighty Bosstones on the radio… never told you how much I appreciated everything you taught me and how you made me a better person. Another one who is married now, and I’m happy for him. This man is an incredible person and I wish him the very best in life.

Ian (college) – well, you kind of looked like Brian. And your mom worked with him after he moved back to Maryland. That was weird.

Michael (college) – no comment. SERIOUSLY. no comment

Dan (college) – who didn’t? This is the guy that sex fantasies are made for.

Jason (college) – this kid could be the meanest guy, but then he’d turn around and do something really nice and throw you off guard. He seemed to like to spend time with me, but would always try to make a point of showing that he didn’t really LIKE to spend time with me, which just made the opposite more obvious and frustrating. I always felt like someone must have really hurt him. We were friends but had a falling out, but I still like to get news every once in a while about how he’s doing.

Fred (college) – Yeeeeeeah FRED!! Fellow Gemini. We’re still in touch. He was the cutest guy in my film production class my senior year and I told my best friend so, not knowing that he was in the next room and could hear us. I guess he had a girlfriend but that whole deal was really
funny. He’s a creative genius, though sometimes a little scary with the sex jokes. I’m kicking his fantasy basketball team’s ass right now. Fred…move out to LA! You need to unleash your mad sense of humor on this inane industry.

Carl (college) – I think every girl in the film program had a thing for this guy. We went out and then he told me he had a girlfriend. And then he invited me to his place for a “platonic” hanging-of-out and made a point of showing me his bed, then put on a foreign film, showed me the tattoo that canvassed his back and tried to feed me the “Nice shoes” line (for those who don’t know, the next half of that line is…”wanna fuck?”). Yeah, I left because I wasn’t interested. Don’t like cheaters who use bad lines and are terrified of their girlfriends.

Andrew (’00) – I seemed to always insult him without meaning to. I tried to compliment him by telling him that he looked like Marlon Brando, but I meant Brando when he was young and he got mad cuz he thought I was calling him fat. Then another day, he was wearing a light blue button-down and I told him that I liked his shirt. Then I realized that my boss (a woman) was also wearing a blue button-down with khakis and blurted out, “I think Melissa’s wearing the same outfit.” He said, “You mean they make this for men?” That was a funny comeback but I feel bad about that comment to this day. I really didn’t mean to insult him; it just always seemed to come out that way.

John (’01) – Vegas John. Wow, our signals got crossed so badly the first time we met, that I came back a few months later to set it straight. You were a total sweetheart and so damn cute; we were supposed to go out, but I got so worked up about it that I misunderstood your emails and stood you up accidentally…twice. Don’t blame you if you were mad. Glad you got out of Vegas. Like I said, I still remember your birthday…June 27th.

Zach (’01) – what a waste of time. Kid doesn’t know who he is but he bleeds everyone around him because he can’t stand up on his own legs. And he lies to himself and to the people around him. I’ve got no respect for him. He’s just a boy who’s not good enough to be my friend. You can’t pretend to eat if there’s still shit on the table, man…

There. I listed them. Now give me my money.

If insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, then why the hell bother getting up every morning expecting/hoping that life gets better? Why not just be content with what you have and just let the good things that come unexpectedly be frosting on the cake? Things I am thankful for:

1. My brother and everything I learn from him about love and trust
2. My family
3. My friends
4. Being fucking hot
5. Being fucking smart
6. Being fucking arrogant
7. Knowing a little bit about everything and everything about nothing
8. That no matter how many times I’ve been kicked down, life helps me stand back up and grow
9. That I count my blessings and try to see the beauty in everything.
10. Having the clarity to understand and to have faith in my Journey.

My 2004 resolutions:

1. Finish Bleeding Blue (my book of poetry)
2. Finish my horror film
3. Make out with a Taurus, Sagittarius, Virgo and Pisces to complete my tour of the zodiac.
4. Be well on my way to my 2005 goal of being a millionaire by the time I’m 27
5. To say what I think and think what I feel
6. To not take bullshit from people
7. To not give people the benefit of the doubt who don’t deserve it.
8. To never stop loving and raising my awareness and spiritual vibration.
9. To be happy.
10. To not feel guilty when I am content and others are not.

Hope everyone has a wonderful, prosperous and elevating 2004!