Echo

It’s Official! I’m In Rehab…

Today was my first appointment for rehab at the physical therapy place. This place caters to a lot of Olympians and professional athletes (such as Pete Sampras and Kobe Bryant), so you can bet my eyes were open for big black men. After my initial evaluation, my physical therapist told me that we would work on decreasing the pain first and then move on to rehab in the pool in a couple of weeks. All I have to say is, Pete and Kobe had BETTER not have peed in the pool…

The Life of a Compulsive Liar

Brian and I had lunch today at a snooty little hotspot in WeHo. I got the number while Brian parked. Either the wait was shorter than expected, or Brian took a really long time getting there, because after a bit, they asked me if my entire party was here. I said yes, but the host kind of looked at me standing there by myself and then went down the list and gave my table to someone else. A few minutes later, they asked me again if my entire party was here. I said, no, but I just wanted to have coffee while I wait. They went ahead and called a different person’s name. A few minutes later, they asked me again if my entire party was there. I mean, seriously…my entire party is TWO people. You can freakin’ seat me as if you were seating for one. So I went up to the host and told him, “LISTEN. My party will be here in a few minutes but I really need to sit and have some coffee and have some ME time before I’m ready to deal with my partner, okay??” And they promptly sat me.

What the f–Partner??? In a fit of irritation, I managed to spontaneously become a whole imaginary character whose back story was that she was this chick in a bad mood because her lesbian lover was going through another craving of drama and she just needed some quiet time before she dealt with the crazy bitch. And somehow, I had spontaneously calculated that a PMSing (possibly violent) lesbian act would get me a table.

I’m a little afraid of myself right now.

(must use powers for good…)

Tonight’s Episode Brought to You by the Word, “Lesbian”

“Lesbians are like buffalo. They move in herds, and it takes more than one bullet to bring one down.”

-Brian

Top 5 things that weaken my claim of being straight:

1. I played softball
2. I want Ellen DeGeneres to be my best friend
3. I have a Xena magnet on my fridge
4. I always said that if I became a stripper, I would work it to the Garbage song, “Queer.”
5. This picture…

#1 Sign that I’m NOT Gay

When asked, “Julia…do you kiss girls?” by a girl in a dark bedroom one drunken night, I laughed and said no, thinking, “What a silly question!” I reacted as if she had asked me, “Do you own a rocket ship?” Not realizing until much, much later, with the help of a very patient friend, that that question was actually a proposition.

Getting your heart broken is like an exercise that builds up your soul. Each time you manage to find the courage to rise again after emotional collapse, your ability to love in the face of fears gets stronger and stronger. It’s a necessary thing. Each time, you’re tested to see if not being able to hold onto something precious will destroy you. And each time that you are able to stand up, you gain further proof for your faith that love is the source of all strength.

Brian is “not upset” but upset at the fact that at the Rock the Vote party last night, I gave the roommate of someone he works with in the industry my phone number so that he could call me and try to talk me into having a threesome. He believes this behavior was socially inappropriate.

We were at a party where Pauly Shore was standing next to us saying “…just pop some Viagra and you’ll have a great time,” Ryan Seacrest and his enormously tiny head was the big “celebrity draw,” and the hot topic of mass simultaneous conversations was whose asses each and every different person would consider grabbing…and somehow, MY behavior stood out as socially inappropriate.

One word:

Bitch please.

(Is it bad that I treat life like a joke sometimes and just do things for the sake of the funny stories they’d make?)

Beautiful Memories Of…

Today my outdoorsy coworker was wearing a shirt with some adventure-whatever emblem on it. Like one of those shirts you earn for joining mountain-climbing competitions or something. So I asked him, “Did you earn your shirt?” And my black coworker Eddie said, “What’d you say?” All offended. And then he said, “Oooooh. I thought you were saying, ‘Did you IRON your shirt. But were trying to be black.” (iron becoming “earn” like scared becomes “scurred.”)

Threesome, anyone?

Is it bad that I want to upend my desk and start smacking people today? I’ve been really irritable at work all week. Just people being stupid and saying the wrong things and then asking me why I did exactly what they told me to do. If you want something “today,” then you probably shouldn’t keep using the word “tomorrow?” Just a thought?

I have had over 6 conversations about threesomes in the last two weeks.

1. Asked Colin and Martin to have a threesome with me.
2. Coworker explained his marriage arrangement: His wife can’t sleep with other men. But she can sleep with other women. And she can watch him sleep with other women, or they arrange to have threesomes and she gets to pick the girl.
3. The subject came up in a conversation with a friend. I said I wouldn’t have a threesome with another girl. I’m too sexually possessive. But maybe with two guys.
4. Days later, admitted to almost having a threesome in Seattle. (Oh, the details I leave out of my blog sometimes!)
5. A day later, the subject came up again with previous friend. In conversation, joked…okay, maybe I’d have a threesome if she was the other girl. (Prayed this subject never comes up again).
6. Hours later, met a guy at a party. Asked him, “So what’s your deal? Are you single or what?” He said he wasn’t single but his girlfriend was bi. He asked for my number. I asked, what for? You looking for a threesome? He said yes. I said, I’m not into that. He said, well, give me your number anyway, in case things don’t work out with her. (Ew)

So this is how the eclipse on Oct 13th affected THIS gemini. Apparently we swing between being asexual and bi. Or multi-amorous. Yeah, more is better.

Look at how special I am!

http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/science/10/14/asexual.study/index.html

I just got some deep green, 500 count Sateen sheets for my bed (California King). They’re soooo soft. I’m totally ready to hibernate.

October 13th. Good luck everyone….

If it doesn’t get you, watch out for October 25-26th.

From Newsweek:

“I don’t like flings. I also don’t believe in marrying more than one woman at a time.”

-Kamaruddin Mohammed, 72, of Malaysia, in an interview with the New Strait Times newspaper. He has married 53 times since 1957, and recently remarried his first wife.

(Seriously. Here’s an example of marriage as a technicality. Why can’t we just admit that relationships and partnerships come in many different shapes and forms and arrangements and just let people do what they want with their own lives? This guy is making a joke out of marriage. And meanwhile, same-sex marriages still aren’t legally recognized? Fuck you guys).

Good Reading

Excerpts from Phil Jackson’s upcoming book. I like how his mind works.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2004/basketball/nba/10/12/jackson/index.html?cnn=yes

Just because I had two glasses of wine at dinner and asked Colin and Martin to have a threesome with me, doesn’t make me a drunk ho.

Listen Up Kids! This is how ADULTS play with their new toys…

So I’ve been on a mission in the last few weeks to replace the light switches in my place with dimmers because the lighting (as Brian puts it) is “fuckin’ surgical.” I went out and bought a bunch of dimmers from a lighting supplier, and after somewhat of an ordeal, we finally installed them today. We celebrated by spending time in my bedroom, giddily playing with the dimmer, trying to figure out the perfect position of the switch for optimal Sex Lighting. With gradations, of course, for the variations (more light if there is a video camera running, less light if you’re feeling fat).

10/7 Recap

I have a NEEDLE in my butt cheek.


Today’s mood: I think it’s time to cheer up. I’ve been spending too much time, staring at the moon.

I’ve Got Doctor’s Orders to Stimulate Myself!

I went to my chiro today and we’re running out of treatment options for my back. So she says:

“I’m going to put something called an Accu-aid on you. It’s like a bandaid with a small needle in the middle that I’m going to put on a trigger point, and then throughout the day, you have to reach back there and stimulate yourself.”

OH.

MY.

GOD.

“Reach back there and stimulate yourself.” ??????????

My head nearly exploded. So I was trying to be an adult and hold in my hysteria but about 30 seconds later, I burst out laughing and couldn’t stop. I had tears. I felt terrible because I was convulsing with laughter and she couldn’t treat me so she took this time to get some tape outside while I went through my giggle fit. I settled down but about 5 minutes later, I heard her say it again in my head and started cracking up again. This is the same doctor who asked me if I do coke or have raucous sex because she couldn’t understand why my body wasn’t holding the adjustments.

Jordan Rosenberg has luscious eyelashes. :)

Que Sera Sera

Today is Rie’s birthday. I called her and found her at home. I was VERY concerned as to why she answered my call and wasn’t getting laid (I come from the school of thought that EVERYONE should get laid on their birthdays. And that I should get laid on my birthday as well as everyone else’s. But that’s fodder for another post). Her fiance is an ER resident and was working late tonight so she spent her birthday going to a yoga class and then hanging out at home. If I had known she wouldn’t have plans, I would have sent her a plane ticket so she could come out here for dinner and a titty bar. I love that girl. I miss her so much.

I emailed Ethan today because I missed him too. Today was all about that midwest love. He’s great. Hearing from him just makes me happy.

I had an uplifting day today, for reasons left unspecified. I was in a really good mood. I think sometimes, you just have to let things be. Life lessons…do we really become wiser? How do we know when we’re being taught a lesson and when we’re being rewarded? Or when our lesson is to let go and walk away and when our lesson is to open up and trust? Why has it gotten to the point that I can’t be open anymore on this blog about the things that weigh the heaviest on me? Or can I? Am I really that courageous of a person?

I am in the hardest emotional situation I’ve ever been in. And I’m going to stop fighting it and let whatever is meant to be, just be. Is it possible the universe will give me Oct 13th? Just for once…can’t it find it in its heart to cut me a break? Haven’t I shown it that I have learned how to let go? That I can understand the lessons extracted from devastation and give back in positivity? That I am a good person? For once, can’t I just keep something in my life that means a lot to me? Honestly, God. Can’t I please just admit to you that I really care about someone without you taking that person away from me?

Dear Universe:

I called your customer service line and the monkey that answered just kept screeching and banging the handset against his desk. I did not find him very helpful. Is there possibly an alternate number I can call? At this point, I would even settle for an automated touchtone system.

Please don’t ask me how I feel. I don’t know how I feel. I only know how I feel in a vacuum.

I went to the gym today and beat 2 guys at HORSE 8 times in a row. On nearly all 3-pointers. I wasn’t fucking around today. I had some intense feelings to outlet.

This article made me cry.

http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/10/05/soldiers.mother.ap/index.html