Echo

Check out this site! People send in anonymous confessions. Sometimes hilarious. Sometimes sad. Often bizarre.

By the way, my cousin is a slut. Can I hear an amen?

“Learn to detach…Don’t cling to things, because everything is impermanent… But detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate fully. That’s how you are able to leave it… Take any emotion–love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I’m going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions–if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them–you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that love entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, ‘All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.'”
~ Mitch Albom

from Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man, and Life’s Greatest Lesson

Is it bad that I’m at work and I keep wanting to drink my Purell Instant Hand Sanitizer? I don’t know why but I keep thinking it’s my cup of water. Or maybe my subconscious is telling me something.

What is life when you want to quit your job but you know you can’t because you would kill yourself financially? It seems like most of the world is in that situation. We miss so much of life this way.

There’s a lot of heavy stuff going on in my life lately. When people ask me for advice, ask me to tell them what’s going to happen, I get scared sometimes. Because I feel responsible for what happens once I tell them what I see. What is family, anyway? I’m all kinds of worried today.

Weekend Recap

This weekend I passed on a trip to Vegas with my cousins. One of my cousins is getting married in Vegas, doing the shotgun Elvis thing, since they were planning on getting the certificate anyway before having the actual ceremony sometime in the future, so they figured they may as well just do something fun. Now, it seems kind of foolish that I would pass on this trip since my cousins are wild when it comes to partying, despite the fact that they’re all married. And since my dad has requested that I not go to clubs by myself, this would have been a great opportunity to hit some dance clubs with a solid, fun crew. Who like the good stuff when it comes to drinking (read: Patron!!) and usually cover the bill.

But then I figured, I spent so much money last month that I should probably take things easy this month. And I’m feeling bad about not really doing that much writing this week. But probably the biggest reason of all, is that I know that this situation has all the makings of me going nuts. The last time I hung out with my cousins resulted in some scandalous pictures and a wild night that, if my cousins have indeed failed me and let it get back to my dad, gives him good reason to think what he thinks about my lifestyle. On one hand, I could try to control myself. On the other hand, the truth is I won’t. I do not have a good prudency record when I go out of town. Especially when my cousins serve as my wingmen.

So I passed. And part of me didn’t want to. But part of me knew I should.

Sometimes I wish I could be a guy. Only because, society’s double standards when it comes to certain things are ridiculous. Completely in favor of men. And it pisses me off and frustrates the hell out of me.

So this weekend was pretty quiet. Just perfect. Went to the gym. Read. Watched basketball. Got a lot of writing done. Went to the Rose Bowl Flea Market this morning. I like to look at people’s stuff. Just trying to figure out the stories that they tell about the people they belonged to. Especially old things. You can feel the energy in belongings sometimes.

I picked up some photography prints that were great. What I liked about them, was that the photographer understood loneliness. He captured its essence. And that jived with me. If there’s one way to describe me, it would be “Loneliness Personified.” I’m drawn to lonely people because it’s the frequency of my soul vibration and what I understand. I know how to speak their language, and they welcome me because they can tell I truly understand that deep emptiness that often defies words, but that has such great meaning and purpose. That loneliness feeds my life force. It’s something I thrive on, that makes me seek the deeper meanings of things, to understand. Sometimes I feel like forcing companionship on this plane is just a Band-Aid. You never face the fact that by being compartmentalized inside a human body, you are to a degree, disconnected from the group soul, what it is that we all belong to, from which we came and to which we seek to return. And trying to merge with another person is a ritualized act in an effort to fill that existential emptiness by reconnection, though it’s the equivalent of life as experienced on a stage with actors and affected emotions versus real life. And we know it. We can’t fool ourselves, though we desperately try. It’s synthetic. It’s artificial. It’s ALMOST it. It almost scratches that persistent itch, but not quite. And we don’t know why. So we’re disappointed. But we don’t know why. And then we blame ourselves, our partners, the relationship, this human life that is so unfair. And that attitude, in itself, is unfair.

The problem is absolutely not the need for companionship and support. We all most definitely need that and it is vital to our well-being and our life purposes. But it’s when people cling to each other, expect other people to fill that void, to efface that “lack” deep within them, that things become problematic.

Can’t we accept that it’s not about yourself and other people on this plane, but about your journey? A bigger journey than all that is contained on this little planet, third from the sun? The most dangerous thing about looking for things on this plane to fill that void is that it’s so easy to become tragically complacent about our deeper search. To ignore the journey.

I’ve found myself to be quite reluctant in parting ways with loneliness. I feel like, losing my deep-seated loneliness would be like losing my dark, brooding companion who keeps me safe during the darkest hour of night, who drives me to dive into the deepest parts of people’s souls, through their pain and suffering, to bring back the knowledge that would bring them peace. It feels like losing my loneliness would in essence, be losing my life purpose. And I wouldn’t be able to live without that.

11/12 Recap — Breaking Celebrity Gossip!!

Okay, so Brian and I decided to go see Kinsey over at the Century City Mall AMC. We grab some food at the food court and we’re talking about how Peter Sarsgaard has full-frontal in this movie. Brian was excited about it and I said, “What if he has an ugly dong?” Brian said, “That would suck if it’s ugly.” I said, “Well, still, you’d rather see his than Zach Braff’s.”

So we get into the theater and I was supposed to find seats while Brian got a soda. The theater is filling up quickly so I grab these two seats at the end of the middle row next to a girl and a guy in a baseball cap. The guy looks up as I sit down and it’s…Zach Braff. With Mandy Moore.

So I sat next to Mandy and had to endure them touching and stroking each other’s hands and legs (and inner thighs). And then the making out. Oh God, the making out. Whitney…if you thought watching Garden State was hard for me, imagine THAT.

The best thing in the world was when the previews started and of course, which preview should come on but the one for Closer …starring Natalie Portman. Who, for all of you not in the loop, was rumored to be dating Zach after Garden State wrapped. Oh my God, did my evil side want to lean over and say obnoxiously to them, “Ohmigod! This much be like….SOOO awkward for you!!” But of course, it was awkward. Natalie on a stripper’s pole, seducing the camera. As Zach had his hand on Mandy’s leg and Mandy clung to him.

By the way, Kinsey…good movie. Very funny. Very provocative insights about sex and love. Right up my robot alley.

Transcript of Jon Stewart on Crossfire . Jon goes to battle. The man has amazing things to say. He’s brilliant. He’s the voice Americans need to be listening to.

Just found a very cool blog. Who Is Sweeter, where the author proposes two people and provides detailed background, and then people debate who is sweeter (or lamer).

Germans Are Cool

Dirk Nowitzki’s fingers were shut in a cab door prior to last night’s game, when he went off for 41 points and 10 boards.

Dan Dickau got the scare of a lifetime as he was the one who closed the door on Dirk’s shooting hand, prompting him to say “‘Dude, open the door. My fingers are in there.” Dickau was just activated on Thursday and is very lucky Nowitzki’s fingers are ok. It could have resulted in the shortest stay on an active roster in history.

“Dude, open the door. My fingers are in there.” That’s AWESOME.

11/11 Recap

It’s getting harder and harder to remember everyone I’ve ever met’s birthday. That used to be my Rain Man ability. But it seems like, as I progress further on this journey that is life, the people I’ve met along the way start to fade away, moving closer and closer to the dark edges of my memory until one day, they’ll fall off into oblivion and I won’t be able to remember if they ever existed at all.

What happens when we get old? And we want to remember these people who have been in our lives, either as featured players or as extras, and we just can’t? Is it like the phantom itch that terrorizes amputees? A burning itch that can’t be soothed because it’s not really there? What happens when you can’t remember all of the people you have loved over a lifetime, even though you desperately want to hold onto them, if only in the cherishing reaches of your mind? What about the ones you have loved over many lifetimes?

I feel like I’m going through life trying to remember this incredible love I once had, a long, long time ago. And I search the eyes of everyone I meet hoping to find something that will help me remember. I am so close to remembering…what it is…who it is…who I am…this knowledge is so close to reaching the clarity of light sometimes that I think I am on the brink of deciphering the language and purpose of my life, but then it dissipates just as it’s about to take form, receding back into the shadows of my mind. It’s like spending a life time on the verge of sneezing, but never actually getting enough momentum for the relief of release.

Torturous.

But could I abandon this quest, and live a happy life having never solved this great personal, private mystery? No. It would always be in the back of my mind, causing unrest in the deepest levels of my soul. So it’s what I do. I’m trying my best. And I’m meeting a lot of interesting characters along the way.

Don’t give up on me just yet. I’m still capable of some surprises.

Today’s Mood: To understand life, one must understand the ocean…

I’m about to settle down and do some writing. I went to PT today and I got to work out in the pool! They put this thing around my chest to keep me floating and tethered me to the wall and I got to jog in place. The most exercise I’ve gotten in a while. I was so happy just to be moving again that I was going full speed tearing it up, running against this leash with a big, goofy grin on my face the entire time. Asian on a leash. Like a hamster in a wheel. Or a pig on a spit. Wait no. Not that last one.

So as I was heating up peas on the stove and talking to Brian a few minutes ago, I suddenly had a flashback of another quintessential conversation between my mom and I that we had this weekend.

I can’t remember how it came up or what we were talking about but I joked that no one gets to touch me (remember, my mom firmly clings to the belief that I’m a virgin). So she says, “No Julia. One day, when you find someone who truly loves you, you have to let him touch you.” As panic sets in, I don’t want to let on that I know what she’s talking about or that this conversation is obviously going to a weird (BAD! BAD! BAD!) place so I say, “No, no one gets to touch me.” She said, “Yes Julia, when you find the right person, you will have to do what men and women do when they really love each other.”

(shoot me)

Courtesy of Nate Newman, who thinks the Lakers are going to win it all this year and who hates the Pistons. He’s trying to make me homeless when I quit my job to go chasing butterflies.

Another reason why I don’t believe in marriage…you may end up with an idiot.

Okay, not to psychoanalyze but you know I’m going to anyway, but if I were a child psychologist or school teacher and one of my kids drew this picture as a card for his/her mother, I would suspect some SERIOUS psychological/emotional dysfunction going on at home. Courtesy of http://www.foundmagazine.com/

How long before we hit the Dark Ages again?

Halloween Pictures Now In!

special thanks to Brian and Amber. I went camera-less this year, as my camera is still filled with sand… :(

Drag Race Contestants (The Drag Races are an LA tradition on the afternoon of Halloween. Drag queens in minimum 2-inch heels racing down the street. Absolutely. FABULOUS.)

I’m Asian. There were drag queens racing. OF COURSE I brought my video camera… (and yes, that is a helmet I’m holding. Amber and I were wearing helmets. We wanted Brian to show up at the Drag Races the way a rich Texan would show up in Vegas. Except rather than having a hot girl on each arm, he had a couple of retards. Well…it was funny when we drunkenly thought of it the night before…)