Echo

The great behavioral psychologist, Abraham Maslow’s 19 Characteristics of a Self-Actualizer (pulled from Philosophers Notes). Or as I like to think of it, the 19 Keys to becoming an embodied 9:

1. Perception of Reality: These individuals tend to have a “superior relationship with reality” and are “generally unthreatened and unfrightened by the unknown.” In fact, “They accept it, are comfortable with it, and, often are even more attracted by it than by the known. They not only tolerate the ambiguous and unstructured–they like it.”

2. Acceptance: “Even the normal member of our culture feels unnecessarily guilty or ashamed about too many things and has anxiety in too many situations. Our healthy individuals find it possible to accept themselves and their own nature without chagrin or complaint or, for that matter, without even thinking about the matter that much.”

3. Spontaneity: The behavior of the self-actualizing individual is “marked by simplicity and naturalness, and by lack of artificiality or straining for effect.”

4. Problem Centering: Self-actualizers customarily have some “mission in life.”

5. Solitude: Self-actualizing individuals “positively like solitude and privacy to a definitely greater degree than the average person.”

6. Autonomy: “They have become strong enough to be independent of the good opinion of other people, or even of their affection. The honors, the status, the rewards, the popularity, the prestige, and the love they can bestow must have become less important than self-development and inner growth.”

7. Fresh Appreciation: “Self-actualizing people have the wonderful capacity to appreciate again and again, freshly and naively, the basic goods of life, with awe, pleasure, wonder and even ecstasy, however stale these experiences may have become to others.”

8. Peak Experiences: It’s been called “flow” or “being in the zone.” Whatever you want to call it, self-actualizers tend to experience it more often than average.

9. Human Kinship: “Self-actualizing people have a deep feeling of identification, sympathy, and affection for human beings in general. They feel kinship and connection, as if all people were members of a single family.” “Self-actualizing individuals have a genuine desire to help the human race.”

10. Humility and Respect: All of Maslow’s subjects “may be said to be democratic people in the deepest sense…they can be friendly with anyone of suitable character, regardless of class, education, political belief, race or color. As a matter of fact it often seems as if they are not aware of these differences, which are for the average person so obvious and so important.”

11. Interpersonal Relationships: “Self-actualizing people have these especially deep ties with rather few individuals. Their circle of friends is rather small. The ones that they love profoundly are few in number.”

12. Ethics: “They do right and do not do wrong. Needless to say, their notions of right and wrong and of good and evil are often not the conventional ones.”

13. Means and Ends: “They are fixed on ends rather than on means, and means are quite definitely subordinated to these ends.”

14. Humor: “They do not consider funny what the average person considers to be funny. Thus they do not laugh at hostile humor (making people laugh by hurting someone) or superiority humor (laughing at someone else’s inferiority) or authority-rebellion humor (the unfunny, Oedipal, or smutty joke).”

15. Creativity: “This is a universal characteristic of all the people studied or observed. There is no exception.”

16. Resistance to Enculturation: “Of all of them it may be said that in a certain profound and meaningful sense they resist enculturation and maintain a certain inner detachment from the culture in which they are immersed.”

17. Imperfections: Actualizers “show many of the lesser human failings. They too are equipped with silly, wasteful, or thoughtless habits. They can be boring, stubborn, irritating. They are by no means free from a rather superficial vanity, pride, partiality to their own productions, family, friends, and children. Temper outbursts are not rare.”

18. Values: “A firm foundation for a value system is automatically furnished to self-actualizers by their philosophic acceptance of the nature of self, of human nature, of much of social life, and of nature and physical reality.”

19. Resolution of Dichotomies: “The dichotomy between selfishness and unselfishness disappears altogether in healthy people because in principle every act is both selfish and unselfish.”

toss it through space
toss it through time
future throws it to past
who writes it down for future
this is the way i occupy myself
believing i’m not alone
until i find signs of someone else here on earth
who can actually hear me and find me

i’m not psychic. i just have a kind of projective elasticity. and i’m good with probability.

Fulghum says the most important word is LOOK
I say the most useful word is FIND

time and space are interchangeable to me, which helps me find their positions by using one to find the other. then, if you know the points on the x and y axes, it’s easy to project z. you need all 3 points to triangulate truth.

julia and her blog. bending time. i’m surprised people haven’t noticed.

i was doing a serious jog, wearing all black, listening to royksopp: back to mine, thinking about my body as a machine of flesh and gleaming metal. as i was running across the street, this granola-y girl with wire-frame glasses in a station wagon is waiting to make an unprotected left turn. she eyes me approvingly as i run across the street and as she makes the turn, she leans her head out the window and yells, “awesome.”

when i tell friends that a certain man in my life needs to learn how to live without me, it’s about how some people need to learn to appreciate someone when they’re there, not only lament when they’re gone. if i had to learn it, so do you!

If you’ll be my bodyguard…I can be your long lost pal…

oh, you have to dance this one out!!

i don’t go fast. i go big. when you catch me in my natural state (more so at night), i’m moving things around me very fast, but if you look into my eyes, i’m completely fixed. the speed is an illusion. it’s the power to make things move by remaining very still. but i feel compelled to disguise this unless i am very comfortable. i don’t really like the world to go too fast because my core is slow. powerful but slow.

the reason i am cautious of connections is because people are always robbing me blind. i don’t think they mean to, but when i decide i want to give, i give until the person stands up and is in a good place. but some people aren’t looking for a boost, but rather, an energy source like an IV, so they pretend they’re trying to stand up, but they end up draining me. since david, i’ve been good about recognizing these types and avoiding the initial connection. to be honest, that 47 year-old guy and his hostile greedy refusal to take no for an answer was symbolic of what compelled me to move to seattle–i needed a place where i can connect on my terms. i don’t judge why people drain in an unhealthy way, the intentions behind this run the spectrum of motivation and intent, but from a purely problem solving point of view, i’ve had to be more conscious of relationship dynamics and be careful that i fully understand the connection as it develops. particularly when i’m being compelled to give and it’s a strong and pure energy source, i have to receive something back so i can balance what i’m giving. sometimes all i need back is a conscious understanding and appreciation that something greater is happening, and honoring that.

i feel compromised in the day time. the sun still gives me hell unless i wear a hat, which i like to do anyway when i don’t want people having a direct line at my eyes. it’s like when an off-duty taxi turns his light off. it means i’m taking in, not giving out. but i can tell i’m not complete. like being not as sharp…half of me hasn’t fully come through into this world. that’s why i appreciate a great sunset. it’s like an opening ceremony. when the sun goes down, i get the best of both worlds–i have beautiful light without direct sun to gather myself in peace before moving into night where i am closer to myself and can do the greatest good.

i’ve been looking at that 22 in the date and thinking it seems to be beaming a sparkle of magic, but it’s not really a 22 day. It’s a 24 day.

and then randomly opening a book to page 42, i found the magic for someone.

42 on 24.

my instincts are good.

i am happy to have been given the opening to do it.

it’s okay. don’t be afraid.

find a simple life.

i am a self-actualizing gemini, but don’t be mistaken. i am a raging sky, a tempest, a flood. a saharan desert of grains and grains of sand revealing everything and nothing. i am one tiny person, heart in hand, thinking, at the bottom of a silent ocean. i am human–fighting for what it means to be human, so one day, i will be familiar to anyone who has never believed in their own reflection.

i’m sitting here writing, and there are two repair people fixing my dryer (a man and a woman) out of view on the other side of the kitchen. here are snippets that i’m overhearing. now imagine me sitting in my living room, typing this all out, quietly giggling.

Woman: How far do we have to pull it out?
Man: Enough to get my fat ass back there.

Woman: Be careful of the pipes.
Man: It’s okay, I know what I’m doing.

Woman: We’re going to have to pull out more.
Man: I think I have enough room to make this happen.

Woman: (breathlessly) Oh, you’re almost there…you’re almost there…oh yeah, you’re almost there.
Man: (grunts)

Woman: I wanna get back there to see this. Oh God, why am I so fat…oh, it’s just a little piece. It’s just a little piece that you have to pull off.
Man: I think you can totally work it from the front.

(I struggled so hard to keep my laughing silent that I got a side cramp)

dear other,
if anything should ever happen to me,
promise me you will write.

am trying to work up the motivation to try on my bridesmaid dress for my cousin daisy’s wedding next week. it’s strapless so the only things expected to hold up the dress are my breasts, so i’m thinking, if there’s anyone who’s going to end up exposing herself at the wedding, it will be me. 12 years ago, when i wasn’t yet the composed, super mature woman i am now, i got slightly (incredibly) drunk off my two cocktails at the reception and as legend goes, hit on the cameraman mercilessly and then nodded off during the banquet. my cousins still refuse to let me live it down, even when i bring up the fact that my cousin who got married was pregnant at the time of her wedding (and yet i’m the enduring scandal?!?). now i’m so scared of this dress and its potential for comic humiliation, it just hangs in my closet, taunting me.

i always tell the truth. but some details of truth, i take my time revealing until the moments feel right.

unexpected but not altogether surprising. i had a feeling it was 50/50 if it was going to be a specific someone or someone new. now the question is, is there an unknown person holding greater lightning who is actually behind this person in time?

or does that reveal occur during Act III: San Francisco–The Journey Home…

people think i know san francisco because i grew up in the bay area. to be honest, it’s as foreign to me, yet romantically familiar, as seattle. i haven’t explored it yet. i’ve been saving it for the most interesting chapter.

i’ve been erroneously describing seattle as temporary. more accurately, i’m establishing it as secondary. how i would describe northern california? major.

i am capable of the patience of a saint, or i have less patience than would fill a thimble.

it all depends.

the mood.

the thought.

the weather.

how much you mean to me.

to be honest, i’m a great friend and partner but an uncomfortable girlfriend. i’ve never been comfortable under the label. imagine having to wear a sweater with a tag that kept scratching your neck but you couldn’t take it off. i don’t know how to wear labels.

don’t really know what that word means. i don’t know what a lot of words that make up labels mean. sometimes words are used to store up so many concrete and vague ideas that their entire meaning becomes fuzzy. words have so much power. words have no power. it’s just a matter of intent. words themselves are just the packaging. sometimes i wonder if i avoid relationships because i don’t want to wear a label. i’m not someone’s bitch. i’m not someone’s savior. i’m not 16 years old going boyfriend/girlfriend steady. don’t call me a girl.

okay, i lied. i’m a wonderful girlfriend. i just prefer to be simply introduced by my name.

i like being a friend. i like being a partner. i like being a connection. i like being inspiration. i like being supportive. i like creating storms. i like being a loved one. i like opening eyes. i like being interesting. i like being honest. i like you and you and you…until i don’t like you and you, but give me a bit of space and i’ll come back to liking you. i am not an accessory you keep in your pocket. i am not your college sweetheart. i don’t wear things that are pink and fuzzy, unless i want to wear things that are pink and fuzzy. i won’t hit on your friends. but i probably know what they’re like in bed with more mental ease than you care to believe. i can see the future. but i won’t tell you if you’re in it. you’ll wonder if i think you’re good enough for me and you’ll resent me just for thinking it. i’ll threaten to disappear, maybe one day for good. yet i never fail to be waiting for you, like you’re the only person who completes my world. when you’re down, nobody wraps you in safety like i do. when you’re up, no one tells you how great you are, just for being you. i’m both faithful and loyal, though sometimes errant. i will be so unabashedly open, you will swear somewhere, i’m keeping secrets. you don’t doubt i would kill to protect loved ones. and you know never to steal my credit. when someday i finally trust you, i will cook for you. when we laugh until we cry, you will be convinced we were 6 year-old best friends in a past life. i’ll tell you about my 6 year-old best friend, and you’ll quietly be jealous. i’ll tell you stories about how i terrorized little boys on the playground, and you’ll be horrified over how they probably secretly loved me. i’ll tell you that i’m capable of strange and awesome magic, and you’ll tell me you believe me. you’ve witnessed how the universe seems to align for me. my ego is a giant, sometimes standing in as another person to talk to when i’m lonely. but it’s an honest person, and in quiet moments when i don’t notice, you lift up the curtain to comfort the little girl inside. you love the person you are through my eyes, and friends will tell you you’ve never looked better or happier. and secretly at night, you ask yourself, is it just a matter of time before i lose her. your mother will have high hopes. your mother will be concerned. you wonder if you ever envisioned the mother of your children as a force of nature. your friends will stop calling. your friends wish they had what you have. but you never want to go anywhere. because you’re always going somewhere, in every thought and flight, even in sleep. you will be terrified to disappoint me. i will be terrified to disappoint you. we will find so many adventures around each corner, we won’t have time to wallow in disappointment. we are so tired we rest. we are so bored, we move. you have never been so happy. you have never been so tortured. like lightning striking a bed of feathers, you have never known so much inside so little. only that the person sleeping in your arms is the most extraordinary creature you have ever encountered. and you’ve never felt so alive.

two children of mercury in conversation is like catching fireflies

i should probably not be telling this story, but i hope that my indiscretion is forgiven by those involved.

i have a very good male friend. he is my oldest friend. we have known each other since we were 10 year olds in the 5th grade. i was a little shit when i was younger, bullying the boys. so our paths crossed when i tried to beat them up to get their basketball.

we became friends our last semester of high school as 17 year-olds when we both got jobs at the same restaurant. if you ask him today, he won’t tell you that he didn’t like me in the years between, only that he “didn’t have a problem with me.” that is kind.

we agreed to go to senior prom together as friends but then he ditched me at the last moment because he had an opportunity to go with the swedish exchange student. i was in a pickle and my parents love me a lot so they found a 2nd cousin in los angeles i didn’t really know to fly up and go with me. that was one of those experiences that has kept my ego humble. no one outside of my family knows i had to go to senior prom with my cousin. that’s a blog exclusive!

later he said he wish he’d gone with me because he would have had more fun. even after that, i couldn’t be mad at him, even though it took my parents years to forgive him. when i was younger, i didn’t have the guts not to forgive someone, and now that i’m older, i have the guts to forgive.

he went to la for college and i went to michigan. i graduated a year early and moved to la while he had another year of school left, and i hung out a little with him and his amazing girlfriend, but to be honest i was really depressed when i first got to la and kind of traumatized by my sudden independence, that i locked myself in my apartment and for the most part, disappeared.

over the years, we were always close because we’re both very intelligent, spiritual, emotional deep thinkers. we both feel awkward in the social constraints of a human world. but i always respected him, our friendship and their relationship, and the three of us were good friends.

there was a period about 5 years ago. i don’t remember it exactly, so a lot of this information comes from my mom. he would call me and drop hints about problems in his relationship. he mentioned red flags. i knew he and his girlfriend had gone through their ups and downs but they were great together. i really liked them together. we were both in our hometown one week and he came to see me. i felt really awkward about the meeting, kind of scared of what might be said that could not be taken back. but it was just lunch and after more months went by, things seemed better for them again. they just got married last year.

when we danced together at his wedding, i was so happy because he was so happy. it was one of those mutual tears of happiness moments. later, when i went back to our table, my mom leaned over and whispered, “that was beautiful. i took pictures of your dance so you can see for yourself. another woman might be jealous and threatened by your relationship, but [his wife] is an amazing woman who understands. anyone can see how much you two love each other. it’s a beautiful friendship.”

my friend is a very conscious person. as am i. perhaps there is a draw to be close with someone who is as wonderfully and painfully aware of life and its complexities as you are. there’s an understanding, and such a relief and gratitude for that. but at the end of the day, can two complex people filled with questions find peace in a domestic world lacking answers? or do people who are complex require extraordinarily strong but uncomplicated people to lead them back when their eyes and minds get twisted from exertion, to stroke their hair as they fall asleep, letting the concerns of the world drift away for another day.

my mom always asserts that there had been something on the table, a question of maybe, but because i had refused to acknowledge it and he never asked, it was never formed into words, which is why he and i still have a strong, untainted relationship today. his wife and i also have a wonderful sisterhood. and best of all, i love what they bring out of each other as a couple. they are strong together.

i only want what’s mine. and for my loved ones, i only want what makes them happy. i did not believe as a partner, i could ultimately make him happier than I could make him as a friend. and because i believed that, i was right.