Echo

God really looked out for me yesterday.
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Learn to trust the world. Don’t get so mad when things don’t go the way they should.
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I’m not going to tell you what to do. When you’re ready to move, you give me a sign and I’ll point the direction.
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So often I believe what I mistake for love is just the misinterpretation of a chemical reaction. How can you tell the difference? Is there really a difference? We are orbiting closer now. It’s the Virgo in him that I find so irresistible, his neatness, his organization. The way he dresses, sweaters over button downs–like a mild-mannered banker, and under that the fluid and lean body of a fiercely intelligent competitor I’m constantly admiring on the basketball court. I’m drawn by his politeness. His courtesy. His gentle reserve.  His  underlying restlessness and self-criticism unnerve me. And he’s still a Taurus–unmovable except by his own will. And yet, didn’t the prophecy always point to an earthy man, in the symbol of a bull? But I’m very careful when it comes to the prophecy. I’ve jumped too quickly before and made mistakes.

I’m always aware of him, on the other side of that flimsy gray wall. I like the way his eyes light up when he first sees me in the morning, and how he sometimes stands up and will glance over the wall to check on me, to see if I’m there. The other day I was asking about his family, and in my head I asked myself why I wanted to know and I answered, to know about my in-laws. I think that was the moment I feared I was losing control.

I sat next to my cousin at a basketball game a few nights ago; she works one department over. In the middle of the game, she suddenly said, “By the way, I know who you’re in love with.” My body went cold. “Your face is turning red,” she said. 

This needs to stay a secret. I don’t even want to know.

i don’t go near guys with girlfriends because if i were to give in to temptation, i would lose everything. my life is based on the belief that i am a person with integrity. on the flipside, a guy who would allow me to lose everything, is not someone i should be close to.

sometimes the temptation is difficult. sometimes, i just want to take it.

most of the time, it’s my knowledge that i have yet to keep what i want, that keeps me from grabbing the things i can’t stop dreaming about.

He wore a peach and white striped button down so neatly, that night, in fits, my dreams tumbled back into him.

I work hard on myself because one day, a lot of people will depend on me to make decisions.
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Now you’re knocking at my door
Saying please come out against the night
But I would rather be alone
Than pretend I feel alright

My mind is open wide
And now I’m ready to start
Your mind surely opened the door
To step out into the dark
Now I’m ready

I am the big sister you always wanted. I’m the best friend you fell in love with in kindergarten who tricked you into showing yours and never showed hers. I’m the girl you’ll never quite get, but can’t help but follow. Every storm has an eye. I am a storm, but the sweetest thing you would ever want under a blanket in your arms, when it’s raining outside and your toes are cold.

you’ve got to let me have it. and by that, you know what i mean.

meaning is mean. just actualized.

i once met a man in the woods, who made the woods disappear. i lost him in a dream.

it’s not my fearful symmetry they fear. it’s my lack of control.

i was afraid of you. for all the wrong reasons.

they’re all inside of you. bearing their own seasons.

if i wanted it to stop…

if jesus took the midnight train,

and found his god in a pillow stain

would you still know who to trust?

but jesus would never be on a train. he’s dead.

in the mirror there is a path

that shows you now and where you were last

and in the space between you can fall…up if you want to.

until you wake another you in a more familiar place.

this place has its own time, and you are your own mind, but when you look in the mirror,

it’s not you.

travelers. do you know who i am?

  __10/31/10__

Be less naive with your trust.

My job is to capture, not record.
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Painting with the underbrush accentuates everything that is beneath you.
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Wake up on the radio. Wow, haven’t heard it in a while since it used to follow me around. Great timing.
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Sometimes life just has a way of imploding. And you can’t let yourself think it’s just gonna get worse or it will. You just have to stand there and deal with it, with as much perspective as you can open up.
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*sigh*
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It’s a rainy day so I decided to tail my mom. She took a route so complicated she got me lost coming back to my own home.
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This cloud runs on monkeys.
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Your dad looks at all the corners. Your details. I look over the big picture.
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Converted a house into a church.
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