Echo

Just like everything we see here on earth is consistent and stable, it’s actually so many things in motion, molecules in different planets on a giant rock hurtling through space. But in order to function at this level, we have to see it as one continuous tangible reality. As people we are the same. We’re a billion different people from one day to the next, and those same possibilities are inside each person. We are not consistent. We are not one person. Even if you have to keep a tangible personality together for someone who needs to look at a more fixed object, you’re still just disguising a being in constant motion.

I was looking up things that happened on my birthday, maybe to shed some clues about my entrance into this world.

I found this report. “It was an unprecedented year; it took 11 years to almost equal the quality and amount of reports recorded for 1978.”

And on the day I came to lay in a hospital in Texas:

Location. Williamson West Virginia
Date: June 14 1978
Time: 2235
Two young men were fishing at a local creek when a strange craft appeared overhead at power line height. It was silvery gold in color and appeared to have a door on the bottom and some type of structure on top. Two beams of light were focused on them and they could see flashing red, green, and blue lights. They suddenly felt paralyzed and could not move. They became confused and lost all track of time and heard some strange whispering. They later became aware of their surroundings as they got home. One of the witnesses remembered sitting on a chair inside an object with a very tall dark being looking down on him. There was also a terrible smell present. Other witnesses in the area had seen an object overhead and others heard a roaring sound.

This retrograde is bending reality a little. Lots of strange and unusual perceptions.

There was a guy who suddenly started yelling from the back of the plane. It sounded like a Native American yipping. I catapulted out of sleep and found the guy next to me staring at me wide-eyed. For a split second, I was terrified it had been me yelling in my sleep. He said, “What was that?” And I felt relieved, saying, “I’m glad you heard it, too.” The guy in the aisle seat next to me had been woken up as well and said, “That’s the last thing you want to hear on a plane.”

But what was it? We’d turned around and looked towards the back, but nothing looked unusual; even the flight attendants were hidden away somewhere. Just this sound that seemed out of place, that came out of nowhere.

it goes black black black black and blacker.

unmarked helicopters hovering…

the lord is coming soon.

i said i was a lightning rod.

you thought it was a weather balloon.

Alex O’Loughlin has a new movie with Jennifer Lopez. Just remember, he was in my dreams long before he was in any of yours.

Side note–as I went to grab that post to link it to this one and I reread it. I think it’s interesting how much dreams and reality tie together. It’s complete yin and yang.

My necklace has a strange property. If you put it in your mouth it’s cool, but when you hold it in your hands it’s hot.

Tough week. Tough week. Strong mind, strong body. You can always tell how hard I’m working when my body has that amount of energy to outlet. It was good for discipline. I’m sorry to the people I made sad.

I don’t want to kick puppies. Even if they’re completely obnoxious. I have a change of heart.

Michael and I spent a lot of time sleeping in the same room, sometimes the same bed while growing up. You can say anything to him in the middle of the night, and he’ll respond. So is he really asleep? Or is his body down, but his attention right there? I need 8 1/2 hours. That’s just how long it takes my spirit to commute from where it goes.

If I had a super ability it would be to repair souls with my mind and hands. My technical sub-skill would be teleportation. Alfred, I need that knowledge.

Why only 2 readers? Because Gemini needs two of everything. Except one thing.

I don’t want to live in LA, I just want access to it. I want to be able to go spend time in Venice whenever I need to. Worship at the Hollywood Bowl. See my temple at night.

June 2nd. It’s an 11 Wednesday. Why not? I’ll be in LA.

I was thinking a lot about Hawaii today.

It started pouring as soon as I was inside the airport. You know what I need to do? Be in the bay area without my family knowing and just feel it out the way I would feel out any other city I’m in.

I’m going to be in Taiwan in May and in August. I always think it’s funny how travel is just this thing that happens in my life.

I am even stronger than I want you to know. But my strength requires distance.

What I have never understood is how I in spirit, can be so strong, but everything of this world has the ability to collapse it. Physical injury, emotional pain, the effects of this plane are crippling. We are angels, banished to a world in which we are aware of what we are, but stripped of our ability to protect ourselves.

One thing people don’t often think about with relationships is how both parties have to have compatible issues.

To you who believe in me, thank you for your energy this week. It propelled me through.

The point of this trip was to get me to imagine something. Imagine my future where everything could fit. And the only thing I could determine was where I wanted to sleep. I guess that’s just like me though. Home comes first and foremost. And then I can go out and be that tugboat who helps lost ships through fog.

“I have enough resources now to disappear if I wanted to,” I told her.

“Don’t say things like that.”

“It’s true. Most people who meet me in life, who experience a deep connection, never know how to find me. They don’t know how to see me again. But I’m here. Me agreeing to show up consistently and dedicate my energy to you is me meeting you half way. Now you show me, you have your hand on a powerful weapon. What are you going to do with it?”

Being an adult means having the balls to have difficult conversations.
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This sign says, “See more light than tunnel. Chase what matters.”
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Don’t let your appetite leave a trail of ruin.
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Cath . . .
She stands with a well intentioned man
But she can’t relax with his hands on the small of her back
As the flashbulbs burst she holds a smile
Like someone would hold a crying child

Soon everybody will ask what became of you
Your heart was dying fast and you didn’t know what to do

Cath . . .
It seems that you live in someone else’s dream
In a hand-me-down wedding dress
With the things that could have been are repressed
But you said your vows and you closed the door
On so many men who would have loved you more

Soon everybody will ask what became of you
Your heart was dying fast and you didn’t know what to do
The whispers that it won’t last roll up and down the pews
And if our hearts were dying that fast, they would have done the same as you
I’d have done the same as you

–Death Cab

It’s true…you can’t know the future, but sometimes you can perceive it.

Don’t ever say I don’t have direction. I approach my future like a heat-seeking missile.

Curtis was telling me about how after he had met me at the gym, he had tried to look me up in the gym’s system to figure out my name and who I was, going through the time frame I was there and pulling up every female Asian account but he couldn’t find me (it’s because I use a guest pass so I’m not in the system). He figured that someone he knew must be connected to me on Facebook and he had looked through Facebook but couldn’t find me there either. I was this big mystery woman and he had no idea how to find me. Then the next day, I added him as a friend on Facebook. I told him about how I had searched through Michael’s trainer’s friends to find him, and then had to contemplate if he was going to think it was weird that I’d looked him up. I figured the fact he seemed to orbit around me but be hesitant about getting closer meant he was probably attached, and I had prepared myself mentally that I wasn’t hitting on him, just interested in being friends.

I told him how I had tried to figure out his schedule, and the only time he seemed to be around was Saturday nights, so I would show up then hoping to run into him. He laughed about how it was a good thing I was better at finding him because he was failing at finding me. I remember a day when I’d come in late and he was standing at the front desk. I went to the basketball courts and within a minute he came in, beelining straight to the the far court where I was and started rebounding for me without saying a word. I told him how he came through the door, seeming to ignore everything and everyone else and came straight at me with this walk of determination, like a mouse who knew the direct path in the maze to the cheese. I remember watching him come straight at me and being simultaneously astounded and flattered, and realizing that in a way I expected this–I would have been disappointed if he hadn’t followed right after me, though I would have never admitted it to myself if he hadn’t. We played HORSE, and throughout the game, he would approach and retreat, and every time he got too close to me, he would blush.

Told Rie about my monster cardio day–an hour on the bike, 22 minutes on elliptical, 4 miles on treadmill mostly running between 6.5-7.0 mph.

She said:

“So, uh…you still haven’t uh…outletted that…um…energy…”
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Settling down has always felt like settling. The problem is that I don’t think it, I feel it which makes it harder to untangle. It’s tied to my system which ensures my physical, psychological and emotional survival. What if there was a way to create an unorthodox kind of stability in a way that didn’t trigger these feelings? The next two years I’m supposed to be working on undoing instinctual patterns of survival from birth or before that no longer serve me. Which explains why all roads have led back to Fremont, the source of my deepest conflicts.

There tend to be 3 arenas where I feel stress–home, work, relationship. If I don’t stay vigilant in my consciousness of the exact sources of my stress, I tend to want to disentangle myself from everything to ensure I unshackle myself from what’s drowning me. That means when life stress becomes amorphous and overwhelming enough, I tend to look suspiciously at all 3 arenas and have trouble distinguishing them from each other. Sometimes I break from the wrong one, or 2 or all, whether or not there was something wrong with the others.

This next stage is daunting. It’s hard enough to start a new job, move to a new city, start a new relationship. If I start all 3 simultaneously, it will either be my greatest challenge that will make me grow beyond my imagination, or this is an inner world self destruct. Am I being realistic here about what I can handle and still be able to look at myself and my life and like what I see? Is this a manifestation of a subconscious desire to self-destruct?
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Chinese people are always hungry. It’s just in our genes.