{"id":646,"date":"2004-12-16T23:33:00","date_gmt":"2004-12-17T06:33:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/blog\/?p=646"},"modified":"2004-12-16T23:33:00","modified_gmt":"2004-12-17T06:33:00","slug":"646","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/?p=646","title":{"rendered":""},"content":{"rendered":"

The Things I Say, Translated<\/strong><\/p>\n

Words<\/strong>
<\/strong>
Lurve<\/strong> – the act of being so in love as to not see the fact that the object of your blind infatuation is uglier than you realize, a complete jerk, or is actually using you to get to your money, best friend, sister, brother, passport, etc.
Dingobat<\/strong> – a fat, curved penis, like a crooked salami
Pisser <\/strong>– an unfortunate event
Fucktard<\/strong> – men who are idiotic beyond words
Dooode<\/strong> – I’m sorry, my mind wandered and I missed everything you said in the last half hour. But by the look on your face, I feel like you’re expecting me to be either mutually disgusted or supportively empathetic so I’ll make a non-committal sound that could be interpreted as one or the other, or even both.
Wow.<\/strong> – I’m sorry, my mind wandered and I missed everything you said in the last half hour. But I’m not even going to pretend that I was listening.
Guh<\/strong> – whatever<\/p>\n

Phrases<\/strong>
<\/strong>
Punkass Bitch<\/strong> – ex boyfriend
Dumb Ho<\/strong> – a young woman in a Civic or some other economically priced compact car who cuts me off in traffic
Tricky Bitch<\/strong> – an older woman in a luxury car who cuts me off in traffic because she was doing her makeup in the mirror
Fucking Cunt<\/strong> – an older woman talking on a cellphone driving a luxury car who cuts me off in traffic, but flips me off when I honk at her
Ho Bag <\/strong>– a sleazy girl who lures other people’s boyfriends away with the promise of anal
God’s Natural Goods <\/strong>– pot
Monkey Torture <\/strong>– psychologically mindfucking someone
Vagina Music<\/strong> – chick music (ie Sarah MacLachlan, et al)
Cock Rock <\/strong>– boy music (ie Bon Jovi, et al)<\/p>\n

Lines<\/strong><\/p>\n

Yawannabuyamonkey? <\/strong>– Haha, great story, now go away.
Shut the fuck up <\/strong>– Whoa.
Thank you for calling CSSN <\/strong>– I don’t care if you’re a customer. I’m fucking playing minesweeper here.
Bitch please<\/strong> – Giiiiirl…
Giiiiirl…<\/strong> – Wow.
Wow. <\/strong>– I’m sorry. I wasn’t listening.
My weekend was mellow <\/strong>– I ended up at the sex club again.
How was yours? <\/strong>– Please don’t ask me what happened.
I have to go now. <\/strong>– I ended up on stage, chained to a pole butt naked as a guy wearing a kilt named Georgie Boy spanked me silly.<\/p>\n

I’m not gay <\/strong>– I played softball.
No seriously, I’m not gay <\/strong>– I played softball.
Why are you looking at me that way? I’m not gay! <\/strong>– I’m terrified of lesbians
Not that I have anything against them <\/strong>– because they can kick my ass.
I have lots of friends who are lesbians <\/strong>– I knew one girl in high school, but she used to wholely kick my ass.
And it’s all cool with me, but I’m not gay <\/strong>– I played softball.<\/p>\n

Wait a Minute… <\/strong>– And suddenly I realized, I think I may have gotten into another bad situation involving a dirty old man again.
So I was like, I’m outta here<\/strong> – But I still gave him my number.
I was totally grossed out<\/strong> – we made out in the backseat of his Cadillac.
I hope I never run into him again <\/strong>– I think I’m carrying his love child.
Why do these weird things always happen to me? <\/strong>– please…stage…INTERVENTION.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Things I Say, Translated WordsLurve – the act of being so in love as to not see the fact that the object of your blind infatuation is uglier than you realize, a complete jerk, or is actually using you to get to your money, best friend, sister, brother, passport, etc.Dingobat – a fat, curved […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-646","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/sbl5mn-646","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/646","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=646"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/646\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=646"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=646"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=646"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}