Back in LA

I’m back in LA and excited to sleep in my own bed. I have a huge affinity for hotels– a new space to explore, someone else picks up after you…what’s not to love?–but sometimes the beauty of living in a hotel is how much you appreciate coming home. The only thing I hate is how long it takes me to fully unpack. My room will be a mess for at least another week.

I went and checked out some 2 bedroom condos in Scottsdale, all in the $200K range. They were okay, a lot of them nicely remodeled, but my major concern the entire time was the heat. I finally came out and told my realtor that I’m concerned about global warming and the fact that in the future, Scottsdale could be hitting 130 degree weather. He said that he believes that at some point, this area will become a wasteland, but not for like 50 to 60 years. Hmmm. That’s not a vote of confidence for the area. I suddenly had an epiphany that San Diego is probably the safest bet in terms of weather long-term. Mental note…research market in San Diego. All this is just a hobby though, an exercise in mental masturbation. I really don’t have the cash flow to take on a property right now, but I like to look. It’s like how I always ask for a dessert menu when I eat alone just so I can see what they have, but I never order. Unless I have someone to share it with.

The flight was uneventful. I’m usually used to getting a late boarding pass on Southwest so I always sit in the middle, but today I got an aisle seat. I quickly remembered why I don’t like the aisle seat–when people (especially men) lean over to put their bags in the overhead compartment above you, they end up thrusting their package onto you. Depending on their height, they’re either rubbing your arm, or like the tall gentleman today, rubbing your ear.

I went directly to my Starbuck’s from the airport because our internet at home has been messed up and I wanted to do some research on Yoko Ono for a video skit that a friend is interested in. I realized I was exhausted, so I went home and took a candlelit bubble bath with Guster providing the background soundtrack, then talked to a good friend who made me feel balanced.

I did a lot of thinking this weekend. I’m not mad anymore. I just don’t want to get provoked again. I mean, I had to work through that emotion and it was difficult because my feelings were hurt, but at the end of the day, I realized it was just ego and nothing to do with my true self. Whatever happens, happens. If people don’t feel good enough being around me despite my treating them well, then I have to let them find a way to feel good enough on their own, and if it happens, find people who do feel good enough to be around me. Even though there’s sadness about all the good potential of what could have been that was never actualized, there’s no hate or bitterness. I know your intentions were good but you have a long-term relationship with fear to work through. At the end of the day, I still care about people and I can’t blame them if they weren’t ready to have me in their lives, because I know that being around me brings out truth. I was mad because I felt like I had been disrespected, that by telling me one thing and then acting out another, you were still perpetuating the confusion and not being fair to me. I was mad because I was trying to be nice and kind, and you blamed me for a lot of things that weren’t my fault at all, and you knew it. But you were still willing to give me the blame so you didn’t have to look at your side of things, which wasn’t fair to me. I was mad because you keep setting up boundaries like I’m so untrustworthy, and that really hurts my feelings. But I called because I saw you today and I don’t want it to be awkward or to feel like we have to avoid each other, especially because two of the four locations I’m always at are two at which you can often be found, and life’s too short for us to pretend like we’re angry when we’re really just uncomfortable and each a little hurt. I just don’t want that negativity between us because of things left unsaid, so let’s just not say anything until we’re ready. Like I said, let’s not kill what was a good connection, because no one has done anything horrendous to the other for us to act like there’s hate between us. Better to let it fade unfulfilled than destroy it because it was terrifying. I will smile and be kind to you when I see you next, as well as the next time, as long as you can uphold this agreement by being kind as well. And we won’t talk about anything else until we’re ready, if we ever are, or if we never are. And hopefully somewhere in between, we will honor whatever it was that brought us together. To be honest, very few people still read this blog since I was an asshole and alienated some people a while back, but I mostly wanted to say this to put it out into the universe for my own catharsis.

I’m growing and learning here, too. I know that I’ve been struggling with the universe…that I’ve been telling it that I don’t want to do this work anymore, that I want a reassignment this time because the pain when people decide to run away from the challenge takes so much out of me, that karmic connections are difficult because you invest so much and you know that chances are, people won’t have the courage to rise to the challenge. But in that off chance that someone has a breakthrough and frees themselves, then it was worth it. It’s so much easier to let fear make you fall back, than let courage push you forward, but it’s not impossible. I’ve done it. So I have hope and I have faith, and it takes a lot of inner strength to maintain these things because it’s not logical and you’re believing something you can’t see or feel. And if that hope turns to disappointment and sadness, it’s always a pain that I feel on every level that only time can heal. But it does heal, and I also recognize that the universe has taken care of me as long as I do the work by making it so I don’t really have to worry about security. I’m just struggling with faith–in the universe, and in people’s ability to truly allow themselves to be released from their self-made prisons. I realized the reason it’s important for me that people overcome their obstacles when they’re involved in a karmic relationship with me, is because I have a deep, deep spiritual love for these people and I want to see them achieve their dreams and set themselves free. By seeing that love does heal, it would affirm my faith that there is a higher power out there. My intentions are always good, and my love is always noble. However, the other side of the healer is the warrior, and I made a conscious choice to lay down my sword. But just because I’m not waving around a sword, doesn’t mean I don’t carry one, so please don’t provoke me with games that are not positive, because I can just as easily destroy as I can heal. I don’t like it when things get to that point where destruction is needed to pave the way for healing, but I recognize that sometimes, it’s the thing that is most needed. They say that people don’t always confront the things they need to confront most until they hit rock bottom. If they keep trying to build on a bad foundation, the universe will cause everything to fall so they are forced to start over and build things right. I hope this can be avoided:

In the meantime, I’m not going to struggle with anything right now. I’m not afraid to work towards things that are growing and evolving, and put in work in terms of karma so I don’t have to keep repeating lessons, but I’m not going to struggle. It’s like that first year in LA when I went through my crisis and I was terrified of moving forward, yet so afraid to let go of psychological blocks and a past that was negativ
e. I was absolutely miserable, yet still moderately successful to anyone who didn’t know me behind closed doors. Then the discovery that set me on my path–I realized that in my nightmares, if I was drowning, that I could actually breathe underwater, and that changed everything. It gave me power and the ability to affect my state, rather than let my state affect me. When you are struggling with something and hurting, you have to let yourself relax on every level and breathe…When you can do this on every level and relax on every level, basically what you are doing is allowing yourself to fully expand and be above petty energies, and completely open your energy. It’s counterintuitive…you would think that by completely opening yourself, you would become completely vulnerable to hurts, but what you’ll realize, is that when you do this, you’re actually so much bigger and stronger than the perceived threats so that they’re like tiny, ineffectual fists pounding on some distant door. That’s the way I’ve been handling things now…I refuse to struggle. And so far, good things have been happening.

My Super Slutty Vacation, Continued…

I spent some of today researching the mythology of the Phoenix and found some cool things. Like the fact that its tears are supposed to heal, and it’s supposed to regenerate when wounded, thus making it invincible. Also, in Chinese mythology, the Phoenix (Fenghuang) symbolizes femininity (the Empress) and the balance between ying and yang, and people would hang up images of the Fenghuang outside of their house to signify that people with loyalty and trustworthiness lived there.

I spent the rest of today lounging by the pool. I have to report, it was too hot for me to stay out there for very long, so I’m not significantly more tan than when I started. I’m in LA next weekend and then Hawaii the next, so hopefully I can work on that. I’ve never been one who wanted to be too dark, but my legs are almost reflective right now, so I’ve gotta at least make them presentable.

I got all dressed up and went to dinner at this place called Olive & Ivy that came highly recommended by someone at It was super pricey and just okay, though the coffee was good. This one waiter who wasn’t even my waiter talked with me for a while about having been a semi-pro basketball player in Asia (what is with me and basketball players? Oh yeah, I asked for Baron Davis and the universe is trying…), and he was trying to get off early so he could take me to a bar. I didn’t really want to go to a bar with him and be stuck talking to him the whole night, even though he was nice, so I slipped out while he was talking to the manager.

I went over to Borders and got totally engrossed in this book called, Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking. It’s about how everything you need to know about someone or a situation, your adaptive unconscious can figure out accurately within seconds. I’ve always believed this and have gotten really good about paying attention to these signals, so it was cool to read it from a scientific point of view. The first chapter is about this psychologist in Washington who has figured out an experiment where they can watch a video of a couple discussing something that’s a point of contention, and by coding reactions (ie contempt, defensiveness, anger, stonewalling, etc) almost like marital DNA, they can predict with 95% accuracy if a couple will divorce within 15 years by watching an hour’s worth of tape, and with 90% accuracy by watching for only 15 minutes. It’s all about paying attention to those red flags that we all tend to ignore. He talks about how people are in one of two states within a relationship…if they are in positive sentiment override, positive emotion will override irritability so when the spouse does something bad, they’ll excuse it in their minds or let themselves drop it. But if they’re in negative sentiment override, even if their spouse says something neutral, the partner will perceive it as negative. So in this state, people draw lasting conclusions about each other so that if their spouse does something positive, they think it’s a selfish person doing a positive thing. He says that it’s really hard to change those states and those states determine whether when one party tries to repair things, if the other party sees it as an attempted repair or hostile manipulation. He tracks a couples levels of positive and negative emotions, and by graphing them, he can basically tell if the negative will override the positive to the point where down the road, a failure in the partnership is overwhelmingly likely.

I wonder if people became conscious of these negative interactions, if they could change and save their relationship. I’m usually really conscious when I interact with people, like when they’re being defensive, or when I’m being defensive or irritable, and how it affects communication. But it takes two people to come to the table, and even if you can point these things out, if the other person won’t acknowledge it or won’t consciously work on it, the relationship (no matter what capacity it is–love, family, work, friendship, etc) is in trouble. I think any good relationship really requires consciousness and two people who trust each other to want to communicate clearly and really work hard at it when there are negative things in play. Reading that chapter, I realized that, outside of my other personality quirks and flaws, I’m a very good partner in a relationship because of how seriously I take good communication and how conscious I am about it. I’m always dedicated to making communication work and be open. I think I’m in a really good place in my life right now, and available for a very good, positive relationship with someone amazing.

Anyway, long story short, I got really engrossed in the book, so I bought it and now I’m holed up in my hotel room, blogging and reading. I’m not bummed though, because this is the stuff I like to do, and I just didn’t feel like going out to a bar, drinking and talking to strange men. Also, I don’t need to keep smoking out of boredom. This is enough of a vacation for me, to be able to relax, be alone with my thoughts, listen to music and have a change of environment.

Tomorrow I’m meeting up with a realtor to look at rental real estate in Scottsdale. I don’t know if I really wanna buy a place out here. I wonder if, with global warming, it’s going to hit like 130 degrees in a few years.

Arrival in Phoenix…er, Scottsdale

I’m currently in Scottsdale, which I hear is more fun than Phoenix because according to a random girl who overheard my conversation about this trip in SF, everything closes at 10 in Phoenix.

My hotel is amazing…very resorty with fire torches everywhere and a huge pool/lagoon surrounded by rooms. My room has a little deck so I plan to sit out there tomorrow. I can’t wait to get in a bikini and do something about the obscene paleness of my legs. Though, to be honest, I hate tan lines.

I made a decision a month ago that I’m going to get a tattoo, something that symbolizes my life purpose — To Seek Courageously. I don’t want a Chinese phrase because I want a symbol, an image that embodies this life purpose. Then I thought about getting the Phoenix tatooed on, because it symbolizes resurrection and transformation, which is another major theme of my life. I figure, when the time is right, the symbol will become clear to me. But I’m committed to getting a tattoo that symbolizes my life purpose, as I’ve discovered here in my Saturn Return.

So one thing I’m confronting in this Year of Fearless Living is my fear of flying. I still manage to get on planes, but I’m always so anxious. Now I feel like, if God wants to take me, he’ll take me and there’s nothing I can do about it. I prefer if he doesn’t take me too soon because I feel like I have a lot still to contribute to this world in terms of enlightenment, mentorship and healing, but again, your destiny is your destiny.

There was a scary moment on the plane where we went in to land, then took off again. I got scared that there was something wrong with the landing gear, but the pilot announced that there was a plane on the runway that couldn’t clear out of the way, so we would circle for a few more minutes.

Phoenix is hot. It feels like being in a warm cocoon. I arrived shortly after 8pm, so I assume the heat had actually mellowed out, so I’m a little scared of what it’s like in the daytime.

I checked into the hotel and showered, then headed out for dinner. I went to a place close to hotel (can’t remember the name of it) and let the bartender recommend what I should order. It was called the chicken, artichoke and mushroom stack (seriously, couldn’t they have found a better name?) and it was two halves of a grilled chicken breast with artichokes, mushrooms and this cream sauce in between. It was pretty damn good.

Afterwards, I went to this club that came highly recommended, Axis and Radius, but I got there around 10:30 and it was dead. The plus though, was that before 11, all drinks were $2, so I had a couple of Red Bull/vodkas. There were maybe about 20 people there when I got there which makes it really hard for me, because when I travel alone, I like to blend into the background or pretend I’m with a group. I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb. The dance floor was empty the first hour I was there, though I realized that what it takes to get a dance floor going is a group of slightly bisexual seeming Asian girls acting drunker than they actually are. Asian party girls, as Brian likes to call them. Truthfully, sometimes I’m embarrassed of those kinds of girls, because they’re so in need of male attention, it makes it so obvious that Asian dads just don’t hug their daughters enough.

Axis and Radius is actually two dance clubs that are tied together, with one playing top 40 and the other playing hip hop. I bounced around both for a while, then settled on radius for its hip hop and its large video screen showing videos. I sat down next to this big black guy who was kind of cute, and I could tell he wanted to talk to me. But you know, I don’t initiate unless I’m sure I want it, so I let him do the talking. Turns out he’s a college basketball player from Chicago, which is kind of hot. We talk and he’s kind of cool…he’s got some depth. He says I’m sexy as fuck and I ask him, well how sexy is fuck, because I’m trying to gauge how sexy I am. We dance a little and he gives me his number and really, really wants me to call him. I think, I could hook up considering I’ve got a sweet hotel room all to myself, but then I think, how am I gonna politely kick him out when we’re done? So I just tell him I gotta go because I’ve got a meeting tomorrow morning, and leave.

I go to this other club, Myst, that someone had told me has good DJ’s. It was okay, lots of gay guys. Maybe not openly gay, but let me tell you, Scottsdale has a lot of gay guys, so the pickin’s are slim. I walked around, trying to find a person to bum a smoke off of because sometimes you ask the wrong person and they act like you owe them a flirt…or more. I got one, hung out and watched the gays dance, then grabbed a slice of pizza and came home.

So far, Scottsdale has not been as impressive to me as Seattle. Seattle has a cool vibe to it, and that $12 for 12 clubs deal in Pioneer Square is hard to beat. I had to pay a $10 cover to get into Myst, and I just thought, well, I expected more. Maybe more hot, straight guys.

Something I realized. If you want something, just go get it. Don’t be embarrassed. Sometimes I think I have to uphold a certain image. I’ve noticed that men are kind of afraid of me. That once they get close to me, it’s like they can’t integrate this image of me, and this image of a girl they wanna fuck. And so guys never want to have sex with me if I show them too much of who I really am. It’s the virgin/whore thing, where they see me as someone of value, and don’t want to defile that. It’s cool, it’s sweet, but seriously, I’ve gotta learn to just take it if the other person wants it but is letting fear drive. Someone has to make it happen.

Maybe that’s my lesson right now. Assert myself. Be able to say to someone, dude, all I wanna do is fuck your brains out. So stop this bullshit spinning in your head, and get with it. My favorite kind of sex is the kind where you don’t know where one person ends and the other one begins. Where you’re so lost in the moment, your brain can no longer function. Where every single part of you–body, heart, soul–is engaged. And it’s absolutely mindblowing.
It’s gotta be with the right person though. But sometimes, the right person is afraid to act on the impulse because their brain does too much spinning. Well, sometimes you just have to be bold and demand it. I’m learning that.

I hope some day to be able to integrate this…to be able to have that kind of sexual connection within a relationship that is healthy. I have no doubt that it’s possible, but I just have to be patient because I know that there’s a smaller pool of guys that are truly compatible with me (need to be as emotionally and spiritually mature and intelligent) to light me on fire and fulfill me long term, and maybe they’re still working on stuff before they’re ready. Whoever is right for me is probably going to be older, so maybe I have to wait a few years until this guy has more years and life experience under his belt. That’s okay. I’m not settling for less than I know I need so even if it’s hard, I’m going to be patient.

I’m a very simple person. When I want something, I want it right away. I don’t want to dance, I don’t want to play games, I don’t want to guess what you’re thinking. But I’m very selective about what I want. I think when you find something you want, as unconventional as the arrangement might be, you have to demand it if it’s what you want, and then if it happens great, if the other person doesn’t agree, then…NEXT. You have to leave yourself open for something good. Be patient until the right thing comes along, but jump on it when it does. Otherwise, you risk living a life of what if’s.

I refuse to live a life of what if’s, of settling for less than I need, of regret. If I want it, I will pursue it, courageously. That is the only way to live a life fulfilled. Don’t let fear drive your life. Fear is the one thing that
keeps us from being the people we were destined to be, from getting the things we want. Don’t fear failure, don’t fear success. Don’t fear rejection, don’t fear embarrassment. Fear is an invisible threat, one that won’t kill you. Allow yourself to live freely but not recklessly. Allow yourself to deserve the things that will open your heart and make you content. Don’t waste time. Tomorrow doesn’t exist and tomorrow you may forget. Start living your life NOW.