yoga’s kind of a crazy thing that’s another knowledge i was born with. i used to do it alone in my room as a child, these exercises with my body in different positions that i would hold for as long as possible, because in that tolerance of pain, i was proving to myself that both my mind and my body were strong, and in the essence of feeling that, they would grow stronger.
medition was another thing i was born knowing. i would put on a cd with sounds of thunderstorms, and relax my body, starting with my feet until they would disappear, then this force crawled up my body making each part it touched relax and disappear, until it felt like i was this force breathing out of the bridge of my nose. my breath would slow into what felt like an expanse of time for each cycle. and then i would see what was in store for the day, and what things were fixed and what things i could change with more positive thinking.
i would go somewhere deep, because it’s a traumatic shock if someone would walk into my room if i was in a state. but if given the space to get there, i could see a lot of things.
like home runs. one time i meditated and afterwards, i knew i was going to hit a home run in the game that afternoon. i had imagined the future already so i strutted into warmups and tried to bet someone i would hit a home run. no one would do it because everyone fucking hated me and my ego, but my best friend wanted to throw me a bone and bet me a quarter. so i went out there, cocky as shit, and hit a home run. I was laughing going around the bases, i’d hit it so far, and i could feel the hate seething from my team. i was being an asshole. but my friend was like, whatever. and the next at bat, i hit another home run. okay, this one surprised me. i didn’t see this one, but i was giddy over it. the next two at bats, they intentionally walked me.
this is the thing about girl’s softball at the po-dunk level. these coaches have egos. they never intentionally walk because it’s embarrassing. it’s not strategy when you intentionally walk a girl when you’re down by 9 and she’s the lead-off batter. you just don’t want her to play.
so after that was when all the trouble started with the other girls, and i learned the dangers of being too proud of projecting strongly. so that’s why i do things quietly now, and share my knowledge only to whoever seeks it. and if some people could learn how to ask me the right questions so i would know how to help them, i would do it for them, imagine whatever it is they need me to imagine as long as it’s positive and hopeful.