Echo

last night was like getting dropped off a cliff emotionally into dark, swirling waters filled with memories and bad feelings. i haven’t experienced anything like that in probably years. it made me physically weak and psychically lose sight of projected futures, feeling as though all the tools i’ve amassed and thoughts that give me strength were slowly being erased from my memory.

i went to the gym to play basketball and i felt heavy. i even weighed myself to see if it was physical but the scale did not give me any answers. we played a team that had negative energy and it seemed to make everyone on our side frazzled, playing out of our element. i saw b and mike dig deep and pull out heart and fire to keep our team close. they were captivating today. in the end, i felt like i had failed them. i just felt so heavy and i couldn’t shake it, couldn’t take it off so it was messing with my timing. it’s like how i said last night, sometimes you can be two things simultaneously–tired and happy, then exhausted and happy, then nothing at all. it felt like that’s what happened last night. and then i vanished from myself, leaving the me that was left in a panic.

where did she go?

i went out to lunch with the guys. they’re good people and i appreciate them. but got home, and you know…home is not the most positive place right now. so i’d decided last night that i’m going to isolate myself somewhere and force myself to write, so the first thing i did was look up hotels in portland and seattle…i want someplace that’s raining…but none of the hotels looked inspiring. then i decided on big sur.

aubrey had wanted to plan a group creative retreat at big sur because there’s both an ocean and a forest which creates a kind of natural balance to coax out creativity. since he got engaged, that idea has fallen to the wayside. but why not still go? it sounded amazing.

so i booked a cabin and will be leaving for it tomorrow. i have only one objective, which is to get the novel squared away. and to get away from things so that when i come back, i will have fresh eyes.

because you go into the woods a boy, and you come out a ma- wait. that’s not what i’m trying to say here. but i think this is another test and i’m ready to kick ass on this one.

and as she began to silently cry into her hands, on the other side of the world, came a sudden torrential downpour.

secrets kill. maybe not you. maybe somebody else.

i can’t let go of it. as long as a part of me really wonders if certain aspects of life and relationships became unattainable to me because of events 7 years ago, gone before i even realized the long-term magnitude in the moment, i can’t let go of the anger. all it takes is for someone’s offhand or intentional comment to reopen that door and there it all is, refusing to be ignored. that anger seems to mark everything. say the wrong thing and suddenly i can’t tell if you’re a friend or enemy. and the problem is, i know some people do it intentionally and it makes me less tolerant of when people do it unwittingly.

maybe that is my ultimate wish. for people to be kind, but leave me alone. because it’s tiresome to always have this shit pop up and have to put it away by myself, because really, there are certain things that a person can only deal with by themselves. and i get so mad at myself in times when i become optimistic, when i think, no–parts of my life did not end years ago, only to find out, what is available to others may never be available to me. i don’t care if other people are happy in those ways. good for them because everyone deserves having something like that if they can get it. but i’ll just do other things that will make me happy. but i just don’t want this shit rubbed in my face anymore. i know people don’t mean harm, that they don’t realize. and i probably won’t tell them because i’m getting to the point where i never want to talk about it again, even if it means living to a certain degree in emotional isolation. but really, i don’t want to go back to that place anymore.

don’t ask questions that you really don’t want to hear the answers to.

i’m such a masochist, i just can’t help myself sometimes, chasing that dragon.

but i fucking hate myself for it when i do.

hot wax is so hot.

http://money.cnn.com/2008/04/10/news/companies/airline_woes/?postversion=2008041014

http://www.slate.com/id/2188745/?GT1=38001

most of us are ghosts.

you’re only not if you’re rooted to one place and maintain the same circle around you for your entire life, never venturing out past the torches of the village into the darkness.

try to project a balanced reality. you get penalized with bad surprises when you go too far in either direction.

we count our feelings in yesterdays
–shea seger

don’t worry about things that don’t exist yet.

prepare to handle it, but don’t worry about it.

rjd2 has beautiful hands.

i learned a lesson this week.

sometimes people concentrate too much of their energy on jealousy. they’re so angry at the things other people attract into their lives that they spend themselves focused on hate and being fearful.

i think that was my biggest change in life. being able to see people have more than me, have better things to me, have bigger achievements, yet feel indifferent to it because i know that when i find the thing that i do best, i’m going to be really happy with it. the excitement of the mystery keeps me intrigued and i’m usually too busy hunting for the clues to my own life to worry about what other people are doing.

i think if people didn’t take other people’s accomplishments personally and just kept that energy focused on finding their own path, they would actually end up having a life that makes them happy. these things will probably even surprise them if they allow them to.

now listening to: royksopp – melody am

okay, back to work. i’ve been slacking off, getting too into the physical side of life.

i need a job that exposes me to the maximum number of people, but allows me the choice in who i interact with.

one thing i liked in amsterdam was these food carts that sold hot dogs or fish sandwiches. they would set up in these major tourist crosswalks and be able to see everyone walking by. i loved that. if i could have their vantage point and cover, i would be able to grab all the interesting people and get into their minds.

but then there’s this thing called pride.

how the fuck do i explain to my friends and family that i ran off to amsterdam to go work in a fish sandwich cart.

but i am realizing how happy something like that might make me. to find that there are people in this position, who can hang out and see people who are coming and going, be able to grab and have connections with the interesting ones. i think this would benefit me.

i’ve got to stop my nonsense issue about money. it’s irrational and i’m going to waste my opportunities.

i enjoyed office life only in the aspect that i could hide in my office and mindfuck these detached voices without faces calling in in a way that things out of the ordinary happened and suddenly i was making so much money for the company.

that’s why i got so pissed when i left. i did something really special for them and they couldn’t understand what it was.

but every single person who meets me can tell, i’m someone who really needs to work for myself.

so i’m trying to create my own reality. imagining a situation where i can see myself really being happy, so that i have a goal to work towards, a projection to be painted and brought to life.

and honestly, when people aren’t giving me too much pressure, it’s been a lot of fun.

so okay, the idea of being exposed to people. i need to be at a vantage point where i can safely observe people without them noticing. i want to see them in their natural form, as who they really are.

the position should also be one in which i can easily establish a friendly, warm rapport that asks nothing of each person but honesty and good faith. selling food is an easy one because food makes people happy and tends to attract a great deal of traffic.

i would want it to be something that can be quickly served so that the register area doesn’t become energetically anxious.

staff members would need to be able to mingle.

guests should be encouraged to stay as long as they would like, but the customer base tends to be gracious about giving up room for incoming guests.

it is a place where people seem to really see each other, and find people they have chemistry with. it’s known as a place where good things just seem to happen.

it will be shaped as an O

and i think those are just the first details.

you can’t create a shitstorm, and then be upset that now there’s a shitstorm. can you, julia?

brian walks into my office.

‘you know what else is your problem,’ he says as he rubs lotion on his hands.

‘what?’ i swivel my chair around to look at him.

‘the guys who come after you…it’s like they turn into chicks. because normally it’s the girls who obsess and put up couples pictures on their messenger, but these guys are saying i love you in the first five minutes and worrying about marriage like they’re women. I don’t know what’s with these dudes.’

he finishes rubbing his lotion, turns and leaves.

i think about it. it’s true.

my magnetic power turns men into lesbians.

fuck. fuck fuck fuck.

half of me needs to grow a spine.

half of me needs to stop being so nice.

half of me needs to get my head out of my ass.