i dreamed of adrian for years. a little 11:11 22 boy (first name 11, last name 11). i remember the moment the portal opened and i caught him, and never let go. he is my heart and my dream come true.

i looked and looked. sometimes i would see a little girl named olive. sometimes i saw adrian growing up alone. adrian goes through periods where he tells me about *little sister* which was always a little creepy. however, she never materialized more than an idea, a whisper.

and then 3 weeks ago i saw her face for the first time. she’s indeed olive.

we can catch the portal tomorrow, however, he was never a man of good timing.

today was an ending but a nice one. it feels like i can finally breathe.

it was a whirlwind september. i guess i’ve been so routine and complacent i forgot to keep an eye on september, and was caught off guard.

the last month has been weird starting with 9/6/2019 a 999 day. sarah emerged asking about paper lanterns. lots of discussions about the moon and meaning.

i would say the thing that hurt the most this month was donating $600 to my teammate when she was in the hospital. i did it so she wouldn’t stress about her fundraising quota. then 2 days later, i forgot my jersey which means the team would have to do a penalty (usually like 20 pushups or running), and she of all people basically said, you better go home and get it because i ain’t running for you.

it really hurt my feelings. but then in hindsight, i realized i shouldn’t have done it. probably all of it, checking up on her, etc. i think sometimes i think i have a responsibility to be kind to people or do things for people, but it’s not necessarily appreciated or maybe even wanted. i think maybe i feel like i need to pay the universe back for all those times i was lost or hurting, and someone helped me, or spent time on me. but i don’t know that i really make a difference, and also i realize it creates imbalances in my life. i think i need to live by this rule:

don’t give to anyone who doesn’t give anything back. doesn’t matter if they can’t or won’t, if you do it will create an imbalance and you will suffer.

the other thing i really need to contemplate is the idea of loyalty. i’m so fucking loyal but sometimes i don’t know to what and why. where did i get this concept from? was it because my upbringing was so traumatic i learned that no matter how fucked up things are, family is family and you stick with them? but i never updated the code to, loyalty to only those who deserve it? i feel like whenever i get on a team, whether work, basketball or socially, i’m all in. i just assume that’s what you do when you’re a crew. but i always end up finding out that not everyone feels the same. in fact i’ve been stabbed in the back (and in the face) several times by my teammates or people i thought were my friends. so if it happens so much, i’m as much to blame because i’m either not setting the right boundaries and expectations in my relationship, or i’m attracting the wrong people (or not kicking out the people who are wrong).

so in that way, this month has been eye opening, heartbreaking at times, but good. to recap:

1. no more giving to anyone who doesn’t give back.
2. take care of myself. stay in my lane. let other people worry for themselves and take care of themselves. the only one i’m responsible for taking care of are my son and me. and the cats.
3. focus on what matters.

something may be true, but doesn’t mean it’s real.
something may be real, but doesn’t mean it’s meaningful.
something may be meaningful, but doesn’t mean it’s yours.
when something is yours and meaningful and real and true

hold on to it.

surprised to be moved to tears. i waited. 2009 i cleared all my shit. i gave myself to the unknown and the deep connections in service of the universe. then in july 2010, i came home. i couldn’t wait. i said i didn’t want anyone else. i waited and i searched. 2010, 2011. up and down the entire left coast. i searched the eyes of everyone. every night, i directly my antennae towards you. 2012 i gave up. i changed from wanting only you, to wanting a man with good timing. and that’s what i got.

and you were right. here. you’d even come to my parents company. twice. you might even have seen pictures of me in the background. just not the time. lifetime after lifetime, until we become cats.

i’m not psychic. i just pay attention.

is there any chance i conflated the blue man and the man with olive skin?

if i reach for the moon and the moon reaches back, my life will be complete.

Pain is resistance. You can reduce pain by reducing resistance to what you can’t change.

this week was a high pressured one. i got the biggest order i’ve ever gotten, and then 2 days later i got another order the same size. what was weird was that one was $2200, and the other was $2022.20. 22’s are repeating themselves.

coach broke down on monday when he got a call in the middle of practice that his mother figure had passed. he called us in a circle and told us then cried. i told the girls to lock arms and we surrounded him. i rubbed his back trying to comfort him. it was heavy.

wed spoke to one of my teammates who had said she was depressed. at the end of the talk she said she felt better. i asked her to promise me that she wouldn’t hurt herself, because hurting herself would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. she hadn’t mentioned anything along those lines but i felt a worry.

on friday she mentioned she couldn’t go to our fundraiser the next day because she was in the hospital and couldn’t leave til sunday. i knew right away it was a three day mandatory psych hold which means she’d tried to hurt herself. i texted her what happened and she said she almost overdosed on pills. she said she was sorry she didn’t keep her promise to me and it broke my heart. i told her it was okay, that i was glad she was okay. i asked her if there was anything i could do for her and she said no. i asked her if she wanted me to visit her and she said no. i didn’t know what to do. i was looking online and saw that she had posted about the free throw shoot-a-thon asking people to please donate. we each have to raise $600. so i just donated $600 to her so she wouldn’t have to worry about her quota, and wrote in the message that the universe has big plans for her and that i believe in her. i didn’t know what else to do for her. i felt so sorry for all the times i’ve been at the edge, and the pain it put my loved ones through.

sometimes i sit here and wonder what is real and what isn’t. i have notebooks and notebooks of messages i wanted to give people, things that seemed so random that i wanted to tell them, but i didn’t because i was so afraid of rejection or sounding crazy. like right now i feel like i’m supposed to tell someone they need to eat more ginger, but it seems really random, yet every day this thought comes up. what is real? sarah and i are still talking about recurring numbers and paper lanterns. what is real? sometimes my heart or my soul tells me something is real. and when i was younger, i used to think things were real or unreal, like it was black and white. now i realize it can be real and also not real, just at different levels so while something may be real at one level, it is not real on another. like soulmate connections. just because you recognize a soulmate, doesn’t mean they are good for you. just because you recognize a soulmate, doesn’t mean it’s a connection in this lifetime that will last. so what i was asking wasn’t what was *real*, it was, what has meaning.

i asked sarah yesterday, how many people in our lives can we really have deep conversations with? very few. i have so many good people in my life. but in some ways my soul is starving. i want to be able to talk with someone on a deeper level. i want to show my full range of colors, my full size of spirit. i remember years ago, a reader once told me that he felt i had more colors in my emotional spectrum than he had names for. is there someone out there who also has such a range of colors and could understand me? i feel my husband accepts me. but is there someone out there who can understand my full depth? my favorite recurring dreams are when i spoke for hours with the man with the olive skin until i woke up and i would feel as though i spent the whole night up talking.

if i reach for the moon and it turns out to be a paper lantern, it could potentially burn my house down.

i wish i could clone myself. split myself so one half could continue on, in the world in which i’m a pillar. another where i would dedicate my life to making him feel loved and understood. in that world, i hope he feels the same for me.

i would hug you for the rest of your life.

Rosemary’s baby

was born with grey skin

and black, almond eyes

that didn’t blink.

The hospital room fell into a hush as

the nurse laid him in her arms.

She held him to her breast

his skin cool

his tiny heart beating strong.

She named him Abel.

Rosemary’s baby.

He wasn’t right.

His arms grew long.

He never had hair.

His eyes were unnerving.

He still didn’t blink.

At night he would crawl into her bed.

She held his cool wiry body to hers.

He never did learn to speak.

Everything he had to say

he said through his eyes.

Rosemary’s baby, was not of this world.

He had the potential to one day reveal all the earth’s secrets

once he understood how to communicate.

But there was no chance this child would survive.

His difference made the people angry.

what is lonely?

being an old soul is lonely.

you will be called crazy.

being intelligent is lonely.

you will be called stupid.

being kind is lonely.

people infected with anger will make it a sport to destroy your faith in humanity.

being good is lonely.

it may seem many in this world walk within their own dream, acting out old wounds and scripts.

you become a character in their movie, until you wake up and say, that’s not me.

being awake is lonely.

sometimes you see a spark in someone else.

a stirring in their eyes.

a feeling of knowing.

you approach, your heart wide open.

most run away.

the terrified ones call you crazy or stupid.

and you remember, the world is a lonely place.

as you keep searching for signs of life.

and that was after prolonged exposure to the nothingness he felt when left to his own thoughts.

We tend to forget that Saturn is not only about lessons and responsibilities, but great rewards (often material) for work done well.

some things i’m just not allowed to tell people. because they have to come to the same place on their own.

i feel like sarah has a memory of me telling her the meaning behind paper lanterns. but i have forgotten. sometimes i speak from a different place.

i thought about it and i think it has to do with the moon. for those who were lonely growing up and felt drawn to the moon, there was a certain spiritual hug it provided. that somewhere out there, someone was listening. someone saw you. someone loved you. someone cared for you. and maybe you even spoke to it, if not outloud, then in your heart, and even though it could not speak back, you felt someone was there. perceiving.

and i think in life sometimes you think you’ve found it, that person who is the moon and was there for you, all those nights you felt scared, alone, desperate. you think they’re going to hold you the way you need, to envelope the world and make you feel so safe, forever.

and then you reach out, your spirit laughing/crying/dying at your knees and your arms spread so open and you say, remember me, and this moment to you is the absolute proof of magic in this world. and then they turn with their cold blank eyes, with no recognition.

that’s what i meant by paper lanterns. they are very confusing.

but i will admit, it’s hard to tell. because your childheart’s desperate search to hug the moon will never cease.

i turned to my favorite teammate as we were stretching.

is your birthday in february?

yes it is, she said.

i knew you were an aquarius, i said. you’re quirky AF.

she’s so weird and i want to love her but i also feel like she’s prickly. and seeing as i recently had an encounter with a cactus, i’m afraid to get too close to prickly things.

but she did let me help her with her hamstring. at least she knows my intentions are good.

yesterday hannah wrote me to thank me for feeding her flame. i was happy she remembered what i told her. i had no idea if she meant it when she said she would remember.

she had no idea i had a package for her already en route.

today she wrote me saying she opened the box and felt her heart when she saw the blue flame artwork.

see, hannah is a little hot-headed aries. but she can be as cold as ice. so i told her, blue is the hottest part of the flame. while the other parts of the fire rage out of control, blue stays focused, centered, like a laser. the blue flame is too hot to handle, too cold to hold. be the blue flame.

i spent months looking for a visual representation for her to meditate on. and when i saw this, i knew it was hannah. because, the butt. hannah’s butt is ridiculous.