{"id":32,"date":"2003-05-02T22:06:00","date_gmt":"2003-05-03T05:06:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/blog\/?p=32"},"modified":"2003-05-02T22:06:00","modified_gmt":"2003-05-03T05:06:00","slug":"32","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/?p=32","title":{"rendered":""},"content":{"rendered":"

How is it that I can feel lonelier when I’m around people, to the point that the only way that I can feel better is to go off and be alone?<\/p>\n

I was in such a funk today. I woke up and felt so lonely. The world suddenly felt so big, and somehow, made me feel hollow and empty. Like I was raining on the inside. I’m wondering if I expect too much from the world and that no matter what, my existence will always involve disappointment. In a way, I feel like I’m emotionally high-maintenance but I don’t know if there are people out there in the world who can give me all the affection and care that I need. I’m such a disgusting puppy. Sometimes I wonder if everyone feels this way but just doesn’t admit it. Yes, I have cried myself to sleep in the past. There. I admitted it.<\/p>\n

I sent out an email to Maryland Brian, the guy I was in love with in college but could not get it together for. A part of me has never let him go because he’s such a good guy. He’s married now. But I think I still hang on to it because I cared about him then completely went out of my way to destroy it. It doesn’t matter whether there was anything there, if it would have worked, etc. I don’t want anything romantic with him; I just have good associations with him because he’s such an upstanding guy. The biggest thing is that I think I still feel horrified about what I will do to keep something from working. Something that might feel good to me. For someone who understands people so well objectively, I have some serious issues about relating to people.<\/p>\n

I’ve realized that I can’t deal with disappointment. I HATE<\/b> it when people say they’ll do something or go somewhere with me, and then I get my hopes up, but then they cancel for no good reason (ie they didn’t feel like going anymore). I get so hurt and angry because it was stupid of me to get my hopes up and I feel like people really don’t care about me. You have to realize that I don’t talk about these things to anyone so most people probably don’t realize what a big baby I am. But it hurts and I never tell people because I’m embarrassed about it and I think it’s disgusting and needy. And then I don’t want them to realize that these things can hurt me, or that I care. Then I decide that I don’t want to be around people anymore because it only leads to disappointment. And I go about withdrawing like crazy. What the fuck is wrong with me.<\/p>\n

I think I need to be alone for a little while. I know this is part of my reject-others-so-they’ll-reject-you-and-you’ll-never-get-hurt-again thing, but right now, I just need to be alone.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

How is it that I can feel lonelier when I’m around people, to the point that the only way that I can feel better is to go off and be alone? I was in such a funk today. I woke up and felt so lonely. The world suddenly felt so big, and somehow, made me […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-32","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/sbl5mn-32","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=32"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=32"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=32"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=32"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}