Back in LA
I’m back in LA and excited to sleep in my own bed. I have a huge affinity for hotels– a new space to explore, someone else picks up after you…what’s not to love?–but sometimes the beauty of living in a hotel is how much you appreciate coming home. The only thing I hate is how long it takes me to fully unpack. My room will be a mess for at least another week.
I went and checked out some 2 bedroom condos in Scottsdale, all in the $200K range. They were okay, a lot of them nicely remodeled, but my major concern the entire time was the heat. I finally came out and told my realtor that I’m concerned about global warming and the fact that in the future, Scottsdale could be hitting 130 degree weather. He said that he believes that at some point, this area will become a wasteland, but not for like 50 to 60 years. Hmmm. That’s not a vote of confidence for the area. I suddenly had an epiphany that San Diego is probably the safest bet in terms of weather long-term. Mental note…research market in San Diego. All this is just a hobby though, an exercise in mental masturbation. I really don’t have the cash flow to take on a property right now, but I like to look. It’s like how I always ask for a dessert menu when I eat alone just so I can see what they have, but I never order. Unless I have someone to share it with.
The flight was uneventful. I’m usually used to getting a late boarding pass on Southwest so I always sit in the middle, but today I got an aisle seat. I quickly remembered why I don’t like the aisle seat–when people (especially men) lean over to put their bags in the overhead compartment above you, they end up thrusting their package onto you. Depending on their height, they’re either rubbing your arm, or like the tall gentleman today, rubbing your ear.
I went directly to my Starbuck’s from the airport because our internet at home has been messed up and I wanted to do some research on Yoko Ono for a video skit that a friend is interested in. I realized I was exhausted, so I went home and took a candlelit bubble bath with Guster providing the background soundtrack, then talked to a good friend who made me feel balanced.
I did a lot of thinking this weekend. I’m not mad anymore. I just don’t want to get provoked again. I mean, I had to work through that emotion and it was difficult because my feelings were hurt, but at the end of the day, I realized it was just ego and nothing to do with my true self. Whatever happens, happens. If people don’t feel good enough being around me despite my treating them well, then I have to let them find a way to feel good enough on their own, and if it happens, find people who do feel good enough to be around me. Even though there’s sadness about all the good potential of what could have been that was never actualized, there’s no hate or bitterness. I know your intentions were good but you have a long-term relationship with fear to work through. At the end of the day, I still care about people and I can’t blame them if they weren’t ready to have me in their lives, because I know that being around me brings out truth. I was mad because I felt like I had been disrespected, that by telling me one thing and then acting out another, you were still perpetuating the confusion and not being fair to me. I was mad because I was trying to be nice and kind, and you blamed me for a lot of things that weren’t my fault at all, and you knew it. But you were still willing to give me the blame so you didn’t have to look at your side of things, which wasn’t fair to me. I was mad because you keep setting up boundaries like I’m so untrustworthy, and that really hurts my feelings. But I called because I saw you today and I don’t want it to be awkward or to feel like we have to avoid each other, especially because two of the four locations I’m always at are two at which you can often be found, and life’s too short for us to pretend like we’re angry when we’re really just uncomfortable and each a little hurt. I just don’t want that negativity between us because of things left unsaid, so let’s just not say anything until we’re ready. Like I said, let’s not kill what was a good connection, because no one has done anything horrendous to the other for us to act like there’s hate between us. Better to let it fade unfulfilled than destroy it because it was terrifying. I will smile and be kind to you when I see you next, as well as the next time, as long as you can uphold this agreement by being kind as well. And we won’t talk about anything else until we’re ready, if we ever are, or if we never are. And hopefully somewhere in between, we will honor whatever it was that brought us together. To be honest, very few people still read this blog since I was an asshole and alienated some people a while back, but I mostly wanted to say this to put it out into the universe for my own catharsis.
I’m growing and learning here, too. I know that I’ve been struggling with the universe…that I’ve been telling it that I don’t want to do this work anymore, that I want a reassignment this time because the pain when people decide to run away from the challenge takes so much out of me, that karmic connections are difficult because you invest so much and you know that chances are, people won’t have the courage to rise to the challenge. But in that off chance that someone has a breakthrough and frees themselves, then it was worth it. It’s so much easier to let fear make you fall back, than let courage push you forward, but it’s not impossible. I’ve done it. So I have hope and I have faith, and it takes a lot of inner strength to maintain these things because it’s not logical and you’re believing something you can’t see or feel. And if that hope turns to disappointment and sadness, it’s always a pain that I feel on every level that only time can heal. But it does heal, and I also recognize that the universe has taken care of me as long as I do the work by making it so I don’t really have to worry about security. I’m just struggling with faith–in the universe, and in people’s ability to truly allow themselves to be released from their self-made prisons. I realized the reason it’s important for me that people overcome their obstacles when they’re involved in a karmic relationship with me, is because I have a deep, deep spiritual love for these people and I want to see them achieve their dreams and set themselves free. By seeing that love does heal, it would affirm my faith that there is a higher power out there. My intentions are always good, and my love is always noble. However, the other side of the healer is the warrior, and I made a conscious choice to lay down my sword. But just because I’m not waving around a sword, doesn’t mean I don’t carry one, so please don’t provoke me with games that are not positive, because I can just as easily destroy as I can heal. I don’t like it when things get to that point where destruction is needed to pave the way for healing, but I recognize that sometimes, it’s the thing that is most needed. They say that people don’t always confront the things they need to confront most until they hit rock bottom. If they keep trying to build on a bad foundation, the universe will cause everything to fall so they are forced to start over and build things right. I hope this can be avoided:
In the meantime, I’m not going to struggle with anything right now. I’m not afraid to work towards things that are growing and evolving, and put in work in terms of karma so I don’t have to keep repeating lessons, but I’m not going to struggle. It’s like that first year in LA when I went through my crisis and I was terrified of moving forward, yet so afraid to let go of psychological blocks and a past that was negativ
e. I was absolutely miserable, yet still moderately successful to anyone who didn’t know me behind closed doors. Then the discovery that set me on my path–I realized that in my nightmares, if I was drowning, that I could actually breathe underwater, and that changed everything. It gave me power and the ability to affect my state, rather than let my state affect me. When you are struggling with something and hurting, you have to let yourself relax on every level and breathe…When you can do this on every level and relax on every level, basically what you are doing is allowing yourself to fully expand and be above petty energies, and completely open your energy. It’s counterintuitive…you would think that by completely opening yourself, you would become completely vulnerable to hurts, but what you’ll realize, is that when you do this, you’re actually so much bigger and stronger than the perceived threats so that they’re like tiny, ineffectual fists pounding on some distant door. That’s the way I’ve been handling things now…I refuse to struggle. And so far, good things have been happening.