Echo

Full moon over North Beach and the weirdest thing happened. We were leaving a sushi restaurant and taking pictures. It was my mom, Edward, my grandma and I. I saw this guy in a Prius wearing a skull cap drive by. We smiled at each other. I saw him turn his car around as we got in ours.

They wanted me to drive. As I was fumbling around trying to figure out the lights, my mom said, there’s was a guy who was almost naked. We looked around and she said he was gone. We asked her a bunch of questions–was he in a car, was he showing her that he was naked… She said he’d been standing by a car and was wearing a g-string. Her story sounded bizarre and I wondered if she was going senile. But then, a few minutes later, we turned out of the parking lot and there walking along the side of the road with his bare ass cheeks to us was a naked guy in a g-string.

We busted out laughing. I wanted to go back and take a picture of him so people would believe this, but when we turned back, he was nowhere in site. As we turned onto the highway, a Prius screeched by in the left lane. I remember thinking simultaneously that this was the guy from the parking lot, and that I must be driving too slow.

We were driving and talking about the g-string man. We wondered if he was going to the house party that was going on near the restaurant, or maybe he was doing some night swimming. As we were lamenting not having a picture to verify our experience, we rounded the corner and there, walking away from us was a butt-naked guy wearing a g-string. We howled in laughter and my mom demanded this time, we had to take a picture.

We turned around and rolled down our window, but the guy was back inside his car. Just go, my mom said, and we jammed out of there, but we were going in the opposite direction from the hotel. They were telling me I needed to turn the car around, but I was watching the rear-view mirror. Bad news, guys, I said. It looks like he’s following us.

It was seriously scary. He followed me through these empty streets lined with trees that reminded me so much of that forest road in la push when I went out driving alone under the full moon. Come to think of it, one of the local cops had pulled me over, but acted like he just wanted to talk to me.

So this guy followed me, flashed his lights and kept trying to get me to pull over. My family was freaking out and keep saying that she was very scared. I told her to calm down. I wondered if I would have to prepare for defensive driving maneuvers in case he tried to run me off the road. A fucking Prius! I wished I could be doing this in a BMW but I figured I learned how to drive with minivan, And I used to race with it.

So I kept an eye on him, trying to drive like I didn’t even notice him, not panicking. Edward navigated me to a loop that would allow me to drive towards the hotel, which saved me a 180 maneuver. At one point, he was honking but we ignored him. So he swerved into the right lane as soon as one opened up and looked right at me as he passed by.

Slowed down, letting him increase the distance ahead of me. I would rather have him in front but I was afraid he would stop and block the road or something insane. My family calmed down but I was still tense watching his taillights. He did slam on the brakes once and I slowed to a crawl. The car behind me must have thought I was drunk. He started moving again. So did I, keeping as much distance as possible. He gained a lot of ground, then suddenly hit the brakes. I got a rush of adrenaline. He pulled over!, my mom yelled.

I approached carefully, seeing his car but not him. I worried he would jump in front of my car. I decided to make break for it, stepping on the gas. As we pass his car, he suddenly jumps out of the shadows with his thumb out like a hitchhiker. Still in nothing but a skullcap and g-string.

He’s waving some blue squares of paper in his other hand. They look like club fliers or something. Of course we don’t stop for this crazy motherfucker so we keep driving, passing him as he furiously waves his thumb at us. In my rearview mirror, I saw him throw his hand to the sky in naked frustration. Then he scrambled to his car,

He’s still following us, I said.

We were about 10 miles away from the hotel, arguing about why this was happening and what could he want. He was behind another car that was keeping him at bay, but it looked like he’d given up anyway. I performed a scary dotted-line pass of two cars and with them between me and the Prius, I felt better. The whole experience was bizarre and creepy, and I was glad I wasn’t the only one who’d witnessed it. How weird would that be if that guy was some ghost who haunts is stretch of freeway?, I said.

The weird thing was that there was something on the windshield the whole time we were driving, like a frost stain.the wipers weren’t resolving it; neither was the defrost. It was troublesome enough that my mom was complaining about it. But after we got Way from the guy, my mom made the comment that the weird frost was gone. Like somewhere during that guy chasing us, the weird frost disappeared.

When we pulled into the hotel, we asked the woman at the gate if shed ever heard of some guy in a g-string, then we told her the story. She was blown away. I’ve never heard of that, she said. You should have called the cops. The guy at the valet wondered if it was some guy he called Monkey Man that he’d heard some stories about, but when pressed for the details of those stories, he couldn’t provide details.

The funniest thing? My t-shirt read, WTF?

Here’s what I realized.

My favorite thing about traveling, is coming home.

Having a newfound appreciation of your surroundings and your life.

Being able to look at things with new perspective and fully appreciate them.

Every relationship…friendships, romantic partnerships…should go through a period of separation, where each person discovers new things on their own that they can come back and share with each other.

I really opened up myself this week to the answers, the ones I’ve been afraid to see.

The key is to confront your fear.

Right around my birthday, I made a list of things I’m afraid of, without really being fully conscious of them. Ever since my birthday, I’ve been fearlessly tackling them one by one. It’s not even a conscious thing. It’s like I’ll do something and I’m totally comfortable with it, and then I’ll realize, hey, weren’t you afraid to do that? It’s pretty fucking wicked. It cracks me up.

Like talking to my boss yesterday. I talked to him the way I would talk to an idiot boyfriend who can’t be responsible, and you’re just fed up trying to talk to him like an adult. I would have never thought I had it in me because of my fear of authority, but I guess I did. Today he was all nice and accommodating when I got to the office, an hour and a half late. Whatever.

And surfing. Just weeks ago I was talking about how I was afraid of the ocean. I always freak out about having my legs in the water because I can’t see what’s going on down there. The thing is, Hawaii was probably the safest place for me to conquer that fear because the water is so shallow and clear. Surfing was a blast. I had no fear and felt like I’d been doing it my entire life but had just forgotten how. I think that was what turned my instructor on, that I just wasn’t afraid and didn’t want to stop or rest. Afterwards, I was sitting on my hotel balcony in the darkness, I realized I hadn’t been scared at all and had basically resolved some of my fear of the ocean.

Here’s the funniest thing. I was walking around the luau and thinking about how good I was feeling about confronting my fears, and how maybe I should try skydiving. I was weighing my fear when my aunt, who was walking next to me, suddenly said, “Have you ever tried skydiving?” I looked at her, surprised, and said, “I was just thinking that!” The weird thing was, she didn’t even follow up or explain the question. She just kept walking in silence.

I am learning to confront my fear of letting go. That it’s okay if people love me but I don’t want to commit to them or devote myself to just them. I’m coming to terms with my overwhelming feeling of obligation that I have to take care of them. I’m learning that it’s okay to be free and you don’t have to feel guilty.

I think I’m reluctant to commit to one person because I have so many unexpected deep connections with people, that if I committed to one person, I would feel like I’m an inherently dishonest or disloyal person knowing that these connections are out there and I never know when it’s going to happen. And my mind and upbringing gave me such a strong code of honor, that it breaks my heart to think that I could betray another human being, or more accurately, that another human being might feel that I have betrayed him. I want to be able to look someone in the eye and say that I will absolutely be faithful to you, and know that I am sure. That no one else in this world matters more to me but you. I am capable of that depth, and as scary as it feels sometimes, I know that I have it in me to devote myself to one person and it’s a powerful, transformational thing. It makes me scared that I can’t yet. That I’ve never trusted anyone enough to feel that I can. I feel like I just haven’t met the right person yet who didn’t eventually become afraid to connect deeply. A side note, I don’t think this person is a her, even though women have expressed love for me. I’ve never been physically involved with another woman in any way because it gets as much internal response from me as the thought of getting involved with an immediate family member, and I’m just totally turned off by the thought of having sex with a woman; I know I can’t be in an intimate relationship without having someone that I feel sexually comfortable with, which has been some of my issues with men. I want to go really deep, but to do that requires a great deal of trust. Trust takes time and mutual willingness and openness to build up. But so many people get scared, because true intimacy is a powerful and amazing thing, but you do have to be completely and utterly vulnerable. Naked. Defenseless. All you can do is pray that the other person is a good person who will be gentle and careful to not hurt you.

I get close to so many people, never more than one at a time, and what it is between us is like a secret we’re afraid to tell anyone about, or don’t know how to tell anyone about. It’s like there’s a moment where a complete stranger looks at you, and something in their head clicks and you see it in their eyes. It’s as if they say, this is crazy but…do i know you? And maybe you dance around each other, feel each other out, maybe put on masks based on who you think the other person might want to see. But at some point you meet up in a secret, private place and mutually experienced a moment of complete vulnerability, where you are exactly who you are, and there’s actually another person who is seeing it. It’s like electricity when it happens. But you can never hang on to it because it’s so volatile. I always think of Nikola Tesla, when he first realized the power of electricity, this powerful secret that he managed to successfully share with the world despite all the knuckleheaded ignorance of people around him. How many people have experienced this? Why aren’t we all doing it? What amazes me is the power of what can happen between two people who are truly connected. It’s a whole other level.

I made a grown man pensive at the bar this week.

I had just written something I was very happy with, and was filled with all that excited good feeling of having been able to output something honest. I realized I hadn’t gone out at all at night this entire trip because I’ve been so exhausted, so I wanted to go out and check out a bar. I went to the Yardhouse because they’ve got good beer on tap. I was really hoping they had this lemon lager from a brewery in Oregon that I really love (they didn’t). Plus it was within walking distance and I preferred to walk. When I got there, the vibe was weird so I set my objective as seeing if I could have one beer without someone talking to me. I just wanted to sit and feel the place in peace. I put out my most unapproachable vibe, got a snakebite and became mesmerized by the extreme videos. Something about all the physical activities this week, the surfing and the kayaking, made me really appreciate extreme videos. Or I was so exhausted I was mildly high, but they totally titillated my brain. So my beer was my hourglass…when I’m done, I’m out. I was having fun watching the videos but I wasn’t really loving the place either, so I wasn’t nursing the beer. I was almost done when some guy asked if he could sit next to me. My eyes never really left the screen but I note he had dark hair, was about late 30’s, early 40’s, decent looking guy with some wear and tear, standard bar fixture, who can get the older women who are really drunk. Not for me. Beer check–about 4 oz left. I never look him in the eyes. I’m not rude or cold, just not engaged.

Guy: So I noticed you’re here by yourself.
Me: Yep.
Guy: Most girls would be weird about going out by themselves.
Me: Not me.
Guy: Yeah, I’m okay with going out alone, too. I don’t…worry about that stuff.

He fiddles with the label on his beer.

Guy: Are you here on vacation?
Me: Yep.
Guy: I’m here for a wedding. Not mine.

Fiddles.

Guy: My daughter’s actually.
Me: Yeah?
Guy: I just found out about a week ago.
Me: You just found out about your daughter getting married a week ago?
Guy: Yeah.
Me: That sucks.
Guy: Why?
Me: You’d think she’d give you more of a heads up. Do you like the guy?
Guy: I don’t know. I just met him.
Me: I take it they didn’t ask for your permission, huh?
Guy: I guess he seems like a nice guy. He’s totally getting rolled over though. My daughter’s a really hard person to deal with.
Me: That won’t last.
Guy: You don’t think?
Me: Yeah. That guy’s going to wake up one day and realize she doesn’t even like him and he’ll realize he can do better.
Guy: Yeah, I can definitely see that. She can be a real bitch. This is her second marriage.
Me: How old is she?
Guy: 24. She just picked up one day and moved out here. I don’t know what she’s doing out here. Waitressing or something.
Me: She must be working out her dad issues.
Guy: What do you mean?
Me: It sounds like she’s working out her dad issues.
Guy: How do you know that?
Me: You said she’s a real bitch. Why would someone want to live their life being mean to other people, especially people close to them? They’re angry and they’re lashing out at people who are vulnerable. She probably rejects herself deep down.
Guy: So it would have been different if I had been around more.
Me: Fathers sometimes don’t hug their daughters enough.
Guy: So I didn’t hug her enough.
Me: Something.
Guy: Yeah, I married her mom too young. I wasn’t really in her life enough.
Me: There you go. She’s probably on some level getting back at you and dealing with her anger by torturing men who want to love her.
Guy: So it’s my fault.
Me: Well, it is what it is. This is her life challenge to get through, so she’ll make the same mistakes over and over until she decides she doesn’t want to make them anymore. Or maybe she won’t.

He’s quiet for a bit.

Guy: Did your dad hug you enough?
Me: I hug myself enough.

Guy: Where are you from?
Me: Los Angeles.
Guy: I’m from Pomona. Do you know where that is?
Me: Yes.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I work in tech. It’s boring and not worth talking about.
Guy: Oh.

He fiddles with his beer.

Guy: I work at Disneyland. I do all of their repairs and maintenance on their machines. That’s kind of techy.
Me: That’s cool.
Guy: Yeah, I like it. Don’t know if I wanna do it forever though.
Me: You’ve got things you’d rather be doing?
Guy: Yeah, I’ve got some things.
Me: Then you should be doing them.
Guy: Yeah, I should.
Me: When’s your birthday?
Guy: August 20th. When’s yours?
Me: June 14th.

We sit in silence for a while. I’m watching a skier take the nastiest tumble off a cliff.

Guy: Did you ask me because of that astrology stuff? Were you asking me what my sign was? I’m a Leo.
Me: I know.
Guy: What are you?
Me: Gemini. Don’t believe everything you read about us. Some of us are deeper than others.
Guy: Do you believe in that stuff?
Me: The horoscopes in the newspapers, those are bullshit. It has to do with not only what day you were born, but the time as well. It’s like a blueprint of your potential. We all choose the life that we come into.
Guy: What do you mean?
Me: You chose your family, you chose what obstacles in life you would be dealing with and even now, you can choose to do whatever you want to do with your life. The only thing that holds you back is fear, or this idea that your life is set by something or someone else.
Guy: Yeah, I’m feeling that. There’s a lot I wanna be doing but I’m just not sure I’m ready yet. Last month I was offered this one opportunity, in terms of work, but I wasn’t sure if I should take it because I didn’t know if I was ready to leave my job. I’m making money I’m comfortable with, but it doesn’t really fulfill me.
Me: Do you feel like this other opportunity opens up a whole new avenue for your life that you’ve always been afraid to pursue?
Guy: Yeah.
Me: Then you should do it.
Guy: I’ve been thinking a lot about it, now that you mention it.
Me: You’re also going through a Saturn conjunct Sun, which means that you’ve got an opportunity to achieve all the things that you want, all the things that would make your ego happy. You just have to take risks and put in the work. You have a chance to live the life that would make you proud, and you’ve got this door that’s only open for a few weeks longer where making a life change would be easier, so if there are things that you know will make you happy, you’ve gotta take the leap before it gets more difficult. If there are things that don’t make you happy or hold you back, dump them now. There’s nothing worse than being disappointed with the life you chose, because it means you did it to yourself.
Guy: It’s so strange that we’re talking about this because this is exactly what I’ve been going through the last month. I’ve noticed that a lot of people who bring me down, friends who ask for a lot from me but don’t really give back, I’ve been kicking them out of my life. Like, I just decided that I’m better off without them. And I was dating this girl and I knew I didn’t want to be with her, so I finally ended it.
Me: Yeah, that’s the stuff that happens. You’re going to start realizing all the things that are keeping you back, and you’re either going to start getting restless, or you’re going to deny that you could be doing more for your life, and then let it haunt you later on. Wouldn’t you rather be excited about waking up each morning?

The guy’s looking at me and out of the corner of my eye, I can see that his eyes are really excited. He’s antsy, like he wants me to look at him and get more involved in this conversation, but I won’t. Eye contact is intimate.

Guy: How do you know this stuff is real?
Me: What?
Guy: How do you do it? Like what are you calculating that makes you believe in this stuff, that you’re sure it’s true?
Me: Look at it this way. I’ve been studying this stuff all my life. I can look at someone and break them up into various complementary and conflicting symbols, and know the range and area of a person’s life or personality that each symbol stands for. It’s about human potential and how each person moves within the continuum of their potential in various areas of themselves. And look at this. I don’t know you right?
Guy: Right.
Me: I don’t know your name, I don’t know who you really are. You will probably…no…you will NEVER see me again. I’m a complete stranger. But all of a sudden, you walk up to me and the strangest thing is what I’m saying makes sense to you and what you’re going through right now.
Guy: Yeah, I just walked over because I thought you were cute, but what you’re saying makes sense because it’s exactly what I’ve been going through lately. I’ve never had a conversation like this.
Me: Then there’s probably a reason why you walked up to me in this bar and started talking to me, and why I’m saying these things. I don’t usually talk like this with everyone that walks up to me in a bar. Maybe the universe wanted you to hear something, or wanted to give you a push. Look, this happens to me a lot. I’ll go to some random place and someone will talk to me, and we’re talking about random shit, but for some reason, it makes sense to both of us. And we don’t even know each other or what we’re talking about, until we walk away and look back and say, hey, that was a pretty random but significant conversation. Every one of these connections has something to give and teach and something to learn and receive. So whatever I’m saying to you, if it makes sense, take it for what it’s worth. If you get weirded out, then just chalk it up to midnight in a bar.

He nods and keeps staring. I can feel his leg tapping his chair, increasingly anxiously.

Guy: Who are you?

I finish my beer in one gulp, then turn and make eye contact with him for the first time. I smile.

Me: I’m just a girl who goes to bars.

I tell him I’m going to the bathroom then leaving. When I walk out later, I see him sitting at the bar, his back slumped and his eyes far away, completely lost in space.

Some might say I’m an asshole because I’m fucking with people’s heads. I don’t know. I don’t think I’m trying to mess with their heads as much as be a catalyst for change. Sometimes when I’m tired, I get tired of having to maintain a pretense, a mask, so all I say is the truth, what I see, what I feel, what I believe. I’m especially like this when I’m high because it’s like I’m not allowed to be anything but honest. But there’s never manipulation behind it, where I’m trying to get something I want out of it. I just say the first honest thing that comes out of my head, and sometimes, it makes sense to the other person. I don’t think I’m psychic. I think all of us can read people just by really listening to them and seeing them, but most people don’t try because they don’t really listen to or see themselves. I think it’s very clear that 90% of people are not fulfilling their full potential. Sometimes you just have to remind them that if there’s something they want to do, why not try. Why not attempt freedom and success?

Sareet and I had an interesting conversation today. She said that she doesn’t believe in fear of success, that it’s really just a fear of failure. I said that fear of success is really fear of getting your hopes up and then failing. Some people have gone through so much disappointment in their lives, that they’re terrified to hope they are more, that their lives can be better. I can’t say that I, myself, am exempt from this prison, this shackling fear. But I’m trying. I’m really trying. And sometimes, by helping others push off and reach towards their potential, it shows me that it’s possible so that I can strive for the same. I’ve never thought I was smarter or stronger or wiser than other people. I’m just good at seeing perspectives. And I hope that with my gift of objectivity and perspective, that by watching people change and expand, it helps me understand how I can navigate my own potential.

global warming is too powerful for my sensitive asian skin. or my sunblock sucks. my entire body is on fire.

looking out into the ocean
spanning into the horizon
a universe so much more expansive than this

the moon, a broken locket, shares its secret

i may or may not know you
but i love you.

what happens to people who wish upon a star, but tag their hopes and dreams upon a plane heading towards an unknown destination?

you and i are the same…flesh and blood and dreams that can not be contained.

smile.

because your spirit is free

limitless

unburdened

uncompromised

peace.

may all your dreams come true

and may you never be shackled by the fear of those who gave up on their dreams

smile.

because one day it will all make sense

*****

i hope someday you’ll find me

like the poetry of the ocean and the infinite horizon

*****

smile.

because it’s the truth

because your heart feels what your mind can not contain

because today life has blessed you with another day of living
stretching out beyond all that can ever be known
beyond all that is everyone and everything

smile.

because today you are free

and the universe dreams of you
your hopes and dreams
your freedom
and it hopes that some day you’ll realize
the blessing of all that you’ll become
and the blessing of all that you can be
still as yet unwritten…

The Art of Not Working

Peter Gibbons: I uh… I don’t like my job, and, uh… I don’t think I’m gonna go anymore.
Joanna: You’re just not gonna go?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Won’t you get fired?
Peter Gibbons: I don’t know, but I really don’t like it, and, uh, I’m not gonna go.
Joanna: So you’re gonna quit?
Peter Gibbons: Nah-uh. Not really. Uh… I’m just gonna stop going.
Joanna: When did you decide all that?
Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago.
Joanna: An hour ago… so you’re gonna get another job?
Peter Gibbons: I don’t think I’d like another job.
Joanna: Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and…
Peter Gibbons: You know… I’ve never really liked paying bills. I don’t think I’m gonna do that, either.

This has always been one of my favorite quotes from Office Space. The more time I spend away from work, the more I feel like I just don’t want to work anymore. Or pay bills. Or clean my house. Or have sex with strangers for money.

Today I went on a guided kayak tour. My mom was surprisingly active, even counting out the strokes and we ended up always near the front of the group. That muscle recovery drink I got yesterday at GNC did wonders as I woke up not even a little sore this morning. However, the back of my legs and ass are baboon red. Thank god for aloe gel. We hit a couple of little islands off the coast of Kailua and did some exploring and snorkling. The waves were huge near one of them, and the guide had warned us that it was likely that people would capsize. Well, my mom and I grounded fine, but as I was helping her out, we got hit by a big one and it capsized our kayak. I turned it over but my leg got tangled up in the paddle rope and while I was trying to free myself, I got hit by another wave that knocked me backwards, right into where my mom was squatting and I flipped over her. When this Australian couple got to shore, the woman was laughing so hard and wanted to know which one of us was the one who fell over the other. I said, that was me, and she told me that was the funniest thing she’d ever seen. I would have loved to have seen it, because it felt pretty comedic.

After kayaking, I went surfing but it was incredibly crowded. I caught one wave and rode it for a bit, so I was happy. My arms were really tired from kayaking though, so I only stayed out for an hour.

I have to say that I’ve seen more six packs out here than a girl’s mind can process. It’s like every guy out here has a six pack, even the Japanese tourists. I know for a fact all these gorgeous guys and six packs have ruined me. It’s like how they say never have sex on ecstasy because it’ll ruin regular sex for you. All you men in Hawaii have ruined me. I’ve always been a personality/sense of humor girl, but now all I know is that boys have penises and six packs, and girls have vaginas.

My family went out to dinner but I wanted to stay in and write to the sound of the surf. Or maybe I’ll go downstairs and buy a couple of Sapporos (aka robot beer) and dance. Each room here is equipped with an iHome so I’m rocking out to my iPod right now. I’m just happy to not have to go to work tomorrow.

Lazy Sunday

Sunday is my favorite day of the week and today was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time. The family went off to explore the island while I stuck around the hotel because I had my surfing lesson today. I asked the concierge where was a good place to have a really good cup of coffee and they sent me to the breakfast buffet. I didn’t eat that much because I didn’t want to get lethargic before my lesson, so I did my free-write over breakfast. Then I headed out to the pool and read a few pages of Freedomland, this book I’ve been starting and restarting for years now (I keep bringing it with me on trips, but never get through the first 50 pages because it never grabs me). I’m proud to announce I’m on page 89.

I chose the noontime lesson because the rep from the school said that was when the best waves were. I showed up and this one instructor kept staring at me and when they were going over the lesson on how to stand up, he kept talking to me so I figured if I end up in his group, it’ll be good because at the very least, he seems like he’d be pretty motivated to make sure I don’t drown. He moved people into other groups to make sure I was in his, and we headed out to the beach.

I’ve never really been a strong swimmer because I’ve always found swimming really boring. There was a period when I swam laps regularly because I got a little underwater radio that kept me entertained, but that thing stopped working after about 2 months so that was it with me and swimming. With surfing though, paddling out is a lot like swimming freestyle, and I realized that as long as there was a goal-oriented activity to keep me distracted (catching a wave), I didn’t mind it. It’s kind of like basketball or ultimate frisbee can get me to run for long periods of time without minding, even though I can’t jog 3 blocks without stopping and wanting to go home. You can call me either very goal-motivated or an ADD posterchild.

The way it worked was we all had to paddle out, then the instructors would wait for a wave, then tell us when to paddle and when to stand up. My first wave, I was just shocked at the feeling of being pushed by the wave. I managed to stand up and ride for a bit, but then the moment my brain thought, “Holy shit, you’re on a surf board…now how do you get down when it’s time?”, I fell off. I fell off the next one, but after that, I was able to ride the waves all the way down and get back down, which was really cool. I’ve always been so intimidated by the surfing community in LA that I’ve never been willing to take lessons, but I can see why people dedicate their lives to surfing. It’s a great feeling to be in the ocean, and when you’re riding a wave, it’s absolute zen. We were on longboards which makes it easier, but I realized that if you do yoga, and if you’ve played baseball/softball before, the combined familiarity of balance and stance come in handy.

So my instructor kept saying I was doing really well, and at one point he said, “I really like the way you surf. It turns me on.” In my head I thought, “Hmmm” but outloud I said, “So you like your women off-balanced, huh?” After a while, he wasn’t really helping anyone else but me. He was towing me and this other girl, and another instructor came by and asked him why he had all the cute girls, so he pushes the other girl’s board at him and goes, “Here, take this one,” and then he spent the rest of the time with me. At one point, my neck got sore so I was stretching it out. He asked me if my neck hurt, then started massaging my neck and shoulders. So here’s me, laying on my board while this guy was giving me a massage in the middle of the ocean. He asked me how long I was in town, and said he’d like to take me surfing…for free. I thought about it (I could really dig surfing again with someone who makes it easier for me by telling me when and what to do), but then I had to ask myself how much it was worth it for the strings that would definitely be attached, perhaps being told when and what to do in other respects. I told him that I had planned activities the rest of the week, but definitely if I came back again. On the last wave, we rode it together and he grabbed my hand and tried to hop on my board, but I didn’t get far enough back so it didn’t work. That would have been awesome.

When we got back he waited until everyone else was gone and he came up and gave me a hug. I gave him the guy hug where you shake the guy’s hand, then hug him with your arms between you, but I fucked it up and ended up pressing his hand against my boob. Botched. So much for trying to keep it casual and not awkward. He told me to come find him if I changed my mind and I said I would for sure.

On the walk home, there was a GNC so I stopped by to see if I could get something for muscle recovery. I’m kayaking with my mom tomorrow, and I convinced her to sign up for a two-person kayak, because it’s a 4 hour guided tour and I know she’s going to get tired by herself. I realized that surfing is probably going to make me sore tomorrow and I wanna make sure that my arms can function because I know I’m gonna be doing all the work. I was asking the guy who worked there about what the best product to get would be, and he was this really shy Japanese guy who didn’t really know that much but he tried really hard to be helpful. He just stood there and read me all the labels and lists of ingredients. I ended up talking to him for a while because he asked me what LA was like, and that he heard people were really shallow and converations were very empty. I said that it was funny that he said that, because I had just had a conversation with someone about how vapid interactions can be out here. I told him that it’s not across the board–there are friendly, interesting, intelligent, community-oriented people out here, but on a whole, conversations tended to be more shallow and you could have a 10 minute conversation with someone, and realize that you know just as much about them after the conversation as when you started. It’s the weirdest and most disappointing thing.

I settled for some fruit punch flavored recovery drink that tasted like someone had dissolved Flintstones vitamins in it. It sucked. But while I was at the counter, I was talking about how I love Perfect Food, this green powder made from blue-green algae and different vegetables among other things, and this women making a purchase overheard. I went into a whole thing about how much I love this stuff and how ever since I started putting it in my protein shake, I’ve felt more balanced and less irritable in the mornings. I pulled it off the shelf for her and went through the nutritional panel, and she ended up buying it. A $50 impulse buy. I don’t know why I don’t work in nutrition and/or fitness in some capacity. I love that stuff. I thanked the GNC guy and told him not to hate LA people too much…there are good people out here.

I headed back to the hotel, did some yoga stretches, then showered and got ready to go to a luau.

If you ever go to Hawaii, try to go to a luau. It’s this big show where they do native ceremonies and dance performances, and at some point, they pull a pig that they’ve been roasting all day out of a pit dug into the sand. The women wear coconut bras, and the men all look like The Rock. And then you feast. That about sums it up.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but as the night wore on, I started feeling like I got sunburned because it became progressively harder to sit comfortably. When I got home, I looked in the mirror to find the back of my legs and ass were the color of an animated depiction of a watermelon. My mom started her simultaneous nagging/freaking out and it just made me mad, so unfortunately, she’s upset right now because I used a cuss word not directed at her, but one in which I used forcefully to modify a noun. I guess she didn’t like that. I rarely get sunburned but this one looks bad, probably because I was out in the water for a cou
ple of hours around noon and SPF 50 and waterproof is not as dependable as you’d hope. I got some aloe gel so hopefully this helps enough for me to sit in a kayak tomorrow.

I was looking through the pictures from the trip and there is finally photographic evidence that I am capable of managing a 2-pack. I am psyched beyond words.

Barely Legal

I spent the day at the stretch of beach in front of our hotel. Waikiki is very touristy, like a more tropical Santa Monica, but the water is amazing. It’s clear blue, warm, gentle and in my opinion, less salty than the water in LA (I absolutely can’t stand getting water in my eyes in LA). The weather was perfect, and every time it got a little too hot, it would start sprinkling enough to cool down. Man, if I could find a way to get rich quick, I would love to spend more time just dicking around in Hawaii, napping on the beach.

So to follow up on the guy I saw in the gym, I came back from the beach and wanted to work out a little before dinner. On the way down to the gym, the elevator stopped and in walks Hot Gym Guy. I thought, this is destiny! So he lights up when he sees me and we’re both kind of shy but we’re small talking. I ask him where he’s from and he says he’s from Tracy (a city in Norcal). I tell him I grew up in Fremont. He gets excited and asks if I still live there. I say I live in Los Angeles now. He thinks about it, then says, that’s cool, like “that’s not a dealbreaker, necessarily.” I ask him if he’s here on vacation and he says, “Yeah, I’m here with my family. I just turned 18 on Wednesday so this is my birthday present.”

AhjuWUT?

Hold on.

Stop.

18? What 18 year old has a body like that???? The guy looks at least 25.

Well, needless to say, I ejected myself out of that conversation in the most polite, friendly way possible. I don’t need to be messing with anyone who’s only 3 days legal, no matter what.

I had told my mom about a hot guy at the gym, and today, she had walked by the gym on the way to the pool and was waving and pointing at him, giving me the thumbs up from outside the door. I told her later that the guy was 18 and she started cracking up. A few minutes ago, she walked by me and started chuckling, saying, “Eighteen years old…what a shame.”

3 days legal. Just can’t do it. I just can’t do it.

Woke up to the sound of the ocean which is the second most beautiful sound to fall asleep/wake up to, second only to the sounds of a rainstorm.

I had an interesting dream last night. I was back in college, but it wasn’t Ann Arbor. I liked this guy who was really elusive (he kind of looked like this jerk I dated for like 5 minutes in college, but with a better body); it was obvious that he really liked me, but it’s like, he just couldn’t give me enough, you know? Like he was holding something or a part of himself back. Like he wasn’t fully coming to the table, so he was making me struggle internally and hurting me. So at one point, I hadn’t seen him in a while, but we ran into each other. The moment was electric and we started kissing and it was really uninhibitedly passionate (finally). It was amazing because he was present and our chemistry is so good. We were literally in this concrete room around the corner from our dorms and I thought, I could invite him to my place where it would be more comfortable than a concrete room, but it might break the moment by him getting too cerebral during the walk over and this moment being lost. So we were kissing and i think he realized it would be too uncomfortable for sex, so he said, let me go get a blanket. So he left and I waited and waited and he didn’t come back. I went looking for him, in the area, at the dorms and even asked our friends if they’d seen him. No one had. I started getting really irritated, because I figured he’d chickened out again and it pissed me off. There was no doubt that he was really interested in me and connected to me, but he was a ghost…one moment totally there, the next minute he had disappeared making me wonder if he ever existed.

So while I was looking for him, I walked by this guy in a green jacket who was carrying this one beautiful flower. We didn’t make eye contact when I walked by because I was busy being irritated and looking for this ghost who was breaking my heart. I realized I didn’t care anymore, that the moment was gone and I went to class. When I walked in, I saw the guy with the flower and remembered that he’s in this class with me. He walked up to me and gave me the flower along with a ten page handwritten note written journal style. He smiled and walked away. I read the note, and it talked about how he knows who I really am because he watches me and he truly appreciates me. He had little examples of days when I felt down and little things I did that he noticed. While now that I’m awake, it sounds a little stalkerish, it was actually really sweet, one of those things that comes out of the blue that you weren’t expecting, but it was something deep and private where I realized this person I’d never really noticed before could see the real me. I finished reading and I looked up at him, I smiled at him and it felt like we’d known each other our entire lives.

I woke up feeling really content. I hope that person exists.

I got up at 6 in the morning today but had some issuees with airport parking so I just barely made my flight to Honolulu. I was the last one to check in and ended up getting a window seat in the exit aisle. I like how they explain to people how the doors open and how to assist people. Every single person knows that in case of an emergency, the exit row people are gonna open that door and be like, “Fuck this…I’m out!” I have a feeling though, I’d be the sucker who would actually assist people, because I would feel like if I didn’t and survived, karma would kick my ass.

My seat didn’t recline, but I’m one of those people who can sleep anywhere, in any position. I don’t know what’s up with the fact that when I fall asleep in a sitting position, my mouth opens. So I sleep with my mouth open.

I arrived at Honolulu and it’s crazy hot. I met up with my mom and it was great to see her. My mom and I get along really well, even though our relationship is really fiery. Any phone conversation starts with yelling and ends with yelling, but at the end of the day, we get along well because we’re both strong personalities who happen to be easy-going.

I signed up for surfing lessons, after an extensive conversation with the activities guy about how attentive the guides are to students that may be drowning. He asked if I was a strong swimmer and I said I was, but I get really disoriented when I’m underwater so I’m kind of terrified of the ocean. I realized that the water in Hawaii is clear, so that made me worry less. At least if I’m drowning, they’ll be able to see me flailing around underwater. We’ll see how this goes. Is it bad that my major motivation for wanting to learn how to surf is to get my back ripped?

We tried to go to this sushi restaurant that’s supposed to be the best in the city, but it was closed until dinnertime, so we went to this little sushi cafe that was okay. I learned that I do not like raw clam sashimi. At least when it’s served at a little beachfront sushi dive.

There’s an ABC store every block, literally, here. They’re like these convenience stores, akin to 7-11’s. Yet my mom and I managed to stop at every one on the way back to the hotel to buy something. We’re both scatterbrained so we would buy something, then half a block later, realized we forgot something else (ie bottled water, sunblock, beach mats, etc).

We checked out the hotel pool that was supposed to be nice, but it was the size of a regular housepool with about 40 little kids in it. I thought it was the kiddie pool and looked around, but nope. That was it. I realized the ratio of pee to water must be about 45/55, yet it was so hot, I had to get in just to get wet. I had a Mai Tai, totally fell asleep, woke up to find the sun setting. Oops. Tomorrow I plan to tan my backside.

So my mom and I are exercise freaks. We exercise so we can eat. We wanted to work out, so I went there first because she was dicking around the room, and it was just me and this really, really hot guy. He looked like one of the models in the Equinox ads, and he was doing major core exercises with weights while wearing a sweat-drenched wife-beater. Watching him work out was total chick porn.

So according to my book on how each sign should specifically handle their Saturn Return, my Saturn Return in Leo in the 1st House requires that I do things that are more ballsy and assertive. Specifically, one of the exercises is to walk up to the hottest guy in the room and start a conversation. So I’ve been trying to do that but lately, wherever I’ve gone, the hottest guy in the room/bar/club has been underwhelming so it never felt like a challenge. This guy made me simultaneously want to lick him and club him over the head and put him in my suitcase.

So I stared at him for a good 15 minutes while I was on the elliptical, but when he walked over to get water, I started asking him about the exercises he was doing on the ball. We talked for a few minutes, but the rest of the time, we would keep smiling at each other when we would catch each other’s eye on the mirror. I saw him in the hotel later and he had his shirt off which made my head hurt. That guy has to be a sports model. No regular human being dedicates himself to getting his body to look like that unless he were paid. He saw me and smiled. I don’t care that I’m on vacation with my family. If I see him out and about, I’m taking that home.