I’m losing control. Coming off the rails. Shit.<\/p>\n
I know I need sleep really, really badly. Can’t seem to get it though. Even my dream world is fractured.<\/p>\n
I dreamed the other night that I realized I had a fish tank but I’d forgotten about it for like 8 months. When I found it it was really dirty but the fish were still alive. I fed them more than I should, and I wondered if overeating after not eating in so long would end up killing them.<\/p>\n
Then I saw that there were skeletons, so I had<\/em> neglected some of them to death, and Peyote, my turtle who I’d released negligently into the wild a long time ago was there. He was huge. He climbed out of the aquarium and he had all this moss or something all over him. I felt his skin and he was feverishly warm, which freaked me out because a turtle should not have warm skin. I put him under running water trying to cool him down, and the whole time I was thinking, I caused this. I killed all of them.<\/p>\n This dream really bugged me, especially because I suspected the turtle was my mother, and I worry I’m going to stress her out or give her a heart attack with the way we argue. But we’ve been good lately. Only had 1 argument the last few weeks.<\/p>\n The next day, I was driving around and decided to go to Mountain View and find a place to read. I was walking back to my car when I saw a store that sold tropical fish. I thought it was weird that I would be in front of a fish store when I’d had that dream the night before, so I walked in, took a look around, spent some time staring at the turtle, didn’t find any answers, then left.<\/p>\n Today, my mom and I had a massive argument and that always makes me feel like shit. I guess the dream was a precursor to the weekend. I wonder what’s wrong with me. She says stop caring so much and I can’t. If I did, I wouldn’t even come in anymore. I just feel like everything is a lose-lose. I can’t put myself anywhere.\u00a0 Stay and I feel like one day she’ll be gone and all I’ll have are these awful moments of guilt over these conflicts. Go and I abandon my team. That’s why my mind goes to such extremes to think the only way I can get out is with a drastic action.<\/p>\n Now I’m feeling the way I felt in my dream when I realized I was killing things with my inability to take care of things. I just feel pretty worthless, and all I can think of is wanting to be alone somewhere and not have to deal with people. Sometimes I feel like I live in a sort of purgatory–people like me, but they don’t want me in their lives. And in confident moments I don’t care, but in vulnerable moments, I wonder what the fuck I’m doing here.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I’m losing control. Coming off the rails. Shit. I know I need sleep really, really badly. Can’t seem to get it though. Even my dream world is fractured. I dreamed the other night that I realized I had a fish tank but I’d forgotten about it for like 8 months. When I found it it […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7985","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/sbl5mn-7985","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7985","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7985"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7985\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7998,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7985\/revisions\/7998"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7985"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7985"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/juliashih.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7985"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}