Echo

So this is what went down last night. I haven’t processed all of it yet internally, but I was definitely in some kind of zone.

I did my first speech for Toastmasters last night. I secretly had one objective and one objective only–the private me that only people with “soulmate” connections see, and what you get a taste of on my blog…I was going to publically reveal it. I was going to rip off my mask and show my true self to a room full of people and see what happens. I didn’t know what to expect, but I did expect it to be an unusual night for probably many involved.

I know what the experience is like for people in one-on-one situations–it changes them. I’ve been told it’s like being hit with a live wire, an energy that gradually works its way through you until you can no longer see yourself or your place in the world in the same way. Sometimes the changes are small or temporary, sometimes the changes are dramatic and what floats up to the surface from these people’s subconscious is a big tragic fish that they can no longer ignore. Over the years, I’ve grown in confidence that as hard to explain as these connections and experiences are and as scary as the unknown is, it’s something that does immense positive good for those who can hear the message and accept it.

I was nervous. I’m a writer, not a speaker. I may seem outgoing, but the true me, I hide like a monk in a dense forest who only reveals himself to the stranger lost in the woods to provide direction. Otherwise, I keep to myself.

I practiced the night before in front of the one person who had inspired this change in me, the one who stirred up my insides enough to make me want to share this ability, to not keep it hidden. I have knowledge. That raw truth is power. And I was going to see what happens when I reveal that I know how to use it.

The meetings are held at an IHOP in Santa Monica. I always thought it was a little ridiculous, like a Saturday Night Live skit. We’re in this little conference room in the back of the restaurant, and as these nervous people are giving speeches, waiters come crashing in with dishes rattling, and bad 80’s music like “Take My Breath Away” or “Take On Me” trailing after them from the restaurant speakers. The group is mixed–a lot of business/financial types looking to improve their professional presentation skills next to shy, mousy individuals looking to get over their shyness, with a small handful of free spirits tossed in.

I was a little anxious, but I was confident. I know they say, imagine your audience is naked as a way to not be nervous, but I needed one hell of a pep talk from myself, the kind that’s so confident, so spot on, it destroys any cell of doubt inside me. I looked around, at this fairly conservative crowd and then in my head, I heard myself say:

I’m about to have sex with all of your minds, and you don’t even know it yet….

It was the funniest thought to me, but it was so true. Suddenly, there was no doubt inside me. These people, so docile eating their dinner, some slightly bored…I looked at each and every one–the old ladies, the stiff business men in suits, the married guy who’s closetly gay, the cute nervous guy and said in my head, you are all gonna wanna fuck me when i’m done with you.

Oh man did I feel empowered.

Ironically, the theme of the meeting turned out to be Passion. It was like it was fated (to give you an idea, past themes have been music, islands, BS like that). This kind of cheesy woman was our guest speaker and she’s made a living teaching people how to inject passion into their speaking. I listened to her and she had a firm grasp on enthusiasm, but she wasn’t truthful, she was wearing a mask. She was boisterous and colorful, but not radiating true energy, passion. I felt confident I was about to do something big.

We take a break and I go outside to commune with the night sky. People walk by and they see me, but even the homeless people looked and left me alone, for which I was grateful.

I was the 2nd speaker, and the first one was this girl who joined the same time I did. She was giving her first speech, the same assignment I had, which is called the Icebreaker where we introduce ourselves. She’s a little shy and she’s doing this to confront her fear, and I was proud of her because she did a good job despite her nervousness. She talked about how she came to choose her profession, and even told some jokes that came off well.

Then it was my turn. I chose to wear a solid black button down shirt so that my personality from my clothing was neutral if not mysterious. I loved that I had said hi to most of these people at the past 3 meetings I’ve attended, but no one knew me so I was working with a blank slate. My evaluator quietly asked me if there was anything in particular that he should look for and I told him, I’m a Gemini, so what I”m going to do is show you three facets of myself –something that’s superficial like these people are expecting, then something that only some people know, and then something that no one knows. He asked me, “A gemini is usually two. There should only be two sides.” I smile and say, “That’s the myth isn’t it? There are actually 3 sides to every coin.” And with that, I get introduced.

The toastmaster had emailed me questions about what I’m passionate about and what makes me jump in with two feet so that she could write an introduction for me. I had written her back and told her that I would answer all these questions about passion in my speech, so I gave her an intro that I knew would give people their first surprise about who I was.

So she introduced me and she says, “Julia is an avid basketball player who on a good day, shoots 60% from outside the 3 point line.” The corner with all the young guys suddenly gets lively and you hear them go, “WHOA!” “She hopes to someday dunk when scientists figure out how to replace body parts bionically. She was the national winner of ESPN’s fantasy basketball last year, and she once used her knowledge of an NBA player’s stats to figure out his weakness and beat him at HORSE.” All the men were looking at me, bug-eyed. When I walked up, it was like I was a celebrity, like they were seeing me in a whole new light. haha, this was only the beginning.

I gave my speech, and there was no fear:

I was born on June 14th, 1978 at 10:55 am. Mom’s an A type. Dad’s an A type…it’s not a good combination. I grew up. Went to various schools. Was told my handwriting sucks and that I’m too fast for the girls, but the boys are too rough for me. I graduated from college at the age of 20 with two degrees, but to be honest, I didn’t really learn anything. I’ve had 5 knee surgeries but I can’t stop playing basketball. I like to play against men because how someone conducts himself when he loses, and how someone conducts himself when he wins, is an excellent indication of character. I’m a compulsive joker. I once told someone I have a photographic memory, but he didn’t believe me after he ran into me the next week and I didn’t remember who he was. I’ve walked into public men’s rooms six times in my life, but only once was intentional and no one said thank you. My two greatest fears are serial killers, and spiders, though a serial killing spider would probably scare me too.

On the flipside, I’m a closet romantic. I like thunderstorms…dreams…how 2am feels…and I’ve never kissed in the rain. I would like to think that there’s more to this world than just what we can see. I listen closely to people when they talk and I ask a lot of questions…not because I’m analyzing them, but because I’m trying to paint a full picture in my mind of the truth and beauty of who they are, flaws and everything.

I can be mentally impatient but emotionally cautious. I’ve been accused of being mysterious. I’ve unconsciously built a maze around myself that can lead people trying to get to know me into dead ends or circles,
but I promise you, my inner world is deep and calm, with a delicate balance, like a rainfilled well on a moonlit night, full of rich colors that I’m more than willing to share with anyone who can actually manage to find me.

My best friend in the world is Michael. Michael is 23 years old, and he’s the first person I ever said I love you to, where I really understood what that meant.

Michael is my little brother…and he’s mentally disabled.

My parents like to tell me that I was very protective of him when we were little, but I don’t remember that.

What I do remember, is the night he climbed up that high swivel chair in the kitchen, and he fell, hitting his head on the sharp metal piece of the chair. I’ll never forget that sound that night…

That….CRACK.

It was so matter-of-fact. So…unavoidable.

There was so much blood, so much blood. My mom was screaming, she didn’t know what to do. So she goes and gets our next door neighbor who’s a police officer, and he has to call the paramedics. The paramedics come, they take my brother to the hospital, and I don’t remember what happens after that. I guess he was okay, right? Because he lived.

But here’s the thing. A couple of months later, my parents are fighting so they’re not paying attention. Michael climbs up that same chair, and he falls. Again. And it happened so fast, even though I’ve seen this scene before, so I know what happens, I wasn’t fast enough to stop it. I couldn’t catch him. I didn’t catch him.

He falls, smashing his head on the ground and blood starts coming out almost immediately. His whole body is shaking and I can’t even tell if he’s breathing. I get down and put my hands on him to try to stop the shaking, and he looks up at me, his eyes terrified, like he wants me to tell him that everything’s gonna be okay.

But I can’t.

Because I’m convinced that this time, he’s dying for sure, and I can’t believe they let this happen again. This little boy, who has not yet even spoken a single word in his life yet, but who’s all I have in this lonely, lonely world, I think in this very moment, he’s dying in my arms, and there’s NOTHING I can do about it.

I just couldn’t handle it. I just…disappeared. I went…completely. Numb.

I always wonder if he would have grown up normal if we hadn’t let him fall on his head twice, but we’re not allowed to talk about that.

That was over 20 years ago that I lost my faith in life, in people, in a world that made any sense. But I finally woke up this year.

Have you ever tasted freedom? Do you know what it’s like to get a second chance at life? Where you could have resigned yourself to a path you didn’t really want, to a relationship that doesn’t fulfill you, to a job that drains you, but then you wake up one day, you take a look around, and you realize, this doesn’t make any sense. And you say, you know what? I refuse to live another moment in the shadows, in a world of fear or guilt or pain. I’m going to start living my life for myself, and I’m going to let go of everything that’s not fulfilling or that doesn’t make me happy or keeps me back, so that I can pursue what can be amazing, because I deserve it. Show yourself that you’re willing to be kind to yourself and take care of your hopes and dreams first and foremost, and I promise you, it will be a life changing experience.

I believe that so many people go through life numb. There are people, who have been put into a cage and locked in without a choice, like my brother, handicapped from his full potential by his disability. But then there are people, who like I did, will resign themselves to a prison with no lock, just waiting for the day that the world puts a lock on that door so they can say, see? Life was always a losing battle. I never had a chance anyway. But why? Fear? Fear of being free? Fear of having things that could make you happy? Fear of hoping for more, but failing? Of being disappointed? Do we really hate ourselves so much, that we’re not willing to at least try and explore who we really are, and what amazing things we could have in our lives?

They say that public speaking is the number one fear, but what is public speaking but standing in front of a crowd and saying, this is who I am. This is what I think, this is what I believe, and I’m completely vulnerable to your acceptance or your rejection. But what can be so scary about exposing who you really are, that it’s a fear greater than death? It’s because somewhere along the way, we learned that not only is it NOT okay to reveal who we truly are, but that it’s dangerous. So we spend are lives fighting to communicate as truthfully as possible, yet fighting ourselves to not communicate so truthfully, as to reveal too much of ourselves. No wonder we spend our lives so conflicted, so unsure of who we are and what we want. We’re all just hiding.

So let’s break the ice here, and I’ll go first. This…is who I am. You can feel me, not from my words. Not from my life history. Not from the facts and figures that you can list about me like stats on a baseball card. But somewhere in the space between all these things, something truthful in me is communicating to a truthful part of you and it’s saying, hey, let’s put down the weapons. Let’s put down the armor and let’s talk like human beings. Everyone…has pain. The true test of character is how we rise above the ashes of our personal histories to learn to celebrate ourselves, because no one will know how to celebrate you unless you show them how. Every person has a unique path. Every single person just wants to reach out to others and be heard, to be recognized to be assured that they truly exist, and that they are appreciated, that they are loved. Every person, every one of you, has a unique song in your heart that you’re just dying to sing.

So why not just sing it?

I took my time with the speech and I was passionate, radiating from every ounce of me the truth of who I was. People couldn’t take their eyes off me, and some of them were wide-eyed with forks frozen in mid-air. Usually people are eating, writing comments, etc., but the room was still once I started talking about my brother. Even the president of the club, a flamboyant attention-loving man sat there, pale, his eyes wide with his hand covered tightly over his mouth. I looked every single person in the eye, and they knew…I could see them. I could see who was terrified because they had no idea what was happening. I could see who felt called out because they aren’t fulfilling their potential or they’re in unhappy marriages or jobs. I could see who had reached a place of fulfillment, because they were smiling and nodding, and there was pride in their eyes. One woman had tears in her eyes. Even our supposed expert on passion…I spoke towards her a lot and at first she was like, wow, and then near the end, she looked kind of punchdrunk. I thought one guy, this guy from Poland, hated the speech because he kept avoiding eye contact, and I thought, oh crap, he hates this…this is too brutally honest and emotional for him. But it didn’t matter to me. There were people who were listening and feeling the message and those were the only people who mattered.

When I was done, there was great applause but everyone looked shellshocked. I loved it. The toastmaster came up and the room was silent. She stands there, just nodding, then finally says, “Wow.” She says, “Are you sure you’ve never done this before?” And there’s nervous laughter. We take a few moments so people can fill out evaluation cards for me, and I sit there staring down at the table, because I’m feeling shy again, back to my usual public self. I did catch some people just staring off into space, dazed, when I looked up.

I knew I ran long, it was supposed to be a 4-6 minute speech and I went about 10 minutes. You have to stick within your time
limit to qualify for the award for best speaker. But I didn’t care, because I knew I wouldn’t be back. This was my only objective, to see if I had the guts to reveal myself, my inner storm, my passion, my connection to the universe to a group of strangers and change them. I wanted to drop knowledge on them in the form of electricity, and I wanted them to be different from the people they walked in as. I don’t care about learning the structures of formal public speaking at this time. I was learning about the power of truth.

The funny thing was that there were two more speeches after me, and each speaker was really nervous, like their brains were cloudy, so they both ran over the time limit which I’ve never seen happen before. Basically out of 4 speakers, the only one who qualified by staying in the time limit was the girl who went before me. So the toastmaster decided just to qualify all of us, and I won best speaker by vote.

My evaluator had some great comments. He said that he knew I was a writer, so he had very high expectations. He paused and I got nervous because I expected a “but…” But he said, “You completely exceeded every one of my expectations. You went like 40 minutes over the time, but you basically gave us 3 speeches, and all three were excellent. You gave us your Icebreaker, where it was like this spoken word thing where you’re telling us these little facts about yourself that people may not know. And it was cool because you had this riff with numbers going on…5 knee surgeries, 2 degrees…and then you drop into storytelling, about this unbelievably sad, tragic story about your brother. You basically ripped open your chest and showed us every truth and emotion. You could hear a pin drop in here because every person was riveted and captivated by the feelings of this experience. It made me want to go back into my manual and reread the stuff on storytelling, because that was how you do it. And then the 3rd part…holy crap. You turn into this Tony-Robbins Break-Out-of-Your-Prison thing! Everyone could feel the electricity and was with you. Even though you ran way over, it was like we had this experience. We got to know you as someone who’s intelligent, and complex and mostly, very passionate and honest. I think with tonight’s theme of passion, you definitely turned on the juice and that you’ve got plenty more to show us, so I’m excited to see that passion in your upcoming speeches.”

After the meeting, I was still feeling kind of shy so I pulled out my checkbook and started writing a check for my dues. But then a funny thing happened. People lined up to talk to me. The one guy who’s speech I loved last week about how everyone should have kids because they’re amazing and how you should just pick something and fail at it, because everyone should fail sometimes because it’s too hard to try to be perfect all the time. He’s quirky and warm and I loved his style, even though they gave him a hard critique on structure which irritated me. He was one of the people who had watched me the whole time with this proud smile, and he came up and he said what I did was beautiful. I told him I loved his speech last week, and he said, that’s because we’re the same type. And I looked at him, and felt his energy and he was right. He understood that there’s so much more to life than the trivial shit, and that he also knows about spiritual love and the thing that connects us all. That made me feel really good, because it was a spiritual peer acknowledgment. This girl came up and she was a guest. She was really nervous but she told me that she loved my speech and it blew her away, touching her deeply. She said it was amazing to see someone open up their heart that way and just be that vulnerable and honest in a group full of people and she’d never seen anything like it. I thanked her sincerely and told her that means a lot to me, because it really did. She was this beautiful model type, standard LA, someone I would never speak to on the street, maybe out of intimidation, maybe because I wouldn’t be able to imagine we had anything in common, but she was giving me a very real and honest compliment and letting me know that I had connected with her and that she appreciated the experience. That really does mean a lot to me, even though I felt it more than I probably showed it. I think sometimes my politeness covers my emotional shyness.

The guy who didn’t make eye contact who I thought hated my speech…I saw him lurking around. Finally, when there was a window, he slipped up to me, leaned in really close, grabbed my hand and said, “That was incredible. You just raised the bar for all of us…to all the way up here. Thank you for that.” And with that, he left. I realized, he’s shy. It was endearing. Another person I may not have gotten to know out there in day to day life and connected to in this way, under normal circumstances.

The girl who gave the first speech came up and hugged me. She started talking to me about her parents, and how they had always wanted certain things out of her, and expected certain things with her life, but you know what? They’ve had their chance with their own lives. If you didn’t do the things you wanted, then too bad. This is my life and I’m going to do what I want with it. I listened to her and felt good inside. Something had opened up inside of her. She was playing with her inner fire.

I walked out with cute nervous guy. I’ve always liked people who are kind of shy and awkward, because that’s how I perpetually feel when I’m out in public, even though I come off very confident and open. I like going out of my way to make them feel comfortable. I asked him about USC football which is one of his favorite things (though one of my least favorite things!) and it was nice.

I walked out feeling good. Not so much for having gone up and given a speech, but for having done something I’ve never done before…the conversations that I’ve only reserved for people I’ve had deep connections with, the truth and blood and guts of me, I revealed to a group of strangers. And magically, connections arose from it. I know that this wasn’t something that anyone was expecting when they showed up at IHOP last night. But I know that for some people, it was something that will change them, that will make them think about their own lives, about who they want to be and what they want to do. Maybe it’ll be a temporary feeling, when they wake up, it will all seem like a dream or something that was strange and hard to remember. But the message will work in their subconscious. And maybe, if they can get to a better place, a happier place, they’ll pay it forward and set other people free as well.

I slept really poorly last night, and when I woke up, it was already a dream for me. But I know that somewhere, the universe is working and people are opening the doors to their hearts.

Red for Leo

Ever since the beginning of August, I’ve been wearing red every day because red is the color that symbolizes the Leo Sun energy. Leo rules your hopes and wishes as well as passionate romance and ultimate creativity. Since I’m going through a Saturn conjunct my Ascendant in Leo, I’ve been learning how to channel how people see me and their first impressions of me. I’ve discovered that I come off very confident and open. By wearing red to celebrate the Leo energy, I also believe that you can focus your energy on what you want to draw towards you, and it can become very effective. I asked for people who embody the element of fire to come towards me, and it looks like it’s been happening a lot. A lot of people with bright energy.

Today, I ran one of my social experiments at the gym. I don’t know why I never did this before, considering how much time I spend at the gym, and how 5 o’clock at the gym is the new happy hour. It’s like a jungle dance in there, how different people play out the mating game. But I went to the gym with my sole purpose being to observe, and see what kind of people are drawn to me. I brought my tiny notepad to take notes.

So in my recent experiments, I’ve noted that wearing black makes people notice me but more wary at approaching me, wearing light blues makes people feel comfortable in approaching. I wore a red shirt with the silhouette of a woman tied to a stake, and I completely discombobulated the cable guy on Wednesday. He couldn’t take his eyes off my shirt and he kept losing his train of thought while he talked to me. He ended up having to leave and request that a supervisor come help me. So today I went to the gym to observe the effect of red in channeling my energy :

Well, I decided that this would be too much red as to be overwhelming in a public place. So I wore all black except for the red baseball cap.

I kept my hat pulled down so that no one could see my eyes or where I was looking. I was watching everyone. The funny thing about the gym that I noticed today is that everyone is cruising everyone else–I even saw this older Persian guy cruising this young white frat boy who looked extraordinarily “neat.” Why drink when you’ve got prime people watching and endorphins coursing through your veins?

I noticed a lot of people looking at the hat, both men and women. Some were bolder than others. This one guy came over and says that he wants to introduce himself. His friend had mentioned to him, check out that girl in the red hat, and so he wanted to come over and introduce himself because it seems that I had an effect on his friend. He said that his friend had no idea he had come over and talked to me, but it would be really cool if I walked by his friend. I was watching him the whole time and decided to call bullshit. “So are you really here for you, or are you here for your friend?” I asked. He was caught off guard. I’m here for my friend. “Well it’s too bad your friend doesn’t have any guts. You guys must be really tight for him to let you do the speaking for him.” He said that the guy was his coworker, and that they looked out for each other. I asked him what he did and he said he was an undercover cop for the department stores in the building, and that technically, he was currently on the clock. So I stop talking to him, kind of icing him out while I stretch, so he said that it seemed like I was cool and said goodbye.

I stayed on the mat and observed. There was a really cute Jewish guy on the treadmill just rocking out to his iPod. Dark hair, pale skin, long eyelashes, sensitive eyes…my type. Couldn’t decide if I thought he might be gay. Definitely a mama’s boy. Man, there’s something about Jewish guys for me. It’s love/hate. But I couldn’t stop looking at him.

This guy comes up and sits down on the mat next to me. He says that he didn’t know his friend was gonna come over and talk to me until he looked over and it was happening (yeah right), and that he wanted me to know that he wasn’t afraid to talk to me (yeah right). So I kind of chat, but I hella don’t want to talk to him because I’m not attracted to him whatsoever and he’s kind of bungling nervous and it starts making me uncomfortable. So finally, he gets up and leaves.

I see this girl who was doing planks, and her ass and thighs were so curvy and toned, she looked like she was made out of plastic. Her ass and legs looked the way GI Joe’s would look if they were designed by horny gay men. And the thing was, she was Asian! Asian girls don’t have butts. I saw her though, and all I could think of was, “Good for you, sista.” Her body was rockin’.

I try to ride the bike for a little bit, and I can see guys circling a little bit. I avoid eye contact when they walk by because I don’t want a conversation to happen. The first guy who had spoken for his friend comes up to me and sits on a bike. He says, “I don’t even want to ride the bike. I just want to talk to you. My friend came back and said he thought maybe he had mis-assessed the situation, and I told him, no, I think she shot you down. How you expect to get a girl like that if you walk around like a pussy?” I asked, “Why would you say something like that to your friend? That’s mean.” He laughs and says, “I was just kidding. But I wanna talk to you. My friend told me not to talk to you, that you looked like some kind of hardcore kickboxer or something and you could kick my ass if I wasn’t careful with what I said.” I said, “Naw, I’m nice.” But then I ask him, “So if your friend is so into me, then wouldn’t he be pissed that you’re sitting here, trying to talk to me?” He says, “No, we work as a team.” But then he thinks about it and asks, “Do you really think he’d be pissed?”

I thought about what probably transpired between the two. This dude (Christopher), who’s totally better looking than his friend, is insecure so he keeps an ugly friend around. When he sees a girl he wants to hit on, he convinces his ugly friend that he should totally try something. So he pretends to play instigator by introducing himself to the girl and acting like his friend wants to meet her. Then he eggs on his friend to make an approach, at which point he will inevitably be shot down, because he’s being sent into a situation where he’s in way over his head. So this friend, the better looking friend, comes back around and apologizes for his awkward friend, then goes in for the kill. Basically, it’s like a reverse bait and switch. He comes up, and says his friend digs you. The friend turns out ugly. But the good looking friend apologizes and then hits on you, letting you know that he’s a better choice anyway.

Boys and their games.

So I told him, yeah, it totally sucks that he’s trying to talk to me after he tried to get his friend to make an approach. It’s like throwing his friend under a train to make himself look good. This guy didn’t know what to make of me and I just stopped talking to him. So finally, he took the hint, said, I didn’t even want to ride the bike, I just wanted to talk. But I just smiled and went back to watching TV, so he left.

I went back to the mat and did some abs. I saw this guy who kept circling closer and closer to me. He kind of looked like Derek Fisher and had a nice energy to him, kind of Leo-ish. So we made eye contact a few times and smiled, and at one point, I saw him standing by a machine looking like he was rehearsing something. So finally, I see him make an approach. He was going for the, “Hey, don’t I know you” angle, but just as he walked up, I turned my head as though I didn’t realize he was about to make a move. Okay, I admit, I just wanted to see how he would adjust. So he stopped and kind of looked unsure of himself, then walked away. It was like a plane going in to land, but then taking off again. So I watched him circle some more, but then he walked up. “Haven’t you been stretching for a while? Are you gonna work out at all?” I needed him to repeat it a couple of times until I realized he
was making a joke. I laughed and he seemed relieved that his approach hadn’t been completely turned down. He kept stopping by and talking to me, then he told me that he really liked the boxing class that was going on in the aerobics room. He asked me if I ever did it. I said that I’d done it once, but I also liked the boot camp class on Wednesdays. He said that he would be interested in checking out that class, then said that maybe he’d see me around. I neglected to say that I don’t go to that class anymore because I just joined Toastmasters so I’m at those meetings on Wednesdays. But I liked that guy’s energy.

Everything else was okay. I didn’t see the two really buff and intense girls who circle each other and don’t seem to know whether they want to fuck each other or fight each other. I did watch this one trainer that I always watch. He watches me when I’m not looking, and I watch him when he’s not looking. Sometimes we accidentally make eye contact and we nod at each other like we’re totally strangers, but we keep an eye on each other. He’s the type of guy who’s bad news. I wonder if he thinks I’m the type of girl who’s bad news. Because we keep our distance from each other, but we’re always watching.

I would like to go again and see what else I can do with the color red in the next week or so.

For now, I’ll be heading out of town to see what kind of trouble I can get into in the Texan heat.

How come there are certain people who come into your life and make you feel so angry, but when you look into your heart and try to find what it really is you want to say to them, you realize it’s:

I’M SORRY.

radiating from every fiber of your being. And as soon as those words appear in your head, you feel like you’re apologizing not just for the current perceived slight but for some grievance you made in another lifetime that this person has suffered immense hurt from, and all you’re begging them for is to forgive you and let you go.

Is karma for real?

The Power of Choice

One of my favorite stories as a kid, was the one about Sir Gawain and the hag.

King Arthur is challenged by a rival knight, Gromer Somer Joure , to discover the secret to the age-old question–what women desire most. King Arthur’s nephew, Sir Gawain (who was always my favorite, by the way, as he was the embodiment of Honor), sets out to save his uncle’s life by finding the answer to this riddle. He travels far and wide, and gets many theories and ideas from a lot of people. But it is Gromer’s sister, this hideous hag named Ragnelle, that promises him the correct solution if he marries her. Sir Gawain selflessly agrees in order to save his uncle, and Ragnelle tells him that what women want is, sovereynté, the freedom to choose. King Arthur wins Gromer’s challenge with this answer and his life is spared. However, Sir Gawain is obligated to marry the hag.

After the wedding, the newlyweds retire to their private chamber, and Sir Gawain is prepared to dutifully do the things that are expected of a man to his new wife. However, once in their private quarters, he discovers that the hag has transformed into the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. She explains to him that she was put under a spell a long time ago to look like a hag until a good knight married her. Now that the spell has been broken, she will be able to look like her true self half of the day. She offers Sir Gawain a choice–either look like a hag during the daytime, so in public, the world would see her as his hideous wife while becoming a beautiful woman that only Sir Gawain would see and know in private, or she could look beautiful during the day for all the public to see, but in private at night, she would retire with Sir Gawain as a disgusting hag. Sir Gawain weighs the decision, and after a long time, he declines the decision and asks Ragnelle to choose the situation which would please her most.

By offering her the choice to decide her own life, Gawain gave her the sovereignty, the free will, to have power and autonomy over herself, thus lifting the curse and allowing her beauty to return permanently.

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This story always stays with me. It influences how I deal with people (you should never force someone to make a decision. You can only advise others and decide how you will live your own life, and allow others the freedom to make their own decisions, no matter if it brings them more challenges or more expansion. The only choice you have is what you are willing to accept into your own life), and how I see my own life in how I project myself. Do I show my true self during the day, but in private, let others discover that what they love is an illusion, a projection of energy that comes from the universe to help them make their own discoveries, completely independent of one small, flawed human being who accepted a life path as a messenger? Or do I appear and do as others, and in the privacy of my inner quarters, project an entire universe that only a very small, select few can experience?

I had an interesting experience on Tuesday night. Someone unexpected got into me and ripped off my mask. It was not an unpleasant experience, because I didn’t let myself get defensive or feel fear. It was an experience based on mutual respect and trust. By relaxing myself to remain receptive, I was not afraid to stand pyschically naked and vulnerable in front of him, and was surprised that he was able to see me so clearly. We laughed about it, how people think I’m so complex, or I project myself in such a complex manner, but the real secret is that I’m actually a very, very simple person. How people think they’ve got a read on me, but it’s not entirely accurate…where I come from. How people sometimes perceive me of needing to be in control all the time, when in actuality, I’m not that way at all–my motivations come purely from not being controlled versus needing to be IN control. I don’t care what other people do, just don’t tell me what to do. And ultimately, at my core, I’m in love with everyone, no matter how I feel about them mentally or emotionally. The most interesting moment was when he said, I know the real Julia because I’ve seen her. You have this alter ego that you show the world, but this right here, right now, is who you really are. It’s like you’re magnetic and people can’t help being affected by you, and when you walk into a room, people can’t help but feel your energy and be inspired. Whatever you need to do to consistently be this person all the time, do it.

Honestly, this person has never struck me as deep and I’m not convinced he is. But for a small moment, it was like a door opened, and I got a message from the universe that had nothing to do with the man. So this is what it feels like to be on the other end, huh? I’m still trying to process all of the message I got that night, but I want the universe to know that I’m hearing it and I’m working really hard to be true to my path.

I wish it were so easy as solving a riddle, how to consistently be this person without fear that once I get close to someone, I will turn to dust.

Is it freedom that allows my energy to expand the way it does, this way where people can feel me and know that what courses through me is a higher level of peace and contentment, faith of a higher power in its purest form? Once someone is determined to catch me and put me as a fixture in their life, will it all disappear, shattering me to the point where I can’t remember where I came from and what it was that I once served?

I hope never to be caught, and one day, if I ever let myself, I hope that whoever that person is will help me structure my expansion to help me achieve my ultimate potential, rather than extinguish my fire.

For anyone to get close to me anymore, they must believe in magic. They must have faith in things they can not see, feel, smell, touch, etc. The reason I love David Gray’s White Ladder album is I feel it’s incredibly personal and truthful for him, that it’s all about the transformational power of love and faith. As he says, we have to let go of our hearts and let go of our heads, and feel what we know is true from the deepest part of ourselves. Because the only things worth living for are innocence and magic, and we can actually change our realities if we truly believe in that.

If someone can have that kind of faith and trust, if someone can earn my trust to the point where I truly feel that they have the courage and faith to welcome a life changing experience without feeling the need to possess me, if they give me the freedom to be myself, complete sovereignty to be a pure conduit, and can keep me safe while I’m in that place, then I promise them. I will show them the universe.

He was wearing a red & black headband with the number 23 emblazoned on the side, a strange accessory, she thought, for someone so straightforwardly pressed against her. She took him for underaged despite his success at battling for position inside this seething adult playground, searching like so many others for a much needed inhibition killer.

“Jordan or Lebron?” she asked, even though she knew the answer.

He smiled, lips parting to reveal an even row of smooth charm.

“My name’s Larry,” he offered, presuming her question to be an introduction.

“I think you’re 18, Larry, not old enough to be in here.” She is careful to control her demeanor as to reveal nothing, though her voice melts into that dangerously hypnotic timbre that can drown a weaker man.

“I’m 24 but I…I get that a lot.” His bravado stumbles a step but makes a commendable midair recovery.

He wants to know about her, his questions tentative yet polite as though engaged in a two-way interview. But she does not see it that way. She does not see most things the same way. She sees him as articulate, though having not yet developed a crafty man’s mask to hide an honest boy’s straightforwardness, and it evokes something gnawingly tender in her, a faint memory of some faraway loss. She is suddenly troubled that she can’t see his face–the room is dark, his face is dark around that little boy smile presenting possibility as a question mark, and her eyes have not been able to consistently separate color from form for hours.

She takes out her camera and without feeling a need for forewarning or permission, she snaps a picture, blinding him with the sudden explosion. She studies the captured image, his boyishness having nowhere to hide from an all too harsh light.

“You’re high,” she says, to which he sheepishly nods. She likes his transparency. She likes the way it tastes on her tongue. She likes the way he can smile at nothing in particular, just because he is happy.

He wants to see her. He wants to see how far the night can extend. He wants to hold on to whatever he believes is happening here tonight, because he is believing in magic the way a young boy believes in the magic of entire invisible universes in the darkness of a childhood bedroom. But when he leaves her for a split moment to retrieve his drink, the large Dominican who had been taking everything in leans over and whispers into her ear, “Whenever you’re ready.” He has danger in him, danger in his smooth caramel skin and in his light touch on her bare shoulder. Danger in his eyes and in his lips so close to her ear, in the long, crooked blunt tucked behind his own like another braid in his hair. She takes his rough, powerful hand and lets him lead her through the crowd, past the bouncer in black into the cool, biting night air that is eager to remind her that tonight, you make up your own rules.

But then again, she already knew that.

So I can’t keep straight anymore which people know I can read tarot cards and which don’t. This is a facet of the mystical side of me that I am very, very private about and very protective of, for fear of persecution and ridicule as much as to keep this ability private because I don’t want people who don’t really need it demanding my help (if I want to read for people or feel like I have something to tell them, I’ll offer. Because when I read for people, it’s not akin to a magic trick for purposes of entertainment. It’s a draining process of digging deep inside someone’s psyche/soul and bringing out hidden pain as part of a healing process). But I’ve always loved the artwork of the cards and wanted to share it, though I let very few people close to my deck. So considering I’ve been working at a scanner company for over a year now, I just figured out that I can scan them and post them so you can see some of my favorite cards. These cards are some of my most personal and private belongings, so be nice, okay?