so i haven’t given out brian’s assessment of my cruise trip. this monologue happened my first night back in la. if you should feel at all offended in anyway, please remember that: 1. it’s brian; 2. so you know he was probably drunk; 3. he’s from texas. he can’t help himself.<\/p>\n
[brian, glass of white wine in hand, after hearing a short synopsis of the story]:<\/p>\n
the first thing i want to say is that you and “crazy shit” need to be on a break, like ross & rachel style. you’re ross and “crazy shit” is rachel, and you guys are on a break.<\/p>\n
what the hell are you doing meeting people on a cruise? of course you guys connected. that’s all they do. guys who work on cruises only have to pay attention to one bitch for a week at a time. how convenient<\/em> is that? so any dude who works on a cruise is basically like, i’m gonna work <\/em>the high-seas pussy [he circles his hand like he’s buffing a car]…while i’m killin’ <\/em>the land-based pussy[lifts a shotgun and fires]… i’m watching the real world <\/em>right now, and those kids are working at a resort in cancun. you get a bunch of young, hot dudes <\/em>working at a resort…they’re basically mailing that pussy in for them to hit. you know what those guys are? they’re swimming in pussy. up to their fucking ears <\/em>in pussy. they’re getting it mailed in, and they fuck it and return to sender.<\/p>\n and this is the last thing i’m gonna say before i pass the fuck out.<\/p>\n 1. italian. really? they’re womanizers<\/em>. it’s like in their blood. [he points a finger and wags it at me, then staggers away]<\/p>\n *this performance brought to you by the state of texas.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" so i haven’t given out brian’s assessment of my cruise trip. this monologue happened my first night back in la. if you should feel at all offended in anyway, please remember that: 1. it’s brian; 2. so you know he was probably drunk; 3. he’s from texas. he can’t help himself. [brian, glass of white […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2042","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/sbl5mn-2042","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2042","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2042"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2042\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2042"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2042"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2042"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
2. cruise dude. you met on a cruise. that is not okay.
3. he works <\/em>on the cruise. you know<\/em> how i feel about dating the help. i will make a rare exception for an exceptionally hot bartender, but julia…no.<\/p>\n