Home(b) – Notes from Abroad (Returning from Texas) (Sorry, that was a terrible joke)

(remember that stage when Michael always put a ‘b’ at the end of the word home?)

I’m at home and I’m so happy to be showered and in my own bed. I know that I’ve never been a big fan of Los Angeles, but I absolutely love my home. Maybe that’s what some people are searching for. Where their true home is. Some people get lucky and are born into a place that inherently feels like home. Some people are always searching for that place, that root from which we come, so that we have a safe place to become the vulnerable people we were born into this world as. Safety is having the space to be completely vulnerable. How many of us truly feel safe in the place where we are in our lives?

Probably not enough.

Austin was amazing. These people are both so deeply artistic and simultaneously so intense about their connection to the land and its elements. The energy there is a unique blending of the element of earth and the element of air. They’re also very respectful of your own personal space, or maybe, Robert is super protective in his instigation. I had told Robert that I didn’t think guys in Texas would like Asian girls because they would prefer the blond girls. Robert decided to announce to all of his friends while we were hanging out by the pool, “Julia thinks that guys in Texas don’t want to get with Asian girls.” And then said, “We’re all proof that this isn’t true.” So here we were, 4 straight guys (including one convicted sex offender like Brian likes to point out) who have been drinking, Brian who was busy floating in the deep end getting drunk, and me, the only girl, in my bikini. And Robert makes this awkward announcement that leads to this awkward silence and all the guys are looking at me. I really didn’t want to mess with this situation, especially when earlier that morning, one of the guy’s crazy girlfriend had told me that this pool was conducive to taking off your clothes and having crazy debauched things happen. It just overwhelmed me. So I reiterated that I didn’t believe it, and made some joke about how everything I know about Texas, I learned from watching the show, Cheaters. Brian started talking about how crazy Cheaters was, and after a few minutes, I got out of the pool and hung out on the deck.

Sometimes I feel like when I’m sharing certain recounts of my life, they could all end in some crazy sex romp if I didn’t always do the wrong thing, or if I would just take the two extra steps to really get things rolling in a wicked direction. I know my coworkers are demanding that I start creating more meat to the endings to my crazy weekend stories, especially when they involve lesbians. But I just can’t make myself pursue it sometimes because of a feeling in my gut that this is going to be a really bad idea.

There are a few hidden stories on here about the times it did end crazily. Some of those are great memories, and during others, I was mad scared and would never do them again in a million years. I guess everyone needs to pick and choose their sexual escapades.

But lately, I don’t feel this need for wild and crazy sexual adventures. Sometimes it’s not so much that I’m scared, but that I absolutely don’t want that kind of experience tainting the kind of energy I have right now. I want something that’s wild, crazy, intense and private. I think about crazy scenarios in my head and I love them, but these are only thoughts…they don’t even exist. In terms of reality, I want to hold on to that energy and let it make me creative until I find that one person that I trust absolutely unconditionally. And then this person will be the only person that I share all the things that I’ve learned accumulated to this point. I will open up and show him everything. And this will be solely and privately shared and experienced between us and only us. That’s me right now and what I want. Maybe I’m ass backwards. 3 years ago, I was all about collecting wild and crazy experiences and letting loose. I didn’t have any interest in getting to know one person deeply rather than many people superficially. But then I end up getting pushed into a long-term relationship, my only one. Now I’m totally liberated and I’m really happy, and people are picking up on that and circling so that I can have all the exploratory relationships I want, but I’m just looking for that one deep connection.

I could have slept with people this weekend. There were people who were always around and wanted it. But I didn’t have a single ounce of interest, and did worry a little about people getting aggressive. But outside of this one punkish heavyset girl who shoved her tits in my face at the gay bar as she walked by, people were polite and respectful. I couldn’t stop looking into everyone’s eyes, briefly, trying to catch a glimpse of something familiar, and that was the only thing that could get me to engage socially. I just couldn’t stop looking for that friend who was in the crowd, because I wanted a higher connection, an emotional connection, the type of meeting where it feels like you’re hashing out old memories, but when I didn’t find it, I was content to just sit in the background and watch from inside my head. I don’t know. It’s just been an unexpected time. I’ve never felt stronger or happier and I’m learning to relax and just experience everything, to see where this wave of inspiration is taking me. But it’s like how I’ve been eating healthier and treating my body better. I’m looking for something that will make the more evolved parts of me stronger. I gain my strength through emotional connections and that’s the only thing I want right now. Clean, good energy and a higher awareness.

That was something that I learned this weekend.

Brian and I went to Twin Falls, this natural swimming hole. The place was amazing–such a diverse mix of race, culture and age groups. There were families swimming next to tattooed and pierced people smoking joints. The types of people would change from area to area. Brian gravitated towards a good-looking frat plot line with hot people that was unfolding. I spent time trying to catch a football thrown by these black guys while jumping off a fall. I’ve never dove off a fall before, and I think normally I’d be scared of it because of all the stories my mom told me about people who get paralyzed. But I was totally excited to get up there and I took one look, handed my sunglasses to Brian, and jumped.

Oh holy shit. I haven’t jumped into a deep body of water in years and I couldn’t understand how the hell I’d forgotten this feeling. It was exhilarating…a new experience and an old memory smashing together and becoming the same thing as I exploded underwater.

I did it a few times and on our last jump, I asked Brian if he wanted to do it together, holding hands. He didn’t.

So I realized afterwards that I really fucked up my back (I also took a ride with the currents that was semi-intentional). I worried that it might affect my ability to bear weight on my right leg, but I prayed and took some Advils, and it didn’t tighten up on me too badly on the 3 hour flight, and only got tight after I’d showered and gotten into bed. I love how reliable my body is sometimes. You really do need to think of your body like a horse. If you treat it well and earn its trust, it will do its best to take care of you and be there for you.

On the flight home, there was a black male flight attendent with cornrows and a nice smile. His seat was just next to us, facing the back of the plane and he kept looking at me and smiling. It wasn’t menacing or suggestive. It was like he would try to look away and then try to catch my eye again. I was practicing my Toastmasters speech and when I saw that he kept watching, I got really self-conscious, so I waited until he left to provide beverage service before I continued practicing. Later, I fell asleep, but when I woke up as we were landing, he was in his chair, watching me. He l
ooked away really quickly. I closed my eyes again, but I half opened them later and saw that he was looking at his hands in his lap but glancing over out of the corner of his eye occasionally and smiling. Something about me was making him happy. It was kind of sweet.

When we landed, I put on my baseball cap and sunglasses. It was because I realized my hair had drip dried from the creek so it was probably really messy, and I put on my sunglasses because I had left the case in my suitcase which I’d checked in, so I didn’t want to let them get smashed in my bag.

But what I found when I did that, was a lot of men on the plane started glancing and double-glancing over, including some dude from Days of our Lives. I think also, in LA, if you go out in a hat and sunglasses, people will check to see if you’re a celebrity incognito, or a celebrity poser. I was someone with messy hair who didn’t want to break a decent pair of sunglasses, but I guess lowkey gets you more attention out here. The flight attendent kept looking, but I could tell he couldn’t tell if he was making eye contact with me, and I wasn’t giving him any sign. I was in the very back of the plane, and as soon as I stepped into the aisle, he suddenly stood up with his bag like he was leaving. He kind of stepped out into the aisle, smiled and said, “Hi.” I stopped because I thought he wanted to go in front of me. But he waved me by and told me to go first. Well, it seemed like he was getting off the plane and it seemed like he wanted to talk to me, but here’s where weird happened. I completely did not read the situation fully consciously. In the back of my mind, I felt like he wanted to talk to me, but then it just never became a solid understanding in my head. So I kept my unapproachable aura on and as soon as I got off the plane, I made a beeline for Brian. I know that when we’re together, people who casually assess think we’re a couple because his public self is very authoritarian. And I become really serious, too. We’re like two sullen badasses. But it didn’t occur to me that I was ignoring a connection, the same way, I had no idea I had come off really standoffish to the girl at the bar, enough for her to apologize for “bothering” me. Normally I never turn down conversation or flirting but just lately, I don’t know. I feel like I’m very guarded unless people approach me in the right way.

So I’ll never find out who that guy was or what it was that he wanted to say, and he seemed very nice and harmless. Maybe I’ve gotta get better at this, reading doors that are open within the space between people. Maybe none of it matters anyway, because whatever happens will happen and you just have to let the currents take you.

Life makes me smile. Whatever happens, it will all work out.

I’m Afraid of Americans Lesbians

I just got back from seeing Rufus Wainright at Stubbs in Austin. It was an amazing show with Neko Case opening. It was general admission so Robert and I got tired of standing, so we sat down for most of the show, but Brian was in hog heaven. One thing I love about Rufus is that he has a beautiful voice and he’s so passionate when he sings. That man gives it his all. We should live every moment of our lives that way. It takes a lot of courage, but I have a feeling it’s the free-ist way to live.

Earlier today, we had met some of Robert’s friends at Whole Foods for breakfast. He has this one friend who’s really nice, and I had heard about his history before I met him–he was in his early 20’s and met a 14 year old girl, and not knowing she was underage, he slept with her. Turns out her dad found out, and unfortunately, he’s the president of the Texas bar. So they prosecute him and he gets sent to prison and now has to register as a sex offender. He can’t get any kind of business license in Texas, and is on probation for something like 10 years. It’s unfortunate, because the sex was consensual and the girl led him to believe she was 18, but it didn’t matter. The guy was a law student and now he can’t even start any kind of business, and is a convicted felon and registered sex offender.

Anyway, I joked last night that since I was in Texas, I was gonna either fuck someone or start a girlfight (anyone who knows me knows that means I’m gonna have 1 drink, eat dinner, get sleepy and be in bed by 10pm). So Robert said that when I meet his friend, he would totally fuck me. Well, I met him for the first time today and he’s a good-looking guy and intelligent, but his eyes are incredibly haunted. It was hard to see, knowing how life can just throw these decent people complete wicked curveballs out of nowhere. I guess he was interested because he asked Brian and Robert to butter me up to him when I stepped out of the room, but I wasn’t serious about wanting to sleep with anyone. Later, at the concert, Robert pulled me aside and said, “You’ve been around plenty of decent straight guys and if you wanted to fuck someone, you would have already. So maybe you should ask yourself what happened with Reggie that’s making you like this, or maybe you just want to be alone right now.” I told him, “First of all, it wasn’t Reggie that did anything to me or messed me up inside, because I would have stayed if he was the one, but I didn’t and I’m very proud of that decision. But I’m looking for someone specific, in the eyes of everyone I meet, and I just can’t find him yet, or find someone who’s willing to explore these deep connections.” He nodded, then said, “I didn’t really want to introduce you to anyone. I was trying to save you for myself.” He was joking, but he gets what I’m going through. If anyone remembers him, Robert was Brian’s friend from UT who was the underwear model/actor. He moved back to Texas, and the thing is, the guy has a very healthy attitude towards sex, but he’s a serial monogamist and at the end of the day, when he commits, he COMMITS. He said that he has no problem with the idea of marriage and committing to one person for the rest of his life, but he worries about his partner cheating on him. He knows that for all my talk and all my fluttering around, I don’t mess around in the deepest parts of me. I’ve never given my heart away, and have only opened my heart to a few people, and got burned, but stood back up and am not afraid to do it again with the right person. I’m just looking for the one person that I can say with confidence that I want to devote my heart, soul and life to. And I think right now, I’ve dedicated myself to that search. I just have to figure out what he’s going to look like in terms of his energy, because we have so many soulmates out there, so even if it’s a deep connection, you still have to choose the right soulmate.

So I had already gotten hit on earlier today at Whole Foods by Robert’s friend’s girlfriend who blurts out that I’m gorgeous and how she’s figured out my secret…that I’m beautiful (I understood what she meant, even though I didn’t exactly. I don’t hang any self-esteem whatsoever on how I look because I recognize that in 10 years, if that’s how you’ve been measuring yourself, you’re fucked. So I rarely acknowledge how I look to myself…I just try to take care of myself and have a beautiful inner being). She kind of intimidated me because all through breakfast, she kept talking about dildos and sex and shooting pornos. So when she said that, I kind of hid behind Brian like a little kid and was really self-conscious. I think I made a half-ass gemini joke like, “Just wait til you see me without clothes.” But I wasn’t comfortable.

After the concert, Brian really wanted to go to the gay bar so I went with him. The place had a healthy mix of lesbians and I saw this blond girl check me out. Well, those of you who remember my fiasco with my lesbian chiropractor know that that whole experience kind of made me nervous around blond lesbians who take an interest in me. So a few minutes later, Brian and I are standing around and I turn around and she’s right next to me. She wants to tell me that I look just like a friend of hers, and wants to know my name. So I introduce myself, doing a handshake so close to my body that I accidentally press her hand against my boob. So Brian tells her that we just came from the Rufus show, and they’re talking and I look over at her every once in a while but she’s talking to Brian so mostly I look at the decor on the ceiling. So finally she says, well, I just wanted to let you know that you look just like my friend…sorry to bother you. And leaves. As soon as she’s outside of earshot, Brian says, “Dude, you had the most petrified look on your face.” I didn’t know what he meant so he did his impression of me and from that impression, I looked pretty terrified. I don’t know. I can’t handle being hit on by girls, sober. Especially ones who look like my lesbian ex-chiro who sicced her crazy aggro wife on me because I didn’t want to be with her. Yeah, that will always be a sore spot for me, something that always makes me sad, because even though I didn’t have romantic interest in her, I really cared about her and her welfare, and she betrayed everything that was sincere that I gave her in friendship. That whole experience made me really sad.

Anyway, apparently I’m terrified of lesbians. And probably men as well. I just don’t want anyone hitting on me and to have to feel bad about turning them down, because I’ve never looked for casual. Especially now, I’m looking for something specific. Not necessarily committed leading to marriage, but something specific that can help me grow at this time. And who knows where it leads. This road is completely open.

By the way, I knew this guy once, and he and I had a strong connection (fucking Pisces…I’m like a moth to a flame…), but I always had a feeling that he was waiting for his ex, and she was the one who really owned his heart. So I heard he got married, and I looked it up and sure enough, he married her. They posted their “story” in their wedding announcement, and apparently, they had met freshman year in college and kind of vibed each other. Throughout the years, they kept running into each other and finally went out on a date. They dated for a bit, then went their separate ways. He was in LA, she was on the east coast, but they kept in touch and she ended up moving out here, and they got married. The thing was that I know he was dating plenty of people while he was in LA, but when the time was right and he was ready, they found each other.

My favorite part of that Six Feet Under finale is that Claire’s lawyer boyfriend shows up randomly, unexpectedly, at her mother’s funeral and they get married when they’re like in their 40’s. A part of me is sad because I know I’m going to marry late, and I feel sad for my parents that I’ll never bring home that promising young man full of p
otential. I don’t know if they’ll be alive to see me get married, but I know that whatever I do will be right, because I’m willing to take risks, but I’m also cautious about picking and choosing where to take risks. I always wonder, with all these connections I’ve made with people, who’s going to show up out of the blue when I’m older, and what hadn’t been right before, is suddenly right…now.

My coworker told me on Thursday that he thinks we’re going to get married. According to him, we’re going to get married to other people (he said I’m gonna marry Baron Davis), then get divorced, and one day we’ll run into each other at Starbuck’s, realize that we have a connection, and now we’re older, wiser and have gotten all of the young stuff out of our system and are ready to settle down for real. And we’re gonna get together and get married, and he’s gonna let me run around, but he won’t care and he’ll sit at home, waiting for me to come home because at that point, he’ll be done playing around, but he respects me enough to give me my freedom because he knows I’m the type who always comes home.

I’m not really attracted to him, but I thought it was interesting that he had this whole scenario in his head, especially because he’s a player. But ever since we smoked out that night and he saw the core me, the me that’s exactly the truth of who I am, he’s been looking at me differently. He’s also cleaned up since then, and is getting less player-ish and more domesticated, working out and cooking (he always brings what he cooked the night before and will come into my office with a fork cuz he wants me to try it). Well, maybe I’m making him a better man, even though I don’t see myself with him.

Whoever you are that I’m looking for, I hope I find you soon because it’s tiring to radiate this energy and I only have so much red in my closet. But if you’re someone I know already but who isn’t ready, I hope when the time is right, we find each other again. Because that’ll be the happiest moment of my life.