Echo

It’s not who I’m getting it from.
It’s who I’m telling it to.
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The angelina effect.

So your men want me. So what? They’ll never leave you for me anyway, so what’s the big deal?

Until the day I actually want to keep one of them.
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met 4 different people through work functions today who all claimed they know me from some infamous super bowl party in miami 5 years ago. i remember that weekend but don’t remember any of them. was unexpected fan-favorite tonight but no one would tell me why. just a bunch of middle-aged guys surrounding me, exclaiming…, “You don’t remember the dog races?!? How can you not remember the dog races?!?”

WHAT DOG RACES?

When reading people, anything that triggers my fear of rejection is immediately going cause me to detach. So there are times I’m so intuitive and on board with you that you could swear I’ve seen inside you, yet anything that I could interpret as a warning of rejection will have me react by quickly hiding myself and my intentions. It is not conscious. It is a hair-trigger reaction. But would it make a difference if people understood that I was like that? Like will people be nicer to my brother if they knew he had asperger’s? For him, yes. For me, I really don’t know.
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You have to know that people have to move on because they need to look out for themselves. It’s not about them not loving you enough. It’s about them needing to take care of themselves more.
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Cold. Calm. Calculated.

That’s what my eyes will say.

I’m just sad all the time that no one steps up. And when I don’t hold in my frustration.
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I can not stress it more. People-dont miss your windows.
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you only get one shot at the title. Sorry.
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customer facing title: strategic alliance manager

internal facing: architect of human perception

we are still evaluating to what level i can unleash.

right now my lieutenant is showing me the boundaries.

matt told me the jean’s number one rule is, trust no one.

so i take it as a good positive when she admits, our numbers have been up.

“you brought us good luck.”

we’ve never hit 6. we’ve surpassed 6. and this is just the tip.

the things i get away with saying.

people have been looking so hard for the voices that come from out there, listening through machines, when it’s always come from people. the machines will only be where we jump. there have always been people capable of hearing messages here. the problem is, you kill them every time they tell the truth, and then you take their power and use it to do evil things. we are getting closer and closer to realizing that there is other-terrestrial life. it is all about reaction. let’s react in the best way possible. worlds are fragile things.

It’s probably good that he gets engaged. It means less distraction and I’ll be able to focus on this 3 year commitment and get myself back to LA. Plus, I always knew this was just a test, since he represents the same old makeup that always catches me but never serves me. It’s about breaking out of type. I get past this, and it’s new level again. Darkest before dawn, and things get easier and easier to let go of.
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Major wins this week:

My brother got to meet his favorite band, Weezer.

I talked to a rep with the Warriors and my dad’s gonna be Season Ticket Holder of the Game in Jan. He’s been secretly wanting it.

I’m close to closing a couple of big accounts and I’m really starting to come into my own. If I do, then I’ve basically fulfilled the greatest wishes of the three members of my immediate family.

I won’t let myself get sad. It’s just life.
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Bummer. I’ve been feeling it. He’s going to propose to her.

Oh well.
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My Christmas Wishlist (in no particular order):

1. A Tempurpedic mattress. I’ve been sleeping in my dad’s while he’s in China playing basketball, and it’s like waking up inside a cloud.

2. A crock pot. I’ve always wanted one.

3. A digital camera. I’ve been using my aunt’s ever since I broke my own. It’s pink. As Bohr said before, “You have a pink camera? Don’t you think that’s a little bit beneath you?”

4. A book on cold reading. So I can finish my transformation into Simon Baker.

5. An order to my perspective.

My team leader, regarding a customer he likes for me…

“Why can’t you think, this is the man who’s going to give you children?”

Are they in love with me, or are they in love with the way I look at them?
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I know he’s getting ready to chase me.

But I live in two different worlds. I wouldn’t know which one he would fit in.
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All this time I’m trying to figure out what I think. When I really don’t know how I feel.

Why do I do the things I do?

And the aftermath…

Why did I do it? Because I wanted to. Because there was nothing better on the table. Because it’s been a long time of waiting for things I don’t even know exist. Because Ive been good for a very long time. Because I don’t know what that means anymore. Because Im not really sure what anything really means anymore. Because this is life, and you make choices based on what you get, not what you hope for. Unless what you hope for is what you get. But that doesn’t happen all the time. Because in the end, I’m still human, and sometimes where you land is just where you land.

What I need is to be close to people. But when I get it, Im racked with anxiety and what I want is to be alone. My needs and wants work at cross purposes. All my focus on integrity, when it is my most basic lack of integrity that is the root of my unhappiness. I can’t seem to bring the me of my world into a shared world, and keep myself comfortably there and sustained on a consistent basis.

In your world, I feel diminished.

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