Echo

now or never…3am walk in the rain?

oh my god, the season changed! oh my god, the rain is beautiful!

i think the reason i really like seattle is that no one knows me here, so no one has a point of reference for noticing that i’m a different person almost every day. that gives me freedom to be myself.

congrats, kid. this is the first 3am you’ve made it to in a really long time.

the train whistles here aren’t as romantic as the train whistles at home, but they’re good enough while i’m working. sometimes when i hear them, i get so happy, i curl up on the floor, laughing. i can’t believe i’m here.

i like my place. it’s private. there’s a sacred solitude. only michael has been here (he helped me build it), and the cable guy. when i imagined it, i always said it was a place no one knew about, the place where i go when i disappear. it reminds me of somewhere else i’ve been and loved, somewhere just a breath outside my periphery, maybe here on earth, maybe in a distant memory. that’s why i just won’t give out my phone number here. this place is for me.

all i have is an air mattress that kind of feels like a waterbed, which reminded me of a curious time in my childhood when i slept in a waterbed. ah, how our early experiences shape our eyes. i kind of like it. i contemplated the poetry of just making this the arrangement, sleeping on an air mattress that i have to keep inflated with my own breath, with the only other real piece of furniture being the chair i sit in when i stare out at the ocean.

this makes me want to run a social experiment of what would happen if i only interact with the world at night and responsible julia says, “nooooo.”

so many decisions to make! i really like my pace of life right now. today i ate 2 sandwiches for lunch, met a tour group of women all outfitted from head to toe to hair in hot pink, played the only video game i have for 6 hours (nba live09–finally got a chance to break it out). did a fantasy draft and got rashard lewis, al jefferson, andris biedrins, chris paul, mike conley jr., nick young and anthony randolph for my golden state warriors. went undefeated for the first 5 games. it was like a warriors fan’s dream, to take control of our beloved team and steer them into victory. i love my basketball team the way i love a little brother with a disability who has a heart of gold. it felt good to imagine an inspirational, happy world for something i love, even if only in a video game.

my mom called. everyone was in a good mood. i almost told her about what i’d been doing, but felt tired at the thought of trying to explain to her why i was happy. our whole family loves the warriors. i’m convinced that this past april, when jamal crawford pushed through the crowd after our last home game to give my dad a hug and thank him, that was a miracle to give him a push towards living.

light changes time to color.

we are all the same
and sometimes we are different

i don’t want anyone who will clip my wings.
i want someone who can fly.

Losing the star without a sky
Losing the reasons why
You’re losing the calling that you’ve been faking
And I’m not kidding

It’s damned if you don’t and it’s damned if you do
Be true ’cause they’ll lock you up in a sad sad zoo
Oh hidy hidy hidy what cha tryin to prove
By hidy hidy hiding you’re not worth a thing

Sew your fortunes on a string
And hold them up to light
Blue smoke will take
A very violent flight
And you will be changed
Sand everything
And you will be in a very sad sad zoo.

I once was lost but now I’m found was blind
But now I see you
How selfish of you to believe in the meaning of all the bad dreaming

Metal heart you’re not hiding
Metal heart you’re not worth a thing

–cat power

i’m thinking, reading back to what i wrote about wanting a reason to change the season…i’ve been bright and uncomplicated for a while now, and i know that emotional storms bleed the most creativity for me. i’ve told people that i suspect i’ve come to seattle to self-induce a depression. now that i’m on the eve of something that i feel strongly is coming in, something electrical (i see all the signs), i wonder if i’m really ready.

but then again, with most big things in life, you’re never ready. you just look back and you say, “these are the things that happened.” and you say it with whatever beliefs you’ve decided to accept things with that allow you to maintain who you are (or who you believe you are). there really are no right answers, only what you want to make of things. i think all big life changes are scary. fear of the unknown, fear of your untested capabilities, fear of your true hidden nature, yet a feeling of inevitability. but in a way, everything that happens is good for you. nothing good comes from spending a lifetime sitting in the same place, as the same person. acknowledge the fear, acknowledge your humanness, but walk into the next step with your eyes open.

i bought a really good bottle of port today and had a glass for the end of the evening (or the beginning of my night). to passionate storms and even more passionate words upon words. to love, fear, regret and redemption in past present and future. to you and me, and everything in between.

we’ll get through this. there are smiles on the other side of the forest.

there is this one store on 3rd street that plays opera over speakers 24/7. i have yet to figure out what that store is because i’m always on the other side of the street when i walk by.

Things this Mercury Retrograde has put on the fritz:

-my Polar heart rate monitor watch (as the repairman said, “She’s a dead soldier.”). Had to buy a replacement. Working out has been brutal because I set calorie goals and now I’m adrift because I have no way of gauging workouts. It is making me lackadaisical.

-my Kindle. On top of not having my heart rate monitor, I have nothing to focus my attention since my Kindle has been sent back in exchange for a Kindle II.

-my new router. It’s currently being used as an expensive jack extension since it’s fickle about its wifi functionality. Homeboy needs to understand who he’s working for.

-my car key/my car. On the way here, the comfort access malfunctioned so it wouldn’t let us in the car. On top of that, the key’s buttons no longer worked. Luckily, Michael has my spare so the buttons on that one worked, but comfort access is still wonky. I have to take it in. This car drives me crazy.

-my GPS system. The number of times it’s tried to get me to turn the wrong way down a one way street, or completely lost my position.

Other little electronic malfunctions to my laptop, phone and ipod. Can’t wait for the retrograde to be over. Can’t wait to stop thinking about the past (another symptom of the retrograde).

Oh, I do remember this. When I got in my my car, the song “Good” by Better than Ezra came on and all the good feelings that have run through the last two months came flooding back. I attribute that to the power of a 29 day.

today was a 29 day. a repeat of the forces of 09/09/09 (09/18/09), so i expected something interesting…something new to emerge from the fabric of reality. i’d also been warned to beware of being too isolated this week, as i’m vulnerable to feeling down at this time. yet today, i felt more adrift than any of the days i’ve spent in seattle, despite it being a beautiful sunny day and waking up to the sound of boat horns and train whistles.

i just felt hollow. can not explain it. have plenty to read, plenty to watch, plenty to take in, but a tinge of sadness to everything.

who am i? what am i?

does the world have a place for me?

mercury has been in retrograde and i’ve been telling everyone that september would be a hard month, particularly stressful the 15th-23rd. just gotta get through this, everyone. it’s just one of those things. it’s not you, it’s all of us. but it’s a good time to reflect and try to get something positive out of this anxious intro/retrospection.

give me a reason to change the season.
but please
be kind.

My interview with Jeremy Piven the weekend Grosse Point Blank came out. Still one of my favorites:

http://www.pub.umich.edu/daily/1997/apr/04-11-97/arts/arts4.html

so happy tonight.

where are all the good men dead? in the heart or in the head?

I just find it amusing that you came from somewhere.

i have decided grosse point blank is my favorite movie.
closer is the film that resonates the most.

Grosse Point Blank.

This movie holds some of my happiest memories.

i am
artist en realization.
giant core of electricity
too small for the eye to see
but the biggest thing you can believe

just touch me
when the sun goes down
if you want something to believe.

I lie awake
I’ve gone to ground
I’m watching porn
In my hotel dressing gown
Now I dream of you
But I still believe
There’s only enough for one in this
Lonely hotel suite

The journey’s long
And it feels so bad
I’m thinking back to the last day we had.
Old moon fades into the new
Soon I know I’ll be back with you
I’m nearly with you
I’m nearly with you

–zero7