Resources:
Gay/Lesbian Community Service Center (has largest range of domestic violence services)
(323) 860-5806
LACAAW (LA Commission on Assaults Against Women – for all forms of dom. abuse)
(213) 955 – 9090
(310) 392-8381 (santa monica branch)
(213) 626-3393 24 hr. hotline
Sojourn (Where I went. They’re in Santa Monica, close to you)
(310) 264-6644 Office
(310) 264-6644 Shelter
-both #s available 24 hours
Therapists:
Barrie Levy (310) 450-0801
Ellen Ledley (310) 314-7667
What should I do if I am still in the relationship?
from: http://www.breakthecycle.org/
If you cannot safely leave the relationship right now, or if you’re just not ready to leave, you should still think about ways to keep yourself safe. You might want to think about taking the following precautions:
Keep important phone numbers nearby at all times. Always have a cell phone or have change for a phone call. Important numbers to carry include: the police, domestic violence hotlines or shelters, family and friends.
Bring money when you go out so you are not left stranded or dependent on the person you’re with.
Keep a journal of all incidences of violence.
Explain to as many people as you can trust that if they see anything happen, if you disappear, or they think you may be in danger for any reason, they should call 911. People to tell include: roommates, friends, family, people at work or school.
Develop code words with friends and family to use to signal to them that you are in immediate danger.
Plan escape routes from places like school, home, the abuser’s home and work.
Become familiar with domestic violence, youth or homeless shelters that you can go to in an emergency.
Avoid going into rooms with possible weapons around, like a kitchen, or rooms where there are no exits during an explosive incident.
Try not to be alone in isolated areas in public. Try to get a ride to school, or ask someone to walk or ride the bus with you.
Find a person or place where you can leave emergency money, keys and clothes.
Join a support group for victims of dating and domestic violence.
Make sure the original and copies of important documents (for example, identification, health insurance, immigration papers and other records) are someplace safe and where you can easily find them but the abuser cannot.
Keep all documentation of the abuse in a place where the abuser will not find it.
Know where the local police station and courthouse are located and their hours of operation.
Choose an email account password that the abuser will not be able to guess so that the abuser won’t be able to read your incoming and outgoing mail.
Print and save any threatening or harassing e-mail messages the abuser may send.
If you are accessing information about domestic violence on a computer the abuser has access to, learn how to clear the computer’s history or empty the cache file in the browser’s settings after accessing the Internet. Or, access the Internet at a local library, a friend’s house, or at work.
very honest notes from the future…
It’s funny how I have so much knowledge sometimes and laughingly little at others. I have huge blindspots. My heart is too big. Maybe when someone tells me there’s a “history” there, they’re telling me I’m off base. Maybe it’s not so one-sided. Maybe people have been unfaithful before so people are hyper-sensitive. Maybe both people know exactly which buttons to press, so neither is really that innocent. Two people driven by the intense magnetism between the love/hate poles, each with a long list of grievances against the other, pulled out at a moment’s notice. And each driving the other crazy. Maybe without really realizing they want to, but nevertheless, driven by unconscious forces to do so, as that is the nature of being in close contact in this type of relationship. And to leave seems too overwhelming. . Whatever the case, it’s none of my business and I don’t want it to be any of my business. I’m supportive of what you’re going through. I don’t need an explanation right now, but I will probably want something along those lines later for my own understanding and ability to trust. As for me, analyzing and looking ahead is incredibly mentally and psychically draining for me. Too much intensity when the solution isn’t ready to be had, so I have to disconnect for a bit to recharge and gain distance so I’m not one of the players. Because this storm has been raging for a while before I got here, and it’ll continue raging for a while longer.
I realized a few really random things today. It’s not your father, but the complex relationship with your mother from which much stems.
I also noticed that you try to hide the fact that you’re a lot smarter and aware of things than you actually want people to know. You’re more powerful at controlling situations than you want people to realize. And you probably hide it from yourself as well. When I told you that you’re someone who can get whatever she wants, I wasn’t quite sure of what I meant until now. Is that you’re secret? That you can willfully create your world? Do you get scared sometimes when you realize the magnitude of your responsibility for the things that happen around you? Or when you have no idea why you wanted certain things brought into your world? Because these are things I can understand. Ohhhh, fellow reality projector…use your powers for good, okay? Play nice.
Ah…we live in a strange, strange, universe. If true help is needed, and when the spiritual path is cleared for a true, honest friendship, I’m sure you’ll find me again.
“See you in brighter days………….”
***
This is for everyone out there who knows it’s not right, but doesn’t have a voice. This list is somewhat specific, but if you (no matter if you’re male or female, gay or straight) recognize any of the traits, even if only ONE applies, you need to talk to someone, get help.
From: http://www.rainbowdomesticviolence.itgo.com/
Domestic abuse occurs in approximately 30 to 40% of GLBT relationships, which is the same percentage of violence that occurs in straight relationships. It is a myth that same-sex couples don’t batter each other, or if they do; they are just “fighting” or it is “mutual abuse”.
Domestic abuse is always about power and control. One partner intentionally gains more and more power over his/ her partner. Tactics can include physical, emotional or verbal abuse, isolation, threats, intimidation, minimizing, denying, blaming, coercion, financial abuse, or using children or pets to control your behavior.
Domestic violence runs in a cycle. Typically, things are wonderful at the beginning of the relationship. Gradually, tension starts to build. Finally, an act of violence occurs. This may be verbal or physical. The victim is shocked. The relationship then moves into the “honeymoon” phase. The abuser is remorseful and attentive, and the victim wants to believe the abuse was an isolated incident. Again, the tension gradually builds until another violent act occurs. The longer the cycle goes on, the closer together the acts of violence happen.
“Red Flags” Of A Battering Personality:
If you are uncertain whether your partner is abusive or if you want to be able to tell at the beginning of the relationship if the other person has the potential to become abusive, there are behaviors you can look for, including the following:
1. JEALOUSY: An abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it’s a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. In a healthy relationship, the partners trust each other unless one of them has legitimately done something to break that trust.
2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At first, the batterer will say this behavior is because they are concerned for your safety, a need for you to use time well or to make good decisions. Abusers will be angry if you are “late” coming back from the store or an appointment; you will be questioned closely about where you went, who you talked to. At this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not let you make personal decisions about the house, your clothing, or going to church. They may keep all the money; or may make you ask permission to leave the house or room.
3. QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Many domestic violence victims only knew their abuser for a few months before they were living together. The abuser may come on like a whirlwind, claiming “you’re the only person I could ever talk to” and “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone”. Abusers are generally very charming at the beginning of the relationship. You will be pressured to commit in such a way that later you may feel very guilty if you want to slow down involvement or break up. If you are newly out, be careful; abusers often target those they know are new to the GLBT community because it is a time when you are vulnerable and may not know very many people in the community.
4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs: the perfect partner, lover, and friend. They say things like “if you love me, I’m all you need and you’re all I need”. You are supposed to take care of everything for them; emotionally, physically, and sometimes economically.
5. ISOLATION: The abusive person tries to cut the partner off from all resources. If you have same-sex friends, you are a “whore”, a “slut” or “cheating”. If you are close to family, you’re “tied to the apron strings”. The abuser will accuses people who are supportive of causing trouble, and may restrict use of the phone. They will gradually isolate you from all of your friends. They may not let you use a car (or have one that is reliable), and may try to keep you from working or going to school. Some abusers will try to get you into legal trouble so that you are afraid to drive or go out.
6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If your partner is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing them wrong or is out to get them. They may make mistakes and then blame you for upsetting them so that they can’t concentrate on their work. They will tell you that you are at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.
7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS:Abusive people will tell you, “you made me mad” and “I can’t help being angry”. Although they actually makes the decision about how they think or feel, they will use feelings to manipulate you. Abusers see themselves as the “victim” in the relationship, and do not take responsibility for their own feelings or behaviors.
8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Abusers are easily insulted, and may take the slightest setback as a personal attack. They will rant and rave about the injustice of things that are really just a part of living, such as having to get up for work, getting a traffic ticket, or being asked to help with chores.
9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain. They may expect children to be capable of things beyond their ability. They may tease children and younger brothers and sisters until they cry. They may be very critical of other people’s children or any children you bring into the relationship. Your partner may threaten to prevent you from seeing children you have no biological rights to, or punish children to get even with you. About 60% of people who beat their partner also beat their children.
10. “PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE IN SEX: This kind of person may like to act out fantasies where the partner is helpless. They let you know that the idea of rape is exciting. They may show little concern about whether you wants to have sex, and use sulking or anger to manipulate you. They may start having sex with you while you are sleeping, or demand sex when you are ill or tired. They may want to “make up” by having sex after they have just been physically or verbally abusive to you.
11. VERBAL ABUSE: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel, this can be seen when the abuser degrades or curses you, belittling any of your accomplishments. They may say accuse you of not being a “real” lesbian or gay man. If you aren’t out, they may threaten to out you to family members or your employer. The abuser will tell you that you are stupid and unable to function without them. They may wake you up to verbally abuse you, or not let you go to sleep.
12. RIGID SEX ROLES: Abusers expect the partner to play the “female” role; to serve them, and insists that you obey them in all things. The abuser sees you as unintelligent, inferior, responsible for menial tasks, and less than whole without the relationship. They will often tell you that no one else w
ould want you or that you are nothing without them. They will remind you of everything they have done for you.
13. DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE: Many victims are confused by their abuser’s sudden changes in mood, and may think it indicates a special mental problem. Abusers may be nice one minute, and explode the next. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners. Many victims feel if their partner would just quit drinking or using drugs, the violence would stop. This is usually not the case. Abusive people continue the abuse, even after they stop using alcohol or drugs, unless they also seek help for their abusive behavior.
14. PAST BATTERING: These people say they have hit a partner in the past, but the previous partner made them do it. You may hear from relatives or ex partners that the person has been abusive. A batterer will beat any person they are with if they are with that person long enough for violence to begin; situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality.
15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control you: “I’ll slap your mouth off”, “I’ll kill you”, “I’ll break your neck”. Most people do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will say “everyone talks like that”, or “it didn’t mean anything”.
16. BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS: This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is used mostly to terrorize you into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with their fist or throw objects around. This is not only a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but indicates great danger when someone thinks they have the “right” to punish or frighten their partner.
17. ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: A batterer may hold you down, restrain you from leaving the room, push you, or shove you. They may pin you to the wall, saying, “You’re going to listen to me!”.(adapted)
What To Do If You Are A Victim of Domestic Violence:
It can be extremely difficult for victims to admit that domestic violence is an issue in their relationship. Even once they have admitted to themselves that there is a problem, they are often at a loss at where to turn to for help. They may be fearful of receiving a homophobic response from those they seek assistance from.
In most states, domestic violence shelters at least train their staff to be sensitive to GLBT issues when working with victims of domestic violence. In larger states, there are often domestic violence shelters just for GLBT victims.
Call your local domestic violence shelter and ask what services they offer to GLBT clients. If you aren’t satisfied with what they offer, ask for a referral to a domestic violence shelter in the largest city near you.
Also, you don’t have to out yourself in order to get help if you choose not to. The fact that you are a victim of domestic violence is enough for you to receive assistance. Do what you need to do to feel safe. Domestic violence advocates and counselors know that you have already been through a lot, and won’t pressure you to answer questions you don’t want to answer about the name or gender of your abuser.
Please don’t give up in reaching out for help. Even in small towns it is possible for you to find help from people sensitive to GLBT clients.
Click on the link below to view the National Domestic Violence Hotline page, which includes an 800 number that can be called toll free from anywhere in the United States. Calls are answered in English and Spanish, with interpreters available for an additional 139 languages. They can refer you to the domestic violence services closest to you.
NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINEhttp://www.ndvh.org/
NCADVA, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, also has a web site with a listing of state domestic violence coalitions. A phone call to any of these coalitions will refer you to domestic violence shelters and services in your area. Click on the link below for the list of state coalitions.
NCADVA page/ List of state by state coalitionshttp://www.ncadv.org/resources/state.htm
Empower Yourself:
We believe that the more you educate yourself about domestic violence issues, the better able you are to make informed choices about your situation. Please make use of the resources available here to educate yourself, empowering yourself in the process.
Create a safety plan, know what you are going to do the next time your partner becomes physically, emotionally or verbally abusive. Put personal items such as your birth certificate, credit cards and medications all in one place so that you can quicky leave if you need to.
Remember, you are not alone. Others have gone through the pain of being in an abusive relationship, and are willing to reach out to help you.
Finished two books today:
Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs
Touted as David-Sedaris like, this autobiography was disappointing. The situations and characters were interesting, but the author’s approach lacked the teasing affection that pervades Sedaris’ handling of his characters, as well as the cohesion of emotion and understanding of a powerful autobiography. Burroughs withheld from taking the risks needed to fully explore his memories by way of absolute emotional confrontation and disclosure.
Shopgirl by Steve Martin
Steve Martin is a comic genius not just for his clever command of words, but for his mercurial intellect, powers of observation and his gentle, modest mode of communication. This book, about the relationship between a delicate artist working at a department store glove counter and a wealthy eternal-bachelor twice her age, delivered more truth about people, relationships, love, life and being in 130 pages than I’ve gotten from half a decade floundering in my 20s. The way we miscommunicate, the way we mistake our needs, the fact that we don’t always know what we want when we believe that we do…Martin has a way of nailing the essence of the mysteries of mating with his dead-on, incisive prose. I read this in a few days and was riveted by each and every sentence, laughing outloud countless times. The insight and observation are brilliant. I can’t do this book justice. Just read it.
Interesting trivia fact about me:
I’ve dated a guy who was in the opening credits of Austin Powers I, and I’ve dated another guy who was in the opening credits of Austin Powers II.
So this guy I know just finished his website:
http://www.maximilien69.com/index.html
I love this guy; he’s a fuckin’ CHARACTER. I love the white trash card shark pictures. He’s so shy but he’s got so much personality. He’s in my commercial (www.davestroup.com , go to Commercials, click on Match.com)…awesome to work with.
Would You Date A Guy Who’s Bi?
I just had a…though-provoking conversation.
This guy has been trying to get with me. Within the “negotiations,” I’ve been very upfront about what I’m looking for right now (or more specifically, what I’m not looking for) and we were on the same page, except he’s just revealed to me that he has a girlfriend. So of course, I tell him this is a dealbreaker and I won’t be going out with him. I ask him if he was serious about his girlfriend and if so, then why he would want to mess around on her. He said that he was very serious about her but there were some things that he needed to get out of his system. I told him that he was looking for more trouble than he was ready for because messing around on someone he truly loves will fuck him up. So, in the same way things usually work out with me, we end up getting into a deep conversation about why he would be motivated to do something like this, and the conversation turns to sex issues. I’m giving him advice about communication and approaches and even sexual techniques and then it comes out…he’s never messed around on his girlfriend with girls, but a few times with guys. Strictly blowjobs, giving and receiving, but he says that seeing another guy’s hardon turns him on. That it’s not so much about the guy, but because it’s taboo. And his girlfriend has no idea that he’s bi or that he’s had encounters with other men. I tell him that just because he’s turned on by hardons doesn’t necessarily make him bi/gay (which is just a label anyway when sexuality is actually quite dimensional), referring to Brian’s Dan Savage/Trannie article. It just means that he likes hard-ons. I spent the rest of the conversation talking to him about the hard-on as a symbol, sometimes how people, men and women, are turned on by the sight of a male erection because it means approval and it’s an outward, measurable sign of pleasure, of which they caused. And sometimes, people are turned on by it not so much because they are gay, but because they have self-worth issues, probably stemming from an important male relationship. And maybe if he talked about this with someone close to him, he’d find out that he doesn’t really carry around this “horrible secret” of being bi, but that it’s something else, and by telling someone, he’ll discover that this thing that is a turn-on isn’t actually such a big definer of his sexuality. Or maybe he’s just gay but scared to accept it.
So here’s my thing. I have conversations like this a lot. Even with random strangers. Conversations turn deep and these people feel comfortable enough to reveal deep issues and I put all judgement/preconceptions away and just focus on easing suffering. But then afterwards, I have to deal with my own feelings about things. Right now, I’m a little bit tweaked. I have so much anxiety about being played for a fool. Because the first guy I ever dated played me for a fool and I never want that to happen again–to be disrespected and yet be completely oblivious of it. So it scares me enough to think that someone I’m dating or even married to would cheat on me, and it really tweaks me to think that there are these facets of them that I don’t know about–such as this need to go out and fool around with other guys. I know that my top three questions that I ask when I meet a guy are:
Are you married? Are you single? Are you gay?
Because I don’t want to be doing anything with some cheating scumbag husband and ruining a family somewhere. And I don’t want to be hurting some other girl by doing anything with her boyfriend, being used as an instrument to disrespect another person, her trust and their relationship. And I don’t want to be blindsighted by being pulled into someone’s fantasy about themselves, when they are trying to avoid being truthful with themselves. I just don’t want to be the last one to know about things, to be the chump, to be oblivious. Because I’m really, really hard on myself to the point of cruelty and this happens to be the arena in which I am a downright tyrant.
I’m trying not to think too much about this. But it’s conversations like this that make me terrified of dating. Because I don’t think I could ever trust someone. As much as you will ever know about someone, you’ll never know everything and I’m so scared of what kind of things are in those shadows that I can’t see into.
ADDENDUM
Alan…you know this stuff with coincidences? Here’s one:
I was dating this guy and after three months, we still hadn’t had sex. So one night, I have this horrible dream where we’re talking and he makes a joke like, “Yeah, I’ve fucked a guy.” I ask, “Really?” And he kind of looks at me funny and says, “No.” . I look him straight in the eye and say, “Really?” He says, “Of course not.” I say really gently, “You know, it’s okay if you have.” He gets quiet and then finally says, “Once.” I’m devastated in my dream and in real life, because I start to cry in both. I ask, “Were you doing him or taking it?” And he said, “Taking.” And I felt the whole world physically fall apart.
When I woke up I was pretty traumatized. We hung out that night and he was being an asshole and I went to a party afterwards with Jake and Brian. I saw this guy eyeing me but I was pretty much ignoring him, because I was in a pretty bad mood. He comes over to talk to me anyway and it turns out he went to the same college as my boyfriend. So I ask him if he knows him. He’s not sure. So I ask him if he knows “**,” my boyfriend’s ex. Turns out he knows her really well. So I say, little blond guy, dated her for a while, was in [whatever frat]. He says, “OH! I know who you’re talking about! He almost got kicked out of his frat cuz he gave some black guy a blowjob at [some gym on campus]!” I FREAK OUT, because I HAD JUST HAD A FUCKING DREAM ABOUT THIS THE NIGHT BEFORE.
So he calls some guy over and asks, did you hear about………..etc? And that guy says, “Yeah, they tried to kick him out cuz he’s a fag and went down on some guy at the gym.” The first guy says, “That’s her boyfriend!” And the second guy says, “No shit! He’s not out???”
I never told my ex about all that. Brian told me he’d never talk to me again if I brought it up to him. And those guys were assholes who were probably making this stuff up. Right? But it was uncanny. It was really uncanny. And it really struck a nerve. Even to this day.
For those who are curious, here’s a link to a picture of my new boyfriend:
http://www.usocpressbox.org/usoc/pressbox.nsf/0/a6aba4aca718b18585256d750012c700?OpenDocument
OH MY GOD! I nearly peed my pants in joy! This is my favorite show…
It rarely ends well when a real-life couple teams up on screen (e.g. Ben and Jen, Tom and Nicole, Madonna and Sean Penn), but that’s not going to stop Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick. The Hollywood Reporter says the duo will headline a big screen version of the Comedy Central cult hit “Strangers with Candy,” which starred Amy Sedaris in a bitingly funny send-up of all those Very Special TV Episodes. Details are scarce, but Sarah and Matthew reportedly agreed to sign on due to their friendship with Sedaris, who co-created the series with Stephen Colbert and Paul Dinello. Filming is expected to begin in New York this summer.
The Different Flavors of Sex
(or, the night I got frustrated with work, had ONE beer and became Dr. Ruth)
Have you ever put your fingertips together, closed your eyes and then focused on what it feels like for one hand to be touching the other, and then for the other hand to be touching the first? It’s an interesting experiment in perspective and sensation. I think in a way, this is what it’s about when people say that you’re really in touch with your body. To understand what it feels like to experience yourself from within your body, and then try to experience yourself from without. Dancers are really in tune to their bodies; they understand the connection between the body and the soul and feel completely comfortable existing within the balance of these two. I bet for great sensual sex, for both men and women, go for a dancer. No guarantee on personality and all the other usual criteria, but I would put my money down on great sensual sex. The kind that gets you really in touch with, and really comfortable in your own body.
For physical experimentation, go with mutually drunk, uninhibited sex, (not to offend anyone but being honest here), best with a stranger. If you know this person as a person, then on some level, you’ll worry about what they think and performance and other engrained psycho-social constructs; then your intellect will inhibit your ability to gain the full experience. This kind of sex, without inhibitions, allows you to fully experience the capabilities of the human body and the ways in which it can perceive pleasure. Yes. Raw, raunchy fucking. Doesn’t have to be drunk, but it has to be absolutely uninhibited, which is hard to do sober. It’s AWESOME when you’re starting out to really get in touch with your body. You figure out a lot. The favorite of more immature sexual explorers who are still discovering their bodies. It’s one that sexual-developmentally, everyone probably has to experience on the road to development. But some people get stuck in this stage and are too afraid to move on. They’re really missing out on full sexual exploration.
Emotionally-naked sex, of which “make-up sex” makes up a large part of the category, is had when both partners are suddenly absolutely emotionally vulnerable. I say “suddenly,” because complete emotional openness is very hard to mutually maintain. This is why this moment usually occurs right after a fight and a make-up that causes defensive walls to crumble. When people have sex when they are both completely emotionally-naked, just as with the ultimate in sensual sex, you will be able to perceive something physically as well as simultaneously perceive yourself perceiving it. But your emotions will do the same and suddenly, it will feel like your consciousness and mind and everything from which you perceive the external world have merged and there are no boundaries between yourself, your partner and the universe. This is the spiritual basis of tantric sex. It’s amazing.
And then I got tired of talking about sex……..I’m tired now.
Well, these are three kinds of sex. All are worth having at some point in your life, whether with the same partner or different partners. Optimally, you don’t have to have the same kind and you can vary. I, personally, would prefer to find a partner who is capable of all three and is as intuitive as I am about letting the Moment dictate what kind of connection it’ll be. Otherwise, I’ll have to find different experiences in different people, and I’ll never settle down if I know there’s something out there that I want but I’ll be restricted from getting. I think it’s important for people to be able to explore sex, as they learn more about EXPERIENCE and connection and life, especially within themselves. I wouldn’t mind exploring with the same partner, but I really think the partner needs to be intuitive about reading the moment and not be afraid to really explore. And I haven’t met anyone like that yet.
I think I’ve come to admit that sex is really important to me. It’s not so much because of the physical pleasure, as it is the connection with a person, the universe and life and living. And the growth and wisdom as a person that you end up gaining because of the connection through the experience.
Have you ever observed people who are virgins? Some you can just tell. And you know how you can always tell after someone has had sex? They change in a way. They become older. Something in them opens and makes their energy a little heavier, in the way wise old men feel heavy. I think sex is a good thing. We have to be responsible about it, and approach it with the right mindset and attitude, but sex as how it should be (without the psychological pathology) is a really good, healthy thing, and I honestly think that withholding sex from yourself is bad for your being.
Today is a day that makes me think of Lauren’s saying:
Someday, hopefully, you’ll find someone who will treat you like shit. Until then, you’re just going to have to be miserable.
My little brother starts out all his phone messages with some variation of this:
“Hi Julia. This is Michael S***. Your brother?”
I know who you are, Michael.
Everything is a separate entity, yet at some point, everything comes together.
Alan’s comment about coincidences inspired me to post some of my own interesting coincidences:
–my first job in LA was working at a film production company at the Fox lot. When I was leaving and they were replacing me, we got like 30-50 resumes a day and it was my job to pull them from the fax. I was glancing at them one day and I saw the name of a girl, Sarita Choy, who went to college with me. We were two of the only 3 Asian girls in Michigan’s film program at the time (with the other one being my best friend, Rie). We had never really hung out in college, but we had some things in common, mainly, some connection with a certain TA with an Asian fetish. So I pulled her resume out of the stack and told my bosses that she was good, and called her up and had dinner with her. She was offered the job but declined and took a job at an agency; we became really good friends. Fast forward 3 years and she’s now an agent at that agency. She tells me one day that she has a really cute coworker (Jake) whom she found out also went to Michigan. She said that she kind of wanted to set him up and that he had hinted about needing a date for a screening, so she asked if I was interested. I ended up meeting up with him. We hung out a lot and one night, he was telling me that in college, he actually went by Chill (his Korean name). For some reason, something sounded very familiar but I wasn’t sure what it was. It bugged me for weeks, elusively flitting at the edge of my mind but I couldn’t quite grasp it. Then one night, it suddenly hit me. I had actually been introduced to Jake 6 years before, my freshman year in college. I remember that he had a red parka and I thought he was really cute, which made me nervous because back in college, I was extremely, extremely, disgustingly shy. So I asked him and it turns out that his good friend from high school was a friend of mine, and that he knew my freshman year roommate.
–after my ex and I broke up, the first people we were with had the exact same birthday, down to the year. Except I think mine is an angel and his is whatever. Whatever. :)
–on a dare, I asked out this guy with a pretty solid pick-up. Later, I found out that the chick my ex was dating knew this guy (in fact I think their bands have performed together). Since I’m really private and don’t want anything to do with him or her, even indirectly, I lost interest in this guy.
–when I was writing a Scrubs spec, I developed a huge crush on Zach Braff. One day, I woke up and said, I’m going to let my psychic antennae guide me to Zach Braff. And thus, conducted the Looking For Zach Braff Project, where I just drove around aimlessly, stopped at random places, etc., trying to bump into him. The day ended and I was unsuccessful, though it had been an interesting day. That night, I went on a date with Eyton, the media mogul. We went to see a comedy show starring a guy I had had a crush on a few months back. We went to coffee after the show and the only seats available were these two chairs facing each other. The only other seats in in that area were these other two chairs and they were occupied by a couple obviously on a first date (I overheard bits of their conversation and the tone was somewhat awkward). But I wasn’t paying attention to them because Eyton is really attractive. So he’s asking me what I write and I tell him that I just finished a Scrubs spec. I was talking about the show and about what I liked and I was about to say that the only thing I didn’t like was that I thought the character of The Todd was stupid and the actor was really annoying, but I got distracted and went off on some other tangent. Later, when the cafe closed, we got up as did the other couple. I noticed the guy looking at me so I looked over. It was The Todd. And he kind of grinned at me like, “Thanks for complimenting my show in front of my date.” And I was SOOOO glad that I hadn’t said my take on The Todd. So I went out searching for Zach Braff. And I ended up finding The Todd.
–During the summer that I was at USC’s film program, I never saw a single celebrity until one day, I saw Mario Lopez (AC from Saved By the Bell). So he was my lone celebrity sighting. A year later, after moving to LA, I hadn’t seen another one, which is remarkable since I worked on the Fox lot. One day, someone’s friend who was visiting from out of town gushed at how many stars she’d seen in her short time in LA. I said that I was jealous since I lived here and the only person I’d ever seen was Mario Lopez. A day later, I walk into California Chicken Cafe and in walks…Mario Lopez. So he was the only star I had seen…twice.
–Freshman year of college. I was in love with Brian G, the Arts Editor at the newspaper. I mean, all-encompassingly crushing. One day, I was looking out the window and saw him walking by. So I said hi from the window and he told me he lived in “that building,” pointing to the building across the street. Turns out, I could see his LIVING ROOM and KITCHEN from my window. Well, you can imagine…that was probably not a healthy revelation. I fought the frequent temptations pretty resiliently. And as aforementioned, when Brian graduated, he went to write for a newspaper in Maryland. I went on to have a small crush on a guy who looked like him. Turned out, this guy’s mom worked at the paper back home in Maryland with Brian.
–When I was casting my senior film in college, I chose this actress, Tina Kapousis (currently featured in Sprint’s Sorority commercial…”I love you, Seven!…”). So I told her that I would bring the script over to her house since she only lived two blocks down. When I got there, my friend Ed from freshman year answered the door. I was shocked but happy to see him. I was like, what a small world! I guess they were housemates. A few weeks later, I went by Tina’s house again to drop off a shooting draft of the script. This time, this guy Jack answered. I’m like, holy shit, you live here, too?!? Jack was one of my nemeses at the newspaper. He’s a sniveling little closet bitch who was secretly in love with Brian, our editor, who was also the love of MY life. It was weird how I knew all these people who lived in her house.
–a guy I used to date was a dealer at a casino. My family stays at his casino all the time so whenever we go, I usually end up seeing him. At this point, we’re civil but he says really bizarre things to me. Anyway, the last time I was there, he wasn’t there. So I was at a table and I asked the dealer, “Hey, does so-and-so still work here?” She kind of looks at me funny and says, “Why?” I say, “I’m a friend of his from out of town.” She says, “He took the day off because he got married today.” I was definitely surprised, since the the last time I saw him, he had just broken up with his fiance. I asked her who he married but at this point, she was tapped out by another female dealer. So she tells me to ask the other dealer. So I ask the other dealer what the deal was. She looks at me funny too and asks, “Are you Michelle?” I say, “No.” And she says, “Okay, because I’ve heard him talk about a Michelle.” And I know who Michelle is, it’s his ex ex ex; she came before me. So this conversation is too weird so I stop talking to her. Later, the first dealer taps back in. She asks me what I found out. I’m like, whatever. Then she tells me that the dealer who just left used to date this guy. I’m starting to get a little overwhelmed by this information. Then she says, that what happened was, those two were dating and then she went to a bar after work, and saw him making out with some chick from his home country. So she calls up her friend (the other dealer) who comes over and bitches him out and leaves. And that girl he was caught with was the one that he had married that day. WHOA. This whole thing was too overwhelming for me, that of all people, I would talk to these two specific people about h
im, and to find out that they were first-handedly involved in this drama with this guy that I knew.
–I used to always run into this guy I used date. It really sucked. But I remember one day, I got these t-shirts I had designed in the mail. They say, “Bad Ass Yellow Girl” on them. I was about to leave to do some work, but then I decided to go back and change into one of them. I was so happy and it made me feel all tough. And I remember thinking, as I left my apartment, “I bet of all days, I run into him today.” So I’m sitting at my Starbucks, and I’m writing in my freewrite journal about how great it would be to never see this guy again, when he comes walking up. Even though it was really funny, it really sucked, but I was so glad that I had changed into this shirt because it made me feel like a Bad Ass Yellow Girl, while meanwhile, he looked like shit. So he’s trying to small talk with me but then says, “Nice shirt.” Yeeeah. The universe let that one fall in my favor.
–My cousin, Albert and I are the same age. He grew up in Los Angeles and I grew up in the Bay Area. I don’t really see him a lot and we’re not really close. So when I applied for college, I was trying to decide between Michigan and Berkeley. I ended up committing to Michigan cuz it was nice, it was far away, I would be in the Honors college and the boys were definitely cuter. Months before college started, I found out that Albert had also committed to Michigan. It was so bizarre since we were both from CA and both committed to the same school without even knowing that the other had applied. There was only one other guy from my high school who went to Michigan. Minh. Near the end of my freshman year, I discovered that Minh and Albert were frat brothers. What a small freakin’ world. Tangentially, my senior year, I was casually dating a guy named Marvin. I say casually, because he would persistently ask me out, and I would go, even though I was too shy to date and being in a one-on-one situation with a guy was gruelingly painful. Marvin told me that he trained for martial arts during the summers in China, with a guy named Andre who also went to Michigan. When Albert and I graduated, we were all at a bar with his friends, and a frat brother of his comes up and asks, “Are you Julia?” I say, “Yeah.” He says, “Do you know Marvin?” I’m like, “Yeeah! Marvin’s a great guy!” He says, “I know. I’m Andre.”
–I saw Bo Outlaw, formally of the Phoenix Suns, at the gym one day. I walk into the basketball courts because I always shoot baskets at the gym and he and two of his teammates are shooting around, and they jokingly invite me to join them, cuz, you know, I’m a girl. So I join them and ask if they want to play horse, and since they don’t know that I hustle at this game, they agree. So I proceed to beat them all in a game of 4-way horse. It was the crowning achievement of my basketball career. A few months later, I’m at a Radiohead concert. As we’re leaving, first, I see this guy who asked me out randomly the week before (I was sitting at Starbucks and had seen him sitting across from me. We made eye contact and smiled. Then I saw him leave so I’m like, whatever. A few moments later, he’s standing next to my table, has my cell phone in his hand and says, “I’m programming my number into your phone so you can call me.”) . I’m tripping over what a small world it is. Then I turn around and see Tom Gugliotta, Bo Outlaw’s teammate and incidentally, my favorite player growing up. My screenname was Googs or something and I always tried to model my style of play after him when I used to play. So of course, I have to go talk to him, and I’m telling him that when he sees Bo, tell him Julia says hi. He started laughing when I told him that I had beat Bo at horse, saying, “That’s not hard.” Thanks, Tom.
–My first day of training for a soon-to-be-opening Mexican restaurant during my last semester of high school, I arrive to discover that out of the four employees, one of them is this guy that I went to elementary school with, and whom I had repeatedly tried to beat up in the 5th grade. This person was Aubrey Cox and even though we weren’t friends and never talked all through junior high and high school, we ended up getting to know each other because of work. Now he’s one of my closest friends.
–My first year in LA, I was severely depressed. In fact, there was a timespan when I rarely left my apartment and had too much anxiety to interact with people. One day, I asked for God’s help because I was desperate, and I begged him to send me something. Then I forced myself to leave my apartment. I went to California Chicken Cafe for lunch and to write. The only seat available was next to this elderly couple, and I was a little annoyed with them because they were saving a table next to them that was more accessible. Later, their son joined them. The couple was talking and I remember the way the husband looked at the wife, consistently, captivated, like she was the most amazing, interesting, beautiful thing he’d ever seen. I kept watching and I started to think about how amazing it was, the way he was looking at her, and about how I’d love to have someone look at me that way someday. Listening and watching that couple really cheered me up and gave me hope for the future. A few months later, I was in the market to buy a condo. I was looking in a low price range and the pickings were pretty slim. My dad came down one weekend and when he saw what was available in my price range, he decided to help me put more money in so that we could get something nicer with better investment value. We started checking out nicer places. On the last day, the sun was setting when we rolled up to the last property. I saw these two guys standing outside and went, “I know them!” They were the old man and his son from that day at California Chicken Cafe. I remembered how watching them had really brightened my day. So we ended up buying the place and that’s where I live now, which is an abode that makes me feel very safe and happy, something I’ve never really had. Also, in the process of getting this place, I found out that the wife, the woman the old man had been gazing at, had cancer. She ended up passing away. I struggled with this for a while, and finally decided to write them a very honest card where I told him about actually having recognized them from that day at the restaurant, and just how much impact they had had on my life. They were really touched by the story and we became close friends.
–I once signed up for an online dating site so I could browse (some of you know that when I’m really bored, I’ll browse the listings to see if there’s anyone I know). Some guy emailed me based on the scant information in my minimal profile. His letter was actually interesting so I wrote back. He was saying that he grew up in the bay area. I said I grew up in Fremont. He said that HE grew up in Fremont and went to MSJ. I wrote back and said I went to MSJ. Turns out, he’s this guy I went to high school with whom I always thought was really cute, and we had actually gone to elementary school together as well. Really nice guy.
–I was hitting on the guy who was teaching a psych class last summer. So I would meet with him to chat, and we’d talk about theories and authors. He’d recommended a book by Steven Hayes about Acceptance and Commitment Theory, even though he thought the guy was pretentious and hard to read. A few weeks later, I interviewed for a research assistant position. I have no psych background and wasn’t a student so it didn’t look good. But she was talking about psych and mentioned “Acceptance and Commitment dynamics” and I interrupted, “Steven Hayes?” She looked surprised and said, “You know who Steven Hayes is?” I said, “Yeah, he developed the Acceptance and Commitment Theory as an approach to Behavior Change.” She was really impressed and said, “Not many people know who he is. I’ve actually met him…blah blah blah” and I ended up getting the position. What she didn’t know, was that I know nothing of this theory, have never read anything he’s w
ritten, and the only reason I was able to make my one comment, was because I had looked him up on amazon.com the night before, and his book is called, “Acceptance and Commitment Therapy : An Experiential Approach to Behavior Change.” I got really lucky, getting the right information at the right time.
I’ll add some more of these stories later. But I just wanted to say that I think sometimes, when you really pay attention, life works out in funny ways and things really happen for a reason.
If you’re in LA, go to Fred 62 NOW and order the Bossa Nova Waffle. If you’re not, you need to book a plane ticket. The sauce was RIDICULOUSLY good.
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