Echo

Dessert

(cuz Tomorrow Never Dies was so influential. I wanted the Beamer. I wanted to be Michelle Yeoh)

we are all made of stars

such a good video.

Confession

I have been struggling through Tolle’s New Earth, but it’s driving me crazy that he’s villainizing the word, ego. I understand it’s because people need to understand themselves as greater consciousness before they can reflect on their human existence from this perspective. He wants to make sure they get the first step…I assume that’s why the writing’s circular and repetitive. But on a realistic level, you can’t just get rid of the ego because it’s doorway that keeps us connected to this world and this level of life, at least this collective projection of it. It’s kind of a silly notion, like saying you’re going to not have a nose anymore. The problem is when the ego is hampering instead of expanding, when the mirror’s reflection believes it’s the person, or never knew it was a reflection in the first place. As long as we know which is which, and the greater self lives by the greater rules of consciousness, everything’s balanced. But to say the problem of consciousness is the need to beware the ego is not precise. Just like guns don’t kill people, egos alone aren’t destroying the world. It’s how beings are using their egos, or how dysfunctional egos have taken over beings. It’s in that relationship, and then the relationship with the world around them. The ego’s a powerful energy source. It defines how we project into this world. Balanced, it can be the source of great power. Misguided, it falls into the dynamics of the primitive illusions of this world. This book has been hard for me to read because I believe this is a positive book that gives people an opening, but it’s doing a huge disservice by creating a stigma on the word “ego.”

So here’s the thing.

You see the future event. You know that if you walk there, it’s as good as real. But when you ask yourself, if I can just step into that future snapshot as though through a mirror and be at this event having traversed time, would I give up the experience of all that time just to arrive quickly at a happy landmark, you would be a fool to say yes. Even if it meant putting that snapshot in danger of you not getting there, or not getting there in time.

Every moment can count if you make it.

The engineer from North Carolina was laughing, but not in a mean way. Amused and caught off guard.

“So what you just said is that you used to be afraid of serial killers, but now you hope if you meet one, he’d find you too interesting to kill.”

I guess it does sound funny, but I meant it. It was the only way I could make peace with this fear.

“Yeah, I used to be so concerned with them. Just having the wrong person fixate on you and for no reason, want to hurt you. But now I just think there are so many people in this world, each really only doing things for their own reasons, so I hope that even if I met someone who had a lot of dark thoughts, they would find me intriguing enough to leave me alone because they’d be curious in what I end up doing with my life.”

“I would be interested in knowing what you do with your life.”

“So would I.”

Dear Louc,
The legacy of the 11’s continues. That 11 and 9. How connected they are. How much they need each other. That night, by the candles, it began with you. True, I was wary of you, the way I am wary of everyone. I still am. My definition of stranger feels endless. But what you showed me in the reflection of those dark pools lit by flame, has been the star I have followed.

You know that I could never give you that spot next to me, but instead of being angry at me for it, you still sat by me for a little while. You gave me something without demanding something back. You know that if the situation were reversed, I would have done the same for you and never hoped for anything outside of kindness. And I am still unraveling the distances you’ve helped me travel. Thank you for being my friend.

Last night I dreamed that my cousin gave me his car to drive. It’s a very nice car, a heavy car, and I was very anxious in it because I wanted to be careful. He called me from my car. I apologized and told him my car’s technology sucked but its acceleration was good. He told me the thing to know about his car, was that the number on the screen reflects exactly who the caller is.

Inside my dream, I wondered why he was telling me, assuming that the numbers on Caller ID would always correspond correctly. Then I remembered when I first got my car, it was never correct. It would flash one random name but be someone else.

I woke up before sunrise. This was the first time I’ve woken up so early since that first time the boat docked here. It had been an electrical night. The dream had consumed me.

The message followed me around all day like a shadow.

the numbers will reflect correctly the people.

i do not like standing on fences.

Demetri Martin’s one of my favorite comics, not only for his first-rate Gemini mind, his sparkling Gemini eyes and wit, and his incisive take on perspective and irony, but because he’s got mad ambidextrous artistic and musical skills. He and I could never date. But we’d be great homies. We would make more than the average number of grown men cry. 73% chance we make each other cry.

Check out this clip from his show, Important Things:

like a bolt of lightning, out of the blue…

I spent a couple of hours on the phone tonight telling Rie about the psychology of the people of Seattle. This is my city, but these aren’t my people. I was thinking today how much longer I can take it here before it starts to wear on me. I can see why I needed to be strong in so many ways before I took on Seattle.

In a nutshell, it’s like this. People are very clique-y. There is some self-perpetuating wound that’s deep-rooted in the collective social psyche here and I can’t see the cause exactly (I think it has to do with many factors…the climate, the founding industries, a diverse city that doesn’t “mix,” etc that has compounded into an urban social climate), but I deal with the bottom line. The bottom line is that in a way, people are so afraid of being judged for not being “normal” and doing the right things, that they themselves become very defensive and judgmental. So, because they are so afraid of being judged, they project their fears and negative emotions judgmentally. I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had where people act like I’ve rejected them when I’ve been perfectly open and nice. And then because they’re acting like the conversation has gone sour, it effectively ends a conversation that didn’t have to end. And then when I point it out, they seemed confused, as though waking from a dream whose memory holds some slight that never occurred in actual reality.

I was telling Rie that I know I came here to self-induce a bit of a depression through isolation, a way of getting my deeper juices flowing but without sacrificing perspective. I know that the negative ways people have treated me have nothing to do with me and the person I am–it’s their projections speaking. I try to not even hold these things personally against people (I think of it as a product of their fear and/or unconsciousness, not necessarily who they are as a person). I do tell her that it’s frustrating that this city is so unconscious and mean. The fact that I was told yesterday that people honk at me in traffic because I have a nice car with California plates and “people in Washington hate Californians,” is just…disappointing.

But then randomly, I get a message from this guy, Chilly. We’d worked together at the comedy club in Amsterdam…I’d only met him a couple of times before he moved back to Brazil…we’d only small-talked, he was very nice and always helpful, but we’d never really gotten to know each other. We’re linked on Facebook though, and every once in a while, he’ll comment on my updates. I remember being surprised because he’d never mentioned a girlfriend or anything, but shortly after he left Amsterdam, he got married. I knew another guy like that. It’s like you know them in a work context, and you forget that there’s an entire private world behind them.

So I was feeling kind of irritated with the people here, why they are missing the bigger picture, when Chilly writes:

you know… this isn’t meant to be a compliment…nor is it meant to flatter you in any way…. I believe people who are kick ass ought to be told so… so this is more of a testimonial.. hah.. well ….. you really make me smile… you make …me happy, just by being yourself… note that we don’t really talk much… But I’m glad we’ve met and that i know someone so kick ass… it makes me happy to know that somewhere in the world a person like you exists… you’re the type of person who renews my faith in humanity…
You’re…
Independent, fun, funny, and a whole list of (positive) adjectives…

Keep up the good work on being yourself and having everyone around you happy and smiling like the way you make me feel… =]

*****

Wow! Unexpected, so sweet and such good timing. We really don’t know each other that well and we really don’t talk. It was a really nice thing to put into my world. I wrote back that his message made my day and I would definitely pay the good will and positivity forward. These kinds of things are blessings. It’s all a circle. Faith. Inspiration. Positivity. Good will. Good things go back and forth, building greater things. Bad things go back and forth until people get so punch drunk that they start wanting good things. I like circulating good things. When bad things come, you just have to do your best to be conscious and let them pass through you and out into space. Let it go. You can’t take it on. Otherwise, it goes back into the circle and becomes everyone’s problem.

lordy don’t leave me
all by myself.

People often ask me what I do for a living. I feel that what someone does for a living is sometimes different from what someone does for money. What I do for a living is try to make the world a better place, one connection at a time. Dropping knowledge. Peace, understanding, compassion, truth, hope, reflection. Every connection, every person, every moment is different. What is needed is what defines, and I’m lucky in that through these connections, I learn many things myself as well. But really, it’s about giving. Time and depth. I find awe and beauty in big things and small, inspire people when their eyes get cloudy, they inspire me by being inspired. I hope they pay it forward. I’m a realistic person who can see positive potential, and I’m tireless with communicating it to people when they are willing to listen. I am willing to give that, to put a great deal of energy and myself into it in that moment, if it means it might make a positive difference.

What I do for money? Nothing. Little things. It balances out for me. I tend to have what I need when I focus on my random connections. I used to think I had to make my way like everyone else. Now I find, that my life works out better when I do this work, when in my wanderings, I have these strange but beautiful connections. Living. Being. Creating change. Inspiring. Comforting. Believing in people when they sometimes don’t believe in themselves. And knowing that we are beautiful, eternal spirits who sometimes get lost in illusion, but by becoming conscious of our true selves, we help the universe become conscious of itself…these are the things I live for. These are what define living for me.

david gray, nov 5th. a 9 day. i’m so happy about that. like looking forward to a meeting with an old friend. he has a way of bringing me to tears, in a good way.

moby was amazing tonight. i couldn’t wait to hear extreme ways, which he played in the encore. it was the song that kept me strong and got me through my time in amsterdam, when it became a matter of survival. to hear it now, reminds me how far i’ve come.

i had to close down everything
i had to close down my mind
too many things to cover me
too much can make me blind
i’ve seen so much in so many places
so many heartaches,
so many faces
so many dirty things
you couldn’t believe

“Why do you go to the garden?” he asked.

“I don’t know that many places in this city yet, but there are a few places I know. They’re personal landmarks, in a way. Safe places. So I go there sometimes, spend time, see if there’s anyone looking for me.”

“Like people who know you?”

“Not exactly. Strangers usually. People seem to have a way of finding me when they need to talk to me.”

I’ve been waiting all night to ask…
Do these meet somewhere, these dreams?
Are they memories?
Or are they really the unrealities of my mind?

In my dreams last night, I was looking for my pants.
Or maybe I was looking for yours…
I don’t remember.

“If you know the guy’s game so well, tell me what’s the secret to a woman’s game?”

This guy was a lower vibrating one. Quite douchie. Asian–I wish I hadn’t made that comment about Asians not approaching me, because that probably made this meeting inevitable. This one was sadly cheesy, though I will not punish a whole category of men for his ignorance. But, clearly, he was never going to understand me.

“A strong woman knows that the secret to a woman’s game, is to have no game.”

His brow creases. He gets irritated when he gets frustrated.

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Does it not make sense, or do you just not understand it?”

“You’re basically saying that a woman’s game is to have no game, but by going out of your way to have no game and act aloof, is still a game.”

“Of course, if you’re going out of your way to be aloof. By resisting the game, is to still be playing the game. The key is, to not even engage in the game.”

“That still doesn’t make any sense. I don’t agree with you.”

“Then we’ll agree to disagree.”

“Fair enough,” he said, but I can tell he’s irritated. I’m nice enough not to point out the fact that he was here was proof of what I said. I don’t engage in the game. I go over or under any false pretenses that any man presents when he approaches me. I let the men approach me, thinking it was their idea when what really draws them is a curiosity as to why I’m not “in it.” I’d ignored all of his “lines” and “ploys” and talked to him like a human being. And because of it, he hadn’t been able to put me on tilt. He had no hold on me. In the context of the game, he was failing to dominate. In the context of real life, he was engaged in an illusion, a projection, and I was watching him the way one watches a dog chase its tail, careful to not engage and get bit.

“Do you agree that the key for the man’s game is to take advantage of a woman’s insecurities?” he had asked me earlier. He said it like he hoped it would shock and offend me.

“Of course,” I’d said. ” That’s the most effective way. But it’s in your genes. It’s like why hunters go to watering holes. A deer is most vulnerable while it’s eating or drinking water. The hunter is taking advantage of a vulnerability to increase his chances of the kill. In a bar, a man is looking for the vulnerabilities of a woman, whether she has it inherently, or he creates it via her insecurities. It’s a strategy geared to increase his chances of success.”

But if a woman can see a man trying to use negative tactics to his advantage, then she should immediately know: 1. the kind of person he is; 2. the level of his own insecurities; 3. his intentions.

The game speaks for itself. As does its players.

The rewards occur between those who don’t engage, and talk to each other like equal, powerful human beings. Through conscious recognition, it becomes a natural filtering system for quality control.

the truth is, i haven’t met anyone here who has moved me or even impressed me.

addendum:

I am many things to many people. And to many people, I am things I am not.

i went to a micro-roaster and let the barista order for me. it was a rainy day, and he said i looked like a small americano, for here. the coffee was excellent. i sat outside at a table under the awning so i could watch the rain.

a man named dion invited himself to sit next to me, and over the next 3 hours, talked to me about his life–being in a gang as a kid, being thrown in jail for 3 months for a false accusation of robbing a transvestite prostitute in hollywood, a charge which was finally dropped when the case against him fell apart after the facts didn’t corroborate and the real criminals were arrested.

he tells me about his time in the navy, and how he sees that the political climate between things brewing in the middle east (Iran, Israel, etc), and the unreadiness of the US government will lead to a world war within the next 2 years. he talks about religious fanatics, how they ran our country for too long, and now we’ll all pay. he talks about how we are losing our freedoms as a society when you see all the homeless people on the street and how each generation is so used to it, that there is a growing rift of indifference to our fellow man.

he’s an intelligent man, but very focused on the negative.

i ask him what he feels his purpose is, to create awareness, or to create openings for solutions. he says to create awareness and solutions. i tell him that it is true, most people are sheep. many make more decisions out of fear or emotionality than out of rationality or knowing what is most likely to yield a best case scenario. it’s the human condition–we are emotional creatures who are not particularly comfortable with change. that it is important for people in the world to serve in creating awareness, but he has to be careful of learned helplessness.

sun tzu in the art of war said to always leave your opponents a golden bridge to retreat across, because desperate men will fight the hardest. the same, you can make people aware of negative, realistic problems in our society, but you have to give them room to believe in a potential to work for a solution, no matter how bleak.

you have to be always conscious of your purpose of communication–he had complained of the bush administration’s tactics to use fear to manipulative conservative voters. but the way he had been communicating, was also using fear. as he told me of the alarming factors in the political landscape that points to war and the decline of the united states, i pointed out factors that would need to be addressed and ways the social climate was becoming more aware; that there were changes–that sometimes, society takes a step back before taking two steps forward in evolution. but he would go back to the doomsday scenario rather than discuss these. most people, when you trigger a fear reaction in them for the sake of triggering a fear reaction, they feel cornered and will scratch at anything to not be in that corner, even if that includes rejecting the speaker and what has been spoken, throwing out the baby with the bathwater. there are some serious problems that many people are not aware of and these problems will inherently be uncomfortable to face, but if you communicate it to people in a way that these problems need to be solved, even if the problem is complex and the solution is not immediately evident, it at least opens a potential for positivity in the face of unwanted realistic facts. to make them feel that the negative is inevitable, really excludes any positive outcome of the interaction.

i get it. i am focused on making people aware of the problems. but once i make people aware, i need to push them towards an active moment, he said.

i was impressed.

that’s a great way to put it, i said. i couldn’t have put it in any better way.

from that point the way he spoke changed. he told me he likes to “fuck with” people who are closed-minded and who are ignorant, but he sees that with people who are more open-minded or willing, he could get more by getting them onboard to at least realizing that our country has problems, but also by thinking about how each person, even if just by being more conscious, can contribute to a solution.

it’s about the bottom line, i said. it’s steps. you’re very good about the analysis. you have an idea of an outcome that collectively we don’t want. so you’re motivated to create awareness of the problem because it’s true–most people are unaware of what’s going on politically/socially because we have untrustworthy media and it’s hard to put together what’s going on. but remember, once people are aware, then what? what do you want? always know your purpose a few steps ahead, and everything else falls into place. if you ultimately want us to not give up complete control to our government which would infringe on our freedom, then this would require citizens to be more aware of our government, to start change and reform from the bottom up. the first step is awareness, and the second step is making people believe that they have the power, at the very least, by living more consciously, to actively create positive change. and then you are passing your intentions positively forward. if your bottom line is you want to see positive changes, don’t manipulate negative emotions. let your passion for positive action light a fire under people. you won’t awaken everyone, many won’t even be able to hear you out of fear, but those who do, will pass it forward. The seeds of change take place one conversation at a time, one connection at a time, and never, ever underestimate the powerful alignment of words and intention.

today i am humbled. i am alive and well. my heart is overflowing with love for the universe and everyone in it. a big smile and a beam of light into the sky.