Echo

When I started to write this book and I was writing and writing every day, then when that darkness came, I was ready to enter it. It took time before that, to reach that stage. You can’t do that by starting to write today and then tomorrow entering that kind of world. You have to endure and labor every day. You have to have the ability to concentrate. I think that’s the most important ingredient to the writer. For that I was training every day. Physical power is essential. Many authors don’t respect that. [Laughs] They drink too much and smoke too much. I don’t criticize them, but to me, strength is critical. People don’t believe that I’m a writer because I’m jogging and swimming every day. They say, “He’s not a writer.”

-Murakami

the hands that can’t see
the eyes that can’t feel

sometimes they just have to trust each other.
that is, when they finally realize the other exists.

i keep saying it, but i’m not applying it. no one can jerk you around without your permission.

nothing i say changes anything. so i will stop wasting my words.

ask questions twice in quick succession, forwards then backwards. you should get a forwards then backwards answer and these answers should be complementary. if the answers are the same, if you get no answer or feel physiological changes inside the person as they answer, there is a problem. Not necessarily a lie or dishonesty, but the person is on some level aware they are not being completely honest.

the question then, is always why.

i’ve found mountains and anthills, as well as anthills perceived as mountains, mountains perceived as anthills.

(yes, it’s from the play closer. it’s a craving. i can’t watch the movie without it giving me longings of obsessive thought. but it’s definitely one of the best works of modern, urban literature. i say that because so many of the words, their meanings and the way they’re arranged, tickle the hell out of my brain)

Larry (smiles): Don’t get lippy.
I liked your book, by the way.

Dan: Thanks…You Stand Alone.

Larry: With Anna. I’m not sucking your literary cock but I did quite like it–because it was ‘humane’ (surprisingly). You should write another one.

Dan (shrugs): Haven’t got a subject.

Beat

Larry: When I was nine, a policeman touched me up.
He was my uncle. Still is. Uncle Ted.
Nice bloke, married, bit of a demon darts player.

Don’t tell me you haven’t got a subject–every human life is a million stories.

Thank God life ends–we’d never survive it.

trust me. you get the most out of me as a friend.

one day you’re gonna jump so high, the world’s not gonna be here when you come back down.

musiK is music when it is stripped of its market value. It is the naked German beauty.
Being at the centre of man’s innermost reality, musiK is probably the wildest expression of the omnipotent might embodied by the great requiem. It is the impotent shiver performed by the descending lonesome violin. It is the spotless expression of enlightenment and its ‘highly praised’ tempered tonality. It is the sublime oud indecisive tonality digging into the Arabian night.
Unlike visual art, which composes beauty out of shapes, colours and matter, unlike prose, which integrates words into meanings and narratives, musiK is all about musiK. In other words, musiK is all about man, man’s emotions, intimate desires, pain, hysteria, tranquillity, lust, love, frustration, liberation and indifference. musiK is the search for oneself; musiK is the search in itself. musiK is mankind at his very best.

Keep true to the dreams of your youth.

sometimes the masterpiece, after it comes to life, doesn’t acknowledge or thank the creator, and that can make the creator feel used. 

certain words have a spatial echo for me.

time
space
infinity
large
small
echo
energy
feeling
universe
connection
lost
night
sleep
dream
shadow

more than anything it’s just sad. i’m thankful for the memories. i’m thankful for the experience. he’s a good person. there was no loss of love. it’s just…i don’t know…life. sometimes you have to step aside and let god do his job.

waiting for answers that will never come, for a person who was never there, for a promise of truth as empty as the dreamer’s eyes.

i put all of my faith in a carrot.

“what is it that i’m waiting for?” always a whirlwind of poetry but never an answer. how could i possibly stay when it became too painfully obvious? always a “wait and see…it’s coming,” always in the horizon. never a reality. i think the truth is, there never was a place for me. i was led on. i was manipulated. i allowed myself to become blinded by my own dreams to dismiss the glaring signs. there is no one sadder about it than me. but i stood up.

why, in the face of the obvious, is it so difficult for me to believe in never? my fatal flaw is that i believe in the impossible. i believe in miracles. i’m not going to throw out the good with the bad. i’m just going to trust myself more next time.

“what’s financially?”

i’ve decided to post things i’ve been keeping private the last couple of weeks. why hold it in? enjoy.

when trust has been repeatedly broken, can you believe anything when everything sounds like just more empty promises to be broken whenever convenient? don’t they say once a liar, always a liar, because people who lie constantly are so used to lying, that they no longer can tell the different between truth and lying anymore? that’s the scary thing. that a person can so completely lose their sense of truth and morality that they can no longer realize when they are lying to themselves and others. that when called out, they can always justify it as someone else’s fault. it’s weak. it’s dangerous.

i’ve definitely learned the value of honesty and trust. that trust is earned, and people who demand your trust when they don’t warrant it or even show that they value or recognize honesty is a dangerous game to play with your emotions and feeling of self worth.

i’m having a really good time with sarah and jef. it’s been a very healing time. they have been so amazingly supportive, having opened up their home and hearts to me, and it really reminds me of how wealthy i am in terms of people who love me. in truth, i know it’s because i give so much love back to this world, that this is also a reflection of what a good person i am that i have such amazing people around me. i’ve been so exhausted for such a long time, that i do a lot of sleeping. it really does feel like recuperation. i can feel the exhaustion down to the marrow of my bones.

i’m finally able to talk about this…the scariest thing about the last ten months was the not wanting to live. all the times i wanted to throw myself in front of a tram. i realize now it didn’t have so much to do with not valuing my life or not wanting to live anymore, but because i was so goddamn exhausted i would have done anything to rest. it’s like when you’re really tired from being up all night, you would do anything to be able to close your eyes and rest, even for 5 minutes. i was so emotionally, mentally and physically tired, throwing myself in front of a tram seemed like a reasonable (though irrational) solution because i was so tired. i would do anything just to rest for 5 minutes, even if it meant being in a coma or dying.

it’s so scary to think that i was that close to the edge where i could be so desperate for rest as to jeopardize my life. i’d never felt that kind of complete exhaustion in my life before. i’ve had to deal with quite a bit of stress in my life, i’ve worked on insurmountable projects, i am a really strong person who can take on a lot and be unrelenting with reaching my goals, but i’ve never experienced anything so comprehensively exhausting. i think the problem was i was trying to move a mountain that couldn’t or didn’t want to move. it was an impossible task to begin with. i’ve started opening up to my close friends about the exhaustion, about how all i wanted to do was rest, all i wanted to do was lay down all the burden on my shoulders and close my eyes for a bit, but day in, day out, it was the same thing, being attacked and having to fight someone who supposedly cared about me when in truth, they only cared about themselves and their own feelings. trying to reason, trying to point out things, trying to mirror the negative and push for the positive to no avail. it was like being stuck in an impossibly difficult and painful circumstance, but being told that if you leave, you’re an awful person. and a quitter. and the thing is, i’m not a quitter. my fear of quiting is almost a character flaw. i can’t take being accused of quitting, and that became my downfall. the thing is, there’s a difference. there’s a huge difference between giving up and admitting the obvious. there’s a massive difference between quitting and walking away from something destructive because it’s not good for you and you have enough self-worth to want to preserve yourself.

i did nothing wrong outside of wanting to be loving and good to someone and i resent all the times i was told that everything was my fault, or being blamed, or being flat out lied to. i did not deserve to have my sense of self or my sense of trust destroyed that way. NO
WAY. my good intentions didn’t matter whatsoever, nor did my thoughts or feelings. what the fuck? seriously, what the fuck, julia? i became so disappointed with myself, so angry with myself. why would i put myself in that situation? it’s because my heart is too soft. it’s because i can’t believe that if you care enough, you can’t eventually break through all walls.

but it’s not about caring enough or being strong enough or how much love you have to give. it’s about being honest about the situation. are you in an impossible situation with no chance of change? do you value yourself enough to walk away from a destructive situation or person? do you recognize that there’s a time and place for being willing to take care of yourself first and foremost when it matters most, and it’s not selfish as much as healthy? because at the end of the day, no one will look out for your welfare and safety more than yourself. you have to trust yourself to let in the people who are positive to you, and keep out the people who are destructive. you have to recognize that you are human, and that you can help people, but you can never save a drowning person who adamantly intends to drown.

it’s nuts to me that i put out so much energy into an impossible situation to the point that it drained me so much i could no longer look out for my very desire to live. NO RELATIONSHIP SHOULD EVER MAKE YOU WANT TO END IT. that is the ultimate sign of a bad relationship. no matter how good my intentions were, i should have never given so much of myself away so that i could be bled so dry as to be on the brink of emotional, spiritual almost literal death.

i will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever allow myself to be put in that kind of position. i don’t know why i didn’t see it at the time, but i let myself down. i am worth more than that. i am too strong, beautiful and deserving of happiness for that. i will never allow anything outside of me to hurt me that way again. i will never take on other people’s problems to the point it threatens to destroy me. i will never allow another person to tell me i’m less than i am again, to blame me for things that are not my responsibility, or to belittle and disrespect me that way again. i will never accept such lack of appreciation. they say no one can disrespect you without your permission and it’s true. i will respect myself enough to never give someone permission to mess with my insides. that is my promise to myself. and i’m someone who keeps my promises.

rewatched closer with sarah and jef last week. it’s one of my favorite movies that seems to deepen my understanding of life the more i live it.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”
-Friedrich Nietzsche

some people simultaneously live on two planes of reality.