Echo

22 Day Wishlist

I’m taking advantage of this 22 day to make a of list of goals.

1. Income. Lots of it. So I can buy more homes, increase personal freedom.

2. New career challenges and achievements. To land in a work community where I meet new people, have new challenges and can discover new facets of my abilities. A new runway for achievement. Give me the right goals and situation, then tie your company’s success to my own, and I will get us there. Just put me in the best situation to succeed, then trust me…I’ll do the rest.

3. 1311 Abbott Kinney. I want it. Someday, it will be mine.

4. For this stalker to leave me alone. He is performing the most egregious disregard of my boundaries and personal wishes in recent history. I am trying to not give it any attention, but this guy is definitely a soulsucker, an annoying distraction, and it’s getting harder and harder to not want to go kick his ass. But the right thing to do is to continue ignoring. I wish for the universe to send him something else shiny to chase, so that he will forget me.

5. Words. Please give me the organization and concentration to turn my words into something that can be unified and published.

6. Book tour. I want to go on a book tour in the next 2 years so I have a reason to travel the world and connect to a broader base of strangers who are open to connecting. And find my dude. I’ve always known the book comes before the dude. Or the book leads me to the dude.

7. Teach. I want to teach. I don’t care if it’s a Learning Annex seminar on self-empowerment, or a writing class, I would like to teach. Or give motivational speeches. They’re kind of similar outputs in my mind.

8. Collaboration — I want to find a business partner whose strengths complement my strengths, and our respective weaknesses are compensated by the other’s strengths. I want to find someone I can really work with, start building tangible things.

9. Roots. Once creative flow is established and income lines opened, I want to stabilize, focus on security and find someone to share my life with.

To Do Today:

1. Write my bio for basketball blog.
2. Put up my resume online
3. Watch the sunset and write
4. Pack

had an intimate night with colin. he brought wine and i cooked. he wanted to try the salmon i caught, so i made a salmon dip with flaxseed water crackers, broiled salmon rubbed with garlic and olive oil, a seared asparagus salad with goddess dressing. a simple meal. colin thanked the fish for nourishing us. we spent time on the balcony and he commented how this was the best place on earth. we haven’t sat alone on this balcony since before i jumped into the well and took off for europe. it was a beautiful night. we shared many beautiful insights.

one thing i wanted to remember. i asked him what i was like before i changed. he said i was very fragmented, like it was frustrating because you would get glimpses of someone really cool, but it was hard to get close to me. he said it was easy for me to live that way because it was safe, but now, it’s completely different. just my eyes, the way i look at people, i’m completely connected. it feels like i’m building a safe area for people to be comfortable, instead of people having to build a safe area for me. he says i’ve come a long way.

i believe the same for him. that we have both kept our eyes focused on something in the distance which we’ve put our faith in, and through that trust, we’ve managed to navigate life and reach new levels of awareness. we talked about how we work for the light, and while light will never defeat darkness, what is most important is that we balance it. about how, with so much insight and power, it is so easy to take over someone else, will them to give you what you want, but it takes so much restraint and honor to stay on your side, and not exert your will. we talked about sex (he’s one of the few people i talk honestly with about this topic). i asked him if he thought celibacy gives you power and he said, absolutely. i told him i was concerned how i was going to come down off this platform…that because sex is such a great force on me that it completely pulls my focus, i can’t do anything if the availability of sex is there. colin says he understands abstinence because he went 5 years once, then most recently, 2. we are similar in this way. we are also people who are aware that we are very motivated by sex. so perhaps we perform these acts of discipline in order for our minds to stay focused on what we need to be doing in the bigger picture.

colin notes the fact i can be so distracted by sex as one of the ways i think like a man. i tell him that lately, i’ve noticed that gay guys try to get with me, and straight girls keep trying to kiss me. so i’m turning gay men straight, and straight girls gay. i ask him what’s up with that, and he says it’s because i’m basically masculine energy inside a beautiful woman. and people sense that. he said i probably intimidate a lot of guys, because they get close to me and realize i’m a better man than they, but it’s good for them because it makes them better themselves. he said that he has feminine energy, so that’s why people are so attracted to him. basically, we have achieved a balance of masculine and feminine, yin and yang, in a self-contained, personal fashion. i believe it. i feel if the night is deep enough and i’m feeling generous, i can turn into anything a person wants me to be. and it’s still me, just another side of me. but i feel i’m able to achieve that, because i always know where my roots are, the core around which i’ve achieved balance.

he wanted me to read cards for him. so i did 3 passes, his current state, how he is at age 40, and what’s going to happen to his house. everything i saw was very positive, open and stable. very nice.

we laid on the floor by candlelight, talking about life, love and dreams. he fell asleep. i covered him with a blanket and left a pillow by his head, then went out to look at the sky. foggy today, but my little gold man is above the clouds, still pointing off into the distance.

i thought of how big the world is. so big, i can fit it into the palm of my hand. but then i think, why not let it unfold when it’s ready. so i put it down, bury it in the earth, and sit under the shade of a tree, waiting to see what it becomes.

had basketball training today. put a basketball in my hand and i am poetry in motion.

i wish i played like this when i was 21. i would have been a college athlete and maybe gone professional by now. my knees…how they failed me. perhaps that was the universe’s way of telling me athletics weren’t my path. but whenever i’m playing and people comment about how hard i work, how good i am, how they can’t believe i’m in my 30’s, i always laugh inside at anyone who truly believes i have no discipline. i tend to joke and defer attention away from how serious and intense i am, making self-deprecating comments about how i have no discipline or self-control, but seriously, look at my life. look at my body, my mind, my outlook. how much discipline it has taken to be who i am today, where i am today. it makes me feel really good when people recognize and respect that.

and patience. when it comes to waiting for the right moment, the amount of patience i can dedicate to infatuation or goals is astounding. for 2 years, i’ve been busting my ass to cross paths with baron davis, for reasons i don’t know myself, but i’ve never forced it. i know it will happen when i’m in the right position. for 3 years of college (my entire college career), i didn’t date anyone because i was in love with a boy whom i could never express myself to. i have that discipline. and i have that patience when it comes to things i believe in, waiting for the right moment to grasp, even if that moment extends through my lifetime and never comes. but i can have that patience for the right moment.

i can get in quick, or i have the patience for a slow seduction…

i think seduction is about opening doors. making a connection. getting someone to put their trust in you, let you in. sometimes it’s mutual. those are the best seductions. but it’s got a stigma because people often use powers of seduction to win someone over, get something from someone else, whether or not their intentions are good or self-motivated. people don’t like to feel that someone has power over them. i’m quite adept at seduction…because my inner truth and capacity for faith is seductive. but i’m careful about not wanting people to feel i have ulterior motives, or power over them. this is why i have no second step. be it timidity, or an ethical constraint where i refuse in any way to have my presence construed as self-motivated or manipulative, i don’t do anything or take anything without someone consciously and clearly offering it to me. i don’t want anything from anyone unless they are sure they want to give it. i refuse to be an instrument of their own remorse or masochistic cycles (you’ll meet some people in life who have a bad habit of giving away things, and then feeling resentful like victims. don’t let them use you to complete this negative cycle). i just like to get in, understand people, help if i can, take only what people truly want to exchange. but usually, i leave everything the way i find it. it’s like the vampire code. i only go where i’m invited. people have to want me, for me to want anything from them. otherwise, i’m pretty self-contained trying to make the connections that get me where i’m going, looking for the people who i feel at home with and who call me home, and just feeling happy being helpful where i can be.

my coach today was at it again. i’m shooting free throws and he says, tell me, ms. confidence, i wanna ask you a question.

sure, i say.

why do you think you can have me? why do you have so much confidence that you can get into my head?

i laugh. i was expecting something along these lines, but not this angle specifically.

i don’t think i can have you, i said. but i know that guys tend to be fixated on me, and whether or not they understand why, i suspect it’s because they can’t understand why a girl would have what i have, and yet, not give it up. why i would willingly not want to sleep with anyone, even though there’s no reason for me not to. so guys are always poking at me, trying to find out why i don’t want them, why i’m not turned on by them, why i don’t let them in. but that’s not the issue. the thing is, i only want what’s mine–no more, no less. i can walk into this gym, see a bunch of fine brothers with their shirts off and think, wow…that’s nice. but that’s as far as it goes. i don’t want to touch. i don’t want to get involved. i want to focus on what i’m doing to improve myself, and work on my life, so that i can put myself in the best position to have what i want, and the person i want to share it with. so no, i don’t think i can have you, but i think you’ve projected that as what i’m up to because you’re the one who can’t get your mind off of it. You’re basically creating my power over you in your own head.

i don’t think about it at all, he says, defensively.

really, i say. then why do you bring up the same conversation every session?

no i don’t, he says.

it’s okay, i say. i am the complete package. i’m someone who’s smart, dynamic, funny, caring, capable and decent looking, but on top of that, i’m a really nice and genuine person. so i’m accessible, i’m attainable. the problem is, i only want one guy, but i don’t know who he is yet, so that’s why people are always poking at me. they don’t understand what i’m waiting for, when i do. i know he’s out there, i just don’t have the specifics yet.

you’re a trip, he said. you are definitely very, very interesting. i have a feeling we’re going to go beyond our professional relationship, because i’m gonna have to be pals with you.

i only have one thing to say about that, i say. don’t. fall in love.

i ain’t gonna fall in love, he says, laughing but almost offended.

but i’m not saying this to be an asshole or out of arrogance. the dude is fixated. he’s turning this into a personal quest, but the problem is, he’s not my dude.

i do love our sessions though. today he would tell me how many shots i had to hit to complete a drill or redo the whole drill, and i was feeling playful so i kept telling him i would give him exactly what he wanted, so i would always make exactly however many shots he said i needed to make. then i asked him if he could let me do a long-range 3-point drill, just give me 5 shots at 5 positions outside the arc, and if i hit 12, i would give him a high five.

a high five, he asked. that’s all i get?

i’m doing all the work, i said. yet i’m willing to split the reward 50/50 with you. so you should be happy with that.

i ended up hitting 14 of 25. it was kind of crap because i can hit 21 of 25 on a good day. he was impressed. some pros can’t even do that, he said.

i’m fairly focused today, i said.

saw the trainer who wants to train me. (happened to run into eytan as well. he and i are always randomly crossing paths). she said to me, i would love to kick your ass!

i started laughing so hard. told her i haven’t had anyone say that to me since the 4th grade.

she said that it’s because i’m in such good shape, it would be interesting to her to challenge me.

i don’t know. i tend to put myself through so much self-discipline. i’m not as motivated when someone else gives me directives. i always follow directions and do what is asked, but i tend to feel i’m doing it out of obligation, and it doesn’t keep me focused for very long. still, it’s funny to hear someone say that they want to kick your ass.

i talked with a woman who is always good at guiding me and keeping me focused. a few things she said that i want to write down so i don’t forget:

1. Do not go where you’ve gone before. Do not get held by illusions. So many people get chained to life and things that they’re settling for because they get chained to illusions or fear. You have broken free. Don’t willingly chain yourself again.

2. She compared me to a Lamborghini. Said I’ve amassed the speed, the power, the looks. Now the world is asking, what am I going to do with it. My next move will be very important. Focus on my expression. I’ve collected enough stuff to start showing the world what I’ve been working on. It’s time to prepare for that and not get distracted. She told me in particular to not let my emotions drag me away from this moment. My emotions have helped me collect my material and inspiration. Now is the time for the mind to take over and structure launch. Also, do not let others drag me away from what I’m working on. Right now is a time when people start challenging me and my focus, because it’s the most important time to test my commitment to myself. I have to stay very focused. I know that I’ve been really clear about telling myself that what is lost was once found and what is found was once lost, so nothing of value is ever lost forever.

Last month, I wrote to my friend, Nick:

Maybe to gain more of what you want in life, you have to be willing to give up more. But maybe if you take that leap of faith and trust that whatever you get back will make up for what you gave up, what happens is you get back the very thing you gave up. That’s kind of my secret theory.

It’s kind of like how Brian, notorious for his lack of purchasing restraint, made himself choose only one candle out of two. But he ended up with both. Now is the time for me to trust my theory, and let go of anything that will prevent me from moving forward. If anything I let go of is valuable, it will still be there, or be in an even better position, on the other side.

3. She told me to be careful that I don’t play for something someone doesn’t have, so I end up losing. This reminded me of how I wrote a couple of days ago that to start off with a compromised goal is unforgivable. I would never play in a game if I was told that for whatever reason, I would not be eligible for the top prize. Because then what’s the point of playing? Do I not deserve a chance at the top prize? Her telling me this reminded me that I want a fair playing field with fair goals, that if I work really hard, there’s no outside force that will unfairly tell me that I can’t have what I deserve. So if a game is set up to not be satisfactory, then I am free to choose a new game. And I only want one that challenges me to reach for the top.

4. She made a funny comment about my sexual magnetism right now. About how much power I’ve stored up, I’m like both the light and the dark side of the moon simultaneously and it must be making men go haywire. I laughed. No comment.

the wife has laid down an ultimatum.

get back from the cruise, get a job.

i am open to getting a job and meeting new people, having new experiences, but i don’t want a job that i get tempted to commit my passions to. the job can’t drain me. my spirit, mind and heart are on a journey elsewhere right now. eventually, i want to work for myself or with a partner i trust.

on the flipside, if i find a position that brings me creative fulfillment and a sense of pushing me towards my highest potential and a sense of achievement, then i won’t think of it as a job. that would probably be the situation i welcome most.

and enlarging my social circle, to meet more interesting, nice, (cute!) people.

i want to be a modern day shaman. or whatever niche currently doesn’t exist but is between a life coach, spiritual counselor and therapist. that place is where my skills lay. i don’t need rituals. it’s not voodoo or magic in the mainstream sense of the word. i can usually talk to someone and get out of them what they need. most people already have the answers, they just need a mirror. they need a way to trust those answers are true to them. i’m good at reflecting the things that come from the spaces in between, finding truth and beauty, pulling these things out like iron with a magnet. it is my life’s passion and purpose to help people and reflect. but the thing is, how to legitimize this ability in a world based on material currency, and more importantly, how to establish boundaries to protect myself, and protect the integrity and natural flow of the process. more on this later when i write about my explorations yesterday.

jason told me today that he would love to trade lives with me, even if just for 15 minutes.

a lot can happen in my life in 15 minutes…could he handle it?

last thursday, my coach told me i had to retire my basketball because it had a tumor. i told him i knew but it was still a small tumor…we still had some time left together. he said i had to get a new ball, and i told him i would do no such thing; i’d charged the ball’s symbol with so much energy that i play ridiculously with it (there’s a chinese symbol i drew on that i always say means “dragon” to anyone who asks, but it is actually my family name). he said i had to get over it. that my ball was no good anymore.

i asked him, if you saw a kid in a wheelchair, would you tell the mom her kid’s no good anymore and she should get a new one?

oh shit!, he said, with a surprised laugh. i can’t believe you went there.

i took my ball back from him, turned it until i found the symbol and rubbed it, as is my habit. he didn’t mention it again after that.

the sunflower

when jason and amber arrived on friday, i had decided to christen this red current candle that i had bought in venice the second weekend of july. this candle has a lot of symbolic meaning, but something about that night made me feel like it was time to share it. i lit it without mentioning it, burning it in my office, and after a while, they were all asking what that smell was. they said it smelled amazing. i showed them the candle and brian whispered that wherever i got this candle, we need to buy 20 of them. what he doesn’t understand, is what gives this candle the power. here’s the story.

one sunday morning, i got up and walked out of my room just as brian was coming home. he’d gotten up early to run errands. he was putting his things away and i saw he’d bought an arugula-scented candle. i smelled it.

this smells really good, i said.

yeah, doesn’t it? i was choosing between this one and this red current one, but i ended up going with this one, he said.

i smelled it again. i love candles but i’ve been very disciplined about not buying more before i’ve used the ones i have. but i decided, it’s been a while. i would be open to buying a candle today, too.

so i set out on my new favorite routine. sundays around noon, take a really nice shower, pick a scent for the day. casual me clothes. go to my favorite cafe and have coffee/lunch, read, write and listen to music. enjoy the vibes, enjoy the people, enjoy the freedom. then take a walk around venice, maybe walk along the beach, catch sunset at my favorite dusk location.

so today i get the coffee, have a pretty carefree inspirational day. reading adventures of sherlock holmes. really astounded by the size of this guy’s peni–i mean, ego…laugh at the random things you pick up about the inner world of authors when you read their work. i take a walk down main street, passing this store that always has candles out on display off the sidewalk. i come to this area a lot so i’m always walking past this display, and every time, i’m always aware of having the discipline not to go over and smell the candles. i don’t know why it’s been important, but i’ve suppressed the urge every time i walk past the display, and i’m in the area quite a bit.

but today, i’ve already decided it’s okay to browse candles. i pick up the first one, smell it and check the name. red current.

hmmm, i think. that’s unusual. that’s exactly the other candle brian was choosing between. considering we live together and share the air, if i buy this candle, it will be like he made himself choose only one, and by fate, i’ve brought him the one he forced himself to give up. poetic, right?

but i really don’t think about things that deeply in the moment. but i did note it was a cool coincidence.

i went into the store and it had a lot of asian-themed knick-knacks. the owner of the store was a girl about my age, and i asked her how business was doing in this economy. she talked to me about some changes she was making to the store, but business was good. but she kept mentioning that anything i wanted in the store, she’d give me a great deal, which made me feel that business was actually tough. i spent some time talking to her, but still decided to just get the candle. she tells me that the cool thing about this candle, is that it’s made out of coconut oil, so it’s a massage candle…when it melts, you can rub the hot oil on your skin like lotion and it makes your skin smell really good.

i’m sorry, what?

good god. the sheer idea of this tickled every pleasure center in my head, i think i blew a tiny fuse. now i’m really excited about this candle.

she wanted to give me a gift, so she went to the back and came back with a cute little bag.

as she’s handing me the bag, she asks, do you like sunflowers?

i don’t have any feelings about sunflowers, but i know brian likes flowers so i say that i do.

she goes to the back and brings me the biggest, freshest sunflower i have ever held in my life. i mean, holding that cool, vibrant stalk felt like I was holding a living, breathing entity in my hand. like a plant mogwai. i thanked her for it, a little stunned but appreciative.

i’m walking down the street holding this sunflower like a staff. i mean, this thing is big. i realize this was kind of the beginning of my day and i had wanted to walk around, but if i put the flower in my car it’ll die from the heat. but if i walk around with it, well…i’m holding a giant sunflower.

so i’m thinking i’m just going to suck it up and drive home, hoping brian will appreciate it, but feeling he’ll probably be indifferent. i’m crossing the street at a stoplight when i look over and it’s this sistah in a green honda civic with a couple of big dudes in the car next to her. she’s leaning her head into her hand, a little out the window, eyes faraway. maybe it’s a trick of light but i thought i saw her eyes flicker in recognition at the sunflower.

i’ve already taken two steps out of the crosswalk towards her car when i realize i’ve broken script and i’m approaching the car.

do you…want this?, i asked her, holding the flower out, as inside my head, i’m screaming, what the hell are you doing?!?

she gives me this look i can’t read and i panic…

honestly, who approaches cars in an intersection except 1. homeless people; or 2. crazy people. i just walked up to her car at an intersection with a giant flower. she probably thinks i’m batshit crazy.

but i remain calm and ask her, do you want this flower? you look like you could use a little happiness.

you want to give me this flower, she asks, incredulously.

i can’t believe how gay i am.

yes, you can have it, i smile. you could use some happiness.

she takes the flower and is kind of squealing and clapping her hands, and the guys are crowding close to her to look at it. the scene makes me really happy. more than anything, i’m relieved, that these people accepted my gift.

i’m feeling so truly happy i’m radiating, and i tell them to have a great day, continuing through the crosswalk.

from behind, i hear someone yell, hey!, and i turn to see the guy in the passenger seat rolling down his window furiously.

thank you, he says, so seriously. so sincerely.

i felt light bursting out of me.

i hope you all have a really great day, i said, meaning it with everything i’ve got.

further down the street, this tall guy catches up with me.

that was a really nice thing you did back there, he said as he walked past.

more than anything, i think this story is about timing. and good will.

perhaps that flower was always meant to belong to her.

and perhaps some day, when i have paid off all my debt to you, you will let someone be close to me, too.

my god, life really is a cycle. i just read what i streamed about this being like august 2007, and i thought, what was going on in august 2007? so i took a look and i realize now in hindsight, august 07 was pivotal. it was the true start of the rest of my life. i did exactly what i said i was going to do. i jumped into a well. that speech i gave was the first time i ever ripped off my mask in public and people saw my passion, intensity and depth. my power. i remember how carefully i’d chosen that date.

But these are my hopes, and I hope that even if I’m not physically around or if I seem to be a mess, that all those people that I’ve had deep connections with and have helped change in some way, whether friends, family or strangers, will also be there for me in spirit when I dive, and that their good will and positive energy will help me find my way home.

i’ve gone deep and i’ve gotten pretty strong. are these signs then, that it’s time for me to find my way home, or that this is the last homestand and i’m about to seriously plunge?

oh boy…i sense it’s the latter.

this guy won’t leave me alone, and the only reason i can’t even be friendly with him is because i don’t trust him to respect my boundaries. it’s like a vicious cycle. just give it up. you don’t respect me, and i don’t trust you. so back the fuck up.

i have a lead but i need $2.8 million dollars.
if the stage i’m repeating right now is anything like august 2007
then i will get the connection with baron.
i think it’s time.
if not, new plan and i’ll keep chipping away for an angle.

i worry though. the initial message i’m sending into the pipeline is “i saw him in his daisy dukes and he’s got a booty like a puerto rican.” risky, but friendly fire. but i am clearly betting everything on the assessment that our connection is most likely a kindred sibling one. but the messenger is unreliable so i’m not worried. if the door opens, i will present a bigger self.

let’s see how it unfolds.

amazing day. absolutely exquisite.

the problem in reading so much and so quickly is i can never remember where i can find things i’m looking for. i’m trying to remember a passage from Ovid that feels important right now, but i can’t remember where it is. so until it surfaces when it feels like surfacing, here are two other quotes from Ovid in the meantime:

At times it is folly to hasten at other times, to delay. The wise do everything in its proper time.

and

Enhance and intensify one’s vision of that synthesis of truth and beauty which is the highest and deepest reality.

if your dreams don’t fit in this world, then change your world.

i’m on it.

today is a 29 day! look out for sign-posts and clues. evidence of magic. discoveries. 29 days are magnetic. plant the seeds for your hopes and dreams.

Fasten on my mask
I’m bending to the task
I know this work is never finished
But if I close my eyes
I can still see you dancing
Laughing loud and undiminished

-David Gray, Freedom