Echo

approaching 3am. it’s like falling down until you fall out of the sky into the other side of the world.

do you ever wish you could reserve the right to a restart at any stage in life? like if you make the choices that lead you down a path that turns stranger than fiction, that you can hit a restart button and start over back in time in case you ever needed it?

i love the idea of going backwards in time to become Past You but taking your advanced knowledge with you. like traveling back in time but only packing your brain.

when i was a kid i was always obsessed with the fantasy of going backwards in time, but having the knowledge and wisdom i had in the future. mostly, i would make a killing on the stock market because i’d been so careful to remember which companies were strong, so in private fervor, i would memorize company information and symbols in case i ever woke up to find myself in the past. i think the obsession with memorizing statistics reached its apex when i started memorizing sports trivia in case i needed to supplement my restart 8 year-old income with sports betting as well. i even had a plan worked out, of how i would impress a close family relative with my seeming psychic knowledge of outcomes, so they would go in on placing bets for me. then if i invested the winnings well, by the time i was 20, i would be…a megamillionaire. i think the expansion and practice of this fantasy went on for years, but after a while, i looked around at my life, my head swimming with numbers, symbols and logos, and i realized i was packing for a trip to a place that…well…doesn’t even exist.

so i gave up my little hobby.

but usually, if no one’s watching, i restart video games if things aren’t boding well. if no one is around to gloat, why lose if you don’t have to. i’m not ashamed.

okay. what a day. i only had two hours of sleep so i felt like i sleepwalked through conversations and the motions today. definitely a day unique in feeling, though somewhat tinged by unexplainabe remorse as i seem convinced that i must have offended someone in my staggerings today. i would just be shocked if i hadn’t.

so today’s topic that’s unavoidable. baron davis. baron.

so to backtrack–right before the draft, i had a strong feeling that baron wouldn’t be back next season. by the end of the draft when i realized he wasn’t being traded, it hit me…baron davis was leaving us. this made me pretty sad.

you have to understand something. that was the season that coincided with my sudden awakening. something crazy and eye-opening was happening, and it was affecting people around me. at the same time, i was suddenly aware of another level of people, this substance that exudes somewhere between soul and kindness. i’ve learned to call this quality good intention in its absolute purest most divine form, but it’s something with a flavor of its own. i started to look for that quality, and people who had it would just look brighter than everyone else. and this is the thing. in normal every day life, strangers can interact without really seeing or acknowledging each other. but in connections with these people who seemed to stand out, the first moment of eye contact is a sudden but blatant recognition, something you’re never really prepared for and which in hindsight, you can never quite explain. you just find yourself staring at each other without knowing exactly why.

anyway, fast forward a year through life, a break up, an awakening and a miraculous basketball season carried on the chariot wings of sheer magic and power of will, i saw things in people that gave me absolute belief in a higher power, and that that higher power resides strongly within individuals who let it in.

i think a lot of people in the bay area got their proof of magic last year, and without necessarily knowing how significant this experience was, it changed them. when i felt the knowledge last week that baron was moving on, it made me anxious and monitor the fan message boards intently, trying to find out what people knew and if they were prepared. it seemed most were optimistic that baron would stay at least one more season while others wanted him traded for a better piece, but as i read, i became more and more sure that baron was already gone. i think collectively on a subconscious level, we all knew. and i guess i’ve been a little sad about it, but at least i can be open now that it’s announced. i take back the shit i was talking about him today. i was just not prepared for the energies of today. he’s a good guy who’s following his other pursuits and who always wanted to go back home, and he took the reins of his life instead of letting oakland sign and potentially trade him somewhere he didn’t want to go. and as long as he stays focused and blocks out the bullshit, he’ll always be a good guy…i give him the greatest respect as a human being.

the only thing that sucks is reading the boards now and seeing all those people who had just gained newfound faith feel so bereft. but the world wasn’t created to be fair, and i hope at the end of the day, once they get their sports loyalty out of their system, the fans can have some perspective on this and see a guy who’s just doing his thing and pursuing his happiness, and will use it as motivation to pursue their own.

i don’t feel bad. hey, the plan was always to live in the same city anyway, right?

i think this warriors fan sums it up best:

http://forums.warriorsworld.net/main/msgs/2038935.phtml

Whatever.

The thing that Warrior fans are upset about isn’t that he’s leaving, but all the BS he fed in soundbytes about wanting to end his career here and about where his heart is. It’s like the wrong way to handle a break-up. If you need to do what’s best for yourself, then do it. But don’t keep saying I love you and I want to be with you forever shortly before you go sprinting out the door. Even if it is for multimillions of dollars. I think I’m just disappointed in him because I do like him as a person.

Personally, outside of the fact he has to stop that mouth of his, I’m both sad and glad that he’s gone. I wish they had gotten something in return, but I really didn’t think they should commit a 5 year guaranteed deal to him, especially since he’s not young, he doesn’t have the best track record in terms of injuries, and he tends to play really well in contract years. The other years are a crapshoot.

i am feeling provocative

3am is my sun and i revolve around it.

if i were filthy rich, i would buy a massive house and customize a windowless room full of beige suede furniture and beige suede walls (there’s nothing more aesthetically irritating than beige suede with its men’s warehouse suit and lack of ambition). and this would be my fuck room. this room would be where i go, at my discretion, to quietly closing the door behind me and tear up the room screaming, “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!! FUCK! FUCK! FUUUUUUUUUCK!!” until i feel like i can get a hold of myself again and go out and make more money.

being filthy rich = the luxury of a “fuck” room

i fucking hate this. i suspect i’m depressed but i can never tell.

and now on top of my glut of unlabeled inner happenings, i’m worrying that i’m being stalked.

i got a creepy message on friday that i dismissed, but when i went to check messages last night, i accidentally played it and a thought suddenly hit me…is that a woman screaming in pain in the background? the content of the message itself is already very creepy and strange (i could transcribe it but you really have to hear it), but then with what sounds like screaming in the background it just makes it creepier. i played the message a couple of times for brian. is this guy threatening me while raping/torturing some woman in the background? he agreed it’s creepy but wouldn’t say that it wasn’t screaming. he thought maybe it was a tv in the background. another thought occurred to me. is he watching some violent film where some woman’s getting tortured and that spawned thoughts of me? brian told me to see if my carrier can pull the message and keep it on file but unless he starts showing up, there’s nothing i can do at this point. i listen to it again. he makes a reference to wendy’s. maybe he’s just at wendy’s and he thought of me and those are kids in the background. then i realize how creepy it is that i’m listening to a creepy message and trying to decipher if his background noise is life-threatening.

hmmm.

maybe this is another sign that it’s time i leave town. if the next stage involves my left brain capacities being disabled to allow right brain channeling (left-brain organizational constructs of time and dates are starting to melt), i have to make sure i can keep my physical body safe while my mind is doing its thing. i can’t tell if i’m creating these experiences or attracting these experiences. but i’ve gotta be ready for them.

I’m still going through all the pictures from my birthday. It’s taken a while as much out of the sheer quantity of photographic evidence, as me being scared of what I’ll find. I’m still getting positive reviews from people mostly along the lines of, “Oh my God, I was sooooooooo drunk that night” and of the stiffness of the drinks that David had tried to report to me in the middle of the night when he grabbed me by the shoulders and with the horrified panic of a man telling me that they were drugging us and shoving us one by one into the pizza oven, he declared that the bartender was pouring an irresponsible amount of alcohol into the drinks and I had to be very, very careful as he attempted not to shake me in hysterics. Perhaps he knew it was in his best interest to cut me off, as the reports of who I did and did not make out with are also still coming in.

And then there’s this:

spent the night everywhere tonight. even engaged in a ninja assault.

men can’t defend against a woman trained in the secrets of the ninja. it’s just fact.

on a different topic: it is my nature to be a puzzle. an entity can only be as true as its nature. do you really want me to pull it together and be something that doesn’t represent me?

why i’ve been quiet lately.

when something is not in accord in my world, i disappear into my cave to make things very quiet, so i can discern the voices i should be listening to and the paths i should be taking. when i am gone, it is easier to see which are those who are consciously seeking me out, as those are the ones who may be significant.

does that make sense?

funny. no one has ever said it’s atypical for me to disappear. i wonder if what that actually means is that for a little while, i was more consistently present than usual.

it’s weird because i saw this new era coming, even understood what it would be like–standing at the doorway of a world that’s completely foreign or new, and knowing that once i stepped through, the rules would be different and the lessons would be harder. i wouldn’t be able to cheat anymore, since lately, i’d started being able to see the answers as i received the questions.

but then to be here…it’s like my psychic antennae is still stronger than ever, but the things i need to see, i completely can’t see. but in this new era, i’m not allowed to depend on my abilities of analysis to double check my intuition before turning in my answers. left brain is somewhat disabled leading me to learn to depend on my right. it’s the equivalent of an athlete breaking their dominant hand and learning to use the other. you should see my handwriting right now.

so where do we go from here

the secret is all around us
………..life is where we seek it
…………..of lies that illuminate the place where we meet again.

that’s really all anyone needs to know right now.

you can still talk to me if you need me, and i’ll try my best to be present.

teehee…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbPYmGq74eI

wanted

loved the special effects and who can look away when angelina’s on screen and packing heat. but i was seriously offended by its obnoxious ending.

the fight-clubness of the whole thing had irritated me earlier, but they gave it a rest for a little while so i thought they’d gotten over it. i think that’s why i was irritated that they brought it back full-force in the last moment as the movie was redeeming itself.

watching angelina fall in the background made me a little anxious, but i don’t think any movie can really kill angelina.

james mcavoy. this is the only thing i’ve seen him in. i actually sacrificed a spot on my netlix for children of dune because i read he played a twin and i was willing to check it out, but it felt so boring in my hand that i mailed it right back to get desperate housewives. i thought he was cute in the trailers. don’t know how i feel about him anymore. he seems like the kind of guy who’s theoretically really good in bed, but has equal chance to turn into an instant brooding baby or weep uncontrollably in your naked, confused arms. i don’t know. maybe he’ll surprise me.

i like this article:

http://www.slate.com/id/2194323/

it makes me wonder how much better the movie would have been if they had expanded the more mystical elements and really made it clash with the urban elements. imagine if someone japanese had done it. no one does myth and violence like asians. or maybe they were holding back on us. this seems like the kind of movie, if it goes all the way, it goes all the way.

this movie will turn you on though. in ways that may even surprise you. i secretly recommend watching the movie for that. you really do leave it feeling like you either did or are going to have some really intriguing sex.

it continually surprises me how i jump from logical left-brain person to amorphic right-brain experience. it’s like turning into a highly subjective jellyfish. a highly subjective ghost jellyfish. with legs and an overwhelming perspective.

i continually lose touch with people. i know i do. perhaps it’s a bit of an abandonment, but it comes from devastatingly porous attention span and no poor intentions. i assume people just forget about me while i’m away, knowing that i come and go, and sometimes i worry about coming back to people if i wonder if they might be upset with me for having left in the first place. but with people who let me come and go, everything is pretty open and easy. i like those connections.

i’m really seeing how projection almost determines a person’s current mindstate as well as what potential realities lie ahead. how there’s a definite link between mental energies and reality. my body was battered this week leaving me with my mind, and i was really seeing things.

remember that thing last may that was floating next to me during my transition time when my spirit suddenly became free? that night when i woke up and it was next to my bed, looking like a living organism containing entire worlds of interconnected galaxies of life, everything built as a web of illuminated prisms of the finest strands of life.

the last few nights, i’ve been startled awake to see a net around my bed. it always surprises me at first because i think it’s a mosquito net or the drapes of a four-poster bed and i’m suddenly terrified that i have no idea where i am. in the moments that my eyes are focusing, i see it’s made up of the same energy as the thing i saw last year, these organic beams of energy that surround my bed and protects my thoughts, dreams and projections as i sleep. once, in the left corner, i thought i saw a man nailing corner of the net to the ceiling, and he almost looked familiar in the peripheral of my dreaming mind. i felt comforted to see him rather than scared. but everything always slowly fades away while my eyes adjust, and then once i’m sure i know who and where i am, i put my head back down and go back to sleep.

there are so many directions i could go in, things that i could be, but i’m just hesitant to make a decision at this moment, so i’m keeping a lot of secrets these days.

do you ever have days where you simultaneously see everything, and that makes you believe in absolutely nothing?

read between the lines of this article:

http://forums.warriorsworld.net/main/msgs/2030588.phtml

someone’s brewing some magic over there. they’ve found something valuable.

It looks like it’s gonna be……

July 29th!!!! July 29th!!!! While the Sun’s in Leo for unlimited creativity and hopes & dreams!

Goodbye LA. I’ve warned your unappreciative ass for years but now you should probably know…I’m leaving you.

If you want me back, you’re gonna have to work for it.

damn. no gay love.

The stars for the Memphis Grizzlies for the next era are going to be Rudy Gay and Kevin Love.

Let me rephrase.

For the next few years, the Grizzlies will be touting: GAY LOVE

I’m just saying.

Darrell Arthur was statistically analyzed to be a good pro while Randolph is a likely flop. And he’s similar to Brandan Wright in body type except Wright is a lefty PF and Randolph is a lefty SF. Rumor is there’s a big trade coming down for the W’s on Monday and Wright might be gone. We need an SF and PG, but I don’t want to give up Wright.

Thanks, Baron. Thanks for the winks and the memories.

i’m so irritable today. had a doctors appointment and even called to confirm it on monday morning. she said it was at 3:45pm on the 25th. that’s wednesday?, i’d asked her. yes, she said. so wednesday the 25th at 3:45, i said. you got it, she said.

so why did i show up today to be told that my appointment is tomorrow? i just took a deep breath and took this to be another test.

this mercury retrograde was a bitch.

rie is back in town. she’s my voice of sanity. explained to her that i seem to be suffering from a bout of crazy bitch syndrome. my strain is where i guilt myself into oblivion for being a raging asshole, but guys seem to feel it makes them better people and it actually compels them to want to take things to the next level. i think most of it is in my head. i have issues and a feeling of disconnect with my inner and outer world. my internal feelings don’t seem to match up with their external affect.

i don’t know what i’m so upset about. maybe the lack of work, the lack of writing or the lack of physical equilibrium (suffering from a sinus infection because i tempted my dependency on health products by stopping my daily dose of green powder for a month). just…antsy.

i was in starbuck’s reading when this really old toothless guy wearing a frayed but neatly worn suit , dark, leathery skin and body curved with age, shuffled up to me. he definitely didn’t look homeless, but he moved slowly and carefully, his eyes like murky wells. he stood in front of me for a while before i finally couldn’t ignore him anymore and acknowledged him. what’s your name, he asked me. i repeated it a few times, whispering, but it was hard for him to catch. i didn’t want other people who were listening to catch my name and try starting a conversation later. julie, he asked. this is close enough so i said yes. you’re a lovely girl, he said then hesitated before adding, i can tell. you’re very special.

he never smiled the whole time, just looked at me tentatively, like he half expected me to recognize him. he paused and looked unsure of himself. i could feel great need emanating from him, an amorphic loneliness like a tide pool not necessarily devoid of life. he hesitated a bit and finally asked me, slowly and painstakingly, if i would accompany him to see a movie at the theater up the street.

and you know what? i said no. i politely lied and said i had to study but i said no. it was then that i realized he must have pondered the invitation with more than a casual thought. he kind of leaned back, and got that look in his eyes that men get when they’ve opened themselves up to vulnerability but instead of acceptance, they get a rejection that stabs them in their softest core…the look that surprises you with the level of hurt you’ve created, because you never thought you could hurt a man in that way, surprising you so much that you want to put your arms around him and take back everything that has ever hurt him.

it didn’t make me feel like a good person. he sadly thanked me for this meeting and my time and shuffled off. i could feel the guy at the next table staring at me, but i didn’t want to say anything to him. i just felt bad. the guy seemed genuinely lonely. but for me, especially in la, anyone could have a dangerous ulterior motive and it seems you have to be guarded most of the time.

aubrey tells me that there are great treasures to be gained when you share time with old people. but i live in la where so many strangers have freaked me out before. david says that this fear of strangers and serial killers is a strictly american thing. maybe this was a sign that it’s time for me to leave, especially coming off a day that was devoted to discussions of this very topic.

i told my dad that i won’t write here anymore. and i didn’t realize it as i was saying it, but as i heard myself say it, i realized it was true. just like the way i felt in taiwan that this wasn’t where i was supposed to be and i had somehow gotten off course, ever since my birthday i’ve felt that i’m in the wrong place now. maybe my birthday was my going away party.

The NBA draft is always the most exciting time of year for me.

Why?

Because I’m a Warriors fan and usually some hot new prospect is all we have to look forward to as a savior of our continuous next-year’s.

Here’s a cool article:

http://dberri.wordpress.com/2008/05/27/the-2008-nba-draft-preview/

Joe Alexander’s on steriods?

Well, he’s hot so as long as he doesn’t beat me in roid rage, I don’t care.