Great article find by Rebecca (not sure from where so I’ll cite when I know). My take on guys with major issues…if you’ve got the time and energy and really have nothing (or no one) better to do, pursue at your own risk because there’s always one in a 1000 that ends up letting go of their crap. But know going in that you should maintain very strong boundaries, and do not, do not, do not give away your heart. Even if your pet project is that one in a 1000 that gets fixed, he’ll always know you’ve seen him at his worst so chances are, you won’t get to keep him anyway.<\/p>\n
******<\/p>\n
Repeat this to yourself one thousand times:
Screwed-up people are not more interesting than people with their heads together. Baggage is not fascinating, romantic, or exciting. It is very, very tiring. Men who are polite and emotionally mature are hot. Learn it, love it, live by it.<\/p>\n
Linda
I have no idea whom to blame for the romantic mythology surrounding brooding, emotionally limited, narcissistic yahoos. I\u2019m tempted to chalk it up to movies, where most men who start out as selfish jerks are eventually revealed to be wounded birds of some sort. Or it might be the uglier side of the therapy culture, which tempts you with the idea that these jerks might be amenable to solution, like crossword puzzles.<\/p>\n
For whatever reason, there are a surprising number of women who are attracted to guys who can\u2019t commit, who can\u2019t relate, who can\u2019t get along with anyone, who can\u2019t tell the truth\u2026 these guys get a lot of action.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s not that women really want jerks, exactly. I think it\u2019s a matter of mistaking emotional clutter for emotional complexity. Here\u2019s an analogy: Imagine a messy apartment. You walk in, you survey your surroundings, and there\u2019s an incredible quantity of stuff lying around. Books in tall stacks, Chinese food containers in the corners, DVDs in and out of boxes scattered around the TV\u2026 the place is in chaos. And while you wouldn\u2019t really want to live there, there might be some part of you that would look around and grudgingly admit, \u201cThere\u2019s a lot going on here.\u201d Now, imagine the same apartment, once somebody has managed to get it cleaned up. The books are on the shelves, the trash is thrown away, the DVDs are alphabetized. This is a much nicer place to live. But it\u2019s a little\u2026 you know, boring. And that\u2019s in spite of the fact that the same books are being read, the same food is being eaten, and the same DVDs are being watched. You\u2019re just in the presence of a person who knows how to clean up after himself.<\/p>\n
I think that for a lot of women, guys in turmoil seem strangely fascinating, as if they are, by definition, more interesting than everyone else. There\u2019s more of that clutter, so there\u2019s more going on, and there\u2019s more to sink your teeth into, and there\u2019s maybe even more emotional depth to such a person.<\/p>\n
Let me tell you something about the guys I know who are emotionally mature. The ranks of the healthy and rational include plenty of guys who have been in rehab, or been divorced, or seen their parents\u2019 marriages end horribly, or had their own dreams thwarted in some ugly way\u2014all the things that creeps are fond of waving around as explanations for why they lie or cheat on you or generally continue to be creeps.<\/p>\n
The difference is that the healthy and rational people have at least undertaken the process of digesting all of that stuff and placing it in some sort of perspective so that it doesn\u2019t have to become your problem. They know from suffering, just as much as the ones who sit around brooding into their beers and writing free verse and dragging everyone else into their little theater of agony. The sane ones are still working on their crap, too\u2014who isn\u2019t? The difference is that they\u2019re not fetishizing their own misery or asking you to embrace it. And that\u2019s a benefit to you, because the only thing you can guarantee yourself about that kind of hair-pulling drama is that if you cuddle up next to it, it\u2019ll get on you.<\/p>\n
You\u2019re going to get plenty of emotional complications from anyone. Even people who have their lives very well pulled together are going to give you lots of opportunities to practice patience and understanding. There\u2019s no point in starting out with someone who isn\u2019t even trying.<\/p>\n
Evan
According to Linda, many intelligent women prefer men with emotional complexities, even if it means that he can be verbally abusive, inaccessible, and generally loonier than Courtney Love on a bender. Now, I can\u2019t speak for all men, but while I may have tolerated similar behavior, I can\u2019t say I\u2019ve ever preferred it. Any time I found myself dating a woman who was an emotional roller-coaster, the only reasons I stuck with her were because a) I was lonely and her presence in my life helped to fill a void or b) I was getting the best sex of my life. Lame, but true.<\/p>\n
Put another way: Could you ever picture a man saying out loud, \u201cThere\u2019s something that\u2019s just so mysterious about her. Sometimes I look in her eyes and I feel like she totally understands me, and other times, I have no idea what she\u2019s thinking. She runs really hot and cold but I can\u2019t get enough of her. I think I\u2019m going to stick around until I can crack her shell. One day she\u2019ll learn to be more emotionally available and loving.\u201d Tolerance for female ambivalence is not a stereotypically male attribute.<\/p>\n
This isn\u2019t at all to castigate women, as much as it is to acknowledge that women see more nuance in every scenario, so it\u2019s no surprise that they give undeserving men the benefit of the doubt. But what for? Hasn\u2019t every woman since the beginning of time had a thing for jerks and realized at some point that jerks were always going to be jerks?<\/p>\n
I was the nice guy in high school who enjoyed being friends with cute girls who wouldn\u2019t go out with me in a million years. I figured, \u201cIf that\u2019s as close as I can get, I\u2019ll take it. Maybe one day they\u2019ll realize what I\u2019m worth.\u201d I would listen to boy problems galore \u2014 essentially, nice girls being treated badly by jerks \u2014 and not once did any of these girls ever say: \u201cHmm, Evan\u2019s a great guy with a really kick-ass mullet. I\u2019ll bet he\u2019d be a wonderful boyfriend.\u201d<\/p>\n
But it\u2019s not simply the rejection of the nice guy that\u2019s keeping so many women single. It\u2019s the acceptance of the screwed-up guy. Because screwed-up guys draw screwed-up women into a whole Misery Loves Company episode of Love Connection\u2014where both parties are brought together not by the audience but by their insecurities and inadequacies.<\/p>\n
All that \u201cYou can\u2019t love anyone until you love yourself\u201d stuff? So true. And if you\u2019re choosing to date guys with major issues, you\u2019re just as guilty as he is. Yes, everybody\u2019s got issues, but not necessarily deal-breaker-type issues. Which is why women often say they\u2019re seeking men who can fit their baggage in a carry-on. Unfortunately, there are lot of men who try to sneak a 75-pound trunk onto the plane and protest that it has wheels so it\u2019s technically a carry-on. Women with issues are the ones who choose these guys.<\/p>\n
Women who have their act together simply don\u2019t have the patience. Admittedly, there are a few people who probably enjoy the histrionics and the moods and the make-up sex that come with dating drama kings and queens. But I\u2019d bet that most are just willing to tolerate the drama, because, thus far, that drama comes attached to the \u201cbest\u201d person they could find. Essentially, they\u2019re saying, \u201cYeah, he\u2019s inconsistent, selfish, and distant, but he\u2019s all mine.\u201d Just realize that every second you\u2019re spending with the wrong guy is a second that you\u2019re not out looking for the right one \u2014 the guy who gives, the guy who listens, the guy who learns.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Great article find by Rebecca (not sure from where so I’ll cite when I know). My take on guys with major issues…if you’ve got the time and energy and really have nothing (or no one) better to do, pursue at your own risk because there’s always one in a 1000 that ends up letting go […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[],"tags":[53],"class_list":["post-1179","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-wisdom"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/sbl5mn-1179","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1179","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1179"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1179\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1179"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1179"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1179"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}