Echo

When I was driving from Washington back to California, I passed so many cars towing boats that I thought about how cool it would be to have a boat. But then I thought about how I had no desire or talent to maintain a boat so I thought, I need to have a good friend who owns a boat. A few days later, I was watching tv with my mom and the scene involved a yacht. My mom said, you need to find a good boyfriend who owns a boat. I laughed. Told her I had recently come to the same conclusion.
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Strange how quickly the new becomes familiar. I’m walking the path along the pier I walked my first day exploring my neighborhood after I moved here, everything foreign yet collectively forming a wide open canvas. And now, everything so familiar, but still with its awe-inspiring beauty.
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Two weeks into job, things are going well, displaying higher level of leadership and confidence. As promised, my best skills are communication and interpersonal relationships, and right away, I’m bridging the gap between sales and marketing so that we can start formulating our brand identity for this next step forward. I’m in Seattle now because they’re letting me break my lease early so I have to get all my stuff out this weekend. After 2 weeks of 10 hour days under flourescent lights, I feel out of place here, eating lunch in my favorite waterfall garden while my new responsibilities are out of reach. I’m standing on Pier 66 now, watching the Infinity prepare to set sail. I’m saying goodbye to all of the things I will miss. Seattle was good to me. I grew so much into who I am here.
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i am drowning in this air, but i have never burned brighter.

I don’t want to be in a relationship for a while.

I have to be focused here. I have to dedicate this time to only me and work. Don’t have time for a lot of things anymore. Dropping emotions like fuel.

Many people are going to find me unknowable. Cool. Electric in both good and bad sense. Do not be shocked. Somewhere, I am the same person. But it would be good not to approach me at this time.

Astrology just uses words as symbols and magnets. What you’re really listening for, are the spaces in between a person’s response to their positions.

Had my first meeting today. Could have expanded but didn’t. I am polite. I don’t want to speak out of turn, or find out I’m mistaken. Don’t know if this was the right thing to do or not, so I’m patient.

Also, found out the office has a rat problem. I can never hold my true feelings out about that.

I bought 3 bags of dark cabernet chocolate cherries, threw one of them in a souvenir bag and gave it to him.

“Give these to your wife,” I said. He barely acknowledged, his head was so wrapped up.

These business travelers. They need to always bring something back for the woman.

I don’t like insects. I want to live in a space that’s hermatically sealed to prevent insects. In fact, it must prevent anything that could come in undetectedly and die. I don’t want to kill, accidentally or in defense of my space. And I ask that all living things try to respect boundaries, so it never comes down to having to kill.

One day the little girl drowned an ant just because she was alone and could. It struggled to the edges of the puddle of water, fought until it ran out of strength then died, looking suddenly deflated.

She never did it again, but the memory made her sad.

Every time she jumped into deep water, there was that moment of panic when she would realize she was the ant.

What I learned in my 2 1/2 years of freedom.

In the world where I come from, you can know me for years, but I won’t let you inside of me.

But in the world out here, I’ll instantly build a relationship with you with no roots that runs deep.

No wonder I need water.

I suddenly realized what kind of plant I would be. Described…

They grow out of the muck and towards the sun to produce awe-inspiring blossoms. The seeds from a lotus pod can remain viable for centuries. Even the tuber, when cut open, is the most beautiful shape and is…delicious.

Yeah, you heard it here first.

I was never meant to survive a whole life on dry land.

Water.

What I may or may not mistake for air.

What happens to people who keep their feelings an open secret?

Well, you know. What do you think happens?

My credit score’s in the 800’s now. I’m so responsible. All the haters who think I got everything handed to me in life, fuck you. I work for a living. My life is all about hard work, and continually pushing forward to the next level. What I have I earned. Stop crying and examine your own life, rather than being jealous of mine.

the question is, can the virgin love the whore?

personally? i don’t think so.

the whore resents the virgin.
the virgin rejects the whore.

doesn’t mean somewhere, they didn’t love each other.

Found in a document on my laptop titled “Amsterdam.Pain” :

When something happens to hurt a person’s trust, it’s always the secret idealist hiding behind the face of the cynic who suffers the most. You would never imagine it, the wave of explosive emotion and anguish when some privately treasured bit of hope is lost. But sometimes, because they love someone so strongly and want to believe so badly that they’ll force themselves to see the person the same way, even though the practice of it hurts their insides to the point that it threatens to bring them to their knees. Today I was walking, trying to keep my mind off of it but it was always there, like a film held on pause. Then I would imagine him, imagine this person who meant so much to me doing this thing that I couldn’t understand, a vision that twisted to the point of suffocation something so deep and rooted in me that I hadn’t even found a name for it yet. When the film would play, my legs would go weak.

there is nothing i want more than a place where i can just lay down and be honest.

I’m understanding it’s not just lovers who can break your heart. I guess I never really realized it before.

Example:

You tell someone how you feel.

“Why do you feel that way?”

“Because of [this], [that] and [the other].”

“You don’t need to justify your feelings. If that’s the way you feel, all you need to do is say so.”

See? Circular argument that backs a person trying to communicate into a corner. Communication is a tool for opening up the world, not closing it down. Inviting people to walk into a trap and then punishing them for it is more than anything, a reflection of how you feel.

I’m not going to struggle in no-win situations anymore. I’m not going to allow myself to be invited into being anything less than myself, because I respect myself and what I’m doing with my life. I appreciate people who care about me, and want to see me make the most of myself. I want to be there for the people I love, but if they punish me for their own feelings, I also can’t stand there and continue to take it. It’s not right if I did. It’s a matter of self-respect. You can love the people in your life, but if they are doing the utmost to push you away and don’t seem to want to or be able to stop, sometimes you just have to walk away. At least until they can treat the relationship more fairly.

The hardest thing is this:

Someone comes up and asks you a question. If it were just a question, no problem. But they are asking you a question with a judgment already in mind, so it’s actually a challenge and a provocation.

Basically, no matter how you answer the question, it doesn’t matter because they’re not actually asking a question, they are expressing judgment in rhetorical form.

And because of that and the fixed nature of where they’re coming from, any “answer” you have to their question, they will view it as you trying to justify whatever it is they don’t agree with, and they will take this “justification” as evidence that they are right, because anything that is “true” shouldn’t have to be justified.

It’s a no-win situation. They are basically putting you in a position where they are asking you to justify something, just to turn around and criticize the act of “justification.”

What’s frustrating is they never see how the person is not reacting defensively independently, but they have invited this person to feel defensive, and then they trap the person in a corner for feeling defensive. Why set people up like that? Nothing good comes out of it. What do you get out of trying to make someone feel insecure and small?