If I could look him in the heart and say something, it would be, Rene, you can hold on to me. In fact, I have never wanted anything more in my life as much as I want you to hold on to me. But I have to let you go.

And he would know exactly what that means. And would do the right thing.

Instead of worrying about ways I could lose him, think about ways I can make him happy.

That is my key.

Have you had enough yet?

Getting there.

If I hadn’t sworn by the concept of wanting only what’s mine and if it’s right it would happen, I would have made a move. And maybe life would be different now. And not necessarily better.

I’m evolving.

The house’s moods could shift walls. We lived on a boat, tossed by moods. I had no control of anything, growing up.

From the first time I met you, I knew what I wanted.

Does he become the guy or is it another guy? I still can’t tell yet. Right now he’s almost the guy but he isn’t the guy.

I’m worried because I’ve reverted back to I/you statements instead of we. And I’m preparing myself for what it will be like when he’s with someone else, trying to numb myself to it. Is it me facing reality or a self-fulfilling prophecy? I’m not sure. I feel like I don’t know up from down these days.

If there’s something that bothers you about a person’s past, it’s probably not the past you have a problem with but something in the present.

I feel like every time things get good and he acts strange. A little more combative, a little more subversive, makes deflective jokes and I don’t know why. And then he puts it on me. Maybe he just doesn’t have a good handle on his own feelings but it affects me, and I don’t like it when he puts it on me when I react. What’s the alternative? Not react? Not communicate? It makes me resent communicating when meanwhile he’s not communicating. It feels one way. Like one hand clapping. It feels futile. Then when I stop communicating because I feel like I’m way out there by myself, we have a problem. The script gets flipped, it makes me feel like I’m in a vulnerable place alone, and then it’s my problem.  He asks me not to test the relationship but he doesn’t see he tests it, too.  I’m really sad today. I think what I really need is something stable and consistent. Then again, I know that. I’ve been saying that all along, haven’t I?

I’m tired of things. I’m tired of silence. I would rather have silence for a reason, than a person next to me who makes me feel lonely.

I don’t know. If you’re gonna stay, stay. If you’re gonna go, go. You can’t count on other people to know themselves if they don’t. You can only know you.

Homogenius isn’t a word. It’s a state of being. It’s a rite of passage.

soft breath on shoulder blade like gentle lull of ocean

Being special isn’t something you work at, it’s what you are. Therefore you don’t need to work at becoming special, you just have to remember that you are. It’s much easier.

Anything you can’t make an excuse for…takes priority.

I need a lot of support. The men in my life, the army, need to know I will be protected and not be pulled down.

If I could find a way to see this straight I’d run away…to some fortune that I-I…should have found…by now…

Brother Will told you. Men mature later. Give him time.

“You may never get over how mad you’re gonna be with me.”