Echo

b gave me a sleeping pill last night because i’ve been sleeping so poorly. i was still waking up in the middle of the night, but it didn’t feel so jarring and it was easier to fall back to sleep. i did find that every time i woke up, i would hug my pillow like it was another person. i think on some level, i’m lonely.

today hasn’t been very eventful which in a way, i’m somewhat relieved for even though it’s not over yet. i woke up early to run an errand, but i do have to say i’m a little disappointed in people for not being able to keep a secret.

went and played basketball and got yelled at by my coach because i played half-court 4’s with these older guys and they didn’t have much body control. went 3 for 6 (2 drives/1 mid-range, missed 3 outside shots). I’m playing more in control, can hit the pull-up jump shot, but to be honest, the more people on the floor, i still worry about feet and am careful about getting hurt.

i think the rest helped because i’m not as melancholy. but i’m not feeling completely here.

got to be careful. i’ve got the the new moon eclipsing the sun right around my 12th house venus which means karmic ghosts coming to light. the moon wins, meaning emotions tied to the past will be stirred up. my mood dropped off a cliff this morning after a restless night where i kept waking up in fear as i had no idea where i was nor who i am. i have to reset.

the snake will continue eating its own tail until it consumes itself if it does not regenerate.

you may think you’re moving in circles if you find yourself back in a similar spot, but just remember that if you have moved in a circle, you are not the same person returning to this spot as you were when you previously left. the key is in what is changed or accumulated. it may be a test. it may be an opportunity. it may be a sign post.

more than anything, i really, really need a friend who can help understand my process and the information i’m gathering. i’ve been going to places and seeing and feeling things that i know with the greatest of certainty to be true, but i’m finding it hard to interpret everything alone without a reflection.

i’m losing myself now. it’s probably a very good time to be getting away, though going back to fremont is not the best place.

i just wish people would trust me more, even when they believe there’s room to sway me. i can be indecisive and my open-mindedness can be taken advantage of, but my first instincts are usually truthful and it would probably benefit not just me, but the people around me, if they didn’t work so hard to talk me out of them. almost everything i say is the truth, as accurately and comprehensively as i can pinpoint at a present time. just how much i show depends on how much a given audience is willing to take in, or capable of taking in. i don’t want to mince words anymore. i wish i could just say things exactly as they appear. i’m tired of translating when i should just be communicating.

i’ve been thinking a lot about cassandra, who was cursed to know the future but no one would believe her. i’ve been thinking that if you tell people and they don’t understand you or believe you, then STOP TELLING THEM ANYTHING. don’t waste your energy unless it’s for the people who are willing to listen. maybe the people you’re supposed to be talking to are the people who already have their door half-opened and are willing to gain something, instead of looking first and foremost to deny. on the whole, i’ve been pretty lucky about finding open-minded people, and i have to remember to stick to that path and not get discouraged.

i have to get 10 hours of sleep today. i need to be strong for tomorrow.

email to muskrat:

Remember how we were talking about the part in Blink with the study of people with autism, and how they were most interested in the light switches?

I was at a bar today and felt super autistic because everyone who walked in, man or woman, i went, butt – legs – shoes. I couldn’t stop. I saw so many butts and legs and shoes today.

last night at the other room, there was a moment where i felt i needed to make a decision and this song came on:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-67tBPHA_8U

i knew it because i’d just downloaded the album and had only listened to a few songs, but so far this was the song i liked.

name of the band? phoenix.

it just keeps repeating itself. phoenix tattoo. phoenix suns. phoenix at the greek. phoenix when i need the direction.

i revere the moon, but i honor and serve the number 9. and who is 9 in goddess form but the phoenix. and who is the goddess but 9.

my trust level. it’s the only thing that holds me to people. i need someone who can simultaneously appeal to extremes. if you knew the intensity of energy coarsing through me, then you would know why i need someone strong in a very specific way. i’ve managed to polarize myself to generate energy. and i’ve stayed grounded throughout this process. but i think i would like to output now with someone’s help.

one of the last things he said to me as he disappeared back into the murky darkness from which he had emerged just as suddenly…

i’m sorry that you like me more than you can.

and for the first time in a long time…i felt simultaneous shame and relief.

the raw truth feels good.

sunday was a bright day…yesterday…

all failsafes are working. i trust them. when the right one comes along, his very nature will compromise them without realizing they were there in the first place. my secrets are excalibur–unlocked by the one who is pure of heart. that’s the beauty of this system. i assume that i use a form of predictive memory…memories are implanted so that feelings of triggered memory or familiarity despite logical reason lead me to attach “significance” to a person or encounter. these are how i choose what to follow and whom to connect with. im still learning which are real triggers, and having tolerance that some parts of the path illuminated by triggers are not always rewarding. it’s about persistence and determination to build my perspective until i can recognize the ultimate picture. i understand that life is training my instincts and sight right now.

where does my power come from? my core, of course. what is my core?

the things i never gave away. the me that believes in truth. the me that is the truth. my faith. my innocence. my belief that i will someday find those keys. and the man they belong to.

he holds my knowledge.

what did batman need?

1. unlimited financial resources
2. alfred – a caretaker/mentor
3. a polarity – batman was a point of light in a world of darkness. batman was a point of darkness in a world of light. in fact, we all are. it’s like the moon–at different times, from different perspectives, we view it differently. but it is still the same. you get from it what you need. batman needed an inverted reflection. shadow and light. light and shadow. does the mirror know it’s the reflection?
4. peers

i’m close.

When you came in the air went out. And every shadow filled out with doubt. I don’t know who you think you are but before the night is through…I wanna do bad things with you.

my darkness. my light. i taste it all.

one of the signs of a great man is his ability to respect a woman who has earned everything she has, and not try to take away from it.

See me, want me, give me, trust me
Feed me, fuck me, love me, touch me
This whole world is cold and ugly
What we are is low and lovely
I am the most beautiful boogie man
The most beautiful boogie man
Let me be your favorite nightmare
Close your eyes and I’ll be right there

-mos def

The 3 places you will probably never meet your life partner:

1. A bar/club
2. Vegas
3. Rehab

It’s hard to start off on the right foot.

unleash unleash unleash
unleash unleash unleash
unleash unleash unleash

first of all, chris titus presents himself beautifully. i’ve been thinking about stand-up.

second.

i love the way the night envelopes pretty things.

third.

i have to let go of everything. that’s the thing. having the discipline not to promise away anything.

it’s easy for me to do a lot of things. but right now, what’s most important is to be strong and wait.

fourth.

my perspective is being challenged. i’ve never experienced before, a time of such great certainty paired with such great uncertainty.

I am certain of myself. Everything else, it’s hard to tell what’s real.

why is it some people work so hard to destroy your belief in love stories? and the way they do it is by pretending they believe in them, too.

if you looked at how much the people around me love me, you would understand how much I’ve put into the lives of the people I love.

when I think about life, I feel I would rather be strong and build, even if that means my time in this world will be shorter, but I will go forth with open eyes and an open heart, and in giving, I hope some day to receive something very specific–a summit.

The whole encapsulated view.

Sun in the Eleventh House 11th hs
You have a natural desire and ability to turn yourself into an eminently desirable partner for almost anyone you meet.

yes, it’s quite a skill, isn’t it? at least it couldn’t belong to a sweeter person. don’t hate. if you’re a good person, you could gain from it. i’m generous by nature. but please be honorable and don’t take advantage of the openness.

I gave you all the answers to the test. But what you did with those answers was actually the test.

and babe, i’m just like the best thing, that could happen, happen to someone…

-ambulance ltd

i want to be the best thing that happens to someone. and on the flipside, i’m looking for the person who is the best thing to happen to me.

the ghost of the past haunted me in my dream last night. i can’t remember the exact dream, but i’ve felt the traces of him in wisps at the edges of my periphery all day.

he won’t get anything from me.

the sun’s going down. tonight’s a full moon and i want to go out but i don’t know where yet.

if happiness were water, i’d never run dry

i’m very happy right now, very in love with life.

if loneliness were a flower, it would wither and die…

i think a lot of it has to do with being strong, self-contained and single.

i don’t want to give it up right now.

i don’t want to give up myself, my power.

my biggest weakness…oh that sweetness i get a taste of and it becomes my whole world. i feel like i finally got the last round out of my system and am strong again.

so now…tabula rasa.

love? sex? can there really be a beneficial balance when i give it so much power? when it takes so much power from me? i don’t know. i’m not ready to find out yet.

and one day when you are loaded to the brim with poetry, tense with trying to hold every drop without spilling over, let yourself topple the cup and empty yourself of everything.

i will when i’m ready.

currently operating with a blown mind.