I’m kind of bummed because I have a thing for this guy who plays basketball at the gym, and rarely do I have a thing for someone and go out of my way. Ever since Seattle and the whole wanting only what’s mine thing, I’ve been cautious about not wasting my time, not feeling obligated spending time with people if I’m not feeling it. That’s caused more people than ever to approach me, and it’s funny because something about that, the unattainability, makes guys try harder. But end of the day, I just don’t have patience for it anymore. I want my partner. I want someone I can see myself having kids with, having a future with.<\/p>\n
Otherwise I’m just gonna make a shitload of money, buy a mansion on a hill and live like Bruce Wayne.<\/p>\n
So I like this guy–I can tell a lot about a person from the way he plays basketball and this guy works hard, is a great teammate, and is a very generous and positive person because like me, he’s always vocally encouraging on the court. Dark hair, neat beard, hazel eyes…something both masculine and gentle about him…he just does it for me. I really like him.<\/p>\n
Except he’s just not that into me.<\/p>\n
And I’m bummed.<\/p>\n
I figured he had a girlfriend because something about him seems unavailable. I remember he left early once because he said he had to go pick someone up, and so I assumed it was a girlfriend or a kid. But it was funny because I had a feeling, so I went on match.com on a hunch, and found his profile. Said he just moved here from Pittsburgh for work and was new to the area.<\/p>\n
I have a profile that’s hidden from using it on and off over the years, but the truth is outside of meeting up with people in my early 20’s when I first moved to LA, I’ve never been interested enough in anyone who’s contacted me on that site to do anything about it, so I don’t have a paying membership. I signed up just to be able to contact him, saying I just moved here, too, and if he was ever interested in a friend to meet up for coffee with, etc. He didn’t respond.<\/p>\n
I saw him at the gym yesterday, the first time since writing him, but we were playing on different courts. On some level he was aware of me–from the opposite end of the gym, he was mirroring me. But I pretended I didn’t notice him, respecting his space. If he wanted to talk to me, he would.<\/p>\n
I played\u00a0a few games and was cooling down by shooting around. I found myself watching his game. He missed a shot\u00a0and he got frustrated. I put believe into him, wanting him to embody the strength I saw him to have. He ended up disrupting the play on the defensive end, rebounded the ball in traffic, then hit a 3. I was so happy at what happened that I broke out in a huge smile. I felt radiant, laughing inside. As he ran back after hitting the 3, he happened to look up, saw me grinning, and looked almost surprised. He smiled a genuine, happy smile and said, “Oh hey!” and waved.\u00a0It was a great feeling, to connect in that moment. And\u00a0a part of me was happy that in his feel-good moment, he had looked over and seen me in my\u00a0moment, so that he would associate his happiness with my smile.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
I left while he was still in his game.<\/p>\n
I wish I had as much confidence in myself in personal matters as I do in professional. I go into every customer meeting so passionate. But here…I want the guy to want me. I want a guy to help me break down my walls. But I haven’t found that guy. I want someone who can see how invested I can be in their success and their feeling good about themselves, and appreciate that.<\/p>\n
It’s even more frustrating because lately I’ve been so popular and meeting so many guys who are interested in me, but when it comes to the ones I’m interested in, I feel powerless.<\/p>\n
In the rare moments when I meet a guy I want, I want him to want me back.<\/p>\n
It’s so simple. But it feels like I’m consistently being denied.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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