Echo

My mom speaks very good English. But when you learn a language from textbooks, there are some parts of the language you don’t pick up. Words like hoebag. And cunnilingus.

Every movie, my mom always picks out the worst things and asks for a definition. ie

“Julia, what does ‘dyke’ mean?”

“A lesbian, mom.”

5 minutes go by.

“What is ‘cunt’?”

“Another word for vagina.”

“Is this a bad word?”

“Yes, this is a very bad word. Don’t use it at the office.”

10 minutes go by.

“What does ‘fisting’ mean?

Christ. “I’m not going to tell you.”

“Julia. You’re very not nice.”

30 seconds.

“What does it mean, ‘she was a squirter?'”

I feel sorry for whoever had to sit with her through Clerks.

Angela: Now. You got two choices here. You either answer the question…or you tell her she’s being inappropriate. Either way, she’s not going to hold it against you.

My fictional character crush is probably Seeley Booth from Bones. He’s got a quick and sharp mind yet he’s naive, and his heart’s in a beautiful place. Stubborn but open-minded. Love the protective streak. The fact he’s the only one who can hang with Bones is impressive. I like men who can respect and appreciate a woman smarter than him. It makes the best parts of who they are shine even more.

Good writing to open Bones, Season 4:

Sweets: If we ask, which of Jared Addison’s set patterns have recently been disrupted, we may very well discover what got him killed.

Bones:No, we can’t ask Jared Addison, he’s dead.

Sweets: She is WICKED literal!

Booth: Okay hey, it’s her process. Don’t be mean to her!

Bones: Booth!

Booth: I’m – I’m not defending, I’m just explaining.

Bones: I can defend–you were defending.

Booth: I was explaining.

Sweets: Whoa, this is an interesting development in your interpersonal behaviors.

Bones: No, what’s more interesting is that Booth’s back hurts and he won’t let me fix it.

Booth: No, none of this, is interesting, okay? Look, I just want to know what kind of mojo disrupted crazy boy’s pattern.

Sweets: My first guess, at his age? Sex.

Booth: Sex.

Sweets: “Crazy boy” is…offensive, by the way.

amazing day today!

big idea came in today. i jumped up and held my hand high for a high five, but there was no one there, so i high-fived a spirit instead.

work hard. play hard. if work is play, it makes life worth living.

one day, i will need that person i can trust most to sit next to me and hold me, while i put my head in my hands and look all this painful truth and realization in the eye, and cry it out once and for all to let it all go. in the meantime, i continue to accept, be philosophical, and not let it keep me from being the person i’m trying to be.

saturn has one of my deepest wounds between its teeth.

when a father can’t help feeling threatened by his child, sometimes the way he loves you is by giving you access to tools and keeping himself out of your way.

i am in great pain, but with great pain comes great strength.

we once had a dog, a gentle bear named rocky. my dad used to resent him because when he would escape and my dad would go out looking for him, rocky would always pretend he didn’t know him when they met on the street.

he acts like a complete stranger, my dad would say, spitefully. no loyalty. some people have tenuous ideas of attachment.

like abandoning your daughter on a dance floor during a father daughter dance without a single thought back, because you’ve always needed the admiration of boys.

*****

but despite these things, you still resolve to love the ones in your life, knowing their flaws. it’s almost as though by being brutally conscious of them, it allows you to understand realistically what you can and can not expect. doesn’t make it hurt less when you know what life denied you. but at least the understanding allows you to make peace with it. you can’t squeeze water out of a stone. and you can’t make a dream into a reality where the reality does not exist.

god is out there. but you’ll never find your god in men where none exists.

and by you, i’m talking about i.

steam. from the dissolution of heavenly bodies. or perhaps. regeneration. and a birth.

sometimes when cool fingers stretch over oceans to reach your side of the sheets, you let yourself lay open to the pull of the tide.

i want to tell you the stories of memories. old men drinking whiskey in rooms drowsy with cigar smoke, speaking of time. daughters turned women. wives masquerading goddesses and shadows. the humility of old age. cars. impotence. teeth.

and single memories. perfect days. preserved as single roses on silent mountain tops, immune to snowstorms and time.

in the beginning there was me and you.

in the end, there was you and me.

what remains a question of in-between.

in your dreams, we are watching the moon.

in my dreams, you are watching me, too.

oh, how i’ve missed you…

The playlist I will seduce you by.

19 Songs to Rumble Your Loins.

Resistance is futile. Hit play, lay back, succumb. (you can touch me if you want…)

I’m no angel, but please don’t think that I can’t cry

I was on the plane back to California, thinking about the countdown on my camera from a couple of weeks ago. Then I had a thought. I checked when I got home and as I suspected…if the countdown was a 15 day countdown, then it ends on the full moon of October 4th. Interesting because the countdown appeared less than 24 hours after the new moon, which definitely brought some magic in, and new moons and full moons are tied. This is even more interesting, considering each full moon since July has brought something magical and mystical to pass. They say full moons are times of magic and unusual circumstances, as well as seeing the fruition of the seeds you plant during new moons. The timing of this mysterious occurrence seems too coincidental. Will be on the lookout. Anyone who made wishes on September 18th/19th or put something out into the universe should also keep their eyes, hearts and spirit open. What was planted then may suddenly open up their eyes or skies this weekend.

One of the things I’ve written about, is how in a healthy relationship, each partner should want the other to reach for their potential and be the best that they can be. If they love you, they won’t want to limit you. They will want you to have successes in life, and when you have them, they’ll be happy for you, rather than jealous or intimidated. A relationship should bring out the best in both people. And when the best comes out, each partner will respect it and be happy for it.

Now at the end of the retrograde, which also forces people to reflect on the past, I’m thinking about compromises. Where you should compromise (agreements that make sharing a life more positive and comfortable for both partners), and where you shouldn’t compromise (giving up things you want and need in order to feel like yourself, evolve towards a more truthful, higher version of yourself, and the things you need to feel safe, positive and complete. You should never give up anything that compromises your self-respect).

I’ve only been in one relationship where my partner pushed me to be the best that I can be and was always happy for all my successes, and that’s why I always regard it as my best relationship so far. It was also my longest relationship, and the only reason we’re not still together is because I needed someone who had a better practical ability to take care of himself and a future family financially, but the bigger issue, he didn’t set my loins on fire. Without sexual chemistry and attraction to begin with, it’s very hard to sustain a relationship. I know because I read a lot of relationship psychology books at that time to find a loophole and there just isn’t a way around it. He was my best friend, my buddy, a guy happiest in the role as my sidekick. As Brian would say, “You guys would pal around and complete each other’s silliness, but then, you would start thinking about adult responsibilities and you couldn’t see him as the one you could depend on in the long run.” I would push him out to take control of his own dreams and career, and it just put a lot of pressure between us. He tried though, but at the end of the day, I don’t want a guy who’s struggling to fit what I need; it shouldn’t be that way. I want him to feel comfortable being himself, that who he is, is enough for me. As for my ex, for another girl, he will be. He’s a wonderful man who will have a beautiful life with a very nice girl. But he’s just not mine.

The relationship was a very supportive, happy and positive one, but it wouldn’t have worked out, unless I compromised on some things that were important to me. And I still regard him highly as a person (he was loyal, he was kind, he loved my family and brother as his own, his family loved me as their own, he was always there when I needed him even if he didn’t understand half of the existential crises that would take hold of me, and he was a man of infinite sweetness–the number of times he would have to go out of his way to bring my lunch to my office because 5 out of 10 mornings, I would leave it sitting by the front door in my rush to work..but he always did it happily because he regarded it as another chance to see me; the time i went on a business trip to atlanta and cried on the phone when I found out a friend’s mother had passed away, and he called the hotel and ordered milk and cookies to be sent to my room). In many ways, he set the bar for how a kind man who loves a woman should treat her. But in one of the saddest lessons I’ve learned thus far, things can be wonderful, but still not right. I could have probably stayed in that relationship for a couple of more years. But the same valid doubts would have still been there. And eventually, you can’t really have kids if you don’t want to have sex. So…as it goes…life goes on. One day, when we both have families of our own and time under the bridge, we might still be friends again. We’re good at pushing each other towards our dreams, and we’re happy to celebrate each other’s successes.

I know what it means to have a supportive partner, because I’ve had it. I also know what it means to have a partner who can tell you he loves you, but not be happy for you to succeed. You just have to recognize the signs and the language. I’ve had a guy tell me to “get off your high horse,” when I tried to lay out in a cause-effect timeline where our communication was going awry, giving both of us the responsibility in an effort to make things better (he always resented my intelligence and my ability to communicate). I’ve collaborated on projects with guys, and would later, overhear them claiming they did it themselves. Even guys I wasn’t in a relationship with, it ranges from reminding me that my biological clock is ticking (doesn’t work…I can accept a future without children…I’m not going to allow a desire to have children force myself into a bad choice), subtle ways of reminding me that I’m not that special or great but luckily they think I am (says a lot about them), or lamenting that it’s like I’m on another level and resenting it, so the choice is, either meet them on their level or they’re not interested (see ya).

These guys can go. In so many ways, how a person treats you, someone they want next to them, will tell you everything you need to know about what they think of themselves. And if they can meet a great person who is always pursuing her potential, always trying to be the best person she can be not to be better than other people, but to be the best version of herself which would benefit everyone around her, and they can want to tear her down because it makes them feel bad about themselves, then these guys are no prizes. You want someone who strives to be the best person he or she can be, and knows there’s room for everyone to have their personal successes, especially the ones they love most. That when they see you trying to be the most you can be, it makes them happy, because it makes them proud of you, it makes them love you more, it inspires them, and it makes them feel lucky. But it should never make them feel that for their own peace of mind, they have to take it away from you, to bring you down.

Be aware of this dynamic. It happens all the time. The easiest way to tell is whether you feel you are the best version of yourself in the relationship, or that you are being supported towards that. If you feel in any way that your partner is not happy for or is limiting your growth towards positive expansion, then it may be time to take a closer look at the dynamics of your relationship. If you have a partner who supports and applauds the best version of you, then consider yourself very lucky– you already have what many people want. The rest, is in the chemistry and destiny.

night-time julia is so different from day-time julia. day-time julia is half there, half trapped. in the night-time, i am integrated and can fully emerge.