Echo

I’m reviewing this year’s blog stats and noticed January was a high number as well. That makes sense because I was detoxing from destructive chemistry. But I found a post where I listed out things I’m looking for in a partner, points that still ring true and I feel are important for me to keep conscious. This must be why very few guys look very “shiny” to me anymore, and I let the majority of the “river” pass. I’ve gotten locked in on what is ultimately good for me:

Saturday, January 24, 2009

woken up the last 3 days to find myself spooning a cat.

i am, of course, the big spoon.

getting used to sleeping alone. probably realizing how much more together my life has been than i’ve ever been able to give myself credit for, but i have a lot more going for me than most people and i have to stop messing around with weak people because i’m hiding from my own strength and potential.

there are a lot of things and people and bad habits i haven’t got time for anymore. i find that i’m still a pretty nice person, but i just don’t have time for bullshit anymore. i don’t want to fix anyone’s life, and i don’t need anyone messing around in mine. everyone should be accountable for themselves…that’s just the way it should be. everything else, ie human connection and companionship, is just the icing.

i recognize i’m missing my partner. i realized the agenda i made a couple of years ago for the year of fearless living, it helped a lot in that life gave me exactly what i put on that list, even if it came in the form of challenges which i actually asked for. so it’s all good. but seeing the power of lists to help me focus, these are what i want in a partner:

1. a strong man. not a hard man. a strong man who is integrated and self-aware so that he knows when to be strong and when to be vulnerable. it takes a lot of inner strength to be vulnerable. so many men who are actually weak inside confuse being hard with being strong. i meet a lot of guys like this because they tend to like strong women, but then they can’t handle them, can’t really be with them. i need a truly strong man.

2. a man with big dreams and the ability to make them a reality. many have dreams, few have follow through. it’s easy to be given something and make more of it. it’s harder to take nothing–a thought, an idea, a desire–and make it into a reality. i’m one of those people who can. i need someone else who can as well. no more big talkers. only doers.

3. a man with a big heart filled with warmth, compassion, humor and kindness. yes, i know i tend to think of leos as boring, but leo energy is quite expansive and uplifting. it’s the best part of me, and it should be the best part of him. that energy that makes those around him better.

4. warm expressive eyes, a million watt smile. dark hair, dark eyes. it’s just what feels like home.

5. a man who’s happy to see me shine. a man who is confident enough in himself that he can be happy for me and my own successes, just as i will be happy for him and his successes. someone who wants me to be me at my best, at my most charismatic and energetic, and is proud. a man who never limits me with his own insecurities.

6. a man with pride in who he is and what he represents. a man of honor and integrity and dignity, who knows that a partnership is built upon a foundation of two whole and strong people to create something even bigger. someone who sees that anything is possible if you believe.

7. honesty. he will be honest, both with himself and with those close to him. he will know that sometimes life presents us with choices, and he’ll be a man who respects himself and respects me enough to always stick to honesty and integrity, even if it’s hard and even if it means facing things that are difficult to face. trust and honesty are the two basic tenets of a healthy relationship. my man will respect that and see this is a core necessity. he’ll be strong enough to face difficult situations and still be open and honest. he’ll trust me as a partner and treat me as his partner. this will show that he’s worthy of trust.

8. a man who can see the short term and the long term, and whose vision includes both himself and others.

9. a man who’s emotionally, mentally and spiritually mature. a man who knows what it means to be up in life and down in life and knows that nothing is guaranteed. and that so many things in life of value need to be worked for, so he’s not afraid to work hard, and respect those around him because life is complicated and people are complicated but at the end of the day, it’s reality. you make the most of what you’ve got, and you have to create or cocreate your success in life, including relationships.

10. a man who is relationship oriented. all of human interaction is in the relationship. if you respect relationships, you respect other people, you’ll respect your own relationship with yourself. relationships are built and nurtured. no way around it.

11. a man who is family oriented. a man who strives for success and financial freedom and stability, but who also understands the importance of family. i have an amazing, warm, supportive family. a family of strong personalities yes, but a family with lots of love and protective kinship. i want my partner to have a strong, loving family background as well so he knows the meaning of acceptance and love.

12. he must be passionate about me. because i will be passionate about him. he must know that i am the only one for him, because he will be the only one for me. the relationship will be mutually committed because there’s no desire for anything else. it will be incredibly sexually compatible and emotionally safe. we will bring out the best in each other.

13. he will love me as much as i love him. that’s a lot of love and it will benefit and positively change even those around us.

14. he will want to get to know me and want me to get to know him on the deepest of levels.

15. preferably, he will be more of a night owl than an early riser.

16. he’s an inherently happy, optimistic person. nothing is scarier than a deeply unhappy person. we all have our ups and downs but people who are deeply unhappy…it’s almost a character flaw. these people have no desire to become happier and will turn down or rebuke any attempt from others to help them find happiness. deeply unhappy people prefer to stay unhappy. they dig bottomless holes. they’re quite dangerous to anyone who wants to live a happy, fulfilling life. i need someone who is a happy person, because it’s inherently happy and optimistic people who are able to be strong and keep their heads above water in times when life gets really difficult.

17. he must be a man. so many men don’t seem to understand what a man is. it is not being hard. it’s not going through the motions. it’s not saying what you would like to do or how you would like to be seen, but having no substance with which to back it up. being a man is about taking responsibility for yourself first and foremost, about knowing when to be strong and when to be gentle. about knowing that when life is difficult, you don’t run away. about knowing that if you love someone, you should treat them as such. being a man means being composed of the highest moral fiber, and knowing when to admit a mistake and when to forgive yourself or others. being a man means knowing you’re human, but still wanting to be the best person you can be and doing right by yourself and others. i really don’t have time for anyone unless they’re a man, first and foremost. all the boys in the world have used up my patience.

18. he is someone i can look at every day and know that he is the one. he is the one who is the answer to my question and to which i am the answer to his question. he’s the one i’ve been looking for, and i’m the one he’s been loo
king for. i’ve almost got myself in the right position. and when i do, he will find me and he’ll already know, and the way i’ll know is that he’s going to ask the right questions.

actually, i do find that more synchronicities tend to happen during a retrograde. especially the phenomenon of thinking about someone, and they either show up or call out of the blue, or some other tie from the past emerges. the reflection in hindsight after the retrograde ends is usually very rich and beneficial to a person’s path ahead. it’s just all the inconveniences when you’re in it that are such a bitch to deal with.

In the Waiting Line by Zero 7 was playing at the cafe when we walked in today. “Good song,” I said to the barista as soon as I realized it, and asked her if she was playing the whole CD, thinking it was Simple Things by Zero 7 (one of the my favorite all-time albums). But the next song was the Shins and I realized it was the Garden State soundtrack. So random that I would know the music because I don’t consider myself to know that much music…just my small world of it, the music that’s tied to my emotions and inner world.

But regardless, the most interesting thing was this. When I was waiting on the stairs under the bridge the other day, I was listening to Simple Things by Zero 7. I remembered how recently, the song Destiny had been one of my moods (the Wed before finding out about the Mercury’s return, in fact). I thought, that would be crazy if he walked up while that song was playing. He didn’t. However, the song that was playing when he walked up, was In the Waiting Line.

The world is synchronized.

Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real

because aren’t these synchronicities of fate just evidence of the divine?

the more gentle i am, the stronger i am

Today is a 9 Day

Which means it’s my day.

Which means I get to do whatever I want.

Which means I want to make…lists!!!!

Stay tuned.

mercury is pulling out my past with a magnet. i’m finding all kinds of things i’ve never told anyone.

why my references to 6 years old? because that was my peak. that was the last time i remember boys and i still being equal. i want to find that again.

tomorrow is my best friend from when i was 6 year’s old’s birthday. we haven’t seen each other since we were about 8. i have his work address–he’s a neurosurgeon in boston. i’d contemplated sending him a birthday card, but figured if i felt stronger about it, i would eventually do it. now in hindsight, seeing as it’s tomorrow, i guess i didn’t really want to send it.

i remember when i looked him up a few years ago. found his college email. tried it even though it was a long shot. he was ecstatic to hear from me. we traded emails and he told me that when he called his mom and said, “Guess who contacted me today?” His mom said, “Pei-hua?” And he said, “How did you know!!!” He said that his mom always thought we’d get married.

we were both going to be home in the bay area for thanksgiving. we made plans to meet up. i was supposed to call. i didn’t.

that was the end of that. i don’t know. i guess i didn’t want to burst that bubble. we were best friends. we loved and hated each other. but when we banded together, we were superhuman. my life sucked after they separated us. but i finally got back on my feet again, as the woman i was destined to be. both of us were so headstrong, my mom always said, whatever you do, never never never marry a guy like him because you two will compete until you kill each other. there is something beautiful about the memory of a little boy i shared my last years of childhood happiness with. but perhaps i’ve traveled to a different place, and that world is left exactly where it should be, for it to light my night’s sky.

when i jump, the world is just a pinpoint.

when i fall, i land in a world of giants.

if you can’t save me

then join me

we will teach each other how to fly.

it’s hard for me to have to say goodbye in the day time. it’s like a part of me couldn’t be there so half of me missed it. i always feel better with night-time goodbyes. i’m there, i’m conscious, i’m feeling and understanding everything, but yet at night, it makes it easier for me to believe that i will see the person again.

one day i’m going to be the dalai lama of weed.

the sight the will and the way

for some people, it just unlocks them.

the most important thing is for people to see their own reflection

julia laughing.
julia crying.

what a wonderful and beautiful day.

Mercury you FUCKFACE. You have me entered in the screenwriting contest under the name of my BONG.

You’re a dick, you know that?

Fine.

I will write under the pseudonym, BC Chillum.

You’re a real comedian.

Challenge #1 assignment

GENRE – Romance

LOCATION – A wax museum

OBJECT – A bag of potato chips

90’s Flashback

She thinks, we look at each other
Wondering what the other is thinking
But we never say a thing
These crimes between us grow deeper.

-Dave Matthews Band, Ants Marching

My Bright Fuse profile that I’m using to represent myself on the job front. The more I think about it, the more I want a company that can really utilize my unique skillset, instead of me trying to fit my unique skillset into an existing structure. As my dad always says, I’m a competitor and a winner. As my coworkers used to say, I seem to make the most improbable things happen by way of magic. I want to be able to have a good situation to exercise everything I’m capable of doing. Otherwise, I’ll just take a whatever job that allows me to observe life (my God, how badly I want to be a cook or a bartender), or just start up something else on my own again.

Judging By Appearances

If you know me, then you know that one of the most traumatic things that happened to me in my life was that I had a perm. For like 6 years.

Yes, I had a giant, curly triangle on my head that my mother imposed on me from the ages of 11-17. Luckily, she wasn’t a hypocrite as she had one as well, so at least I have that excuse–I didn’t choose the perm, the perm (by way of the will of the Jean) chose me.

On top of that, I was overweight. My friends from high school say they don’t remember me as being overweight, just really stocky and athletic, but Virgo runs in the family on my mom’s side, so I was always being told that I was fat and needed to lose weight. It totally gave me a complex so I spent most of my life on a diet, self-imposed or mother-imposed.

By the time I hit senior year of high school, I’d had enough and cut most of my hair off, growing it out again straight. My mom told me, your face is too big…you’ll never look good with straight hair, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t deal with another year of having a perm. And I’ve never looked back.

This is what I mean when I say my childhood had been character-building. Because my mom and I are so alike, she often had trouble recognizing me as an autonomous being, and to this day, even though we are close like sisters, our biggest conflicts arise out of my needing her to recognize that she doesn’t determine my life. But needless to say, when you have a perm and are overweight, you struggle with confidence, and when you struggle with confidence, you don’t exactly welcome the center stage. So I spent the first stages of my life observing people and life from the sidelines, learning the importance of being a good, kind person, and dreaming of the day when I could have a steamy clandestine affair with a hot Hollywood actor, because I no longer looked like me.

Last month when I saw Rie, we were driving to dinner and she was asking me about my childhood. The fact I had a perm has always been a running joke because I’d cut it off by the time I got to college so she’s never seen me in a perm, but she and Eric had once made a joke that my head looked like an eggplant and I never let them live it down. I told her that because I wasn’t attractive, because I had a lot of upsetting things going on at home (my parents were always fighting because of stress from running a company together and my brother’s issues), and because I had issues at school (I seemed to always have conflict with groups of girls who liked to gang up on me and give me trouble), I wasn’t trusting of people or the world. I saw the world from a very negative and angry place, one that always seemed to sabotage me just as I found a way to feel okay about myself. When I realized I was good at sports, a girl who was jealous of me (a girl, in fact, I had taken a slap for by a girl on another team when I came to defend her) told the varsity softball team that I was telling people that I was the best player ever to come out of the school, so one day they surrounded me outside the locker room to beat me up. My basketball coach saw but pretended she didn’t because she didn’t want to get involved. This guy, Robert, who will always be an angel to me because of this, broke it up and I remember crying in his bear arms as he held me. Later, my dad went to talk to the coach who said he couldn’t let me on the varsity team because I “didn’t seem to get along with the other girls.” Here I was, being scouted by college teams, and he wouldn’t even let me onto the varsity team which had come in last place in the league, because he couldn’t deal with teenage girl drama. So I was relegated to the junior varsity team where at least I won the Most Valuable Player award to salvage the humiliation, and despite my dreams of the Olympics, I quit the sport after that season.

My parents were having major problems. There were explosive arguments. Once, literally over spilled milk, my dad went into a rampage, throwing things at me. By then, I had my driver’s license so I left, sleeping in my car outside of motels, showering at the gym in the morning but still going to school. I was a good kid; I didn’t have the guts to cut class. I guess because my parents thought I’d run away, they contacted the school and found out I was still showing up for class. I remember the day I got pulled out of class and led into a small office. This police officer came in and rather than asking if I had trouble at home, he yelled at me about what I planned to do with my life, if I knew what happens to “kids like me,” if I planned to throw away my life by being irresponsible and disrespectful, that he knew kids like me that thought life was a joke, but he was here to tell me I better shape up or else. It sounded like a canned speech, one he probably gave to every trouble student that came through, but the fact was, I was an honor student, I’d never been in trouble before, I’d already been accepted into the honors college of a top school so I clearly wasn’t throwing my life away, and again, nobody ASKED why I left home. I remember crying through that whole speech, and having to sit through the rest of my day in classes forcing myself not to cry when really, I just wanted to disappear.

The summer before senior year, after I’d cut off that god-forsaken perm, I worked at the local gym. I wanted to work in the cafe (one of my favorite joys in life–feeding people), but they assigned me to work in the locker room. Apparently, it’s notorious for being the worst job that only recent immigrants take it, but because I didn’t know better and was just happy to work at the gym, I accepted it.

My job was to keep the locker room clean. The first week on the job, there was someone who kept shitting in the showers. I mean, I don’t know if they were giving themselves enemas or what, but it was explosive…it was all over the walls. And I had to clean it up because it was my job, so I did. I remember telling my parents about it and they were really upset and told me to quit. But I figured, this is the kind of thing that keeps me humble and I was happy to be making money, so I stayed on even though it was awful (to this day, I still think the shitting was someone who worked for my parents and was getting back at them by fucking with me). I met this guy who worked at the gym and he was a really nice guy. He started leaving me really sweet notes and we went out a few times. I was really shy…I was 17 and never had a boyfriend. He was my first kiss.

Then one day, a month later, this other girl who worked at the gym said she wanted to talk to me and pulled me out to the parking lot. She told me that the guy was an asshole and was never going to tell me, so she had to. He had a girlfriend…someone he’d been dating for years. He was just messing around with me.

That was devastating. And because I’m kind of timid in confronting people sometimes, I never told him I knew. I just stopped hanging out with him. But I remember being really depressed for a while, quitting to work at a restaurant. I think it must have had a really deep effect on me, because I went through college without dating, not having my first real boyfriend until after I’d graduated. There’s an urban legend at Michigan that if a virgin were to ever graduate from our school, these two stone pumas outside our library would roar. When I graduated, I remember specifically going by the library to check out the pumas to see if they had come to life.

So many of these incidences made me not feel very connected with people or the world. I kept myself self-contained, and didn’t really trust people to have good intentions unless they proved themselves. I felt like I was really angry and bitter, all through college, at least that was my memory of it, but that night in the car with Rie when I told her some of this, she was surprised.

“Didn’t you think I was an angry person?” I asked her.< br />
“I had no idea,” she said. “I’ve always thought really highly of you, Julia.”

I remember turning my head to look out the window, tears stinging my eyes. I’m so lucky to have a friend like Rie. It’s so much about perception…I must have been in a lot of pain growing up, and it clouded my perception of the world, but I was probably still a nice person because that’s who I am inherently. But I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t feel it. I remember when my 2nd year college roommate Michele got married, I went to her wedding and her sister (whom I’ve never met) came rushing up to me.

“So you’re Julia!” she said. She gave me a big warm hug like I’d been a family friend for a lifetime. “We’re so thankful to you. Michele had a really rough time her first years of college, and if it hadn’t been for you, she probably would have dropped out. You mean so much to her.” I was shocked. I remember late night conversations with Michele. But I didn’t remember being any kind of guiding light or rock of support. Just feeling lost myself, and Michele listening to me. I guess that’s perception. I guess I was feeling so bad about myself, I never saw that I was important to people.

I told Rie that I would have never dreamed that I would one day be in the place I am today. I could have never imagined that someday I would have the confidence to navigate this world the way I do now, to go after the things I wanted. Most of all, I would have never, ever, ever, ever, ever imagined that I could be good-looking.

“Really?” she said. “I can’t believe that.”

“Never,” I said. “I don’t really like to look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I look at myself and I can’t believe this person I’m looking at. But I don’t put too much attention into it, because any day now, it could change again. So I just keep focusing on what I know, that I’m a good person who wants to do good in this world.”

Today, as I was walking home, I saw a red-haired guy with glasses and a laptop bag hurrying down the stairs towards me. When he looked up at me, he stopped in his tracks.

“Wow,” he said. “You look really fantastic today.”

I laughed and thanked him, and he smiled, sincerely. It was a really nice thing for him to say, and I really appreciated it.

I think this is why I don’t understand this pervasive feeling in Seattle. It doesn’t happen all of the time, like the interaction today was a nice one. But I also have these experiences where people are kind of rude to me without getting to know me because they assume I’m a bitch. And they seem surprised when I’m not, and they’ll mention, “You’re nicer than I thought you would be. Most girls like you are usually bitchy.”

“Like you” ?

What does that mean?

I hate people who think that I must take things for granted, because of the things I have now, because of how easy life seems to come to me.

What they don’t know is, everything I have, I’ve earned. For years, I was judged for being ugly. Now I’m being judged for not being ugly. For years I was disregarded for what I didn’t have. Now I’m being disrespected for what I do have. Sometimes, I feel like with small-minded people, you can’t win. All it shows is how judgmental they are, how insecure they feel about themselves, and it reminds me why it doesn’t matter what other people think. I want to surround myself with people who appreciate me for the core of what I am–a good person with a kind heart. I don’t give a shit what smaller people try to project onto me. Because that’s their garbage, not mine.

oooh, screenwriting competition starts at 11:59PM tonight! wish me luck! wait, i don’t need luck. wish me inspiration!

Conversation with Michael the last night he was here

Me: Have you seen any ghosts lately?
Michael: Not really.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that there are aliens here?
Michael: Yes.
Me: How so?
Michael: Just that when someone’s not telling the truth, I wonder if they’re from outer space.

(Michael and I aren’t so different after all…)

Me: Do you like this place?
Michael: Yes, because you can hear everything.
Me: Do you feel like I made the right choice with this place?
Michael: You should have gotten it sooner.
Me: I don’t think this city was available to me sooner.

We talked about our mom. He tells me that I sing better than her because I sing “loud and high” and she can’t.

Michael: She doesn’t like to show her emotions.
Me: Mom’s hard to train, isn’t she?
Michael: Yes, she is.
Me: Does dad show his emotions?
Michael: Yes, he knows how.
Me: Can you?
Michael: I can sing loud and high.
Me: No you don’t. You rarely sing. Do you mean you sing loud inside, even though we can’t hear you?
Michael: Yes.
Me: So inside, your singing is loud and full of emotion, but you just look quiet to us.
Michael: Yes.
Me: And that’s just the way it is?
Michael: That’s just the way it is.

We talked about our dad. Michael said that Dad is a lot calmer and takes things easy now. He told me that our dad used to spank him with a belt. What? I didn’t know this. He said, just once. The way he described it, it sounded like my dad might have been drunk.

Michael: Dad came into my room one night and spanked me with a belt. He came in, he could barely talk or walk. He got mad because I was being defiant and he spanked me. But it’s over now. He regrets and he knows it’s not okay.
Me: Have you talked about it?
Michael: I told him, I didn’t like what he did then, but I forgive him.
Me: Did you really say this to him.
Michael: I thought about saying it.
Me: Promise me you will.
Michael: Okay.
Me: Promise me you won’t forget. It will be important for him.
Michael: Okay.

A happy Michael and a Sun Dial