Echo

today’s realization:

there’s great value in stealth.

No man, woman or child can tell me they have balls until they’ve watched this video and can say, “Eh. That was nothing.”

never ask an owl for shit!

I have friends I haven’t seen in a long time coming over tonight. They’re going to know that I’ve changed. So I’m just cleaning up, preparing for them, going through old things.

I really need to get my photos organized, especially considering photos, memories, are my most treasured possessions.

Okay, sometimes it’s not really about what actually happened. It’s how you remember things and people that make you stronger.

I’m still irritated at the career sector, but it’s still that intense, simmering stew. I think disappointed is a better word. I still refuse to work for anyone else unless I respect the person. I found my notes for a sales meeting, a sales meeting that dragged on with disorganized bullshit, so I never even got to go over my notes. I look at it and am at first, surprised to find that I actually sound intelligent. Sometimes I feel like I ramble in the most unintelligible ways. But then I think how silly I was to have been so passionate about helping to build a fort when the people around me really didn’t want my help. I guess in those terms, I’m in the process of getting over that.

So that opens up this entire universe of…what now? I’ve recollected all my energies so they’re mine again, and now I want to really take this decision seriously of where I want to put my passions. Will I be happy with the compromise of scattering them in different directions, each one drawing interest from me but nothing that blows my mind and makes me melt inside. Or do I find that one thing, be it a path, idea or person, and devote all of myself to it. One is moderate risk with semi-fulfilling reward (like sex with short-lived foreplay) and the other is like deciding to jump into a well where you just may find something that’s more incredible than the human orgasm, more fulfilling than anything you’ve ever known.

Tell me, is the well half empty, or half full?

I’ve been walking around with a big smile on my face almost constantly. I just…feel good a lot. Yet at the same time, I’m becoming slightly negligent of people. My mind is so focused on making sense of some abstract puzzle that I’m perceiving, that I don’t quite make any efforts socially. My phone always breaks down when I get this way and I lose everyone’s numbers. Even if I want to call them, I would have to make a concerted effort to get their number and I always procrastinate about that. Maybe that’s my way of letting people go for a while to see who’s still around when I come back. There are some people who will love you even when you’re gone. Maybe subconsciously I’m trying to tell myself that now is the time when I focus on my life alone. Maybe this place I’m in right now is like those sunsets in the park behind the house I grew up in, when the sky turns that perfect shade of watermelon and as you’re looking up, all you can smell is the wind through the grass. In that moment, you feel everything is infinite and everything is possible.

So then. What’s next?

just got back into town. tell me…has LA gone nuts over the Flobots yet?

i’m fucking screaming right now. are you hearing.

everything. how it comes together from one fixed point in the universe.

ecdysis is cool.

Things I need to study:

-ley lines
-glastonbury

Add to reading list:

-Freakonomics

Lauren and Aubrey wanted to know what I did with the missed connection.

I told them what I wrote back, and they laughed. I don’t have time for bullshit and I don’t fuck around. But basically, the idea (between us, not what I said to him) is that he won’t be coming into my world because to him, he’s chasing a ghost, an idea that doesn’t exist. But his friend has an opportunity, if he believes in magic.

I told Lauren, if there’s more to be said, he and I will run into each other again.

How do you know that, she asked.

We just will, I said. Because that’s the way these things work.

4/20

For the record, I want everyone to know I was completely sober on 4/20.

Though.

I was sitting in my car in our driveway in Fremont, chatting with my mom. It was a beautiful, sunny Sunday afternoon when all of a sudden, I hear a gobble-gobble-gobble from outside.

WTF, I say, looking around.

Oh yeah, my mom says. We have wild turkeys in the hills.

I’m sorry, what? Since when?

So I say, I’m gonna chase it!

So I get out of the car, and sure enough, there is a massive turkey wandering around at the end of our driveway. I chase it a bit so I can get a picture.

I know we’ve always had deer and once, I was late for school because a cow was blocking our driveway.

But turkeys. This is new.

I’m in Fremont now, after spending the weekend in San Francisco with good friends for Candice’s 30th birthday. It was a great weekend, though I got sunburnt on my face for the first time in years. I guess it takes a major event to get me out into the sun for long periods of time.

I drove up from Big Sur on Thursday, stopping at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk to take pictures, including some of the Merry-Go-Round which I had written a thing about a few years ago. I was surprised but happy to see that it’s still there.

I picked up Michael from work and he was so happy to see me. We hung out and went to the gym, and I played basketball against my dad, beating him for the first time.

I headed up to San Francisco on Saturday where Aubrey had planned a picnic under the Golden Gate Bridge with a hell of a lot of oysters. Saw the whole SF gang and Simar told me he’s got an extra room he’s trying to rent out. It would only be about the cost of 3 nights in a hotel, so I’m thinking about it, about being able to keep a room in SF at least for a few months that I can hide out at when the whim hits. It would allow me to get a feel for SF too, since I like the idea of moving up there but I’m not ready to make the commitment and give up my place in LA.

I had a great conversation with Aubrey’s mom who remembers me as a 5th grader, and I told her that I can see where Aubrey gets his spirit from. They’re like kindred souls. We talked about life, old souls and following your spiritual path. I told her about the things that have been happening and she told me to keep doing it, keep having faith. You’re on the right path, she says. It was a beautiful day by the water.

We headed back and us girls got mani/pedi’s and then dressed to go out. I wore a dark green and black dress that reminded me a little of something in Sex and the City, but I looked pretty damn good. I hung out in the back tables of the bar rather than dancing though because I was a little feverish from my sunburn and my 1 1/2 martinis. Guys came by to chat and I was friendly, but I was secretly fading and running on reserve energy. Later, as we were driving home, Candice turned to me and said, “Julia, you could have had any guy in that bar.” I laughed. It was a sweet thing to say. “I didn’t see anyone I was interested in,” I said. I suspect I’m only interested in one person, whoever he is. I haven’t decided yet.

Back at their place, Lauren was reunited with the bong that ushered her through college. We all sat around and went through old photos and memories. It’s amazing, those beautiful, hysterical, wondrous moments that make up collective histories. I think memory is one of the most important things for a person to take care of.

Lauren said, “Brian told me someone wrote a missed connection looking for you.” Yeah, I said. Some dude who had a hot friend I was down with. I showed it to her and we laughed over it and gave it to Aubrey to give us a male perspective. Mostly, we were wtf-ing about the “baggage” part of the post. “How did you know this was out there?” asked Lauren. “I had a feeling,” I said. “So I went to the site, typed in ‘Morcheeba’ and it was the only one with that word.” Lauren stares at me the way she always does because she thinks I’m magic, but the funny thing is, since she believes it, she inspires me. “You’re always clairvoyant like that,” she says. “You always have these experiences that people always wish would happen to them, except you make a life out of it.” I laugh. “But you totally said this guy must be my soulmate. But he’s just some sleazy tool cutting in on his friend.”

But I really do hope that I’m proving a point here. Sometimes I wonder, sometimes I worry because my life seems so odd and different from other people, less road maps, less people I can go to who can really give me strong advice. But a part of me hopes that I’m proving to people that as crazy as it sounds and feels, sometimes if you believe in a greater conscious wisdom and you let it show you what it wants to show you by having faith, keeping your eyes open and following the signs, you will find proof that magic exists.

On the not so positive side was this phone call I got while I was camping. A guy I had one of my positive connections with last year left a message saying he went somewhere and wanted to talk to me. We played phone tag and then he left a message asking if I was Osiris. I know I’m not Osiris, though he came close to where I’m exploring. So I called him back and got him. I asked him where he’d been that he wanted to tell me about. He said, “Well, there’s Saturn, Jupiter, Pluto, Planet X, you know because you can travel, too.” “No, I can only travel inside other people a little, but not what you’re talking about.”

He gets a little frustrated. “You really limit yourself. You’re like me, you’re of the universe. You’re a queen and you need to take your place. I think it’s time we joined forces.”

Strangely, this is the second such conversation I’ve had in as many weeks.

“What would this entail,” I ask him, wondering if he’s legitimate, or if this is the trap of an unbalanced mind.

“Julia, I’ve been longing for you. I’ve been following you from afar, watching you.”

“How are you watching me,” I ask him.

“With binoculars, with a telescope,” he said. “I look into the sky and I can see you, feel you.”

Oh crap. This makes me nervous, whether he is physically stalking me or worse, can actually psychically find me.

“Why did you decide to call me now?” We haven’t spoken since that night, which was over half a year ago.

“Because I could feel it was time, that you were in a place where you were ready. I’ll give you whatever you want. I’ll give you the freedom you need. You do your own thing. You’ve always done your own thing. I’ll give you that and more.”

I think.

“I think that’s what I want most. I want freedom to do what I need to do and not be tied down to anyone.”

He gets mad.

“You want to be with those soulsuckers, don’t you? Those guys who don’t know who they are or what they’re doing? I’m telling you I can take you to places you’ve never been, around the universe. I’m the sun, no one can go as fast as me except you did. So you’re different and I’m trying to tell you that it’s safe now for us to be together, there’s an army now to protect us, but if you want to be with suckers, then fine. I’ll leave you alone. I’ve found you now but if you don’t want it I’ll leave you alone and find you another century. Because time is nothing. I’ve got time. I’ll find you again. You lock yourself in a bathroom and I’ll dig you out. I know where you are.”

Seriously, I’m freaked out and don’t know where this is coming from, and don’t know where this is going. So I’m silent.

“Obviously I thought you would be happy to hear all this but you’re scared so I’m just going to go. But I love you and if you want to be with me, you need to tell me now.”

I’m still silent. I can’t even process this, I want to fight or fly.

“4…3…2…1…”

Still, I say nothing.

“Goodbye, Julia.”

And he’s gone.

I hang up my phone and sit in my living room staring out at the night sky.

I think something went wrong.

********

I saw he called the next day, but I was heading to San Francisco so I didn’t want to listen to the message. But then the weirdest thing happened. My phone died. Just completely died.

When I got back today, I went to the cellphone store and they said I would either need to replace the battery or the phone. I thought about it, it’s a phone that I’ve always hated, a phone that seems to always fail me when I need it, a phone that incidentally, my ex gave me. So I decided to pay the $200 to get out of my contract and got a cheap
whatever phone from another provider. I’m happy about that. I did check my messages before I switched though.

The guy left a message just saying that it looks like I made some delicious food. He had no idea I could prepare such amazing food.

I didn’t cook the day he left the message, though the night before, my father had taken us out to a nice dinner and we’d had this crazy feast of sushi in those big wooden boats. Truthfully, I think he’s just hallucinating or going through something intense and is trying to draw me into it.

I think this is the universe telling me that now is the time that I learn how to set the right boundaries.

Aubrey gave interesting advice. He said, you obviously have a gift in being able to find people’s secret pains and giving them a way to acknowledge it and heal. But maybe your next step is learning how to protect yourself when you work, either not engaging with people who are more likely to attach to you than solve their own problems with the tools and wisdom you gave them, or figure out ways to protect yourself, like charge up magic words that unconsciously focus them away from you or by putting these ideas or words into the flow, they give you protection from people who want the wrong thing.

It’s funny…I had been reading about how to charge up symbols a few months ago and feel like I’ve on and off been able to charge words throughout life but I don’t know how to control it or do it at will. He said it’s maybe a skill that I need to work on right now to get to the next level. He told me to talk to Simar who had done some reading on it. And incidentally, Simar needs a roommate right now.

We’ll see. We’ll see.

For now, I need all imbalance and mental illness to not try to get involvement from me.

thank you, sia

now listening to: bonobo – dial ‘m’ for monkey
now reading: walden

Walden! WALDEN! I would have never guessed that Walden was the book that at this time in my life, would make me so happy, that would reaffirm my faith. I really think this is why. I read it when I was very young, before experiencing sex. I think when you read it after having gotten some intimate human life experience in, once you have seen people up close and realized you’re not like everyone else, when you read it, you appreciate how he sees things, and how he calls people out. I think it’s time we start pushing the people who are powerful positive reality projectors to wake up and come out of hiding.

Before I get into my ruminations and digressions, I’ll give you a physical update.

Drove up the 1 along the coast. It was sublime. Saw a lighthouse at the end of a cliff. Felt like it was my sister and I almost pulled a 180 on the freeway because I was so compelled by it. Love that on a Monday afternoon, this road is only for the privileged few who are free.

I love long drives. The way the swell and fall of the hills and landscapes make me feel like I’m following the curves of an expansive, all-powerful woman in repose, the way the handling of a car around tight cliffside turns reminds me that life is precarious, but with the right combination of fearlessness and zen, you ultimately control your progress. It’s an aesthetic rejuvenation, a journey of appreciation, a path towards realizing how small you are in the face of the great expanses of nature, yet realizing that you are infinite.

I checked in and the girl in the office with too much make-up commented, wow, you’re staying in a cabin by yourself. I sigh inside. C’mon sister, we don’t blow each other’s covers like that. So I have to go with my backup story, that I’m meeting someone. What’s his name, she asks. I’ll create a car tag so he can park. I mean, he’s not being dropped off or anything is he?

Christ. Okay, we’ll play this through. I give her the name of my shadow character, the faceless character my protagonist chases in my book, whose name came to me in a dream. His name… 11 + 11 > 22. Somehow, when I dreamt his name, I had been gifted a name in which the numerology of the letters added up exactly the way they needed to. Sometimes the universe wants you to know it’s there.

So I was amused that this was the first time I’ve gotten someone else to write his name. I do hope he will be meeting me at my cabin. But I will have to get that car tag back.

Night falls and I’m sitting on the deck of a cabin, nestled in a redwood grove with the ocean separated by just a cliff. I’m sitting close to a fire I’ve built myself, and am listening to the wind through the trees as the fire lives its own brief and frenetic life below me. It feels like it has so much to say.

I’ve noticed:

When I am me, people tend to stare. It doesn’t make me uncomfortable, just wary and more focused. I made only one stop on the drive, at a general store to pick up bottled water. Conversation stopped when I walked in and a happy guy in a fishing hat stepped right in front of me and introduced himself. A very friendly but impulsive sort. I chatted as I kept moving, striding towards the cold display. I heard whispering and I turned to see three Hispanic guys huddled together and giggling. When they saw me looking, they abruptly stopped and smiled. I nodded but didn’t smile. Sometimes you have to be careful when it’s a group of guys aware of you, though 3 is less problematic than 2.

I grabbed some water, but as I got in line, the guy who had first introduced himself moved to the back of the line and asked me questions about what I was doing and where I was from. I answered politely, though guardedly, and then became fixated over what canned goods they had on their shelves. He turned to the cashier and started talking about me, about how great it is for people from Los Angeles to come through and how nice they are, and I just kept myself occupied until he left.

I paid for my bottles of water and saw one of the Hispanic guys on the lookout in the doorway and as I came around the corner, he turned his head like he wasn’t watching. I walked by him and in the corner of my eye, he looked like he was going to say something, but I kept going and he didn’t have the guts. I got in my car and immediately started up the engine, made it look like if they didn’t leave I was going to. So as they pulled out, the two guys on the passenger side were pressed against the windows staring but I busied myself cleaning up wrappers in my car. I wish I had brought a hat.

So finally, I get to be me, by myself, communion with the fire that I had given life to. The half moon hanging above the tall redwoods, the loves of my childhood. Nearby, a creek babbles to itself and anyone who will listen. And everything, feels infinite.

I thought about so many things. I thought about people. I thought about how people tend to come in and out of my life, but how reconnections with positive people always feel like no time has passed, though the faces slightly change. I thought about the people I currently have in my life, and took the time to think about each person individually, exploring what is uniquely beautiful about them and really appreciating and loving them, feeling thankful that they have come into my life.

I find it wondrous that somewhere over the last few months, I fell in love with someone, despite not knowing yet with whom. It’s like a part of me has been psychically sending out secret admirer letters and has fallen hard, but I can’t see who the recipient is. It could be anyone in my life (or maybe not physically here yet!) and maybe that person knows, but no one seems to want to tell me or step forward. So I’ll just go with it. I like mysteries.

After a while, it got cold so I went inside and started up the little gas fireplace. It’s really not the same as a wood-burning fire, but I’ll go with it. I sat in a lounge chair and did some writing. I know where I’m stuck with this book. It’s about how I’ll need to write this so that people will understand and believe in magic. Because it happens all the time if you want it to, if you allow it to.

I had started posting about the Morcheeba concert I went to on Sunday night but I ended up getting too sleepy. But I’ll tell you about it now. It was beautiful. It was amazing. It was like liquid foreplay that engages your heart as well as your passions. There is something so soulful, so fun and frisky, yet so far-reaching to hear them live. I’d been feeling so bad the night before, having a surplus of dark energy and suddenly, as soon as the lights on the stage turned a rich navy and the music began, it all seeped out of me like an energy offering through a spiritual portal that had suddenly opened. And I felt so good, so free and again, like I was on the right track and the universe has something unique for me if I’m brave enough to follow. I was feeling so good and people were looking at me and sharing smiles.

I didn’t know the Fonda theater has a rooftop deck! It was amazing, an amazing night to hang out on a roof and watch people. It was so easy to see people, to see people cowering with their insecurities and anxieties, to see people who were predatorial, to see people who were downright bored. I saw a guy walk by with a girl following. She walked with a demeanor of a servant being led by an invisible leash. I didn’t like that, but I think some woman allow it to happen by not believing they are so much bigger and more powerful than what a man tells her. Then I saw the most beautiful man I’ve seen since childhood, his features so fine and delicate like a lily about to bloom. I was looking at him and appreciating his potential, what he was on the verge of, when I saw the girl he was with mad-dogging me. Her shoulders were a little sloped and she was hugging herself anxiously as she talked. Small
person energy. I had to be careful because she looked like she was just daring for me to start trouble so I looked away and busied myself listening to this aggressive drunk girl who’d had a timid, agreeable guy cornered between a wall and a potted plant, rhetorically wondering what her psychological issues were that made her so complex. Oh man, if he had a machine to transport himself away from her. I was giggling, it was so funny. I looked back over at the beautiful boy and the girl was still staring at me. I looked the other way and it was a group of guys who kept inching closer and closer to me, all the guys laughing and joking but sneaking glances at me. It felt too complicated so I went back downstairs.

I was enjoying the show, smiling to myself when I saw the sexiest man walk in. He was free, like me, like what I want to be. From his eyes, the way he dressed, the way he spoke, the way he moved, he was magnetic and freely emanating his energy. He was with a girl and I didn’t want to be rude and mad-dogged again so I figured I would let him come to me if he wanted to. So I decided to create a little energy storm.

I pulled out my phone and started stream of consciousnessing on the memo pad. I wrote about connections, how sometimes between two people, you don’t just decide you like someone. Often, people can find each other attractive or interesting, but when there’s an actual connection, something intangible that makes two people stand out to each other, then it’s something you can either ignore or pursue. I was going to pull him in if this was indeed a connection.

As I was typing this, I would look up occasionally and catch him looking at me. We smiled at each other once, but I would look away quickly. Again, I was feeling shy and I didn’t want to be disrespectful to the girl he was with. Suddenly, he turns and grabs the girl by the shoulders and says , “Are you a lesbian now since the last time I saw you?”

I started laughing. I knew he’d said it so I would know that he’s not with her. I looked up and saw him looking at me, laughing as well though she was responding to him, and I looked down again, typing on my phone. When I looked back, he was looking confused, and I knew it was because he was wondering if I had caught what he’d said and responded, or if I was just coincidentally amused by text messages.

I decided to challenge him a little. So I waited until he’d turned his head, and I slipped through the crowd, disappearing.

I’d forgotten about him when suddenly, he appeared next to me, surprising me. His skin was so soft.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to surprise you,” he said. “But I just have to know. What were you laughing at back there?”

You’re so sexy it’s almost unfair, I thought.

But I told him I couldn’t believe he’d outed his friend like that.

He started laughing and we chatted. He said he had to get back to his friends so he wouldn’t seem rude but that I should stop by later. I said sure, but I knew I wouldn’t. I’m passive. I let life unfold and only open my doors for those who come find me and show that they really want to connect.

Well, oddly enough, I had an inkling and just checked and someone has posted a Missed Connection on Craig’s List looking for me.

I think it’s the guy’s friend. Should I respond? Or should I let someone else tell him about me?

The rest of the show was great, though there was a weird little drama with this guy with a beard who kept staring and when I didn’t talk to him, he would storm off but then show up again and stand very close to me. I wasn’t really sure what that was about, maybe he wanted me to initiate the conversation but again, I don’t do that right now. There was another guy who came by, and my body turned cold and staticky, pins and needles like your muscles fell asleep but very icy. It persisted so I had to move to the other side of the room.

They didn’t play my favorite song, What New York Couple’s Fight About, which you can find on my little music player on this blog, though you’ll have to jump a little because it’s set on random.

Once a label is on something
It becomes an It.
Like it’s no longer alive.

(that’s for a gemini friend of mine….hopefully he can let go of his categorizations and let the people and life show him who they really are, maybe even providing surprises rather than what he expects)

It was a great night and everything was in its right place again.

So back to Walden. Ol’ Henry’s a badass and drops knowledge on people, knowledge that many people today still don’t get. He says, “We might try our lives by a thousand simple tests; as, for instance, that the same sun that ripens my beans illumines at once a system of earths like ours. If I had remembered this it would have prevented some mistakes. This was not the light in which I hoed them. The stars are the apexes of what wonderful triangles! What distant and different beings in the various mansions of the universe are contemplating the same one at the same moment! Nature and human life are as various as our several constitutions. Who shall say what prospect life offers to another? Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant? We should live in all the ages of the world in an hour, ay, in all the worlds of the ages.”

He says there are basic things that people need–Food, Shelter, Clothing and Fuel. Once you have these things to survive, instead of going after superfluous amounts of these things, you should adventure on life because your vacation from humbler toils have commenced. Too many people become slaves to life as though paying a penance, as though you all feel that to stay in the grind will guarantee your survival.

I think I got to that point. I worked hard, was unhappy but motivated and diligent, and I made money. So much money that surprised both me and my employers but I did bleed to bring it in. And now…why not now? Why not go and find my purpose, find what the universe really wants me to tell people? Suddenly, things started happening, and crises were presented. Stay in safe situations, comfortable situations, or take a leap of faith and follow the signs. And so far, I’ve been happier than I’ve ever been, freer than I ever thought possible.

Which brings me to my last thought.

A couple of days ago, a friend noted that I had a basic conflict. I am obviously compelled to write and put myself out there, yet I’m an intensely private person. I did not articulate well why I am actually a very open but private person and these two did not contradict, when I read this passage in Walden that helped me formulate my thoughts on this subject:

“In any weather, at any hour of the day or night, I have been anxious to improve the nick of time, and notch it on my stick too; to stand on the meeting of two eternities, the past and future, which is precisely the present moment; to toe that line. You will pardon some obscurities, for there are more secrets in my trade than in most men’s, and yet not voluntarily kept, but inseparable from its very nature. I would gladly tell all that I know about it, and never paint ‘No Admittance’ on my gate.”

Again, I am bound by honesty and integrity and a deep, burning desire to communicate and illuminate. Any discoveries that I have made, I will tell you if you prove yourself trustworthy, open-minded and willing to understand. You just have to ask me the right questions and I will tell you everything. I never withhold information, though I will guard some things just to see how much someone really wants to know something. Sometimes you have to ask a few times and in the right way.

However, I am also wary of people becoming too attached to me, the messenger and point of perspective. Because I want to be gentle and reliable in all obligations, I hat
e the thought of disappointing people or when they want more from me than I can give. And I can’t get distracted from my function, my purpose, my journey. When people become attached to me, I lose my freedom to go out, follow the signs and make the random connections which build a bridge of knowledge to the grail I am trying to retrieve. Eventually, I will have to retain my freedom, be it politely or forcefully. I don’t like to hurt people, so I try to keep my life and myself private and autonomous because it’s the way I am happiest and free.

If you want to know what I’m saying, what I’m feeling, what I’ve tasted, what I’ve touched, I will share all of this with you. No one has ever accused me of not being generous or being unwilling to share my mind and my explorations. But my body, the commitment of my self, I am wary of because I can’t let myself be trapped in a way that takes me away from my journey. Thus, Julia the ffuhb is private and shared with a very select few. But her mind and her connection to the universe is always open to those who are also seeking, to those who would like to wake up from their day to day lives and see what else is out there, to those looking for proof of magic.

last night was like getting dropped off a cliff emotionally into dark, swirling waters filled with memories and bad feelings. i haven’t experienced anything like that in probably years. it made me physically weak and psychically lose sight of projected futures, feeling as though all the tools i’ve amassed and thoughts that give me strength were slowly being erased from my memory.

i went to the gym to play basketball and i felt heavy. i even weighed myself to see if it was physical but the scale did not give me any answers. we played a team that had negative energy and it seemed to make everyone on our side frazzled, playing out of our element. i saw b and mike dig deep and pull out heart and fire to keep our team close. they were captivating today. in the end, i felt like i had failed them. i just felt so heavy and i couldn’t shake it, couldn’t take it off so it was messing with my timing. it’s like how i said last night, sometimes you can be two things simultaneously–tired and happy, then exhausted and happy, then nothing at all. it felt like that’s what happened last night. and then i vanished from myself, leaving the me that was left in a panic.

where did she go?

i went out to lunch with the guys. they’re good people and i appreciate them. but got home, and you know…home is not the most positive place right now. so i’d decided last night that i’m going to isolate myself somewhere and force myself to write, so the first thing i did was look up hotels in portland and seattle…i want someplace that’s raining…but none of the hotels looked inspiring. then i decided on big sur.

aubrey had wanted to plan a group creative retreat at big sur because there’s both an ocean and a forest which creates a kind of natural balance to coax out creativity. since he got engaged, that idea has fallen to the wayside. but why not still go? it sounded amazing.

so i booked a cabin and will be leaving for it tomorrow. i have only one objective, which is to get the novel squared away. and to get away from things so that when i come back, i will have fresh eyes.

because you go into the woods a boy, and you come out a ma- wait. that’s not what i’m trying to say here. but i think this is another test and i’m ready to kick ass on this one.

and as she began to silently cry into her hands, on the other side of the world, came a sudden torrential downpour.

secrets kill. maybe not you. maybe somebody else.

i can’t let go of it. as long as a part of me really wonders if certain aspects of life and relationships became unattainable to me because of events 7 years ago, gone before i even realized the long-term magnitude in the moment, i can’t let go of the anger. all it takes is for someone’s offhand or intentional comment to reopen that door and there it all is, refusing to be ignored. that anger seems to mark everything. say the wrong thing and suddenly i can’t tell if you’re a friend or enemy. and the problem is, i know some people do it intentionally and it makes me less tolerant of when people do it unwittingly.

maybe that is my ultimate wish. for people to be kind, but leave me alone. because it’s tiresome to always have this shit pop up and have to put it away by myself, because really, there are certain things that a person can only deal with by themselves. and i get so mad at myself in times when i become optimistic, when i think, no–parts of my life did not end years ago, only to find out, what is available to others may never be available to me. i don’t care if other people are happy in those ways. good for them because everyone deserves having something like that if they can get it. but i’ll just do other things that will make me happy. but i just don’t want this shit rubbed in my face anymore. i know people don’t mean harm, that they don’t realize. and i probably won’t tell them because i’m getting to the point where i never want to talk about it again, even if it means living to a certain degree in emotional isolation. but really, i don’t want to go back to that place anymore.

don’t ask questions that you really don’t want to hear the answers to.

i’m such a masochist, i just can’t help myself sometimes, chasing that dragon.

but i fucking hate myself for it when i do.

hot wax is so hot.