I’m in Fremont now, after spending the weekend in San Francisco with good friends for Candice’s 30th birthday. It was a great weekend, though I got sunburnt on my face for the first time in years. I guess it takes a major event to get me out into the sun for long periods of time.
I drove up from Big Sur on Thursday, stopping at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk to take pictures, including some of the Merry-Go-Round which I had written a thing about a few years ago. I was surprised but happy to see that it’s still there.
I picked up Michael from work and he was so happy to see me. We hung out and went to the gym, and I played basketball against my dad, beating him for the first time.
I headed up to San Francisco on Saturday where Aubrey had planned a picnic under the Golden Gate Bridge with a hell of a lot of oysters. Saw the whole SF gang and Simar told me he’s got an extra room he’s trying to rent out. It would only be about the cost of 3 nights in a hotel, so I’m thinking about it, about being able to keep a room in SF at least for a few months that I can hide out at when the whim hits. It would allow me to get a feel for SF too, since I like the idea of moving up there but I’m not ready to make the commitment and give up my place in LA.
I had a great conversation with Aubrey’s mom who remembers me as a 5th grader, and I told her that I can see where Aubrey gets his spirit from. They’re like kindred souls. We talked about life, old souls and following your spiritual path. I told her about the things that have been happening and she told me to keep doing it, keep having faith. You’re on the right path, she says. It was a beautiful day by the water.
We headed back and us girls got mani/pedi’s and then dressed to go out. I wore a dark green and black dress that reminded me a little of something in Sex and the City, but I looked pretty damn good. I hung out in the back tables of the bar rather than dancing though because I was a little feverish from my sunburn and my 1 1/2 martinis. Guys came by to chat and I was friendly, but I was secretly fading and running on reserve energy. Later, as we were driving home, Candice turned to me and said, “Julia, you could have had any guy in that bar.” I laughed. It was a sweet thing to say. “I didn’t see anyone I was interested in,” I said. I suspect I’m only interested in one person, whoever he is. I haven’t decided yet.
Back at their place, Lauren was reunited with the bong that ushered her through college. We all sat around and went through old photos and memories. It’s amazing, those beautiful, hysterical, wondrous moments that make up collective histories. I think memory is one of the most important things for a person to take care of.
Lauren said, “Brian told me someone wrote a missed connection looking for you.” Yeah, I said. Some dude who had a hot friend I was down with. I showed it to her and we laughed over it and gave it to Aubrey to give us a male perspective. Mostly, we were wtf-ing about the “baggage” part of the post. “How did you know this was out there?” asked Lauren. “I had a feeling,” I said. “So I went to the site, typed in ‘Morcheeba’ and it was the only one with that word.” Lauren stares at me the way she always does because she thinks I’m magic, but the funny thing is, since she believes it, she inspires me. “You’re always clairvoyant like that,” she says. “You always have these experiences that people always wish would happen to them, except you make a life out of it.” I laugh. “But you totally said this guy must be my soulmate. But he’s just some sleazy tool cutting in on his friend.”
But I really do hope that I’m proving a point here. Sometimes I wonder, sometimes I worry because my life seems so odd and different from other people, less road maps, less people I can go to who can really give me strong advice. But a part of me hopes that I’m proving to people that as crazy as it sounds and feels, sometimes if you believe in a greater conscious wisdom and you let it show you what it wants to show you by having faith, keeping your eyes open and following the signs, you will find proof that magic exists.
On the not so positive side was this phone call I got while I was camping. A guy I had one of my positive connections with last year left a message saying he went somewhere and wanted to talk to me. We played phone tag and then he left a message asking if I was Osiris. I know I’m not Osiris, though he came close to where I’m exploring. So I called him back and got him. I asked him where he’d been that he wanted to tell me about. He said, “Well, there’s Saturn, Jupiter, Pluto, Planet X, you know because you can travel, too.” “No, I can only travel inside other people a little, but not what you’re talking about.”
He gets a little frustrated. “You really limit yourself. You’re like me, you’re of the universe. You’re a queen and you need to take your place. I think it’s time we joined forces.”
Strangely, this is the second such conversation I’ve had in as many weeks.
“What would this entail,” I ask him, wondering if he’s legitimate, or if this is the trap of an unbalanced mind.
“Julia, I’ve been longing for you. I’ve been following you from afar, watching you.”
“How are you watching me,” I ask him.
“With binoculars, with a telescope,” he said. “I look into the sky and I can see you, feel you.”
Oh crap. This makes me nervous, whether he is physically stalking me or worse, can actually psychically find me.
“Why did you decide to call me now?” We haven’t spoken since that night, which was over half a year ago.
“Because I could feel it was time, that you were in a place where you were ready. I’ll give you whatever you want. I’ll give you the freedom you need. You do your own thing. You’ve always done your own thing. I’ll give you that and more.”
I think.
“I think that’s what I want most. I want freedom to do what I need to do and not be tied down to anyone.”
He gets mad.
“You want to be with those soulsuckers, don’t you? Those guys who don’t know who they are or what they’re doing? I’m telling you I can take you to places you’ve never been, around the universe. I’m the sun, no one can go as fast as me except you did. So you’re different and I’m trying to tell you that it’s safe now for us to be together, there’s an army now to protect us, but if you want to be with suckers, then fine. I’ll leave you alone. I’ve found you now but if you don’t want it I’ll leave you alone and find you another century. Because time is nothing. I’ve got time. I’ll find you again. You lock yourself in a bathroom and I’ll dig you out. I know where you are.”
Seriously, I’m freaked out and don’t know where this is coming from, and don’t know where this is going. So I’m silent.
“Obviously I thought you would be happy to hear all this but you’re scared so I’m just going to go. But I love you and if you want to be with me, you need to tell me now.”
I’m still silent. I can’t even process this, I want to fight or fly.
“4…3…2…1…”
Still, I say nothing.
“Goodbye, Julia.”
And he’s gone.
I hang up my phone and sit in my living room staring out at the night sky.
I think something went wrong.
********
I saw he called the next day, but I was heading to San Francisco so I didn’t want to listen to the message. But then the weirdest thing happened. My phone died. Just completely died.
When I got back today, I went to the cellphone store and they said I would either need to replace the battery or the phone. I thought about it, it’s a phone that I’ve always hated, a phone that seems to always fail me when I need it, a phone that incidentally, my ex gave me. So I decided to pay the $200 to get out of my contract and got a cheap
whatever phone from another provider. I’m happy about that. I did check my messages before I switched though.
The guy left a message just saying that it looks like I made some delicious food. He had no idea I could prepare such amazing food.
I didn’t cook the day he left the message, though the night before, my father had taken us out to a nice dinner and we’d had this crazy feast of sushi in those big wooden boats. Truthfully, I think he’s just hallucinating or going through something intense and is trying to draw me into it.
I think this is the universe telling me that now is the time that I learn how to set the right boundaries.
Aubrey gave interesting advice. He said, you obviously have a gift in being able to find people’s secret pains and giving them a way to acknowledge it and heal. But maybe your next step is learning how to protect yourself when you work, either not engaging with people who are more likely to attach to you than solve their own problems with the tools and wisdom you gave them, or figure out ways to protect yourself, like charge up magic words that unconsciously focus them away from you or by putting these ideas or words into the flow, they give you protection from people who want the wrong thing.
It’s funny…I had been reading about how to charge up symbols a few months ago and feel like I’ve on and off been able to charge words throughout life but I don’t know how to control it or do it at will. He said it’s maybe a skill that I need to work on right now to get to the next level. He told me to talk to Simar who had done some reading on it. And incidentally, Simar needs a roommate right now.
We’ll see. We’ll see.
For now, I need all imbalance and mental illness to not try to get involvement from me.