Echo

I’ve dated a guy who was in the opening credits of Austin Powers I, and I’ve dated another guy who was in the opening credits of Austin Powers II.

So this guy I know just finished his website:

http://www.maximilien69.com/index.html

I just had a…though-provoking conversation.

This guy has been trying to get with me. Within the “negotiations,” I’ve been very upfront about what I’m looking for right now (or more specifically, what I’m not looking for) and we were on the same page, except he’s just revealed to me that he has a girlfriend. So of course, I tell him this is a dealbreaker and I won’t be going out with him. I ask him if he was serious about his girlfriend and if so, then why he would want to mess around on her. He said that he was very serious about her but there were some things that he needed to get out of his system. I told him that he was looking for more trouble than he was ready for because messing around on someone he truly loves will fuck him up. So, in the same way things usually work out with me, we end up getting into a deep conversation about why he would be motivated to do something like this, and the conversation turns to sex issues. I’m giving him advice about communication and approaches and even sexual techniques and then it comes out…he’s never messed around on his girlfriend with girls, but a few times with guys. Strictly blowjobs, giving and receiving, but he says that seeing another guy’s hardon turns him on. That it’s not so much about the guy, but because it’s taboo. And his girlfriend has no idea that he’s bi or that he’s had encounters with other men. I tell him that just because he’s turned on by hardons doesn’t necessarily make him bi/gay (which is just a label anyway when sexuality is actually quite dimensional), referring to Brian’s Dan Savage/Trannie article. It just means that he likes hard-ons. I spent the rest of the conversation talking to him about the hard-on as a symbol, sometimes how people, men and women, are turned on by the sight of a male erection because it means approval and it’s an outward, measurable sign of pleasure, of which they caused. And sometimes, people are turned on by it not so much because they are gay, but because they have self-worth issues, probably stemming from an important male relationship. And maybe if he talked about this with someone close to him, he’d find out that he doesn’t really carry around this “horrible secret” of being bi, but that it’s something else, and by telling someone, he’ll discover that this thing that is a turn-on isn’t actually such a big definer of his sexuality. Or maybe he’s just gay but scared to accept it.

So here’s my thing. I have conversations like this a lot. Even with random strangers. Conversations turn deep and these people feel comfortable enough to reveal deep issues and I put all judgement/preconceptions away and just focus on easing suffering. But then afterwards, I have to deal with my own feelings about things. Right now, I’m a little bit tweaked. I have so much anxiety about being played for a fool. Because the first guy I ever dated played me for a fool and I never want that to happen again–to be disrespected and yet be completely oblivious of it. So it scares me enough to think that someone I’m dating or even married to would cheat on me, and it really tweaks me to think that there are these facets of them that I don’t know about–such as this need to go out and fool around with other guys. I know that my top three questions that I ask when I meet a guy are:

Are you married? Are you single? Are you gay?

Because I don’t want to be doing anything with some cheating scumbag husband and ruining a family somewhere. And I don’t want to be hurting some other girl by doing anything with her boyfriend, being used as an instrument to disrespect another person, her trust and their relationship. And I don’t want to be blindsighted by being pulled into someone’s fantasy about themselves, when they are trying to avoid being truthful with themselves. I just don’t want to be the last one to know about things, to be the chump, to be oblivious. Because I’m really, really hard on myself to the point of cruelty and this happens to be the arena in which I am a downright tyrant.

I’m trying not to think too much about this. But it’s conversations like this that make me terrified of dating. Because I don’t think I could ever trust someone. As much as you will ever know about someone, you’ll never know everything and I’m so scared of what kind of things are in those shadows that I can’t see into.

ADDENDUM

Alan…you know this stuff with coincidences? Here’s one:

I was dating this guy and after three months, we still hadn’t had sex. So one night, I have this horrible dream where we’re talking and he makes a joke like, “Yeah, I’ve fucked a guy.” I ask, “Really?” And he kind of looks at me funny and says, “No.” . I look him straight in the eye and say, “Really?” He says, “Of course not.” I say really gently, “You know, it’s okay if you have.” He gets quiet and then finally says, “Once.” I’m devastated in my dream and in real life, because I start to cry in both. I ask, “Were you doing him or taking it?” And he said, “Taking.” And I felt the whole world physically fall apart.

When I woke up I was pretty traumatized. We hung out that night and he was being an asshole and I went to a party afterwards with Jake and Brian. I saw this guy eyeing me but I was pretty much ignoring him, because I was in a pretty bad mood. He comes over to talk to me anyway and it turns out he went to the same college as my boyfriend. So I ask him if he knows him. He’s not sure. So I ask him if he knows “**,” my boyfriend’s ex. Turns out he knows her really well. So I say, little blond guy, dated her for a while, was in [whatever frat]. He says, “OH! I know who you’re talking about! He almost got kicked out of his frat cuz he gave some black guy a blowjob at [some gym on campus]!” I FREAK OUT, because I HAD JUST HAD A FUCKING DREAM ABOUT THIS THE NIGHT BEFORE.

So he calls some guy over and asks, did you hear about………..etc? And that guy says, “Yeah, they tried to kick him out cuz he’s a fag and went down on some guy at the gym.” The first guy says, “That’s her boyfriend!” And the second guy says, “No shit! He’s not out???”

The Different Flavors of Sex
(or, the night I got frustrated with work, had ONE beer and became Dr. Ruth)

Have you ever put your fingertips together, closed your eyes and then focused on what it feels like for one hand to be touching the other, and then for the other hand to be touching the first? It’s an interesting experiment in perspective and sensation. I think in a way, this is what it’s about when people say that you’re really in touch with your body. To understand what it feels like to experience yourself from within your body, and then try to experience yourself from without. Dancers are really in tune to their bodies; they understand the connection between the body and the soul and feel completely comfortable existing within the balance of these two. I bet for great sensual sex, for both men and women, go for a dancer. No guarantee on personality and all the other usual criteria, but I would put my money down on great sensual sex. The kind that gets you really in touch with, and really comfortable in your own body.

For physical experimentation, go with mutually drunk, uninhibited sex, (not to offend anyone but being honest here), best with a stranger. If you know this person as a person, then on some level, you’ll worry about what they think and performance and other engrained psycho-social constructs; then your intellect will inhibit your ability to gain the full experience. This kind of sex, without inhibitions, allows you to fully experience the capabilities of the human body and the ways in which it can perceive pleasure. Yes. Raw, raunchy fucking. Doesn’t have to be drunk, but it has to be absolutely uninhibited, which is hard to do sober. It’s AWESOME when you’re starting out to really get in touch with your body. You figure out a lot. The favorite of more immature sexual explorers who are still discovering their bodies. It’s one that sexual-developmentally, everyone probably has to experience on the road to development. But some people get stuck in this stage and are too afraid to move on. They’re really missing out on full sexual exploration.

Emotionally-naked sex, of which “make-up sex” makes up a large part of the category, is had when both partners are suddenly absolutely emotionally vulnerable. I say “suddenly,” because complete emotional openness is very hard to mutually maintain. This is why this moment usually occurs right after a fight and a make-up that causes defensive walls to crumble. When people have sex when they are both completely emotionally-naked, just as with the ultimate in sensual sex, you will be able to perceive something physically as well as simultaneously perceive yourself perceiving it. But your emotions will do the same and suddenly, it will feel like your consciousness and mind and everything from which you perceive the external world have merged and there are no boundaries between yourself, your partner and the universe. This is the spiritual basis of tantric sex. It’s amazing.

And then I got tired of talking about sex……..I’m tired now.

Well, these are three kinds of sex. All are worth having at some point in your life, whether with the same partner or different partners. Optimally, you don’t have to have the same kind and you can vary. I, personally, would prefer to find a partner who is capable of all three and is as intuitive as I am about letting the Moment dictate what kind of connection it’ll be. Otherwise, I’ll have to find different experiences in different people, and I’ll never settle down if I know there’s something out there that I want but I’ll be restricted from getting. I think it’s important for people to be able to explore sex, as they learn more about EXPERIENCE and connection and life, especially within themselves. I wouldn’t mind exploring with the same partner, but I really think the partner needs to be intuitive about reading the moment and not be afraid to really explore. And I haven’t met anyone like that yet.

I think I’ve come to admit that sex is really important to me. It’s not so much because of the physical pleasure, as it is the connection with a person, the universe and life and living. And the growth and wisdom as a person that you end up gaining because of the connection through the experience.

“Hi Julia. This is Michael S***. Your brother?”

Picked up bk. Ate dinner at Fred 62. Went with bk to 7-11 to buy cigarettes and ran into Ryan Locke, Nautica model who also went to high school with me. Chatted with him and gave him my card. Came back and ate dinner only to remember that Brian is a huge Ryan Locke fan. Told him. He was SO pissed that I forget to tell him, especially since Ryan had walked by us at the restaurant and I was about to mention it, but then didn’t because I didn’t want Brian to make fun of the fact that I gave him my number. Improvised a joint with a hollowed out cigarette. Went to the Dresden. Gave the hot black sax player The Eye. Realized how easy the bar game is (ladies, here’s the key. It’s all about eye contact. Like a staring contest. When you have eye contact, let him be the first to look away. When he looks back at you, hold his gaze for a few seconds, then break into a mysterious smile. Trust me. They’ll come over. Be careful not to look too long at ugly guys though. Because they’ll never leave you alone). Went back to Fred 62 for desert. The Bossa Nova Waffle? Waffle with vanilla ice cream and dulce de leche sauce? The best thing I’ve ever put in my mouth, and that’s saying a lot. Unbelievable. Hung out with bk and his roommate. And here’s the funny thing. bk and I have the same birthday–June 14th. I asked his roommate when his birthday was and he said June 6th. Brian’s birthday. It was weird. There were 4 geminis in the room, and each pair shared a birthday. So bk and his roommate had the same birthdays as my roommate and I. Freakin’ crazy.

Quotes from the night:

“You’re like a tall drink of milk.” (some dorky guy trying to pick up a girl at the Dresden)

“There are consequences to your touching, Julia.” (Brian to me)

“It’s fun to say ‘balls.'” (waitress at Fred 62)

“What’s that political chick’s name? Cunnilingus Rice?” (bk’s roommate)

“In the olden days…” (Lauren about when we used to circle the wagons and drink milk with a layer of cream on top)

–humans are evolving into different species. It’s not just men are from mars, women are from venus. It doesn’t have so much to do with gender, but specific types of consciousness. Look at the way different people live on different mental and spiritual planes. We’ve evolved quite well physically and are now dominating our environment. So now survival of the fittest must take on survival within a collective, ie big cities. Sometimes I honestly think that hundreds of years from now, the progeny of these business types will be a completely different (psychological/spiritual) creature from the progeny of artsy-fartsy empathic feeling types (of which I am one). We’re still at the rudimentary stages of the creation of this rift.

–I need to get my car washed. Something happened to my rear bumper. It’s like someone with a heavy boot kicked it. So I guess I’ve been going around pissing people off. Good. They say in Hollywood, no one is anyone until you have a stalker. So I’m halfway there, I guess.

–Doug Christie had a double-double today as Sacramento routed Dallas. I picked him up for 1 game and he came through with 21 pts and 12 assts. Peja, Dirk and B-Mill did pretty well, too. I’m very proud of my children. I traded T-Mac, the love of my fantasy-season life for AK47. It was a business transaction. I had to put my feelings aside and I hope he understands. He will always have a special place in my heart and I apologize for all the times I cussed at him for missing his mutha%$*@ing free-throws. Also picked up Lebron, Bibby and Malone for Pierce, Shareef and Jalen. But of course, Navy-Bitch had to protest both trades so we’ll see. If Webber hadn’t come back, I’d have 4/5ths of the Kings’ starting lineup.

–the topic of the month is still sex. It’s always sex. It’s the topic of the lifetime. I watch people’s eyes light up when sex hits the table. So why stop now?

–why wallace why wallace why stop now?

–we don’t live forever, you know

No sex is better than bad sex.