Echo

on the first
of october i will mail
you what’s left of me after you
walked out six years to the day some
hair a few teeth the ashes of pictures long since deceased
and a whole lot of grievances
that don’t come cheap that i’ve
collected for you into something
familiar like a sixty pound
(leadhearted)
rubber band ball

existence

(“right now is everything,” “later on will also be everything,” though “later on,” quantatively should equal more than everything if it were interpreted in a linear model. There are inconsistencies in our current model of the time/space relationship. How is it that one thing can move while the other stays the same and they still have a consistent relationship?)

organizing old files on my computer and logging them. how weird it is that i have to research my own files because they seem so foreign to me, i’m not sure if i wrote them.

from 2/4/05. that has to be around the time i got my life straight.

Today’s theme seemed to be evolution. How we move forward not just as a group, but as individuals. I realized today that we don’t walk a straight line through life; every choice opens up potential futures, entire outlined stories suddenly willed into existence with the potential to be lived out. It’s our free will that conjures up those short walkways, willing them into existence, millions and millions attaching end to end to form the fluid grid that is, your life. But it’s destiny that pulls you through the walkway until you reach another choice with another potential set of futures that you can bring to life depending on how you choose to react and what you choose to do. So we just have to be conscious in each and every choice we make in our short time on earth, what it is we are really choosing and why we are choosing it.

He looked down at her smiling, the same girl he had smiled at for months on end.

Express yourself, don’t repress yourself
Express yourself, don’t repress yourself
Express yourself, don’t repress yourself
Express yourself, don’t repress yourself

You wouldn’t let me say the words I longed to say
You didn’t want to see life through my eyes
You tried to shove me back inside your narrow room
And silence me with bitterness and lies

Did I say something wrong?
Oops, I didn’t know I couldn’t talk about sex
[I musta been crazy]
Did I stay too long?
Oops, I didn’t know I couldn’t speak my mind
[What was I thinking]

You punished me for telling you my fantasies
I’m breakin’ all the rules I didn’t make
You took my words and made a trap for silly fools
You held me down and tried to make me break

Did I say something true?
Oops, I didn’t know I couldn’t talk about sex
[I musta been crazy]
Did I have a point of view?
Oops, I didn’t know I couldn’t talk about you
[What was I thinking]

And I’m not sorry [I’m not apologizing]
It’s human nature [Would it sound better if I were a man?]
And I’m not sorry [You’re the one with the problem]
I’m not your bitch don’t hang your shit on me [Why don’t you just deal with it]

And I’m not sorry [Would you like me better if I was?]

ben button is currently still my favorite movie of the year. emotionally and aesthetically lyrical, it’s the perfect symphony between director, story and actors. it made me weep for time and love.

th-th- that that don’t kill me
can only make me stronger
i need you to hurry up now
cuz i can’t wait much longer
i know i got to leave right now
cuz i can’t get much stronger
man i’ve been waitin’ all night now
that’s how long i been on ya

i had a really good day. the housekeeper from downstairs told me she loved me. i think it’s because i’m always nice to her and happy to see her. that made me happy.

time to get to work. i saw the circle. i’m about to fly.

bottom line:

i have a lot of unconditional love to give to someone who truly believes he deserves it.

I feel the new beginning. I have faith in the guy I met yesterday. I think we will work well together. I’m coming to terms with a lot of things. i know i’m an amazing person who needs an amazing person. i know i am capable of fearlessness. i know that i have a nose for the truth. i know that i have a need for truth. i know that i have a lot of love and passion to give, the real, unadulterated stuff, and i share it with people, but the highest level of it i only want to give to the person i’m holding it for. i came into this life committed. the question i’m seeking to answer is, to whom. i have to be true to myself. i have to stop hurting myself when people let me down. i have to stop being so angry with myself for getting myself into situations that are disappointing or frustrating. i have to not take things personally and know that people are doing their best, but not lose focus on my path. i have to appreciate everything and everyone i encounter who gives me support or offers me clues to keep me moving. it has always felt like i was born trying to remember something, trying to remember some secret i was born with, but there’s someone i need to find who will understand what it is. i can’t get distracted from the search. whatever pain i incur from human relationships only makes me emotionally richer. at the end of the day, i have to be faithful.

just watched the golden globes. this week i have to see:

the reader
revolutionary road (gotta read the book first)
slumdog millionaire
the wrestler

mickey rourke wins best actor? he’s still alive? how freakin’ long have i been out of the country?

i write to fill the silence.

1/10/09

The banks are really in trouble. There’s more advertising than ever urging us to invest, be it savings accounts, portfolios or life insurance. Across the street, I see a massive sign about there being no such thing as saver’s remorse. I haven’t seen it in daylight yet, but I can only assume it’s an ING ad.

I stumbled upon Nick Bostrom. It was his Letter from Utopia I found, but am very interested in his other writing. I would really like to meet him. I realize how few people I really have interest in meeting. I only care about finding the one, and anyone who can give me clues as to who he is.

Why the one? Because he’ll provide me the ultimate mirror. He’ll provide me proof of oneness, the universe. Through him, I’ll see it. Until I see it, I’ll keep searching.

I love David. I love his being and soul greater than any other man. I think he’s inherently a good person, in search of being a happy and whole person. The problem with life is the restraints that life can put on a person’s soul as it’s trying to come into this world. If they’re worn for a long time, they can become integrated into who that person believes he is, whether or not it helps or hinders their pursuit of personal goals. Sometimes you interact with that persona and it feels empty or frustrating because you find yourself falling into its emotional traps as you try to get to know the person, but that’s because you’re getting to know a mask…it’s the emotions controlling the person, the clothes wearing the man. And a bad set of clothes a person doesn’t feel comfortable in can be prison. It can make him do and say things that come more out of pain or fear of pain than out of who he really is. Behind the things created by this world is a real person. Behind all the crap that life lays on us, the traumatic experiences, the pain of loss, the anxiety, the loneliness, the fear, is a person. That’s the real beauty. Our true unadulterated selves as imperfect humans is the absolute truth in beauty. But how visibly that beauty radiates in the light of day really depends on if the person has the strength, clarity, self-respect and self-compassion to take off the things they don’t like, and put on things that make them more comfortable to be their true selves. I have no doubt David will find himself. I actually think he’s well on his way. He has every reason to believe in himself and his capabilities. A lot of times people will want someone’s committed support before stepping forward to take charge and create their own success, but even if the other person’s wants to give as much support as they can, they’ll never really be able to give them enough to feel confident, to fill that fearful void that urges people not to take the leap. Sometimes, one of their life lessons is to learn that it’s ultimately up to them to take responsibility for achieving their own goals with or without the support of others. To see that they can be competent and successful on their own, that when they believe in themselves and reach a goal, they inherently earn respect and trust from the people who matter to them. Reaching places of higher self-esteem also allows people to fully appreciate the support of those around them because they are seeing it from a place of higher self-esteem, not a place of need. From there, healthy relationships fall into place, because a person now believes in himself or herself, and there’s no fear of taking things too personally or being too rooted in the protection of one’s own ego because there’s nothing to be afraid of. Because that person’s projected energy is whole and comfortable with itself, it opens a portal which allows this person to achieve a comfortable level of intimacy and deeply connect with another person who’s an entire universe unto herself. That is the best feeling in the world.

I’ve been working hard on everything’s that’s come out. I have an appt with a counselor who specializes in anger issues tomorrow, and an appt with a guy whose smile in his picture reminded me of Ethan. Lately I’ve been remembering Ethan a lot, how he was someone I could show myself to and ask for help knowing he would never take anything from me while I was vulnerable. It was unfortunate that my hiding something kept us from being closer, as probably my opening up to someone trustworthy and kind would have probably created an immense amount of healing for me at a time when I was really seeking it. In hindsight, I can see that I was too young at the time, too scared of other people and myself, but I honestly believe I’m in the position to try again. Strangely, this guy works on the same floor of the same building I used to work in. There are two therapists in that office who used to harass me a bit which turned me off of male counselors, but he didn’t start there until after I worked there, so he doesn’t know who I am. Either way, I’m going to unravel this until I come to a level of peace with it to be able to get back on my path.

I’m really going crazy not having a job. Am not desperate for money or security, just want to be kept busy while I come up with ideas of where I need to be next. I talked to Whitney about her temp agency because since I don’t even know if I want to stay in LA or move to SF, I really don’t want to be committed to work. I would rather see where I get sent, and who makes me the best offer.

I’ve been reading a lot. I have many thoughts about many things. I started a new notebook. I think a lot about secrets. I watched a comedy show and realized how I was uncomfortable because all the jokes were mean. I realized how much closer my heart has gotten to my sleeve.

Overall I’m really happy, happier than I’ve ever been. I’ve come to realize how rich my life is, how much love and support i have in my life, and I can now consciously and honestly appreciate it. It’s like having asthma all of my life and suddenly being able to breathe without restrictions. I am sad about certain things but I feel like what happens is what was meant to happen and if I just watch it unfold and don’t succumb to fear or the influence of others, I’ll be very happy with what I find.

one side can’t see the other.

what is it about people who don’t ask questions. what are they keeping out?

in dreams we find ourselves

do whatever it takes to make the most out of something you love. if it means keeping a distance to maintain the idealization, then do it if it makes you happy.

you recognize each other’s soul, but in the light of day, your clothes clash.

i asked him to lift up his mask to show me if he was really him, but he just wouldn’t or couldn’t do it. so i have to keep looking.

i like music that makes me sad because i only paint with my own blood.

fast healer but needs privacy.
diplomatic beyond reason
ferocious
inchoate
comes as she wants
goes as she wants

analysis
synthesis
triangulation
fixed or malleable
contradiction in polarity
balance
how many lives can a person live simultaneously?