Echo

Nerves on edge. Tempers flare. Virgo is here.

With a mercury retrograde no less.

Breathes underwater.
Drowns in air.
What of this magnificent, fragile creature.

Had a dream that I was pregnant. I was happy about it even though I was single and hadn’t seen the father in months (true in real life). But in my dream, when I told my friends who the father was, their reaction was, “Um..,do you really want to have his baby?” Then I started realizing who the guy was in real life (the literal motherfucker from the summer) and I started realizing I would have to abort the baby even though the baby was half mine because I could not in good conscience allow his gene pool to propagate. I was very serious about this in my dream.

When I woke up, I was really weirded out by the dream. I told Bohr about it at work and his first reaction was alarm. “You didn’t sleep with him did you?”

“No,” I said. “Even though I would normally lie if I did, I’m not lying about this. That’s something I’m really happy about.”

I don’t even want the idea of him inside me.

When who you are is enough in your own eyes, you won’t care if you’re enough in the eyes of others.

Subbed in for a women’s team playing in a Chinese tournament. I heard they never win and they lost their last game by 30, which is terrible because generally a team onLy scores about 30 or 40 with a running clock. I probably played my best game ever with 20 pts, 6 rebounds, 3 assists and 3 steals. Then again, the opponent was made up of 13-15 year olds…shame on me. I felt like a giant out there.
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I’m like Jerry Maguire, with one client.
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Here we go. Plus or minus 5 days. Let’s see what surprises the weekend brings.
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People under the umbrella of can’t, won’t.
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It’s difficult to think about. But there’s much more life that goes on. Its about how you hold it together in the meantime.
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I don’t think I have as high self-esteem in contained environments.
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I like a guy with good discipline.

That was the first clue I gave him.

I like to see self-mastery. The discipline to get close to me, the discipline to stay away.

Myself, I’m a quitter. I stop when my focus craps out. But I will give you a hell of a run through those magical doorways when i’m on a tear.

I’m so quietly passionate about gays being able to marry. Why are they so afraid of us? When we could really help them learn to live.

When I fail, I like to fail quietly, in my own eyes.

I feel so at home around gay men. Lady Gaga across the street at the HP Pavilion tonight.
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What’s amazing about me is that if you’re connected to me, even when I’m not there, you can always feel me.

Come close, and see that I’m just a girl.

Every time 9 becomes 10, I think of you.

In the center of the city in the night, waiting for you…

Most guys say they’re my destiny. No one ever says, “You can trust me. Because I’m your friend.” Maybe my destiny is finding my closest friend. Maybe that has always been what I wanted most.
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Making statements that imply you know we’re going to be together and it’s a matter of when I stop resisting the “truth” messes with my head. So many guys have done that. So either they’re all wrong or someone’s right, or I’m wrong or I’m right. Yes, maybe I find life so confusing that I would rather do nothing if I don’t know exactly what I should do. But I am not a passive person. So I have to believe that there is no right or wrong, but only that when I know, I’ll know. I would rather live out my life waiting only to find I waited too long and no one ever showed up, than settle and find my heart is not committed. I never want to resent someone I am supposed to love. I know I had a lot of conflicted feelings about my loved ones growing up. A strong love and loyalty, but also a lot of resentment and guilt. I know I sometimes have these feelings about myself, because I wasn’t able to eradicate the negative feelings and that was a huge source of inner conflict for a long time. I finally found a place where I can at least have space and perspective from those feelings. Or maybe all this is my compromise by using distance to protect myself from the anxiety that complex human emotions produces when people live in close proximity. The problem is that I like being alone. I’ve learned to thrive independently, ideally liking to be alone in crowds. But I take my anchors for granted. I know that without them, those at home who accept me and believe in me even though they cannot hang on to me, I would be lost at sea. I’m still trying to find that happy compromise. Or perhaps more accurately, find it within myself to be happy with the acceptance of a good compromise.

I think it’s also good that I’m surrounded at work with examples of good people so I never feel like going to one place every day is settling.

T brought me my new plant. My princess-warrior who I will embed with the spirit of a healer. Meanwhile James sends me a screenshot from Avatar with caption, I “see” you. So many people watch that movie and comment that the female heroine made them think of me. The warrior princess destined to be the healer queen. Her spirit leads men. Her match is only a great warrior whose wisdom is earned–it takes great strength to be gentle.

This plant will be my pet. My child. I’ll be pouring my energy into her as my embodiment. It will be interesting to see what we harvest.