today was an ending but a nice one. it feels like i can finally breathe.
it was a whirlwind september. i guess i’ve been so routine and complacent i forgot to keep an eye on september, and was caught off guard.
the last month has been weird starting with 9\/6\/2019 a 999 day. sarah emerged asking about paper lanterns. lots of discussions about the moon and meaning.
i would say the thing that hurt the most this month was donating $600 to my teammate when she was in the hospital. i did it so she wouldn’t stress about her fundraising quota. then 2 days later, i forgot my jersey which means the team would have to do a penalty (usually like 20 pushups or running), and she of all people basically said, you better go home and get it because i ain’t running for you.
it really hurt my feelings. but then in hindsight, i realized i shouldn’t have done it. probably all of it, checking up on her, etc. i think sometimes i think i have a responsibility to be kind to people or do things for people, but it’s not necessarily appreciated or maybe even wanted. i think maybe i feel like i need to pay the universe back for all those times i was lost or hurting, and someone helped me, or spent time on me. but i don’t know that i really make a difference, and also i realize it creates imbalances in my life. i think i need to live by this rule:
don’t give to anyone who doesn’t give anything back. doesn’t matter if they can’t or won’t, if you do it will create an imbalance and you will suffer.
the other thing i really need to contemplate is the idea of loyalty. i’m so fucking loyal but sometimes i don’t know to what and why. where did i get this concept from? was it because my upbringing was so traumatic i learned that no matter how fucked up things are, family is family and you stick with them? but i never updated the code to, loyalty to only those who deserve it? i feel like whenever i get on a team, whether work, basketball or socially, i’m all in. i just assume that’s what you do when you’re a crew. but i always end up finding out that not everyone feels the same. in fact i’ve been stabbed in the back (and in the face) several times by my teammates or people i thought were my friends. so if it happens so much, i’m as much to blame because i’m either not setting the right boundaries and expectations in my relationship, or i’m attracting the wrong people (or not kicking out the people who are wrong).
so in that way, this month has been eye opening, heartbreaking at times, but good. to recap:
1. no more giving to anyone who doesn’t give back.
2. take care of myself. stay in my lane. let other people worry for themselves and take care of themselves. the only one i’m responsible for taking care of are my son and me. and the cats.
3. focus on what matters.
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