Echo

Ever since this site started falling apart technically because I was afraid to do the updates and lose content, I stopped posting, mostly because I couldn’t post on the fly anymore. Or maybe because my life stabilized, so I had less time to do what I love to do–go out and watch from the shadows, talk to strangers, try to catch a glimpse of the code within the fabric of our universe.

In the time since, I’ve grown, I’ve mentored, my focus in life shifted and reshifted. I met the love of my life in the form of a little boy whom I had been dreaming about since I was in my 20s. Whereas I used to always have recurring dreams of people I knew from before time (the blue man, the little 22 boy named Adrian), after I met them, those dreams stopped.

And then about a month ago. I had a dream of someone I knew from before time and it was the same feeling–like meeting a long lost friend you had forgotten all about, and then that familiar feeling of closeness and relief in having found them again. In that moment, your soul is completely lit up like a sun against a night sky, you wonder, how did I ever forget you were in this world?

And then it happened again a couple weeks later.

The first dream, I ran into him and I said, how did I forget about you? I couldn’t believe it. It was a feeling of suddenly finding what I had no idea I had lost.

The second dream happened the night of Sunday 9/8. A 29 day. I dreamed of a little boy, he was 2 years old, yet he and I were best friends and so happy to see each other. I went to give him a hug and inside him, a firecracker lit up and burned red. At first I panicked–the little boy was hugging me so…close. I wanted to pull away because it made me feel like a pedophile.  But just as soon as that feeling came, I realized, it’s okay. Because we are the same age.  I was a little girl too.

When I woke up, I was puzzled because that was 2 dreams in a row of that “feeling”–a closeness, like 2 halves realizing their completeness in the place before time, and getting a chance to meet there again.

It was a good dream–those kinds of dreams always are. They make me feel safe and comforted. They remind me there is more to this world, and I have connections beyond this world. That love doesn’t go away or die when we come back. We just don’t recognize it when we are here.

But the dreams also confused me. Previously they had signified people I would meet in the future, I didn’t quite know why I was having this type of dream again now, when I felt my life was set. I thought about it for a couple of days but there weren’t really any answers.

2 days later, someone showed me something that broke my heart, and I gave him a hug. Later, he told me sometimes he has dreams that end up coming true later, like he perceives reality in advance. And something clicked in my head. I am positive he was the little boy in that dream.

The truth is, it was inevitable from the moment I saw you.

i am a powerful being, but i do need to be tamed. the softer i am in the tiniest of places, the stronger i am in the most expansive.

1. you can take the girl out of texas. but you can’t take texas out of the girl.
2. i love a man who has prepared for me.
3. i love a man who lets me win but never lets me know.
4. i love a man who glows.
5. i love a man who brings out the gentlest and strongest parts of me.
6. i love a man who makes me feel we’re two parts who believe in the same thing.
7. the more i look for you, the more i find of me.
8. the more i find of me, the more i find of you.
9. you shouldn’t wait to cross the bridge.

wow, this guy really makes me realize that my greatest love is my brother. something inside me just curls with happiness when he’s around.

last night i dreamed i was somewhere between australia and atlantis and the guide i was with wanted to see something underwater. so i went down to the sandy bottom and noticed the people with me were wearing diving gear and i was only wearing a mask. but i started breathing and it was the most natural thing in the world. i saw a world at the bottom of the ocean that looked like a child’s idea of what’s under the sea. yet it was very real. i was mildly afraid of the small red octopus, but i stayed out of his way and he didn’t notice me. i was sitting on the sand at the bottom, understanding that this was both a dream and a training exercise, but still utterly amazed.

this just reminded me of the dream the night before, where i was at a house with a bunch of random people (both people i knew and strangers). i was inside the house with my best friend, a guy with dark hair, when someone evil set loose a killer robot alligator and a killer wolf outside. i saw him setting them loose, and they’d tried getting into the house but i’d locked all the doors in time, getting people nearby inside as well. but then i realized my dad was outside by the pond, so i ran out to save him. ended up finding all kinds of people still out there and telling them to get in the house. couldn’t find my dad but ended up having to battle the alligator, which was scary, but in the back of my mind i knew it was a dream so i was able to neutralize the alligator by remembering i can do anything i want with it. so i fought it off, but didn’t give it too much attention. i even managed to psychically gain the trust of the wolf and neutralize him. he became loyal to me. i woke up as i was helping people over the fence into the house.

some nights, the only way i can fall asleep is to imagine laying my head on your chest, listening to you breathing, letting the rhythm of your heart lull me to sleep. sometimes, you feel so close, so real, that i can almost smell your skin.

Shining like a work of art
Hanging on a wall of stars
Are you what I think you are?

You’re my satellite
You’re riding with me tonight
Passenger side, lighting the sky
Always the first star that I find

You’re my satellite

Maybe you will always be
Just a little out of reach

-guster

one day, if you ever meet a december 20, 1975 kiwi named gareth who works on a boat, he will tell you about the night he met me–what i did to his world, how badly he wanted to draw my eyes, what came over him when he laid his head on my shoulder and closed his eyes, what he felt when he rested his hand on my leg, how much he wished he could hold my hand, what it meant to look me in the eyes and be so completely seen. he will tell you how he’d never felt so drawn to a woman so quickly and so completely, how badly he wanted it, to feel her insides, to feel her heat and pulse, to know that she is real and she is here…with him. for him. and he’ll tell you how i shared a warmth that was so truthful, such a flood of unadulterated joy, yet still disappeared into the night, adamantly untouched. he was a boy usually accustomed to getting what he wants who somehow found his hands tied. but he’ll always smile whenever he remembers that night.

tonight was the second night in a row the possibility of sex was blatantly on the table. and just as i’m confessing…the need to hunt is becoming overwhelming. tonight, i was in a familiar place, one which featured a stuffed leopard on its altar. i could have had anyone just by looking at him. he would have even walked himself over. and still, i was gentle, i was kind, and i waited. none of them were you.

one day, when your friends look at me and comment, “that woman…she really loves you,” you will be aware of an entire sea of time and an echoing expanse of universe, and realize all over again how profoundly lucky you are.

through these oceans of words i can feel you.

i almost thought you were here tonight, and stood watching someone who looked so much like you, from 18 feet i could almost imagine how it will be when it’s finally you.

i know your energy. i know your smile.

you will know me because i’m glowing.

you will know me, because i part the crowd like a sea.

you will know me, because you know me.

but the question is, the bridge.

how will we build this bridge?

12 is showing the 9 how to use its past to understand the future.

12 is helping 9 get to 22.

i was thinking the other night that what i need is a loyal watchdog type. what my leopard used to symbolize for me. every queen must have a trusted man who protects her and carries out her will.
then last night, i dreamed of fighting evil shadow figures alongside snake eyes from gi joe. that was really cool. i had ninja skills just like him, except i could make things happen with just my mind. and we both wear black.

love is not possessive or selfish. love is the river that flows underground so serenely you forget its presence, until the nights you lose yourself in restless sleep, and it slips into your room, a familiar stranger, one cool hand taking yours, leading your dreams out of shadow towards moonlight.

i can see the future. i’m just waiting for the part where you walk into it.

when the head chases the tail, you are going in circles.
when the head chases the tail and the tail chases the head, you are manifesting infinity.

catching snowflakes with bare hands
an exercise in ephemerality
futility
beauty
an intriguing lesson

presence catches but holds nothing

as does prescience, in other worlds

time is interpretation.

i think my ultimate peak experience in life would be, floating a paper boat down a forest river, and after some time, years if it has to be, when i least expect it, it floats right back to me from the opposite direction. and it’s brought someone familiar with it.

maybe you’ve already met the right person, just at the wrong time?

you always move forward, you never go back, but you recognize sometimes life circles back in the future, and that’s always quietly given you hope for things let go. right now, you’re terrified of letting go of the strongest energy spot you have, but you have to believe that if you let go, you can still come back to it later and it will still be here for you. maybe you’re not ready for it yet. or there’s something else you have to do first, before you can claim it the way you want to claim it.

personally, i would like to come through the early morning window, slip under your covers to touch you in the realm between waking and sleep, all moonlight and skin and something much darker and richer.

i need a motivation.

There’s an urban legend that when the Indians first saw Columbus’s ships, they weren’t able to perceive the ships because they were nothing they’d ever encountered in their world. The validity of the story is often debated, but i think what the story really opens a discussion for is the idea of perception. a guy posting as silas sparkhammer on the snopes boards had some good comments:

Again, go into a forest (if you have never been in one) and you will have a great deal of difficulty finding your way around. This confusion won’t last for mere seconds, but for hours and hours. It takes time for the brain to figure out entirely new patterns.

Take someone who doesn’t know how to play chess. Take another person who is a master of the game. They both see exactly the same light patterns reflecting off of the pieces on the board…but they perceive *very* different things.

There’s also this experiment in visual cognition. Check it out. Did you see it? I saw it.

And that’s the thing. Perceiving people on multiple levels. Keeping an eye out for the WTF.

Last night, when I was out people watching, I was thinking about those Indians not recognizing the boats. Maybe there are certain people who are around in your world, but you can’t see them because you haven’t enough perspective to recognize them. So you recognize they’re people, but you don’t really “see” them. But when you get into a different place, different eyes, different frames of reference, you can suddenly recognize them. Through your connection with them, they suddenly bring your life to a different level.