Echo

How is it possible I could potentially be involved with two lawsuits? All I want is my roof that’s been leaking for over 3 years fixed, yet I don’t understand why certain people would rather drag these things out and not deal with them in a proper, professional manner. I think some people demand that things get escalated because they have no professional integrity. As for people who rear-end others in traffic, ignore calls from their insurance company for weeks and then come back with a lie that the accident was caused by the victim, that’s just bullshit. So now, instead of sitting in the slow lane in rush hour traffic and getting rear-ended, apparently I cut someone off and hit THEM. I personally would never lie about these types of things because I’m afraid of karma, but I see some people have no problem with dragging their integrity through karmic manure.

On the positive, I made a really kick-ass pot of minestrone last night.

I just switched over to this new blogger, and for a few hours, I got really scared that I’d erased my blog, since I know my template isn’t an official blogger template so it always has problems with it. In fact, it’s been so long that I’ve had this template that I chose as a joke (what the hell happened to my little kitten that shit paw prints), that I guess people know me by my super gay peach-tones. The new blogger does have some new features that I have yet to explore, one of them being a label function for your posts, with the suggested label, “scooters, vacation, fall.” I felt obligated to comply.

5 more days before I leave for Miami for the Super Bowl. My mom has requested that I not wear anything low cut because her work associates will be there. I argue that I MUST wear all things low cut because professional athletes will be there.

I was at a mall this week and I turned around and thought this guy standing behind me was Shawn Marion of the Suns. My legs went weak. It turned out it wasn’t him but it really surprised me that should I ever meet Shawn Marion, that my legs would go weak. I always thought I was an Amare kind of girl. I love the Suns.

I just finished up my Final Cut Pro class so I have my Sundays back. I do need to go through all the lessons at my own pace to feel like I have a handle on the basic things, but at least the whole process isn’t as daunting. I’m hoping this is my first step to becoming more technical. I’m also simultaneously learning Dreamweaver, which could mean trouble.

I’ll tell you, remodeling is a process. I got a quote of $45K to remodel two bathrooms and a kitchen of a two-bedroom condo, and I just about fainted, because we didn’t even want that much done. Needless to say, it was laughably over my budget. I did some research on the internet and the average cost to remodel a master bathroom with decent material in LA is between 21K and 24K alone, which is disgusting. I’m learning that contractors are as bad as lawyers in that they can basically charge you whatever they want, and you have to be ready to give up your first born. The good news is Reggie knows someone who can do it for much less, and there are certain things we can do ourselves. Like paint. I like to paint. I can’t say this process isn’t fun though. I can’t wait to see my little ex-crack den transformed into something nice.

In other news, still need to find that restaurant space. We need a larger kitchen for the lemonade production stat.

There are days when I feel like letting my job know that it’s time for me to go, because I can’t stand living above water anymore, that it’s killing me. I think about those whales in captivity with their fins all limp and that’s how I feel inside most days. I haven’t visited those dark places that scare me in so long, that I barely believe in their existence anymore, like monsters under your childhood bed that you’ve driven away with adult reason. But maybe they aren’t so much as dark, as they are a murky unknown. They serve a purpose, and if you’re brave enough to delve in, you get to walk a different path, embark on a different journey. I haven’t been able to look at life askew, and without it, it makes me feel like I can’t see things the way I used to, where there was a top side, and a deeper truthful underbelly. I think at some point you have to go to the edge and decide if you want to stay with your feet safely planted on the ground, or if you’re going to jump and trust that whatever rushes up to meet you, is what was meant to be. And maybe, despite all your doubts, you could fly after all. The dark side terrifies me. But I think I need it, because I don’t think this is the right path that I’m on.

No amount of money is going to make me feel safe. Responsibilities will always be there. My brother’s life will be his no matter if I’m there to catch his every fall, and I have to accept that. And I know full well I can’t deal with regret when it’s inevitable. So then, what’s holding me back?

Sometimes I think that people look towards other people to display that passion for something, that true belief in something that is beyond this world. I look at people who fervently create art, even fucked up, psychopathic terrible art, and I think, despite what I may think about it, despite all the people who laugh at it, that person has an indescribable drive that demands they create or else…Or else. And that’s something that I imagine to be akin to when our species first discovered fire…something that was so miraculous, so dangerous yet so beautiful, that you were just as terrified of it as you were terrified to be without it. What happened to all the underground bloggers? The ones that were tiny points of light on this darkened highway, bleeding out their truths? They’ve abandoned their faces, but they’re still out there. The poets, the bleeders, the optimists, the ones just tearing at their tired masks. I wonder if they’ve found anonymous venues when the intimidation of attention sent them looking for safer corners. Or if they refused to abandon ground, but found their voices stifled. What happened to all the bare naked truth that used to float around here? I hope you guys are still out there. We are all still very, very human, each and every one of us, and all delusions aside, we have no idea what the fuck is going on. And I think every person deep down craves that reassurance that it’s not just them, that it’s all of us.

I am a coward. If I weren’t, I would quit my job. If I weren’t, I wouldn’t be pushing other people to get their lives in order and I would get my own, or define the life I want regardless of external pressure. I would stop giving other people advice that I’m too scared to live by. I once drove all the way to Vegas, dropped $100 on a blackjack table in 5 minutes, then turned around and drove home, just because I was sad and didn’t know what else to do. And in hindsight, I don’t know why I did it, but at least I did it. That existence is so much better than one where you’re numb. I went a whole year without background music (I still have the same CD’s in my car changer from 2002), and it shocks me that I didn’t notice. How can you live without music to guide your subconscious spaces? I didn’t realize until Whit made a comment one day, that one of the things that helped our creativity when we lived together was that we always had music on, rather than the TV. And then I realized, wait, what happened to the music? Because the TV is ALWAYS on now. The internet is always there. And there’s always time to waste.

Fuck this over-domestication crap. If this world goes to shit, I’ll never survive in the wild. I propose a psychic revolution, a emergency alert for awareness. Look around at all the ways your life has numbed you, and decide what purpose does it serve–is it helping you or hurting you? Use your psychic antennaes, reach out to your world, your people, your life path. Get reconnected and start evaluating the why’s and the how come’s in your life. Because if you notice that things just haven’t been right lately, that there’s been this overwhelming feeling of dread that you can’t put your finger on…you have to ask yourself, is it out there? Or is it in here? Because I have a feeling that I’m not the only one that’s feeling like the world is off kilter but we’ve all been getting too sedated and numb to pay close attention.

http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/6380092?FSO1&ATT=HMA

Stephen Jackson? The man is locker room cancer. He’s a bad influence on any team with a plethora of young players. He’s Allen Iverson without the skills. He’s got legal issues right now related to a shooting in Indiana. No one would trade with the Pacers up until now, because every deal required that the other team take Jackson as well. That’s just great.

Glad to get rid of Dun-nothing, but this is all we can do? A headcase and an overrated sidekick (Harrington)?

Actually, it’s a good trade for the Warriors, all things considering. We didn’t have to give up the players we like (Ellis, Biedrins), and we still have JRich as trade bait for something else. Harrington and Jackson will fit well (at least better than our two Great White Hopes) in Nellie’s system, and we’ll at the very least have an exciting run and gun team. Do I still secretly prefer watching the Suns? Of course. But at least we got rid of two of Mullin’s biggest contract mistakes without giving up anything devastating. Now if we can find some way to move Foyle…

We’ve got tickets for the Clippers/Warriors game tonight. Since the trade went down today, that means GS won’t have Dunleavy, Murphy, Diogu, McLeod, Harrington, Jackson, or Sarunas J. tonight, so with injuries included, their bench will be skimpy. I hope it’s at least a close game. I hate it when GS gets blown out by either LA team.

http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2007-01/12/content_5600294.htm

“Oopsies.”

Today I discovered that dropping Mentos into a 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke causes a glorious soda geyser.

Today I remembered how much pyro-fun can be had with lighting non-dairy creamer with a cigarette lighter.

Today I had a loud-volume conversation with my mom about prenuptial agreements.

Today I realized that the cost of remodeling is very expensive.

Today I learned that changing to a new cellphone number because Sprint screwed up your plan but not telling anyone means getting left out while your friends go ice-skating downtown.

Today I indulged in a beautifully luxurious afternoon nap.

Today I watched a French movie about futuristic cannabilism, but I spent most of my time looking at the actors and wondering what constitutes “good-looking” in France.

Today I tried to play NBA 2K7 on xbox, then quit, blaming my poor performance on a faulty controller.

Today I feared that my brain may be at its limit of capacity.

Today I wondered when extraterrestrials would finally make contact again, and if us humans could manage to behave in a calm and civilized manner when they do.

Today I vowed to be in bed by midnight, but lost ground when I spent half an hour looking up photos of Britney’s new man on the internet.

I think one of the beauties of having a 9-5 is knowing that you’ve entered into an implied agreement with your employer that 2 days a week belong strictly to you, when you aren’t owned by anyone else. My only regret today was not being able to make it to Costco in time to get econo-sized packages of Mentos and non-dairy creamer. And getting the message about ice skating a day too late.

When I was in my early-20’s, my aunt once told me, don’t dick around while you’re young because once you turn 25, time goes by fast and the next thing you know, you’re already 30. I know, right? I can’t tell the difference between 2005 and 2006. I used to identify the years and seasons within by who I was dating at the time, but since being in a stable relationship, the years just run together.

I just finished Suspect Zero which dealt with two of my favorite subjects — serial killers and parapsychology (in this case, remote viewing). Ben Kingsley plays an ex-FBI agent seriously disturbed by his stint as an agency remote-viewer used to track down serial killers via psychic empathy. First of all, Ben Kingsley is brilliant and probably nuts. You have to be to be able to get that deep into a character, and he has my full respect and admiration. His commitment as an actor is beyond words. The movie was shot very artistically and had some great dialogue (check out Kingsley’s monologue when he’s got the movie’s protagonist tied up). The DVD has a really interesting featurette about remote viewing and its scientific background, though since it’s a featurette to promote the movie, it doesn’t go as in depth as I had hoped for.

I got rear-ended on the freeway on Friday on the way to the gym, which sent me right back home. Woke up this morning feeling like I’d played 6 hours straight of basketball, which led me to the doctor’s as a precaution. Having been rear-ended before (in my car, I mean), I expected that I would probably have a sore back and shoulders this morning, but I’ve got these back spasms that have me predicting another round of chiropractic visits and physical therapy. I was really irritated about the accident…we’re in stop and go traffic in the slow lane of the freeway, and this guy still manages to hit me hard enough to bash up the left back side of my car. He got out and suggested we not report this to insurance and he would give me $200 for the damages. I didn’t feel like telling him that $200 would only pay for the taillight that was completely shattered. Hell, my sideview mirror that this lady tore off while trying to park her car had cost $600. I hate dealing with the logistics of a car accident. The bonus was that I was prescribed Vicodin, but I’m not really big on pills so the score of this is lost on me.

Shik Do Rak is my favorite restaurant right now. It’s Korean BBQ, except you wrap the meat with some grilled onions & mushrooms, lettuce, kim chi and chili sauce in this wrapper that’s like a wonton wrapper, but made with rice and with the consistency of a large panel of pho noodle. If you bring more than 2 people and get the larger combo meals, it comes with a bottle of Soju. The food is incredibly messy, but for about $20 a person, you get a really unique and filling twist on Korean BBQ. The host (owner?) Roger, is the cutest little guy who will make you feel like you’re a guest in his home. I saw countless guests thank him with a hug when they left. I can’t say I wasn’t tempted.

Why aren’t more people watching 30 Rock? Alec Baldwin is genius (on being sold a pager by Tina Fey’s loser boyfriend: “Excuse me, I’m expecting a call from 1984”) and the show is really quirky and hilarious. I love the writing. I’m hoping the show stays on for a while so it makes it worthwhile for me to write a spec, as I would prefer not to go through another Andy Richter Controls the Universe disaster.

The use of cellphones while driving is now a ticketable offense. Don’t know if that includes bluetooth use, but watch that cellphone use when you’re behind a wheel, and if you see someone else doing it, feel free to call 911.

People gravitate towards anger because it’s the most accessible and instant means of verifying that one can still feel, with fear/anxiety following as a close 2nd. Other feelings are more abstract and subject to interpretation, and can not help you verify whether or not you’re operating on auto-pilot.

People are either pushed or propelled through life. Some let external forces push them, some let inner forces chase them. Either way, you can experience both while being completely numb.

There’s something very unsettling to me about being still.

I am afraid of the dark, particularly in any room that features a mirror or open doors. I tried to confront that fear last night by turning off the lights of my bathroom. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths, trying to focus on the fact I was in a safe place and that there were people in the house who would protect me, and that it’s rare for an entity to manifest itself in a physical enough form to hurt me. I panicked anyway.

When I was young, I would sleepwalk. Sometimes I would be in mid-conversation with someone, and slowly realize that I was sitting in the dark on the couch in front of the TV, and that there was no one there. Yet, I would feel like there was someone there. I would go to sleep every night with the covers over my head, even if it was hard to breathe, and be scared that I would wake up in the living room talking to people I could feel but couldn’t see. I finally stopped doing that in high school, though I would still sleepwalk out the front door sometimes, which was always so much less scary than those times I would wake up in the living room. It’s terrifying to wake up to find you’re not in the place you’re supposed to be, and you swear there’s someone else there in the dark with you.

Once when we were little, my brother and I were playing and I accidentally knocked him on the side of the head. He had been really bouncy and happy, but all of a sudden, his eyes just dulled and he slowly crawled into bed and went to sleep. I was scared because what happened with his eyes was weird. He had a seizure later that night, and I called 911 because my parents had gone out to dinner with friends. The paramedics came and asked me if his head had struck anything recently and I told them he had a history of seizures (which was true), but I knew I caused it. They carried him out of the room. I don’t remember how I got to the hospital. They put him in this bin and hooked him up to IV’s, and he was really pale and weak but he still laughed when I played with him, until the nurse came over and told us to be quiet. My parents came and they looked so scared. I told them I didn’t know what happened.

Do ever think back about something that happened in the past, and your heart beats faster, you start to sweat and you get terrified even though you know that at the end of the scene, things turn out okay, but when you’re reliving it, there’s a part of you that doesn’t believe it? Thinking about that night still scares me. It happened at the hotel by Disneyland. I hate Disneyland now, and I’ve never told anybody the reason why.

Reggie saw a ghost when he was younger, walking up the stairs of an old house in which a man had died. It scared him so much that he had trouble going to sleep in the dark, well into adulthood.

My baby cousin has been seeing things in their house, in the corners and high in the air. He gets scared and cries, and it’s disturbing his parents because they don’t see anything, yet my cousin will point and cower. He calls them “Bugs” and says they’re very large. They have taken him to eye specialists, neurologists, priests and spiritual gurus, etc., but no one can tell them anything. The priests just said that we share this world with things that are both good and very bad, so it is very important that we pray and stay connected and aligned to positive forces.

People don’t have to believe in ghosts, but the phenomenon of being haunted is indisputable. Whether it’s something you’ve seen, experienced, believed, done, thought…we carry these things with us the way we carry our shadows, and these are the things that visit us when our minds and beings are still. I wonder what else we would see, if we weren’t working so hard to stay numb, to focus on only the things that are in front of us or that we put in front of ourselves to keep us looking forward. I always look at people and wonder, what are the things that haunt you?

New Year’s Goals (in no particular order)

1. Finish a feature script by March
2. Finish said script’s outline by December
3. Complain less at work.
4. Yell at boss less at work.
5. Remember to close office door when yelling at work.
6. Learn to be vicious without raising my voice like Meryl Streep in Devil Wears Prada.
7. Afford Prada.
8. Make six-figures and not spend it all on bubble wrap for de-stressing.
9. Go to gym more.
10. Go to gym for more than 20 minutes more.
11. Have the guts to take dance-oriented aerobics class and not feel like that fat girl in junior high who split her pants in PE.
12. Strengthen my knees so I can drive to the basket more.
13. Dribble better with my left.
14. Dunk
15. Windmill dunk
16. 360 windmill dunk
17. Stop using the same water bottle for 3 months.
18. Think of clever name for a restaurant.
19. Open said restaurant.
20. Quit job to sit in corner of said restaurant with laptop, thinking about wanting to write as I sip my own overpriced cappucino.
21. Expand J&R’s Lemonade.
22. Learn web design to aid expansion.
23. Buy a manufacturing plant.
24. Enforce a hair net rule.
25. Find a doctor who can help Michael with his weird allergy symptoms
26. Find Michael a job.
27. Buy a Treo and get organized.
28. Learn to back up files.
29. Learn Adobe Photoshop.
30. Make animated penguin movie where they all have my face.
31. Set aside time every week for fun reading.
32. Stay in touch with people better.
33. Figure out what I want to do with my life.
34. Buy another condo.
35. Learn more about property management.
36. Shoot something on HD.
37. Eat a gallon of ice cream in one sitting.
38. Throw it all up.
39. Ponder how hard/easy life must be for Nicole Richie.
40. Direct another comedy show.
41. Be nicer to Reggie.
42. Spend less time surfing the net.
43. Find a direction that I’m comfortable with.
44. Be okay with not doing anything.
45. Be more focused and limit multi-tasking to only when it’s efficient.
46. Update He Looks Like at least once a month.
47. Blog more.
48. Limit snoozing to less than 4 times each morning.
49. Get up earlier so I can sleep longer in the shower.
50. Don’t be so afraid of people.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6063982

Are you kidding me?

The night before Christmas Eve, Michael threw a tantrum in the parking lot of a grocery store in Fremont because he was hungry. Anyone who knows someone with autism, they know that they have occasional tantrums that include irrational screaming, cursing, and sometimes aggressive behavior (hitting, throwing objects). These tantrums can be very rare in high functioning people like Michael, but given the right circumstances, if the autistic person’s mind gets “locked,” they will feel backed in a corner mentally and the ensuing episode can be likened to that of a trapped animal — they are fighting for their lives, rationally or not. The tantrums usually last for a few minutes, with the beginning being the most intense when you’re not sure of the level of aggression the tantrum will feature, whether he will be screaming/cussing only, or if he will swing at you. The major things that need to be controlled to mollify the tantrum are 1. Noice Level (people talking, loud noises, and 2. Eye contact. You can not make eye contact or the tantrum will escalate. You have to pretend you don’t notice him. The cycle of a tantrum begins with him yelling and cussing, daring people to look at him. But if you do look at him or say anything to him, it escalates the tantrum even more so it’s a really wicked cycle. The hardest thing to control are strangers. Crowds will look, which will escalate the tantrum and draw it out longer. It’s much easier to handle for us in private than in public, where the circumstances usually cause the tantrum to escalate, and we can’t give him his space to cool down because we are trying to shorten the scene.

In this instance, the parking lot was fairly empty, though cars would come and go for last minute shopping. My mom went to talk to Michael while Reggie and I took each side, blocking his eyeline so he couldn’t make eye contact with other people. If he sees them, he’ll usually flip them off and ask them what they’re looking at, and with the wrong person, you have a confrontation (a young punk at a movie theater trying to prove something to his hoochie girlfriend once stepped up and tried to pick a fight, and that resulted in the police coming out). Anyone who drove up and tried to look, we intercepted and explained that Michael was autistic and to please not look at him. I talked to the manager of the store who had come out and I explained that this was a tantrum cycle–it starts with cussing, etc., and usually ends up with him crying because he’s embarrassed and doesn’t understand what happened and why he couldn’t control himself. At that moment, a car alarm nearby went off and Michael yelled, “Shut up!” The manager laughed and said, “Did he just tell the car alarm to shut up?” I said, yeah, people with autism don’t like loud noises. The guy was cool and said Merry Christmas and walked back into the store and most people were understanding and just walked away. There was one old lady who drove up, and by then, Michael had calmed down and was just talking heatedly with my mom. She got on her cellphone and Reggie thought she might be calling the police, but when we got close to her, she dropped her voice and started talking about “dinner.”
My mom finally talked Michael down and we got back in the car.

Usually after a tantrum, we don’t speak and we wait for him to talk about it. He usually needs time and space to gather his understanding of what happened. We got home, took the groceries upstairs and started dinner, while Michael gathered himself in the car.

Michael finally came upstairs, super contrite, and I went to change. I heard a loud thump which I didn’t think anything of, but when I came out about two minutes later, there were a couple of cops standing in our entryway. Apparently, that old lady had been calling the cops, and thinking that it was a domestic dispute, they traced our license plate and showed up at our house.

I missed the bulk of what happened–the cops had rang our doorbell, Michael had answered it and when he saw they were cops, he had tried to slam the door on them. The cop blocked the door (thus the THUMP) and yelled, “You can’t close the door on the police!” Michael ran away. Luckily, Reggie and my mom had run in and blocked the police as they tried to chase after him, yelling that Michael’s autistic and afraid of policemen. The police stopped in their tracks and said they had gotten a call about a man threatening his wife. Reggie explained that it was Michael throwing a tantrum and my mom was calming him down. My mom said they were welcome to talk to Michael to show him that the cops are his friends, but when he yelled, “Michael? You wanna come talk to us?” Michael screamed, “Nooo! Go away!” Reggie and I kind of laughed about it like, “haha…well…this is what we deal with” to make it seem like this was routine and no big deal. They were nice about it, saying how hard our house was to find and how they had gotten lost going down the wrong street. As they walked out the door, they yelled, “Merry Christmas Michael!” and Michael yelled, “FUCK YOU.” We all laughed, wished them a Merry Christmas, and closed the door.

We were scared shitless.

The tantrums are hard to explain, and can be scary if you’ve never seen one and don’t know they are short-lived and non-violent with the right type of handling. If he does hit anyone, it’s usually one of us, because he’s a coward and knows we won’t hit back in public. Michael is also a big guy, and when he throws one, most people don’t understand and can get scared. This has been a great burden on our family, and something that keeps me up a lot of nights. I don’t understand why Michael has never thrown a tantrum when he’s in LA with us, but he’s like an emotional landmine when he’s with my parents. My greatest fear in life is those confrontations with the police. The first thing we do when he has a tantrum is surround him, and we explain to people that he’s autistic, and he’s just throwing a tantrum. A handful of times, a security guard has come over or the police have arrived, but they have been mostly understanding, and Michael usually runs away from them, apologizing later. But I worry about the wrong police officer showing up, the one that’s trigger-happy. Michael’s tantrum behavior is completely irrational and verbally aggressive. Michael is always carrying something in his hand, be it his keys, his toy cars or his toy airplanes. All it takes is for him to have something in his hand to justify a police shooting, and for them to say that they thought he had a gun.

The scariest thing about that night was that we had left Michael alone in the car to cool off and think. I didn’t go change until he had finally come upstairs, and I heard that THUMP about two minutes later. If those officers hadn’t gotten lost trying to find our house, they would have probably arrived while Michael was still alone in the car and confronted him there. No one would have been there to explain to him that he’s autistic and unarmed, outside of toys in his hands. Who knows what would have happened, because Michael would have freaked out, being trapped in the car with nowhere to run, and acted irrationally. I still stay up late, wondering if I would have heard pops instead of a thump that night while I was changing. It really, really terrifies me.

My mom says each time gets closer and closer. I really don’t know what to do. I’m trying to move him to LA, not knowing if I can handle having him here, or what he’s going to do to fill his days–all I know is he’s NEVER thrown a tantrum here without his parents around and that’s the only hope I have. But what if he throws a tantrum down here? What will that mean? And what will happen, knowing that LAPD is so much more reactive than
the police back home? We know that if he’s in the middle of a tantrum and the police come, we have to take him down and pin him just to show that he’s subdued, which is so fucked up but the only thing we can think of to make sure that the police don’t do anything stupid. But what if we’re not there?

I spend so much of my time looking up specialists, researching his medications and trying to figure out the best way to work with him to allow him to bypass the impulse to throw a tantrum. Every time he comes down here and does so well, I hear about him throwing at tantrum at home. I don’t want him to get killed by the police. Knowing my parents, they’ll jump in the way and get killed, too. Will moving him away from home, away from his past and his emotional scars be the answer? Do his medications help or hurt? Where is the answer for this so I can sleep at night?