Echo

These are two of the funniest guys I know. One is Batman and the other has a heart of gold.

I’m pretty sure he says “the Hispanic guy from the Oriface.”

Watch!

trust.

how can you ever completely trust anyone when no person completely knows another, especially considering a person’s own inner universe is so expansive that they can never even completely know themselves outside of an overwhelming hunch?

trust is really faith.

but how to know which people really deserve faith?

or is faith the necessity because there’s really no alternative…

do you take a person’s word for it, their life story and its sum, even though you know that their word is not necessarily a reflection of their personal truth?

i don’t believe in saints on earth. just flawed human beings doing their best to make sense of their worlds, some who try harder than others to set good examples.

i’m thankful for rie.

my mom used to always comment that in life, to even have one close friend whom you could tell anything to and trust with anything, is a great blessing. she’s always believed that rie is this for me, and i’ve always been grateful for having her in my life.

i got off the plane and decided to call her. she’d been in japan and i couldn’t remember exactly when she’d be back, but she was home, so i drove the couple of hours to lodi to spend time with her and eric.

it’s good to be around people who are familiar, and to be able to say things that you otherwise wouldn’t say. and as i heard myself say things, a great sadness came over me.

i don’t like to cry in front of people outside of watching movies, but in my own private space, i try to never repress emotion. i think it’s healthy to let them flow through you, since they are as much a part of you as everything else. and so the 2am drive home featured some intense emotions and thoughts.

there are so many things that people can say, “that’s just life.” but at the end of the day, you have to try to make your life your life. and if i know what i want, a life dedicated to discovering and uncovering knowledge, then i think that while my life may not be conventional, i can’t give up that passion even if others try to pin their own expectations or hopes and dreams onto me.

my rule of anything in my life has always been…does something bring me more clarity, or more complication?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/migrationtemp/1534441/Scientists-create-self-healing-robot.html

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24966666/?GT1=43001

Love it.

The taxi is coming to get me in less than an hour. I’m so relieved to be going home. I won’t completely relax until I’m in my house, in my bed. And then outside of the handful of people I’m willing to talk to right now…blissful meditative solitude.

I want to let you know that I really could use someone to talk to right now. I feel like there’s something that’s in my head that’s really gotten loud, but there’s no one I can talk to about it. I’m not letting it affect me in that the thoughts and emotions come and go and I let it flow through me like water in a creek, while I’m the surrounding mountain that remains steadfast and peaceful, but I wonder if I would gain more clarity if I had someone outside of myself to bounce this off of so it’s not completely self-contained.

It’s a tricky subject though, and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it to even my closest friends. I need someone objective, non-judgmental and with no ulterior motive. It almost makes me want to see a therapist just to talk about this specific thing, but I’ve always found therapists to be either not effective or having their own egos or motives speaking too loudly in a session. The last time I even tried, it was that guy who was trying to present himself as some sort of mystical guru, and then when I pulled things out of his head, he wanted me to tell him about him. I opened his head to prove that he wasn’t being truthful and it wasn’t fooling me, and then he turned it into a psychic session for him which just really proved he was wildly unprofessional. He didn’t have the guts to bill me, because if he had, I would have been very honest about who and what he is.

Not all therapists are true healers or sages, which is sad because a lot of people put their vulnerability and trust in their hands. Certain abilities are blessings, and with power come responsibilities. You don’t abuse a blessing no matter how intoxicating the temptation is.

I guess it’ll work itself out. I’ll either find someone I can talk to, or I’ll figure it out. Or the situation will work itself out. I just keep taking the steps I need to take as they become clear, and hope for the best, but I definitely would be really grateful if you did decide to send me someone to talk to.

I think I was kind of a jackass growing up, in that I didn’t “get it.” I was super naive to the eggshell dance that is the law of social graces, this fearful way of living that creates a list of how people behave and present themselves towards one another, so everyone is in agreement of what can be expected of each other.

I didn’t understand exactly how to fit in, that it was polite to coast under the radar of society and appear “normal,” or how to be appropriate and acceptable, certain to offend no one. My mom told me yesterday that when I younger, I used to win at everything, and it would embarrass her because it would upset the other kids and piss their parents off which to her chagrin, I didn’t seem to notice. So she would yell at me and tell me to let other kids win, sometimes not letting me participate unless we’d agreed upon what I was going to do and at what level. I vaguely remember an Easter egg hunt when I was 5 when I was proud for getting the most candy because I was quick and I was fast, but my mom was mad and made me give it all away except for one piece. I didnt understand why at the time, only that I must have broken some kind of rule but no one ever explained the rule. I think on top of immigrant issues or whatever, my mom just didn’t want to piss other parents off. It’s such an Asian thing, to be ashamed of being too good. That was probably one of my earliest lessons in the human ego, how you have to be careful of it as offending an ego in the wrong way creates resentment at best and throughout history, has started wars at worst. I view ego is one of humanities greatest (and most dangerous) challenges, and am personally, always trying to be careful if something within me is motivated by ego. Confidence is good. Ego is the need for domination out of insecurity or a feeling of lack.

I think the most honest life is one that emanates somewhere within the internal balance of positive intentions, an awareness of the collective which you are a part of and interconnected with, and a commitment to live a life based on the expression of the unique truth of who you are.
I think that when you find that your life and interactions are actually the results of “reactions,” either reacting to what someone has done or said or what you perceive, of feelings of insecurity or negativity, or of an ego desire or injury, there’s an underlying sense of imbalance and anxiety.

The strongest and calmest position in life I’ve found is to reach a place of true inner integrity and balance, with a trust in yourself that from this position, you will be able to positively handle the challenges that come to you externally.

As I hang in the balance between all that has collectively brought me to where I am, and the new era which lays before me, I want to share two pieces of knowledge that I came into this world with which I have known deep throughout the core of my being, knowledge that has been with me since even my earliest conscious memories. I think the two are left brain/right brain, logical/intuitive expressions of the same concept, a definition of the universe.

1. What is infinity small is the same as what as infinitely large. Micro or macro, whichever way we choose to search, we will eventually find the same thing. Everything is circular and what is in exact absolute opposition resides in the same place. There is a place where everything that exists expands so completely, that it all exists in one tiny dot of being.

2. My first visual memory is of a faucet. From this faucet comes one tiny, perfect drop of water which is so small, yet as I look into it, it inverts and it encompasses everything, including the faucet, me and everything in the universe beyond, yet without ceasing to be a single drop of water. I used to see this image before I fell asleep as a kid, and it would drive me crazy because it didn’t make logical sense that this drop of water was both a small object in the world, yet it was itself, everything around it and also the entire world..everything. It would twist my brian, but intuitively, I knew what I was seeing was true and explained everything. I tried to explain this vision once to a classmate when I was 9, and she gave me such a look of disdain and called me “weird” with such disgust and venom, that I never told anyone about it again. I knew it was important knowledge, that it was real. But I didn’t know why no one else seemed to know it, too.

And then recently, I read a quote from the Indian poet, Kabir:

All know that the drop merges into to the ocean, but few know that the ocean merges into the drop.

That just confirmed it for me, that in an ancient time, someone who had knowledge had also understood the same thing that I’ve spent my adult life trying to find a million languages to communicate so people will understand themselves. It’s the truth. I think deep down, no matter how we visualize it or express it or even how we come to it, we know it because it’s where we come from and what we are.

We can be as bad as we want, or as good as we want. It doesn’t change the fact that we’re still connected.

I just explained to David what the term “blue balls” means while sitting next to some monks at Starbuck’s.

Okay, so I’m going home early, taking a flight on Wed instead of Sunday. I can feel it in every part of me…the physical stiffness and awkwardness in my body, the whine of anxiety in my chest, the confusion and irritation in my mind, the tension nightmares. This is not where I’m supposed to be right now.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate an opportunity to travel and that I’m not grateful for my opportunities. It’s just that this isn’t the right time for this trip, and I’m really here as a favor to my family but truthfully, this is not where I’m supposed to be right now. I should be in my home base, resting and preparing. All I’m doing is eating and sleeping through the days and nights, trying to stay centered and generate the energy needed to communicate with who and what I’m supposed to be communicating but it’s difficult because I’m not where I’m supposed to be so it’s like trying to do your work remotely on a faulty wifi connection. Everything around me and inside of me is screaming that I’m out of sync and need to get back. So I called the airline figuring if it’s too much trouble, I would stay, but in a 5 minute phone call and without having to pay extra, I was able to change my ticket. I knew it was the right decision when relief instantly washed over me. And now I’m just biding my time until Wednesday.

Taiwan is a great place otherwise, though I just feel completely out of sync right now. It’s like watching a movie and all of a sudden, the main characters disappear and all it is is thousands and thousands of extras and you realize, something’s not right…what happened to the movie?

I’m falling asleep at random times, but it’s not so much sleep in terms of resting or escaping, but almost deep trance-like states. I’m dreaming almost immediately, even though a part of me is aware of what’s going on around me…I can hear the conversations of people in the room, I can hear TV’s, I’m aware of what’s going on. Yet, I’m also in this dream world.

In these “dreams,” I’m exploring places and looking for people. I’m waking them up and telling them, it’s almost time. I see people who are sad or are filled with doubt, and I am touching them gently on the shoulder and telling them to stand up. Sometimes, I show them projections…they’re almost intellectual projections that show them religion through time, how man’s strive for spirituality has been manipulated and distorted through organized religion by handfuls of unscrupulous men who were desperate for power, when God belongs to each and every one of us because God is everywhere and God is everything and God is every one of us. There is no seperation between what is God, or the Universe, or whatever name you want to call him/her/It/That, and the energy that surrounds us and animates us. God is love. Positive energy. The transcendental lifeforce that with our lives and our good intentions, we honor, and with malicious intent, we destroy. People have wasted thousands of years and thousands of lives fighting over what to name this force, but it’s the most ridiculous of disagreements that only sidetracks our collective focus. Everything that a person seeks, we already have access to if we let go of fear or doubt and rise up to accept it and us. These projections that I show people in my dreams are images, almost like mirages, yet within them are all these ideas that don’t need to be spoken, so that it’s almost a whole conversation conjured up in a vision. And in the dreams, people understand. Because we are all connected, and deep down, Truth is something we all know. It’s time we let go of the lie that destiny is in the hands of others or at the whim of uncontrollable forces, and realize that with acceptance of who and what we are, come unity and strength and an ability to recognize truth and love and a person’s righteous path, and in accepting our connection to each other and the greater entity to which we all belong, we’ll find that really, so much of this struggle of life is really an illusion and beyond that, are the things that really matter.

For me, there is no greater power than love, and for me, there is no separation between God and love and the energy that is the lifeforce of every being, and that’s what I’m always trying to explain so that people understand. It’s knowledge they have within themselves; there’s nothing extraordinary about me. We all come from the same place so we all have the potential for awareness. I do realistically know that not all human beings are sapient or aware, and this can make them dangerous, which is why those who are enlightened have a certain responsibility. We are only as strong as our most ignorant point of consciousness.

I don’t claim to connect closely with everyone outside of a fundamental respect for people and an understanding that we are part of the same collective being, but for those who are closer to me, those in my “group soul,” or in my psychic phone tree so to speak, I think we’re getting to the point where it’s very important that we start waking each other up, especially those of us who are powerful reality projectors, because there’s something happening, and it’s important for people to remember who we are and what we’re really about, and sort themselves out so that they are powerfully projecting life energies filled with positivity, love and strength.

I really feel it’s important right now, and we could really make some wide-reaching positive changes if we can stand up and work together now. There is a door opening.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24890316/wid/11915829?GT1=40006

soon…

this monkey’s gone to heaven…

http://www.iht.com/articles/2008/05/29/healthscience/brain.php

i’m in the final lap.

june 14, 2008 = 3 = emergence

after that, everything changes. so if you have anything to say or anything you want to know, speak now while this door is open or forever hold your peace.

landed in taiwan yesterday and i can already tell this is a mistake. i was the closest i’ve ever been to a 4-pack…in fact, i was 2 lbs below my driver’s license weight which i haven’t been at since i first passed my driving test at 16…and now i come to the gluttony capital of the world. well, maybe 2nd only to memphis.

we took the 1:30am flight out of san francisco, and then were served two meals on the plane which i tried to sleep through but michael was kind enough to wake me up for. he knows whatever i don’t eat, he gets to spear off my tray so he was making damn sure i was getting served. we landed at 6am taipei time and my mom already had the first 3 meals planned.

we went to the usual place that sells all things greasy and started out with some chinese donuts (those fried sticks) which i won’t eat, egg tortillas, grilled daikon cakes, pot stickers, scallion buns and sweetened soymilk. this set the thre of us back a total of about $5. we walked by a place selling scallion pancakes, but they griddled it on an egg with basil and hot sauce. i think those almost made the trip alone, but again, i could feel all my hard work and determination in striving for this 4-pack slipping through my greasy fingers.

my mom wanted to take us to the hospital to get checked out because it’s cheap here. she wanted me to get my shoulder checked out but i really don’t trust the doctors here, considering i barely trust anyone who’s not a specialist in the states, and not without a 2nd opinion. but this is what happens when you’re born into a family of asian hypochondriacs, so we were all herded into a taxi for a family outing to the hospital, where we all get checked for various things.

first of all, i hate hospitals. i think even if you were otherwise healthy, there’s something about the energy of a hospital that makes people sick. so even if you go in perfectly healthy, if you spend too much time at a hospital, maybe psychosomatically, the place will wear you down. and then, going into an asian hospital, the fact that most of the people are wearing face masks just freaks me out.

it’s like a deli in there. take a number, state your issue and they get you in and out within 5 minutes and the next number pops up on the display. i didn’t like the doctor right away. i told him what hurt and he asked me why i was playing. i ignored him. he tested out my arm and said, this makes it feel like it’s going to pop out, right? i think all this talk that i’d really hurt my arm had me babying it so i was afraid his twisting would hurt, but i realized, no it actually felt stable. i said no, and he asked me if i was sure. i said yes. he did it harder and the only thing that hurt was the deltoid, and when i told him, he said, that can’t be, like i was lying to him and it was the most absurd thing i could have said to him. and i said, well, when it dislocated, the muscle was really sore afterwards and it’s been less than a week since it happened so it makes sense that the muscle would still be sore. he asked me if it hurt in the front and he pushed harder. it was hurting now because he was pushing so hard and i said, no, it still just hurts in the back.

he twists my left arm and surprisingly, it feels the same, minus the muscle soreness.

then he tells me, the ligament is torn and if i ever want to play sports again, i’ll need surgery.

i thought maybe it was the language barrier because what he was saying was absurd, given he was basing this off an xray and a manipulation test that didn’t show joint instability which would point towards a torn ligament. i asked him to explain and he said the same thing. i told him, you can’t tell a torn ligament from just an xray. you need an mri.

then he backpedals and says, well, what i mean is you need to get an mri. but if you’ve stretched your ligament or have torn it, you’re still going to need surgery, unless you want to just quit sports for the rest of your life.

what? what about the wonders of physical therapy?

i think i started getting angry because again, you can’t tell a torn ligament from just xrays and a manual manipulation test that shows no joint instability. plus, it would also depend on which ligament is torn and there are many options before surgery. and it was bothering me that i knew this and the doctor didn’t seem to.

we went back and forth and then he was saying something about how i should come back when the shoulder specialist was in and i think i was talking to him like i thought he was an idiot and the nurse intervened and i just ejected from the conversation and asked for my slip and left.

i was pretty pissed because you just don’t introduce something like that into someone’s reality because it can manifest. if i have to have surgery, i’ll deal with it, but you can’t throw out a diagnosis that serious if you don’t have the facts. you’re a fucking doctor. be a little more responsible.

i guess after i left, my aunt went looking for me and had talked to the nurse. she found me and was like, the nurse told me you need surgery! fucking idiots.

but the truth is, i’ve been thinking a lot about it and a lot of people have been talking to me about it. i really felt that this injury was a warning. i’ve always been very intense about sports and pushing my body, and while i can get away with it while i’m young, at some point, i’ll pay a price for it when i’m older. i want athletic kids and i want to be able to teach them basketball and play with them, and i know i’m going to be an older mom if i do have kids, so i want to be able to chase after them and not be gimpy.

so i think it’s time to try to get really into yoga and/or pilates, or find some other outlet for my energy. the problem is that if i don’t get it out athletically, it gets funneled into my head and then i’m up all night chattering in there and can’t sleep. the problem really goes like this:

i have a high amount of mars energy. mars is passion/aggression or sex drive. you basically have two ways to get it out.

sex is a complicated matter with me. ideally, i think sex is best with someone i have a certain type of chemistry with, a connection that riles up a certain type of passion within me so that i can release that energy in all its intensity. my energy can be pretty intense. for me, there’s a fine balance of things that make a person sexually attractive to me–a combination of wits, intelligence, physical attractiveness and then that big intangible “thing.” i don’t have a particular type, but when i find someone i’m attracted to, it’s like this buzzing in my head until it hits me like lightning, and i know the sex will be really damn good…the kind where it’s all passion, no seperation between where you end and the other person begins. but the difficult thing is, these types of connections are rare and are either there or not. i can’t manufacture it even if i would really like to get it on the regular. it’s just a matter of finding the right person with this type of connection or if they aren’t around…working out A LOT. i’m also very shy in this respect as i’ll never initiate, but usually the people who can connect with me in this way, have a good feeling that the door is there if they open it. it’s a matter of if they want to though, as this type of a connection is a pretty serious surrender to a greater power beyond two people, so it usually gives men who are control freaks conniptions. i’ve learned even if the sexual attraction is great, not to waste my time with these types of guys and as strong as the pull is, i’ll stay away from them.

on the flipside, in between those connections, i think i was programmed like a man. in times when i’m bored, i can have sex without getting emotionally involved and sometimes once i’ve pursued and gotten it from someone, i’m done. it was really about the pursuit. but being a woman, i recognize that’s not always morally attractive, especially since the men sometimes ge
t emotionally attached, so after a lot of messy entanglements when i was younger, i have a lot more self-control about these things. or i’m careful not to piss in my own pool.

i prefer the former to the latter though.

so often that leaves me with no outlet for this energy, thus my need for athletic activity and physical competition. weeks when my energy level is higher, i have to go to the gym twice a day or i can tell i’ll be up all night. and sometimes i’m doing cardio for over 3 hours and it doesn’t make a dent, though my body is wearing down.

i’ve gotta find a more productive solution for this. the key is balance and i think this injury is a warning to me that i need to find a balance. i can’t have all this energy outletted athletically or i’m going to wear down my body too quickly, and i can’t have it all outletted mentally or i’m going to drive myself crazy with the mental chatter and the insomnia. and i don’t need to go out racking up sexual conquests. i think i really just need to find someone i have that specific connection with and get it on the regular, but not so much that i lose focus on everything else in my life, which sometimes happens. then i’ve gotta balance out that energy in the different areas of my life. i think this is something that’s important for me to figure out right now.

in the meantime, i think i want to come home early. i’m supposed to be here until the 8th, but it just feels too long, especially when i’m going through such an important period of my life and i have a lot of work to do.

you know what pisses me off? when some asshole doctor in a foreign country tells me that i’m done with sports for life unless i have surgery on my shoulder for a torn ligament when he doesn’t even do an mri.

it’s not torn. stretched maybe which i can work with, but not torn.

It’s That Time Again…

Sorry guys. I usually give you advanced warning, but the mercury retrograde is upon us again. The official period is May 26 to June 19th, but if you’re a Gemini or Virgo, look out for its effects a week before and after, so don’t sign any contracts or buy electronics until after June 26th. What does this mean for the new iPhone? I would wait a month until after it drops.

This retrograde occurs in Gemini so it’s going to be particularly hard for Geminis, especially since it starts while many of us are having the sun tour our 12th house, or house of karmic ties, and deep, psychological issues. Basically, the 12th house is our emotional well and our blindspot, so anytime the sun tours that house and illuminates it, it draws our attention to our own unresolved psychological issues, unconscious patterns of thinking, feeling and acting and gives us a chance to release these issues so we can move on with less baggage. A mercury retrograde tends to slow things down as well and cause reflection, so this is a perfect time for Geminis to engage in some self-examination and decide what unresolved issues they can and really should let go before they start the new 12 month cycle. And any Gemini’s who are turning 30 this year (I know a handful of you guys!) we’re setting ourselves not only for an upcoming 12 month cycle, but a 29 year cycle so really take time to reflect in the upcoming weeks!

So as usual, a mercury retrograde affects communication, travel, electronics and agreements. Back up your computers and download any information on your cell phones to your computer. Don’t buy any electronics during this period, and don’t sign any contracts. Electronics bought during a retrograde usually have some kind of defect or will have issues, and contracts will have a problem or will turn out to not be advantageous to you. Double check travel plans and expect delays, and watch out for miscommunications between those around you. Take the time to make sure you’re very clear in what you say and write, and if things are misconstrued, have the patience to work through it. Things will get less muddy at the end of the month.

Since this retrograde is in Gemini, everyone will also have a chance to reexamine the way they think and the way they communicate. Perhaps there are more effective means for you to communicate who you are and the things you want, or perhaps some of your thinking was shaped by childhood influences and experiences, and are no longer complementary or productive for who you are now as an adult. Now is the time to slow down, examine who you are and where you’re going, and see what aspects of you aid in your path or detract from it. You have complete control over what you want to change!

Good luck everyone.

pictures from london now up on myspace.

i gave in and saw a doctor who said i was insane to pop my shoulder back in and keep playing. i am now bandaged to the hilt and have to keep my arm in a sling for at least a week, with no basketball for at least a month.

i look retarded with my arm in a sling.

this lady tried to get into it with me today. my mom, brother and i were at a cafe at santana row, this swanky shopping center in san jose. the place was packed with people waiting in line and sitting in the row of tables next to it, so you really had to squeeze by. i got up to get some milk for my tea and i tripped over the foot of this couple’s table because they had pushed their table a little farther out than the others, and it was one of those things where i caught myself but ended up running halfway across the room to keep from falling, a hard task when you have your dominant arm in a sling and are carrying a glass of really hot tea. by the time i regained my balance, i was at least 10 feet away. i heard someone really angry yell, you better say excuse me. it was loud enough to make everyone turn and look. i stopped and turned around. it was this older woman, about 50, white and seemingly self-appointed upper class, indigenous to this shopping area. but the problem with that area is you get a lot of rich people who are arrogantly rich but richly unhappy. she was looking at me like i’d just thrown my tea in her face and she was ready to fight.

it’s really hard for me to back down. it always has been and as much as i work on it, it’s still hard. so she’s glaring at me and i think she expected me to apologize (i’m a clumsy asian girl with her arm in a sling who almost just wiped out so why not), but instead i walk right up to her and say, excuse me?

i don’t think she expected me to confront her, but she’s not willing to back down.

she says in that condescending rich white lady tone, you should be old enough to know when you need to say excuse me.

i smile at her, real slowly like i’m sizing up prey, but i can feel that heat pulse in my chest where if we had been alone in an alley, i would have already grabbed her by the throat.

the guy she was with, a gentler older guy, patted her hand and said, it’s fine, it’s no big deal, then looked at me and said, everything’s okay.

i look at him then at her. i would back down if she backs down, but she’s sitting there looking justified.

i’m sorry i tripped over your table, i said to her, still smiling, but i know what my eyes look like. i leaned down, my eyes directly into hers, inches from her face. i lower my tone. would it make you feel better if i said excuse me while looking you in the eye and shaking your hand? i held out my hand that was in a sling and thrust it inches from her body. it was a power play. my mom said later that when i did that, she wondered if the woman thought i might hit her. my arm may look hurt but my energy was definitely dangerous.

you should have said excuse me, she says, not as sure anymore.

i’ll happily say it now, i said. i’ll be happy to say excuse me and shake your hand if it makes you feel better. My tone is teasing now, but i’m still sizing her up like meat and my eyes are cold.

i’m not going to shake your hand, she says, sitting straight in her chair and backing her body away.

i laugh then say cheerfully, then i guess i don’t need to shake yours!

abruptly turn and walk away.

unfortunately we had the table right next to her. when i walked back, the guy saw me coming and quickly looked down, averting his eyes. i would have smiled at him. i have no beef with him. when i sat down, michael was a little upset so we started talking in chinese about some people who are just nasty, negative people. i was telling my mom that it seems like we have a lot of incidences in this shopping area, and just earlier, michael had accidentally bumped a girl and she had glared at him and then demanded that she and her boyfriend leave. i said, some people just look for fights. i must have said fights in english (sometimes i mix english with chinese, depending on what language provides the most accurate words to convey meaning) and i guess the woman thought we were talking about her, so she starts loudly talking about us.

behind me, i hear her say, “people trying to come into our neighborhood where they don’t belong and start fights with people bigger than they are.”

what she meant by our neighborhood, was “a place for rich people.” what she meant by people who are bigger, was “people who are richer.” I quickly looked at my mom to see what she was wearing, and it was all designer and well put together, and my mom sports some major bling.

i myself am wearing a $500 watch and a four-figure piece of jewelry, but that’s not the point because i don’t care about money or bling… i wear these things because they’re sentimental pieces.

my point is, we didn’t look “not rich.” we didn’t look like this wasn’t “our neighborhood” as well. which leads me to believe this was a racist comment.

but i ignore her because in my mind, if she’s a 50 year old woman who needs to loudly talk shit about people because she’s uncomfortable that they may be talking shit about her in another language, she’s an idiot.

we just keep talking at a polite conversational level, and i purposely say funny things so that we’re laughing. we’re still talking in chinese, so she tries to switch to a different language, too, but i notice the guy was completely silent by now, not even trying to calm her down anymore.

my mom notices a table across the room open up. do you guys want to move, she asks? yes, we say. so we all jovially move to the other table, still chatting away, no one even acknowledging her. we see they get up a few minutes later and leave.

i know i shouldn’t get so hot-headed and walk into confrontations, but i have a bad habit of letting pride take over, especially when the person being stupid is someone i know i can intimidate. i asked my mom if i should have walked away and she said that i could of, but then it was also good that i did it because a lot of asian people would have apologized and backed off whereas the woman could tell i was strong and wasn’t going to take her crap. my mom was happy because she felt like we’d won, that we’d gotten the last word in by ignoring her, then moving to get away from her because we didn’t want to be around her.

i told her that the thing that really bothered me was that neighborhood comment and my mom started telling me about how in life and in business, so much really is measured by success and status, so if you have certain things and dress a certain way, people will be afraid to mess with you. i think that’s true to an extent, that people measure status in those ways.

but i also told her that in a way, it’s good that we weren’t dressed like slobs so she could pull a bullshit money card. but the thing is, if you measure wealth by the level of happiness or contentment in your life, then who do you think is more wealthy…me, or a 50 year-old woman who has to pick fights with strangers at a cafe? clearly she’s an unhappy person who wants to spread it, because people who are happy spread happiness and let the meaningless things slide. if someone had tripped over my table, i would be more likely to apologize and move it out of the way, or let it go. and i’m sure once i had caught my balance and stopped freaking out internally from having almost fallen, i would have turned around and if it looked like i had disrupted them, i would have apologized. but she was a miserable bully and i wasn’t going to back down, but at the end of the day, i think that people who act that way probably don’t have great lives so i’ll go on with mine and let her go on with hers.

i think that was a test though.

i think i could have done better, i could have reduced it to one
polite but dismissive line and walked away which would have given me the situational win, but i didn’t lose on a personal level–i stayed in control of myself, i was polite at every point, and i didn’t back down in a way that was respectful to myself.

it’s funny though. ever since i started consciously living life more positively and avoiding negative people and situations, i haven’t had very many encounters like this. which is why i really think this was a test.

Shia LaDouche.

and the biggest secret of all…the biggest secret of all…

this has been the month of secrets hasn’t it, fellow geminis.

stay strong. we’re the cats that got the mouse.

i’ve been behaving fairly well for a while now, don’t you think?

closing note for tonight…

the thing you think you should be doing, is probably the thing you should be doing.