Counter Booty Call Agreement
(by Me, for the guy who wrote the above contract)
This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the “Agreement”) is entered into on the _____day of __________, 2004, by_______________________ (hereinafter referred to as “Your Mutherfucking Sex Goddess”), between ____________and______________.
THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:
1. Calls must be made at least 2 hours prior to the time when the bars close. Anything less will earn you the title of “Inconsiderate Asshole” and your name and contact information will be recorded on the “Wall of Submissive Pleasure” in the Greyhound Bus Terminal Men’s Room.
2. You must arrange for your own transportation and for payment of said transportation. Your Mutherfucking Sex Goddess is not picking your drunk ass up from the titty bar or paying for your taxi.
2. Buying [1] drink does not constitute the price of admission into the den of sexual debauchery. Your Mutherfucking Sex Goddess is not a six-dollar whore. You must purchase at least a [3] drink minimum. [5] if you’re ugly.
3. Do not ask if it’s the biggest Your Mutherfucking Sex Goddess has ever seen. You know it’s not.
4. And taking a running start to ram yourself into your partner will not make it seem bigger.
5. Do not demand to be referred to as “Daddy,” “Pappy,” “Papito,” “Father McGinley” or any variation of the aforementioned. The first infraction of this rule will result in a warning; the second will be penalized by an immediate call to your “Mommy” to discuss her son’s aberrant sexual preferences.
6. The use of toys and other accoutrements will be initiated at the discretion of Your Mutherfucking Sex Goddess. Any that you bring that you’ve obviously used in some other drunk ho is unacceptable and nasty.
7. Do not bring sentimental gifts. If we really liked and respected you, we wouldn’t have let you come over.
8. Do not pretend to fall asleep when Your Mutherfucking Sex Goddess goes into the bathroom to get you a towel to clean up, leaving her to sleep on the wet spot. You will be immediately defenestrated.
9. Do not attempt for a marathon session. Endurance without results is boring and monotonous, and will result in minus 20 points when your performance is round-table analyzed by the girls at brunch the next day.
10. Do not ask us if it was good, or say “That was amazing” to goad us into making a reciprocal statement. If you need to ask, it probably wasn’t.
11. Don’t bother saying, “I’ll call you” as you scramble for your clothes as you leave. Your Mutherfucking Sex Goddess is already asleep and dreaming about someone whom she actually gives a fuck about.
14. Don’t be offended if Your Mutherfucking Sex Goddess does not remember your name. In your drunken state, you probably don’t remember it either.
15. You can not help yourself to anything in the fridge. Unless you want to get a bill in the mail.
16. Freshen up before you show up. Boys who stank, get no skank.
17. You will not revise or embellish the night’s events to put your prowess in a better light to your circle of acquaintances after the fact. You will tell the truth—that you were too drunk to get it up, that you bit Your Mutherfucking Sex Goddess’ knee thinking it was her clitoris and thought you made her orgasm when she screamed in pain, that you burst into tears for no apparent reason during your sixth attempt at making something happen shortly before you fell off the side of the bed and passed out. And that you left wearing her underwear.
The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list. In other words, you will be BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.
Participating Party
Signature_______________________________________
Date: ________________
Participating Party
Signature_______________________________________
Date: ________________
Footnote:
You know, I wrote this contract as a tongue-in-cheek satire of the booty call contract above that I found on the internet, written so obviously by a guy. Some guy just emailed to tell me what a shallow person I am, and how true connections/affection is so much better. Two separate guys thought this was a serious formality in the things I look for and said they’d be willing to sign it and go through with it, including mentions of their manhood measurements. Nice to know I’m still drawing intelligent readers.