A lot of pressure this week. It never stops. My first emotion waking up in the morning before total consciousness is a cold anxiety, that the reality I wake up to will contain a loss. <\/p>\n
The other night I dreamed that I was back in Amsterdam. There were two little American girls there, maybe 13 and 11, and so I was giving them a tour. I realized something was different and it dawned on me they’d closed the coffee shops. I was sad. I was trying to show them this one place where I’d spent a lot of time thinking and writing, but it was now a middle-eastern bazaar. I wanted to show them a place where I had felt inspired.<\/p>\n
I wish I could project the ideas and images inside me artistically. I can’t translate myself spatially. If I were to depict myself, it would be as a black knight, tearing it up in battle, a faceless, vicious, force of nature of near mythical proportions with a swift and merciless sword. Equally loved, revered, respected and feared, I have believers and I have enemies. I am bigger than I am.<\/p>\n
But behind the scenes, when I withdraw and take off my armor and mask, I’m innocence. Vulnerable. Just a kid. I don’t understand this fury inside of me. People would be horrified to know what I really am, how vulnerable, particularly the ones who’ve tried to kill me. Or maybe the fact they don’t know is the only thing saving me. My spirit is a beast, my courage ignited by passion. But when I am alone, I am so quiet. My greatest despair…who can watch over me while I sleep.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
A lot of pressure this week. It never stops. My first emotion waking up in the morning before total consciousness is a cold anxiety, that the reality I wake up to will contain a loss. The other night I dreamed that I was back in Amsterdam. There were two little American girls there, maybe 13 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7956","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/sbl5mn-7956","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7956","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7956"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7956\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7957,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7956\/revisions\/7957"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7956"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7956"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7956"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}