Echo

You initiated. That’s on you.

Guys wanna be me, just to know what it’s like to be inside of me.

You and I. One kiss. One day.

I’m gonna need more than he can give.

I can have it cuz I act like I want it. It’s a matter of pride…

I just don’t trust it.

Calmly between two extremes.

With everything I have a 50/50 chance of making the right decision. Like everything with work. I’m pretty good at feeling out good decisions. But on a personal level I’m terrible. I think I will do anything to protect myself and keep my freedom. And as much as I like people and the idea of being close to people, I’m not willing to take the risks.

This potential is tragic. Me because I can’t have all of him. Him because eventually it would end. It’s whether we accept.

Is he thinking about it? Or did it just exist within me?

Everything I’m craving is just at my fingertips. Out of reach. If the world were ending and nothing that wasn’t real mattered, would I be someone who sleeps with one person or someone who sleeps with many?

That dream bothered me because I saw it the night after watching Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. 

Makes you think who you want next to you when it’s IT. Would I sleep with a lot of people, or find that one person? That night I had a dream. I was with one of my partners I work with. I was happy to see him. We were in this room looking at servers in this group including two women, one light one dark. I remember getting really jealous and thinking, be careful, he’s doing this with other people. Yesterday he called me to see a new product. I went over there and it was this office I’d never been to and when I walked in it was the same scene as my dream. Two women, one light one dark. And I was kind of freaked out. 

I’d never ever saw him or thought of him that way. He’s a funny looking dude. But it was like something had broken the surface of the world. And we were stooped down looking at a system together and I dropped my sunglasses and he picked them up. When our hands touched I remembered that jealous feeling from my dream. And then I suddenly realized I loved him. But it made absolutely no sense. Like a momentary emotion that’s really just a memory. But I think on some level he felt it or knew about the dream, because he didn’t let go of my hand when we said goodbye.

It started when I called Death Cab’s music genre “minstrel rock.” Now we joke about it as a mystical place where women are banished once a month. Today I told our designer that she couldn’t leave until our brochure passed the standards of sexy. She said of course. I wouldn’t dare breathe without your permission. She told me she was at wit’s end.

I asked her how far Wit’s End is from Minstrel Rock.

Even though I know it could happen, I don’t think I would see it coming.

In another life we are much closer to each other.

Why are they all married with kids?

If a girl texts you twice in a row she’s into you. If you text her back twice, she’s inside you.

I can’t keep having two of everything.

Must earn respect from my army before I can see you standing next to me.

Taiwan. Playing basketball in a sauna. Doors open, outside is just as bad as in. Hair and clothes drenched like I’d come out of the rain. This is one hell of a workout.

Nobody feels good about what happened last night. I can’t describe the feeling of driving up to the restaurant and seeing all those police cars. And I wasn’t even there for the worst of it.

The paramedics were understanding. They say in Denver, they understand autism outbursts, that it’s a medical issue not a criminal issue.

But the cops are trained to respond instantaneously to threats and that could so easily end in tragedy.

It scares me. It scares me all the time. What if…in a moment that is out of control…I can’t protect my brother.

None of these guys are available. I’ve gotta keep living my life until I bump into one that is.