Don’t want to think about it
\nDon’t want to talk about it
\nI’m so sick about it<\/p>\n
I’m done. It’s a good thing.<\/p>\n
Bad dreams to end ambiguous feelings.<\/p>\n
Really fucked up dream last night. I was some kind of evil psychopath and I had a girl coming to visit me and for whatever reason I decided I was going to torture her. She got here and I acted like we were friends but I drugged her drink so she passed out. Then I bound and gagged her and threw her in the back of a van while I went out prowling bars.<\/p>\n
It was weird because it was me–my brain, but I was evil. I walked around the streets of Santa Monica, smug that little did people know I had this poor girl tied up in my car. I think I must have had her in there for a couple of days because I remember thinking she’s probably terrified and wet\/shit herself by now, and it gave me a very complex feeling of both sadistic pleasure and guilt. And rage at her for ever trusting me.<\/p>\n
I remember I was walking on the Promenade when I saw Nick from the gym except he was bald. I know he’s not into me, and I could have sworn he saw me then got up to leave because he didn’t want to talk to me.<\/p>\n
I think around then it dawned on me what I’d done, that I would either have to kill her or go to prison. What was I gonna say? Just kidding? I think I knew it was a dream because I said to myself, you better end this world but I wanted to get her first so I went back to the car. I remember the smell of vomit and she was scared and more happy to see me than realizing I was the one that did this to her. I felt like a monster. Then I woke up.<\/p>\n
I know that they say in some interpretations, every character in a dream represents an aspect of you. In this one, I was a sadistic monster and a naively trusting victim. Maybe I’m angry at the part of me that has held on to something I shouldn’t have for too long. Or maybe my unrequited feelings for someone unobtainable is the monster, the way I’ve kept my insides trapped from actually interacting with the world.<\/p>\n
I don’t know. It was hard for me to get up today. I felt dirty from the world I’d walked in, the skin I’d lived in. I went through the day with no feelings. A heart of cement.<\/p>\n
Today, I felt nothing.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Don’t want to think about it Don’t want to talk about it I’m so sick about it I’m done. It’s a good thing. Bad dreams to end ambiguous feelings. Really fucked up dream last night. I was some kind of evil psychopath and I had a girl coming to visit me and for whatever reason […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7669","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/sbl5mn-7669","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7669","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7669"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7669\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7669"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7669"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7669"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}