Echo

Nice job, Karl Malone.

Yesterday I was shooting baskets on the same hoop as an old guy sporting crazy hair, like a Middle-Eastern Albert Einstein. He was kind of annoying me because he was the type who can’t really play, but throws the basket at the hoop so hard it comes slamming off the backboard and will bean you in the back of the head if you don’t keep an eye on it, but I lived with it. This white guy who was about 6’7″ and his slim girlfriend came in and asked the guy if he wanted to play 2-on-2. The guy said no, he wasn’t very good, but the guy said he wasn’t good either and the girl doesn’t play at all. We all shot around and the guy was kind of patronizing to her which was annoying considering she was actually pretty athletic and decent though clearly not someone who’s had a history of playing. So I said, let’s play 2’s. I guarded him rather than her, and he said that she didn’t know the rules so I said we wouldn’t worry about it.

During the game, she played hard and made quite a few shots. We weren’t really guarding her, just standing straight up when she shot, but he kept yelling, “Don’t play defense against her.” It really made me want to stick him with an elbow in the gut, which was right about where my elbows were, the guy was so tall. It was just really rude because it was condescending and devaluing her abilities.

It’s like this guy thinks that he thinks she’s great, I mean, obviously since he’s dating her, but he doesn’t really see her because he’s kind of seeing her through a projection of himself or his idea of her/women. Which is a shame to not really see what makes a person truly unique and beautiful, especially the person you are with. That truth is really the pearl within the oyster. I’m not saying she’s a great person as I don’t know her, but I could just tell how limited his scope was and that was a shame.

I didn’t really do much in the game, just passed it to my teammate, Einstein, and let him bounce the ball off the backboard while congratulating everyone who did anything good. I hit a few shots but I wasn’t too into it. After the game, I was leaving to do cardio and stopped to shake hands with Einstein. He doesn’t let go of my hand and tells me, “I can tell you’re a good person.” I say thank you and he doesn’t let go, still shaking my hand. “I can tell you’re a good person, that your parents raised you right and everything about you is good. Trust me, I’m 60 years old and I’m wise because I’m old so I can tell. You are truly a good person.”

I cover his hand with my other one and hold his in both of mine, warmly, and say, “Thank you. You’re very kind.” And I look him the eyes and connect. He smiles, happy, and lets go of my hand. I pat him on the shoulder, smile and leave.

I realized that I don’t really look that many people in the eye. I mean, I look at them, often in fleeting glances if they’re aware of me, and I’m always perceiving them, but only when I want to do I look in a straightforward way in which they know without a doubt that they have all of my attention and I’m really openly connected. Earlier that day, I’d had a long chat with my dentist. I’ve been going to him for 5 years now, but for some reason that day, we stopped and had a 45 minute discussion about life and people. He said that when people talk, it’s often a projection of themselves, what they want or what they fear. It was funny that he should have mentioned that because earlier in the conversation when we were talking about my ex-boss, I could tell from what he was saying, his feelings and insecurities about dating.

Maybe that moment on the court was just an old man wanting to tell a passing stranger an observation. Or maybe people just want another person to look at them and truly see them as good people so they can feel validated. Or maybe what it was really about was that this guy just wanted someone to see him and acknowledge him.

I think that’s important to every person, whether we consciously acknowledge it or not. No one wants to feel insignificant. Insignificance is the first warning sign that a person might be disappearing and deep down, that is one of the most human fears.

Saw 88 Minutes today.

Awful, awful movie.

And Al Pacino officially looks like a crazy man. Who can’t seem to stop touching girls in the movie.

I kept giggling when they would show a one shot of him standing there, looking far off with his hair wild, like some schizophrenic homeless guy who’s suddenly realized he’s naked in front of the Queen at the ball. Near the end of the movie, this guy in front of me kept turning around to laugh with me every time they showed him with that crazy look.

The movie didn’t even make sense. I hate it when movies leave out the details that allow them to flow or when things are ridiculous and contrived.

My point. If you spend money on this movie, don’t say I wasn’t a good citizen by trying to warn you.

Things I Treasure:

Health
Freedom
Autonomy
Interconnection
Warmth
Kindness
Coolness
Release

Relief after Great Struggle and Challenge
Acknowledgment of Progress

Innocence
Magic
Words
The Magic of Words
Understanding Beyond Words

The Swirling Depths of a Person’s Soul through their Eyes
Those Who Have Depth

Unconditional Positive Regard
Mind Melding
Fingers Intertwined and Pulsing to the Rhythm of Heartbeats
Longing and Reward

Recognizing a Stranger
When the Stranger is a Friend
Stealth
Anonymity

Observing without Affecting

mostly,

The Strong Belief that This Is Just the Beginning

there are special people in this world who serve very specific roles.

you can find them in the most unusual places but always places that experience high traffic of “travelers.”

they have the ability to inject color into otherwise gray lives, suddenly awakening the sleepwalkers or providing moral support for weary travelers. sometimes they put people on life-changing paths. sometimes they are just sign posts.

sometimes, these people salvage lives.

we should be thankful for them and keep an eye out for them in these strange but completely necessary places. be careful not to be fooled by the wolves who pretend to be them. while these special people may not consciously be aware themselves, they represent something bigger, a place where you, i and every conscious being on the planet connect. and sometimes, stopping to ask for directions becomes the key that unlocks something completely new.

Back off of Josh Howard. Seriously, what’s the big deal. It can actually benefit some people, while there’s a more dangerous substance that’s legally acceptable.

http://www.commondreams.org/views01/0315-03.htm

today’s realization:

there’s great value in stealth.

No man, woman or child can tell me they have balls until they’ve watched this video and can say, “Eh. That was nothing.”

never ask an owl for shit!

I have friends I haven’t seen in a long time coming over tonight. They’re going to know that I’ve changed. So I’m just cleaning up, preparing for them, going through old things.

I really need to get my photos organized, especially considering photos, memories, are my most treasured possessions.

Okay, sometimes it’s not really about what actually happened. It’s how you remember things and people that make you stronger.

I’m still irritated at the career sector, but it’s still that intense, simmering stew. I think disappointed is a better word. I still refuse to work for anyone else unless I respect the person. I found my notes for a sales meeting, a sales meeting that dragged on with disorganized bullshit, so I never even got to go over my notes. I look at it and am at first, surprised to find that I actually sound intelligent. Sometimes I feel like I ramble in the most unintelligible ways. But then I think how silly I was to have been so passionate about helping to build a fort when the people around me really didn’t want my help. I guess in those terms, I’m in the process of getting over that.

So that opens up this entire universe of…what now? I’ve recollected all my energies so they’re mine again, and now I want to really take this decision seriously of where I want to put my passions. Will I be happy with the compromise of scattering them in different directions, each one drawing interest from me but nothing that blows my mind and makes me melt inside. Or do I find that one thing, be it a path, idea or person, and devote all of myself to it. One is moderate risk with semi-fulfilling reward (like sex with short-lived foreplay) and the other is like deciding to jump into a well where you just may find something that’s more incredible than the human orgasm, more fulfilling than anything you’ve ever known.

Tell me, is the well half empty, or half full?

I’ve been walking around with a big smile on my face almost constantly. I just…feel good a lot. Yet at the same time, I’m becoming slightly negligent of people. My mind is so focused on making sense of some abstract puzzle that I’m perceiving, that I don’t quite make any efforts socially. My phone always breaks down when I get this way and I lose everyone’s numbers. Even if I want to call them, I would have to make a concerted effort to get their number and I always procrastinate about that. Maybe that’s my way of letting people go for a while to see who’s still around when I come back. There are some people who will love you even when you’re gone. Maybe subconsciously I’m trying to tell myself that now is the time when I focus on my life alone. Maybe this place I’m in right now is like those sunsets in the park behind the house I grew up in, when the sky turns that perfect shade of watermelon and as you’re looking up, all you can smell is the wind through the grass. In that moment, you feel everything is infinite and everything is possible.

So then. What’s next?

just got back into town. tell me…has LA gone nuts over the Flobots yet?

i’m fucking screaming right now. are you hearing.

everything. how it comes together from one fixed point in the universe.

ecdysis is cool.

Things I need to study:

-ley lines
-glastonbury

Add to reading list:

-Freakonomics

Lauren and Aubrey wanted to know what I did with the missed connection.

I told them what I wrote back, and they laughed. I don’t have time for bullshit and I don’t fuck around. But basically, the idea (between us, not what I said to him) is that he won’t be coming into my world because to him, he’s chasing a ghost, an idea that doesn’t exist. But his friend has an opportunity, if he believes in magic.

I told Lauren, if there’s more to be said, he and I will run into each other again.

How do you know that, she asked.

We just will, I said. Because that’s the way these things work.

4/20

For the record, I want everyone to know I was completely sober on 4/20.

Though.

I was sitting in my car in our driveway in Fremont, chatting with my mom. It was a beautiful, sunny Sunday afternoon when all of a sudden, I hear a gobble-gobble-gobble from outside.

WTF, I say, looking around.

Oh yeah, my mom says. We have wild turkeys in the hills.

I’m sorry, what? Since when?

So I say, I’m gonna chase it!

So I get out of the car, and sure enough, there is a massive turkey wandering around at the end of our driveway. I chase it a bit so I can get a picture.

I know we’ve always had deer and once, I was late for school because a cow was blocking our driveway.

But turkeys. This is new.

thank you, sia